LOS ANGELES (World News Bureau) - As the inauguration of President-elect Donald Trump draws closer, lower tier Hollywood celebrities continue to frantically use this as an opportunity to put their faces in front of the public.
The latest "celebrities" to appear in the anti-Trump spotlight are "C" listers (right to left below) Van Jones, Chelsea Handler, Lena Dunham, Michael Moore, and some bald black guy. The five appear in this month's Vogue MagazineHollywood Hissy-fit Inauguration Edition.
By popular demand, we are offering a PDF download of our Goodbye Assholes party invitation. Click image below to download file. Print using "fit" or "fit to page" setting on your printer - there are 2 invitations on the page (for most of you, this will accommodate all of your friends, plus your cat).
Join me in sending off this godless, America-hating, self-sanctimonious, narcissistic commie retard (and her idiot husband). Party on!
BARCELONA, Spain (World News Bureau) - An anonymous American donor has funded a campaign in northern Spain featuring posters depicting naked children with genitalia of the opposite sex.
The posters, created by transgender advocacy group "Kiddies With Switched Bitties", which declares that some girls have penises and some boys have vulvas, have appeared at bus stops and metro stations across the Basque Country and Navarre.
In a possibly related story, authorities in a number of northern cities in Spain report a sudden 2000% increase in sexual assaults on children, nearly all apparently committed by Muslim immigrants. Police are asking parents to keep their children away from public transportation until they are able to get control of the situation.
NEW YORK (World News Burea) - The office of President-elect Donald Trump sent out a press release Thursday morning laying out special conditions for CNN to be allowed to continue to be included in the White House press pool during his administration and banning online "news" outlet Buzzfeed outright (below).
NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - "News" organizations Buzzfeed and CNN are accusing President-elect Donald Trump of viciously assaulting them during a tumultuous news conference on Wednesday. The charges were made after Trump angrily reacted to a concocted story promoted by the two organizations that claimed the President-elect hired prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed in Moscow, Russia because it had been used by the Obamas.
Witnesses at the press conference confirm that Trump did administer a "brutal" verbal beatdown to both Buzzfeed and CNN that left CNN reporter Jim Acosta crying out.
"He (Trump) came out swinging and first beat the sh*t out of Buzzfeed, then absolutely excoriated CNN. Acosta started yelling and yelling, then suddenly Trump turned and verbally bitch-slapped him so hard, I almost puked. It was brutal. I've never seen a public ass-kicking like that - careers could have been killed," said one shaken ABC staffer.
SCOTTSDALE, Arizona (World News Bureau) - A conservative group led by online news maven Scooter Van Neuter has organized to provide assistance to celebrities troubled by the election of Donald Trump for President. The organization, Save Our Celebrities, was introduced by Van Neuter at a press conference Tuesday morning at World News Bureau world headquarters in Scottsdale, Arizona.
"As normal, middle-class Americans, we love and idolize the talented singers and actors who give our lives real meaning. Instead of sitting by idly watching these heroes suffer, Save Our Celebrities will offer aid packages consisting of medicinal and therapeutic aids to help those celebrities who have been traumatized by the unexpected election of Donald Trump to the office of President of the United States. It's the least we can do for those who have given us so much."
According to a handout, the aid packages will consist of cases of Patron tequila, a "substantial quantity" of legal synthetic marijuana substitutes Spice and K-2, and therapeutic texts including So, You Want To Kill Yourself,The Utter hopelessness of Life, and Stepping Into The Light - Escaping A World Gone Mad.