WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Authorities are warning the public to be aware of a high number of children expected to be masquerading as Hillary Clinton this Halloween. Specific concerns are children pretending to collapse on porches, sidewalks, and possibly even streets.
"We urge all parents to warn children portraying Mrs. Clinton to exercise caution when pretending to collapse, avoiding busy sidewalks and staying well away from streets and driveways. Also, trick-or-treaters need to be aware of possible shock or confusion to individuals responding to a knock or doorbell, only to find plump children in pantsuits apparently dead or injured at their front door. Halloween is not an excuse to cause real harm or fear to people who are not familiar with your costume's theme."
CHICAGO (World News Bureau) - So far this year, Chicago has experienced 3,475 shootings resulting in nearly 600 deaths, but the news isn't all bad for this Midwestern mecca of the Democratic Party.
"While we all bemoan the rampant bloodshed afflicting our community, the good news is welfare and social services spending are being dramatically reduced every day, and for that taxpayers should be grateful," said Chicago mayor, Rahm Emanuel.
NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Sources say online news powerhouse Drudge Report is preparing to release information on Hillary Clinton's lesbian sex life, possibly including fetish photos reportedly hacked from the personal computer of longtime Clinton aide and alleged lover, Huma Abedin (below).
SCOTTSDALE, Arizona (World News Bureau) - As mainstream media outlets exclusively focus their attention on accusations of chauvinistic behavior by Donald Trump, credible stories of unwanted sexual advances by Hillary Clinton have been all but ignored.
An Arizona resident claims the presidential candidate forced herself on her while serving as Secretary of State in 2012. The middle-aged woman who goes by the name of "Sissy" refuses to give her last name because of threats allegedly made by Clinton to keep quiet about the sordid incident.
Sissy claims she met Clinton the evening of August 31, 2012 at a Rarotonga resort in the Cook Islands while on vacation. Travel records show Mrs. Clinton was in Rarotonga for the Pacific Islands Forum from August 31 to September 2, 2012.
"I was in the hotel bar for happy hour because they had all-you-can-eat shrimp poppers, which I love. Hillary was at a corner table with some skinny black-haired woman. They were sharing a giant tropical drink with multiple umbrellas and skewers of fruit. After about an hour, Hillary started getting pissed off and yelling about the black-haired woman not eating cats anymore or something like that - dropping F bombs and spitting pieces of shrimp all over the place. Finally, the black-haired woman got up and stomped off, all weepy and everything.
I went to the bathroom, and when I came out of the stall, Hillary was standing there just staring at me like I was a delicious steak or maybe one of those chocolate lava cakes. She said, "I saw you looking at me." I tried to leave but she moved in real close and said it was all right, that she liked being looked at as long as I wasn't looking at her calves or ankles. I said I was looking at the shrimp in her hand. All of a sudden she pushed me up against the wall and tried to kiss me with lips that looked like a little butthole up close. I got scared and pushed her away and ran out. She stopped by my table and basically told me she would remove all of my major organs without anesthesia if I ever told anyone what happened, and I believed her. That's enough - I've said too much..."
Calls to the Clinton campaign requesting a statement concerning the accusations have so far been unreturned.
NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - With their newest star, Covergirl has taken the bold step of glamorizing the mentally ill by featuring a sexually confused 17-year-old boy (below). The boy in question was reportedly recently featured in a story about the baffling double suicide of his parents.