NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Mariah Carey's New Year's eve performance was marred by mysterious technological failures that the singer believes were caused by Russian hacking.
During Carey's performance, the music tracks played, punctuated by pre-recorded "dog whistle" passages she's famous for, as her dancers went through their routine in the background. The plus-sized Carey, looking for all the world like an overstuffed gold lame' sausage, plodded around the stage complaining about the production and occasionally warbling a disjointed note or two, before finally exiting in a huff.
Later, Carey blasted Dick Clark Productions, Donald Trump, and the Russians who she believed were united in a diabolical plot to embarrass her for the sake of TV ratings. "I knew this sh*t was going to happen when Trump won, I just knew it. He's tight with DCP and everyone knows the Russians have always been jealous of my range - the f*ckers were all in on this together."
Dick Clark Productions has firmly denied any culpability and when asked if they played a part, a Russian spokesman replied, "Ms. Carey has never needed help screwing up a song."