LONDON, England (World News Bureau) - Just one day after a Muslim terrorist killed three and injured scores more in this city, British Prime Minister Theresa May was attacked while visiting the predominately Muslim district of Whitechapel in East London. Mrs. May, who insists that Islam had nothing to do with yesterday's terror attacks, was visiting the neighborhood to show her solidarity with the city's burgeoning Muslim immigrant population.
Sources say the Prime Minister was shaking hands in front of a mosque when she was suddenly surrounded by dozens of young men and boys who proceeded to "grope and fondle" her before her outnumbered security detail was finally able to pull the politician from the raucous crowd. Afterward, a shaken but apparently unharmed May was photographed smoking a cigarette (below) while aides attempted to recover articles of her clothing.
The cheeky Prime Minister later quipped to reporters, "If I have a son, I'm going to name him Muhammad."
British Prime Minister Theresa May after Whitechapel assault
DPRK (World News Bureau) - Pentagon intelligence sources confirm that undercover operatives in North Korea were responsible for a missile exploding during an attempted launch early today.
"All I can say is that one of our people was able to substitute a critical German-made component with a similar part out of a Black & Decker coffeemaker - the result was predictable," said the source.
A British spy satellite recorded the massive explosion, which appeared to kill the man who had just lit the fuse and destroyed a pickup, 2 mopeds, a small shed (which may have been the launch control center), and a goat.
U.S. agents were reportedly tipped off about the upcoming launch after the North Korean military released photos yesterday showing leader Kim Jong-un personally fueling an advanced Type 10 Shitstome Dethdhong Mark V intermediate range missile (below).
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un fuels missile (DPRK Military)
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-CA) is blaming Republicans for an incident on Monday where she was trapped in a federal building for nearly six hours.
Reports say Waters was attempting to exit the building only to find the door "locked," trapping her until a security guard finally freed her hours later. An investigation into the incident determined that an unknown person had apparently taped a handwritten sign that said "Push" on a door that could only be opened by pulling. "This was clearly a Republican effort to sidetrack my efforts to impeach this illegitimate president for working with the Russians. I will be calling for a full investigation," Rep. Waters told reporters Tuesday morning.
Sources say Waters was taken to an area hospital where she was treated for a urinary tract infection and severe exhaustion.
Trapped: Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-CA) held hostage for hours by dirty trick
IN EARTH ORBIT (BHN) - Shocking photos released this morning by the North Korean military show leader Kim Jong-Un commanding his forces from a death star reportedly in orbit somewhere above South Korea.
In a hastily-called news conference, South Korean General Hung Li Mas exclaimed, "Hory Crap, we didn't even know Kim had death star! He saying to his enemies, 'Rook at my big space penis, it gonna rain death and destruction from above."
The startling images send the strongest indication yet that the aggressive, yet plush Kim is continuing to send out startling images. South Korean and United States forces in the region reacted to this latest threat by staging wiener dog races and an ice cream social in Seoul.
Kim Jong-Un and his top generals on bridge of death star
DPRK (World News Bureau) - Photos released this morning by the North Korean military show leader Kim Jong-Un in his hidden secret lair/missile base located inside a fake mountain preparing to launch his country's most powerful nuclear missile - the Type 10 Shitstome Dethdhong Mark V.
South Korean Defence Minister Mi-Kei Mao called the startling images the strongest indication yet that the fiery, yet plush Kim may be ready to attack. "It's like Kim saying to his enemies, "Hey look, my giant Dethdhong ready to spew fiery death all over you."
United States forces in the region reacted to the increased threat by staging a talent show and hot dog eating contest outside of Seoul.
Kim Jong-un readies nuclear missile in hidden base
PYONGYANG, DPRK (BHN) - Startling images released this morning by the North Korean military show leader Kim Jong-un has moved to a secure underground bunker reportedly in preparation for missile launches targeting South Korea as well as US bases in Japan.
"Commander of all forces Kim Jong-un has entered the secure nuclear bomb-proof Underground Make War Command Room in order to coordinate a devastating precision missile attack on all aggressors," said an accompanying press release by state-run media.
A Pentagon spokesperson called the images "sobering."
Kim Jong-Un and his top generals prepare a deadly missile attack from their underground bunker
DPRK (World News Bureau) - North Korea has ratcheted up their threats against South Korea and US forces by releasing a photo Tuesday showing leader Kim Jong-Un commanding what is reported to be their new Death Dongh Type 2 ballistic missile submarine close to South Korean waters.
"Yesterday he was in Make War Command Room, today he is heading this way in a deadly submarine," said South Korean Admiral Ima Si Monki , "Kim is increasing his aggression by saying to his enemies "look at my big floating penis - it gonna blow and rain death."
Pentagon sources called this latest provocation by the pariah nation "troubling."
Kim Jong-un threatens South Korea / US forces in ballistic missile submarine (DPRK)
PYONGYANG, DPRK (World News Bureau) - In response to social media trolling by President Trump, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is threatening an imminent attack on South Korea and US bases in Japan.
"Our forces are now preparing a death blow of destruction on aggressor forces that dare challenge us," said Kim in a written statement released Monday. "Our fearless soldiers will blow our enemies again and again until they cannot stand."
South Korean General Mi Soh Hoeni responded by saying, "As long as they're female soldiers, we'll consider it."
The threat was accompanied by images of Kim Jong-un huddling with his generals in the "Make War Command Room" (below).
NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Wednesday's "Day Without Women" is being applauded by men across the country as being a tremendous success.
A sampling of comments:
"I wish we could do this every day. Literally, every angry heffalump in the place was gone today - it was wonderful," said IT professional Drew Littleton.
"This was like a vacation," said Mike Snyder, a supervisor with UPS, "the only women at work today were the good looking ones. There wasn't a fat lesbian to be seen."
"It's like every ugly, angry fat chick was abducted by aliens. This is the way college was supposed to be," said ASU student Shaun Jackson.
The International Women's Day rallies across the country were populated by feminists, abortion supporters, anti-Trump protesters, pro-LGBTQ types, and the usual conglomeration of communists, Satanists, Islamists, and PMSing Hillary Clinton supporters.
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Sources say that at least part of Rep. Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-CA) has unexpectedly died of unknown causes.
"As close as we can tell, she suffered brain death a few months ago," said one confidential source close to Pelosi. "We're also pretty sure she has digestive organ failure due to her near-constant farting. Something's definitely dead in there."
The shocking report may shed light on the former Majority Speaker's increasingly bizarre comments and actions since President Trump took office.
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Compromising images of two men resembling Sen. Chuck Schumer (RTRD-NY) and alt-leftist powerbroker George Soros were posted Friday on social media sites, leading many to speculate that the Trump administration has decided to fight fire with fire.
Despite reports that the images were posted from a government server, the White House is denying any involvement: "While the President certainly wasn't surprised at all by the images, he obviously had nothing to do with their publication," Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters at the morning press conference.
There has been no official determination yet if the images are real.
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Valerie Jarrett has moved into the Obama's new 8,200 square foot, $5.3 million Kalorama home.
The move has sparked rumors that the former Senior Advisor will be masterminding the Obama's reported goal of destroying the Trump presidency, although photos leaked Wednesday of Jarrett at her new residence (below) may somewhat dispel those concerns.
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Viewers bombarded social media during President Trump's address to Congress last night, questioning Nancy Pelosi's (RTRD-CA) bizarre facial expressions.
Sources close to the Minority Leader say she fell ill during the address: "Well, Nancy was already not feeling that great - she's been trying to pass a double-stuffed bean burrito for several days now, and at some point last night she said she was suddenly overcome by the 'bitter taste of failure.' I guess she threw up afterward in the hallway."
Nancy Pelosi battles "bitter taste of failure" during Trump address (API)