World News Bureau

Libyan Rebels Adopt New Tactics

AJDABIYAH, Libya (BHN) - Libyan rebels insist their panicked headlong retreat from Muammar Gaddafi's troops on Wednesday was, in fact, a new strategy designed to turn the tide in the bitter conflict.

Rebel spokesman Fouk Yosef described Wednesday's actions as "an aggressive strategy of using superior speed and agility to avoid the enemy's munitions, then regrouping at the next town in an offensive formation, poised to repeat the move. We will do this as many times as is necessary to defeat Gaddafi's troops."

A spokesman for the Pentagon called the new strategy "potentially flawed," and suggested that the rebels employ some type of offensive action to augment the Coalition's air strikes against Gaddafi's forces.

My comments: I really admire a group of guys that can think outside of the box. Bravo!

Libyan rebels execute daring new strategy against Gaddafi's troops near Ras Lanuf

Military Gay Support Group Launches Magazine

A support group for gay military service members launched a magazine to provide information about the pending repeal of the Pentagon's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, as well as decorating, makeup, and hair tips.

The co-director of "Rump Ranger," an active Air Force officer who calls himself "Maj. Meat," said the magazine "seeks to raise awareness that the change is coming - hard, throbbing change."

"The magazine helps set the tone, the idea, that it's actually going to happen and normalizes it," Meat told The Associated Press on Monday. "The more we normalize big sweaty enlisted men having butt sex, the more accepted it becomes. Soon when you see that happening on base or in the battlefield, you'll think nothing of it."

The free magazine will be published bi-monthly. Rump Ranger has about 3,000 members, and is actively seeking more, "especially if they're hot," added Maj. Meat.

My comments: The next time your fellow enlisted man yells "incoming," you better duck and cover!

Iran Claims Mahdi (Photo Below) Is Near

TEHRAN (BHN) -The Iranian government has produced a video announcing the imminent reappearance of the Mahdi, or Islamic messiah, to the world.

The video compares events unfolding today with those mentioned in the Quran and Hadith that signal the coming of the Mahdi, also known as the Twelfth Imam. According to Islamic scripture, this 'messiah' will destroy Israel and the United States, then usher in an everlasting worldwide Islamic caliphate.

Unfortunately, the Mahdi also exactly matches the Antichrist individual featured in Judeo-Christianity, so ultimately there's a good chance of disappointment.

Big Hairy News has created an image of the Mahdi (below) based on the prophetic vision of an Islamic holy man/prophet we found in Phoenix.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, this Mahdi guy doesn't look exactly like what I was expecting!

The Mahdi makes his grand entrance

Chavez Warns Against Obesity, Breast Implants, More

 CARACAS, Venezuela (BHN) -Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez on Sunday urged his citizens to avoid fattening foods, and cautioned woman against getting breast implants.

Chavez has lobbied in recent weeks against what he calls the evils of capitalism, including alcoholism, violent television programs, rich deserts, and masturbation.

"Be careful with weight gain!" the pudgy, full-figured socialist warned during his weekly television and radio program. "Women, there's nothing special about large breasts, don't long for them. And remember everyone, don't look at or touch yourself below the waist, not even to bathe."

Chavez has long been rumored to be an hermaphrodite, and reportedly has both male and female genitalia.  The abuse he received as a child because of his condition is said to be responsible for the social and intellectual retardation he suffers from today.

My comments: I've never seen Hugo with his shirt open before - Daddy like!

President Chavez illustrates the dangers of masturbation to his country

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Muslims Beat, Stomp Effigy of Obama

WASHINGTON - The White House expressed dismay at reports that Sri Lankan Muslims brutalized an effigy of the US president during a protest rally.

"They (the Sri Lankan Muslims) obviously don't know who Barack Obama is," said White House spokesman Jay Carney. "If they knew he was all about "hope" and "change," there's no doubt they would be big fans."

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Harlem Sheds No Tears Over Bill Clinton's Exit

NEW YORK CITY - Residents of Harlem aren't crying over former President Bill Clinton's offices moving out of their neighborhood. The William J. Clinton Foundation is moving its offices from Harlem to Water Street in the financial district.

"It's about damned time," said lifelong Harlem resident Dee Dee Lashonda Jackson. "Yo never seen so many half-white bastard childrens in yo life since dat cracka moved in here. I say leave already."

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 North Korea's Food Supplies Running Out

PYONGYANG - North Korea's government food distribution program will run dry in May, putting 24 million people at risk of starvation, the UN has warned.

In a related story, First Lady Michelle Obama on Friday publicly acknowledged the country of North Korea for its population's moderate dietary habits and low body-fat index. "The North Koreans understand that overeating and fattening foods create an unhealthy lifestyle - bravo to them," she said.

Children from Clinton office neighborhood in Harlem

 

Obama: Cruise Missiles Were Getting Stale, We Had To Use Them

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Barack Obama fired back at the growing number of critics, many in his own party, who are questioning his rush to militarily support the Libyan rebels without a specific objective.

The White House issued the following short statement this morning:

"In addition to the humanitarian crisis unfolding in Libya as a result of Colonel Gadhafi attacking his own citizens, we were being confronted with another situation requiring decisive action: the fact that a large number of Tomahawk cruise missiles in our arsenal were rapidly going stale. Since we had to use these missiles soon anyway, it made sense to fire them into Libya, effectively addressing both needs."

The statement was accompanied by photographic proof that the missiles were approaching their "best if used by" date.

My comments: Why didn't he just tell us that in the first place?

Military Indoctrinated On Gay Behavior

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Training manuals dealing with homosexual behavior are being sent to 2.2 million active and reserve U.S. troops as the military opens its ranks to gays.

“It’s great training - really fabulous,” said Maj. Joel Harper, a Pentagon spokesperson.

The training consists of slides, vignettes and talking points outlining the type of activity to be expected from gay military personnel, and the proper response to those activities.

Here are a few excerpts from the manual:

“Situation: You are the Executive Officer of your unit and find two enlisted men engaged in anal intercourse in a bunk - what is your proper response? Answer: Resist the urge to vomit and/or kill them. Verify they are using a condom and proper lubricant, offer a moist towelette."

"Situation: One of your fellow servicemen has decorated your quarters with curtains, comforter, and scented candles - what is your proper response? Answer: Resist the urge to kill him and hack the decorative items to pieces with your knife. Enjoy the rich atmosphere and if possible, tune a radio to some soft jazz."

"Situation: You are an attractive female, and a fellow attractive female in your unit makes overt sexual advances toward you - what is your proper response? Answer: Respect her individual sexuality by joining her in a spirited nude intimate encounter, but be sure to forward a video recording of the activity to Divisional Headquarters in order to protect yourself."

The training materials will be released to the general public on April 1st.

My comments: This dovetails with the Army's new all-gay division, the Fighting Sodomites. I think the phrase "flanking maneuver" just took on a whole new meaning. Yech.

    

Obama: Drill, Baby, Drill (In Brazil)!

RIO DE JANEIRO (BHN) - President Obama took time off from his family vacation in Brazil to give a speech pledging to help that country develop their offshore drilling operations, so the US can then import the oil.

"We want to help you with the technology and support to develop these oil reserves safely. And when you're ready to start selling, we want to be one of your best customers," Obama told his hosts Sunday.

After Obama's address, Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff reportedly ordered an immediate halt to Brazil's offshore oil program, in order to identify exactly what was so perilous about offshore drilling that would prompt the United States to pay inflated prices for something they could be getting themselves from their own shores.

"Something's not right here," Rousseff was overheard telling an aide. "Even this retard is smart enough to know when something's too dangerous to go after - we better be careful. Also, what's with his wife?"

While President Obama addressed the people of Brazil, First Lady Michelle Obama enjoyed a sunny afternoon on the beach, much to the delight of the locals.

My comments: Nice job, Barry - outlaw something at home as too dangerous, then go visit your new friends and try to bribe them to do it. Classy!

 

First Lady Michelle Obama strolls the beach in sunny Brazil

Crazed Liberals Turn On Obama

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Like so many rabid weasels, an increasing number of liberals are turning against President Obama because of his administration's participation in military attacks against Libya president Moammar Gadhafi.

Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan angrily denounced Obama on his radio program last week, saying, "You can't ask Gadhafi to step down. Who the hell do you think you are, you long-legged mack daddy?" Farrakhan and Gadhafi share a common taste in clothes, and have been rumored for years to be gay lovers.

Also condemning Obama for his part in the the attack on Libya is a group of House Democrats that include diminutive leftist Dennis Kucinich, and mental giants Sheila Jackson-Lee and Maxine Waters. A tearful Jackson-Lee called on Obama to "...stop using Tomahawks against 'Libayians,' as Native Americans didn't invent them to kill Arabs, just white peoples."

My comments: Wow, the liberals are eating their own. Too bad for them there's not much meat there...

Farrakhan and Gadhafi, Dennis Kucinich, Shiela Jackson-Lee (file photos)

Saudi King Offers Even More Handouts

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia (BHN) - Just a month after promising billions of dollars worth of cash and new cars (Story) to his citizens, Saudi King Abdullah on Friday announced even more handouts worth tens of billions of dollars, while again denying the move has anything to do with the widespread civil unrest sweeping the Mideast.

Abdullah announced on TV that every Saudi citizen will receive an Apple IPad 2, new wardrobe from The Gap, George Foreman Grill, 65" Samsung LED flatscreen TV, 2011 Harley Davidson Electra Glide Custom motorcycle, certificates for 10 free meals at Outback Steakhouse, his and hers diamond Rolexes, plush bath towels from Bed Bath and Beyond, a pony, and $17 million in cash.

"Sometimes I feel maybe I don't tell my countrymen how much I appreciate their allegiance, hopefully these small tokens of my love and appreciation will convey that," the King told reporters later.

Already some critics of the monarchy are saying they feel slighted the king isn't opting for the "Ultra Limited" model of the Harley-Davidson Electra Glide, and are threatening demonstrations unless their concerns are met.

My comments: Nice move, now your citizens will besiege your palace on ponies.

  

Biden Proposes Fix For Damaged Reactors

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Vice President Joe Biden Wednesday criticized Japan for not doing enough to prevent the venting of radioactivity from the damaged Fukushima nuclear facility, and offered a possible fix.

Biden told reporters that unless stopped, the escaping radiation will likely cause "...irreparable harm to every living thing on the earth."

"I think we've all seen enough shows that illustrate the inevitable result of what radiation does to things," said the Vice President. "I don't know about you, but the last thing we need are swamp creatures terrorizing citizens in the South, or giant spiders and mutant zombies spreading death and destruction throughout the heartland of this great country. And God forbid, do you want a 'Godzilla' chasing you up and down the streets of your city? Not me."

Biden suggested the Japanese seal the damaged reactors using a "modified 'Seal-A-Meal' machine and special bigger bags." He said after sealing the reactors, the large bags could then be "safely flown into space or dropped in a deep part of the ocean, maybe on top of the Titanic."

My comments: At this point I feel bad about comparing Joe's IQ to that of a swim fin - his idea is the best I've heard so far.

 

Obama Takes Command, Heads To Rio

WASHINGTON (BHN) Amid the unprecedented disaster unfolding in Japan, political upheaval throughout the Middle East, and economic meltdown in this country, the First Family is heading to Rio de Janerio to catch some sun and do a little sightseeing.

A highlight will be the Obama's visit to the Christ the Redeemer statue on Mount Corcovado. The photo-op at the famous site is to augment Barack's usual pre-election attempt to portray himself as a "Christian." The visit was planned after campaign heads concluded it would likely be impossible to have Obama photographed with Jesus Himself, figuring the giant statue was the next best thing.

In light of the current upheaval in the world, the White House is downplaying the trip to sunny Brazil as a vacation, noting the President will not be playing golf.

My comments: Just when this dufus couldn't possibly look less presidential, he heads for Rio NOW? *sigh*

First Lady Encourages Japanese Children To Go Outside, "Move"

WASHINGTON (BHN) - First Lady Michelle Obama today criticized calls in Japan for people living in the northern part of that country to seal themselves inside due to increasing levels of radiation emanating from several damaged nuclear reactors.

"These people, especially children, shouldn't be sitting around inside, they need to be outside MOVING," said Obama, whose catchphrase as First Lady has been 'Let's Move!'

"I encourage these people to go outside and get some exercise, like go on a nice hike, or maybe play a game of hide-and-go-seek in the rose garden," she told reporters at the hastily convened news conference.

Mrs. Obama also chided  relief agencies in Japan for handing out emergency food packets containing cookies and other fattening snacks: "I call upon all countries to restrict the distribution of high calorie-low protein snacks," said Obama. "If they feel like they must hand out a snack, make it a nice fresh salad, sprinkled with pine nuts and served with a low-calorie balsamic vinaigrette dressing on the side."

The First Lady has campaigned for healthier lifestyles for children during her time in the White House.

My comments: Hey, I know, let's send Michelle to Fukushima where she can do one of her great 'healthy eating and exercising' demonstrations/photo-ops for our Japanese friends. She can use the nuclear complex for a dramatic backdrop :)

First Lady Michelle Obama (file photo)

Obama Steps Up Symbolic Aid To Japanese

WASHINGTON (BHN) - On news that the situation in Japan is rapidly worsening, President Barack Obama doubled his efforts to aid that stricken country over the weekend, taking a Japanese staff member, Yasataka Kang, golfing with him.

The outing was a somber one, filled with symbolic gestures of unity with Japan, including sushi rolls and Japanese beer served from the course beverage cart, the use of Yamaha golf carts and Japanese insignia ball markers and golf balls, and a rousing karaoke contest in the clubhouse afterward.

"We stand with our Japanese brothers and sisters in their hour of need," Obama told reporters in the men's locker room where he was receiving a therapeutic message from Kang.

My comments: I was wondering when Barry was going to do more for one of our closest allies than park a couple of boats offshore. As usual, he didn't disappoint!

President Obama increases aid to Japan

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Huge Quake and Tsunami Hit Japan, Jackson-Lee Furious

TOKYO – A ferocious tsunami spawned by one of the largest earthquakes on record slammed Japan's eastern coast Friday, killing hundreds of people as it swept away ships, cars and homes while widespread fires burned out of control.

Rep. Sheila Jackson-Lee (D/retard-Tx) was quick to accuse Republicans of staging the disaster in order to draw attention away from the hearings on Muslim radicalization, and the punking of unions in Wisconsin.

For the love of all that's holy, will somebody PLEASE give that retard something sharp to run with!

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Obama: I Was Bullied

WASHINGTON - President Obama held a conference on bullying at the White House Thursday, where he admitted he himself had been subject to bullying at school.

Now there's a newsflash! The only question would be who was the girl that bullied him, and how badly was he hurt? At least now we know why he's such a little p*ssy!

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 Obama: It Would Be So Much Easier To Be President Of China

WASHINGTON - As President Obama grapples with the growing worldwide perception that he is a weak and ineffective leader, he has been telling people that "it would be much easier to be the president of China."

Not surprisingly, a vast majority of Americans agree that he would be a better fit as president of a communist country. He may be a p*ssy, but he's clearly not stupid!

 

Retard Jackson-Lee, p*ssy Obama, commie Obama

Wisconsin Union Members Go Crazy

MADISON (BHN) - After yesterday's vote ending collective bargaining with Wisconsin's public service worker's union, crazed union members distraught at losing their death grip on taxpayer's wallets besieged the capitol building and ran amok.

"How dare those Republican motherf*ckers try to downgrade me from a Mercedes to a Lexus?" screamed one elementary school teacher. "We deserve to make more money than regular people, we're f*cking TEACHERS for God's sake."

Thousand of union members stormed the capital building, some even going though windows, in order to vent their anger at the marble statues and ornate architecture inside. Police tried their best to calm the situation, but were forced to arrest several protesters after they stripped off their shirts and flayed themselves in a bloody rage.

My comments: Wow, these parasites are really worked up! Definitely the 'feel good' moment of the week!

Charlie Sheen Replaces Shiller As Head Of NPR

GEORGETOWN (BHN) - National Public Radio announced today that actor Charlie Sheen has been hired as that company's new Senior Executive, in the wake of the resignation of former head, Ron Shiller.

Shiller stepped down after a conservative group released a tape Tuesday showing him meeting with what he thought were radical Muslim investors and ranting about uneducated, gun-toting, Evangelical conservative Tea Party members, as well as the Jewish influence in mass media.

NPR  released the following statement Wednesday morning:

"NPR regretfully accepts Mr. Shiller's resignation and wishes him success, as difficult as that may be in a Zionist-controlled industry.

In order to assure our contributors of NPR's steadfast commitment to the continued rational and nonpartisan broadcast of intelligent news and comment, we are pleased to announce the appointment of Mr. Charlie Sheen to the position of NPR Senior Executive.

In addition to his years of experience in multiple forms of media, including TV, movies, and internet, Mr. Sheen brings a positive attitude of "Win" to our organization that will propel NPR to the next level as America's most trusted source for intelligent news and commentary."

My comments: Any way you cut it, this has got to be a major f*cking improvement!

  
Incoming NPR head Charlie Sheen celebrates new job

Crowd Protests Against Islamophobia

New York City (BHN) Throngs of people converged on Times Square Sunday to protest remarks by Peter King (R-NY) concerning the radicalization of Muslims in this country.

"I've said time and time again, the overwhelming majority of Muslims are outstanding Americans, but at this stage in our history, there is an effort to radicalize within the Muslim community," King said on CNN's "State of the Union."

"He (King)is a filthy Jew pig for implying some Muslims in this country are radicalized," said Haji Aba Dabaduu, a member of the Coalition to Stop Islamophobia. "I'd love to have five minutes alone with him and a dull pocket knife, I'd circumcise his filthy infidel neck."

Police described the protest as "mostly" orderly, noting that no one was injured by the numerous Mentos/Pepsi "bomb" vests activated by their wearers during the course of the event.

My comments: Too bad those bombs weren't made with Dr. Peppers - we'd have a lot fewer carpet-kissers to worry about being radicalized!

Michael Moore Cuts The Cheese In Wisconsin

MADISON (BHN) - Bloated parade float/wealthy film maker Michael Moore rallied Wisconsin public union members to class warfare Saturday, telling them that America has plenty of money, it just belongs to the deplorable individuals who've earned it. The corpulent socialist stopped short of suggesting the protesters kill and rob their wealthy neighbors.

Moore urged the union members to continue their fight to "bleed every last penny" from the state's coffers, and thanked the 14 Democratic Senators and hundreds of teachers and other public workers who have skipped work in order to score yet more taxpayer dollars they didn't earn.

Unfortunately, Moore's visit was cut short when he was admitted to a local hospital for treatment of an intestinal blockage after apparently eating several "cheese head" hats given to him by local fans.

A Moore staff member privately confided, "Yeah, Mikey was pretty pissed alright when he realized those giant pieces of cheese he saw on TV weren't real, and that he'd wasted his whole weekend in that frozen, crappy little town talking to a bunch of greedy hicks."

My comments: Nice move, Jabba! Just when it seemed America couldn't possibly hate those union ticks more, you blow into town and immediately elevate them and their selfish cause to a level of repugnance rarely seen in the free world. Just what their movement needed: FAIL on a bigger scale!

Facist Butt-Buddy Attempts To Save Gaddafi's Ass

CARACAS (BHN) - Venezuelan media reported Thursday that President Hugo Chavez had proposed some sort of vague peace plan for Libya, and that boyfriend Muammar Gaddafi had accepted.

The foundation of Chavez's strategy apparently involves nationalizing all foreign industries in Libya, seizing their wealth, then distributing it to opposition forces in exchange for them leaving Gaddafi alone.

Chavez and Gaddafi enjoy an extremely close personal relationship, but deny reports they are gay lovers, telling mutual friends that they "just really enjoy each others company, especially naked."

My comments: Wow, first Castro, then Sean Penn, now Gaddafi - Chavez is such a slut! I guess hardcore socialism can do that to anyone...

How international: Venezuela's Chavez and Libya's Gaddafi French kiss