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King and Queen of Europe Married

LONDON (BHN) - This happened in the middle of the night so I'm not exactly clear on the details, but I believe the King of England or Wales married the Queen of Sussex or London, and are now King and Queen of Europe.

Details: The King wore a red jacket with a bunch of crap hanging off it, and the Queen wore a white dress with a huge fabric landing strip leading to her Royal Heinie. Both rode in big cars, and got married in a big church - possibly the only church in Europe that's not been turned into a nightclub. Congratulations to the royal couple!

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Gaddafi's Soldiers Issued Viagra

TRIPOLI, Libya (BHN) - Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi's troops are being issued large quantities of the boner drug Viagra, in an attempt to encourage them to commit sexual violence against rebel forces.

The U.S. envoy to the United Nations told the Security Council that the results have been predictable, with Libyan forces paralyzed by an epidemic outbreak of anal rape among its soldiers, while unopposed rebel forces take key cities.

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 Superman Renounces U.S. Citizenship, Morality, Common Sense

NEW YORK CITY (BHN) - In order to more accurately mirror current events and morals, Action Comics issue #900 will feature Superman renouncing his U.S. citizenship and professing to be a gay Democrat.

"Being an illegal alien, it's long been assumed that Superman was a Democrat," said writer Bobbi Starr. "We've just taken the character to his logical fabulous conclusion."

 

 

Obama: We Are All Connected, No Matter Where We Pretend To Come From

SAN FRANCISCO (BHN) - Obviously pandering to minority voters, President Obama told an audience at a California fundraiser that we in the United States are all connected, regardless of how we got here.

"No matter who you are. No matter where you came from. No matter what you look like. No matter whether your ancestors landed here on Ellis Island, snuck across the Rio Grande, or came from an African country but pretended not to, we are all connected," the President said.

Critics were quick to condemn the President's statement for equating legal with illegal immigration, and some voiced fears that Obama may try to kill himself when he comes to the full realization of what an insanely retarded thing his teleprompter made him say.

My comments: The thought that I am in any way "connected" to that bozo is, frankly, more than I can bear.

 
Barry Soetoro and mother in Kenya

Napolitano: Pat-Down Of Little Girl Not So Bad

WASHINGTON (BHN) -Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said a video of a 6-year-old girl being groped by a TSA screener didn't show any improper conduct.

"I've been worked over twice as hard by a bigger woman than that, and outside of a little soreness and a small thigh bruise, I was no worse for wear," a laughing Napolitano told interviewers on MSNBC's "Morning Joe" program. “But seriously, nobody likes to see those kinds of things done to a girl younger than 18,” she said. “I know I don't."

Napolitano said that she and her colleagues are working a number of things to streamline screening process, including expediting the process for frequent travelers.

My comments: This article evokes some visual images that may require a substantial quantity of tequila to erase!

 

White House Items Missing After Sharpton Meeting

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Several items were reported missing after President Barack Obama hosted a White House meeting on immigration reform Tuesday. The featured guest at the pseudo meeting/campaign photo-op was the "Reverend" Al Sharpton.

According to a White House source, items missing after the meeting were the President's wallet, an ashtray, one of the children's IPads, some silverware and a plate, and a pair of the First Lady's panties.

"Rev." Sharpton called the session concerning immigration reform "a very healthy beginning," and thanked the President for the private lunch and tour of the White House.

Washington police are working with the Secret Service to investigate the theft, but say they have no suspects.

My comments: I brushed against the "Reverend" boarding a plane out of Chicago once, and came up missing my money clip, watch, and a brand new pair of Nikes - he would be my number one suspect...

 

Gore: Dropping Greenhouse Gases Cause For Concern

(BHN) - Former Vice President Al Gore called newly published reports that US greenhouse gases have dropped to their lowest levels in over 15 years "alarming."

"This is yet more clear proof that climate change is killing our world," claimed Gore. "Rising temperatures brought on by greenhouse gas emissions are destroying greenhouses and the food grown in them by eliminating badly needed gases. At this rate, in ten years there will be no greenhouses, and the world will starve."

Speaker of the House John Boehner called Gore's claims that greenhouse gases are destroying greenhouse gases "so retarded, even Nancy (Pelosi) can't get her head around it."

My comments:  I have a feeling Al may be making this one up.

 

Al Gore speaking from gas-depleted greenhouse

Obama Voters Pay No Taxes

WASHINGTON (BHN) -According to the Tax Policy Center, a Washington think tank, approximately 45 percent of all U.S. households will pay no federal income tax for last year. Based on the average number of registered voters per household and an understanding of the obvious, these individuals comprise almost all of Barack Obama's voter base.

"We figure maybe 2% of actual taxpayers inadvertently or unknowingly voted for Obama - these were probably older individuals who were confused. But besides them, the only people in this country who voted for Obama are deadbeats, and outside of sales tax on cigarettes and malt liquor, they don't pay taxes," said one prominent tax specialist.

The White House was quick to point out that "just because President Obama's voters don't pay taxes, doesn't mean they aren't doing their fair share."

My comments: Wow, what a news flash this was! Now tell us something we don't know.

Obama voter paying no taxes but "doing fair share"

Libyan Rebels Ask For $2B Loan

BENGHAZI, Libya (BHN) - Libyan rebels have sent a letter to the United Nations requesting to borrow $2 billion to buy "army things."

The list of items the rebels intend to buy with the loan include "1275 stylish, yet comfortable uniforms with medals, 1275 pairs of Dolce & Gabanna sunglasses (but not like the ones Muammar wears), 660 Humvees with air conditioning and CD players, 10 of those things that let you see in the dark, and one nuclear bomb."

The request was accompanied by a completed credit application listing collateral for the loan as being 132 assorted '80s and '90s Toyota pickup trucks (some running), 17 goats, 2 tons of hashish, and one fake diamond Rolex. The application was signed and dated by "The Rebiles."

The loan request specifies a two year term, and states that it will be repaid by "selling things left behind by Colonel Gaddafi" in the unlikely event they actually defeat him. "Gaddafi, that rat, has all kinds of expensive things that will bring a good price on Ebay. Repaying the loan is no problem at all," a rebel commander told Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

A US State Department official said that as with any loan, there would be a degree of risk, but that the rebels are at least as fiscally sound as the United States Government, and have better collateral. "They have some slow-pays and one collection, but their credit score is almost 600 - they're golden."

My comments: I don't know about you, but I'd like a closer look at that Rolex before I pony up...

 

Biden: "I Wasn't Sleeping, I Was Masturbating"

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Vice President Joe Biden insists he was not sleeping during President Obama's speech yesterday, despite appearing to do so on television.

"I heard everything President Obama said, every word," Biden told reporters later. "He talked about decibels and things of that nature - it was really great."

After one reporter played back television footage of the the Vice President (and the rest of the audience) nodding with his eyes closed, Biden maintained that he was "extremely awake" at that point, but had his eyes closed because he was masturbating. "There's no way I'd sleep while President Obama is giving a speech. No way," he said.

My comments: Actually, I think Joe would have been better off copping to the sleep charge, but that's just my opinion...

Vice President Biden: Asleep or 'jerkin the gerkin?'

Pelosi Has Thought, Brain Catches Fire

MEDFORD, Massachusetts (BHN) - There were a few tense moments last week when House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's brain apparently "caught fire" while she gave a lecture at Tufts University.

During a rambling, convoluted, and often incoherent speech, audience members became alarmed by what some described as an 'electrical fire' smell accompanied by what appeared to be smoke wafting from Pelosi's head. "Dude, her brain was smoking," said freshman Casey Isaacs. "It smelled just like my car radio when I wired it backwards."

Here is a transcript of Mrs. Pelosi's mental meltdown:

"To my Republican friends: take back your party. So that it doesn’t matter so much who wins the election, because we have shared values about the education of our children, the growth of our economy, how we defend our country, our security and civil liberties, how we respect our seniors. Because there are so many things at risk right now -- perhaps in another question I'll go into them, if you want. But the fact is that elections shouldn't matter as much as they do...But when it comes to a place where there doesn't seem to be shared values then that can be problematic for the country, as I think you can see right now."

Sources report that Pelosi later returned to "normal" after a lengthy nap.

My comments: That woman has the mental horsepower of a weed-whacker - thank God her head didn't explode!

 

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's brain overheats

Obama Used Tricks Against GOP

WASHINGTON (BHN) - In the wake of last week's budget showdown between the White House and GOP, it is becoming increasingly obvious that President Obama employed 'tricks' that resulted in the GOP thinking they were getting cuts when they were not.

According to Speaker of the House John Boehner, during his meeting with President Obama, the various programs being discussed for funding were represented by sponge balls labeled with the program name and corresponding dollar amount. Every time the two sides agreed to cut a program, the President would put that ball in his right hand, and balls representing saved programs would go in his left. After all the programs' fates were decided, the President then emptied the balls from each hand and the results logged.

According to the final tally, the two sides had agreed to cut three programs amounting to a total of $28.17 in savings, well under the nearly $40 million the GOP thought they had cut.

"He tricked us," an angry Boehner told reporters Monday afternoon after being told the final results. "I didn't like the way he was moving his hands all over the place. I hate him."

President Obama called Boehner's remarks "poor sportsmanship," and said he was looking forward to upcoming negotiations with him on moves to cut the deficit.

My comment: The second he saw those little foam balls, Boehner should have been out of there!

   

Obama: I Wish I Was Anonymous, Americans Agree

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Barack Obama told editors and publishers from Hearst Magazines that he often wishes he were anonymous.

"I just miss - I miss being anonymous," he said at the meeting in the White House. "I miss Saturday morning, rolling out of bed, not shaving, smokin a 'doob', taking walks. I can't take a walk."

The latest polling from Rasmussen shows that most Americans also wish Obama were anonymous, with the vast majority wishing he had never been born:

Do you wish Barack Obama... (1) Had never been born: 77%, (2) Was born but you had never heard of him: 17%, (3) Was born but then eaten by a giant squid: 6%

The polling information was taken from 1500 likely voters, with a margin of error of +/- 3 percentage points.

My comments: It appears Barry is far more popular than I would have guessed.

     

Pelosi: GOP Budget "War On Women"

WASHINGTON (BHN) - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said Thursday that the GOP's efforts to cut funding to Plannned Parenthood and restrict access to abortions are "a war on women."

"Every girl needs to know her unwanted fetus can be dismembered and vacuumed from her womb after an evening of one too many tequila shooters - believe me, I've been there," said an emotional Pelosi. "Now the Republicans want to deprive women of that comfort just to save the taxpayer a few bucks. How cruel!"

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that his caucus will not back down from its efforts to defund Planned Parenthood. "While Minority Leader Pelosi's very existence makes a compelling case for abortion, it's still nothing more than the slaughter of innocent children for the convenience of their slut mothers. Let them pay for their own murders."

Nancy Pelosi has long been one of Washington's strongest advocates for the killing of unborn babies, even arguing with the Pope (story 1, story 2) a few years ago that Jesus Himself would have favored them.

My comments: I agree with Boehner, if there was some way to stuff Nancy back in the womb, I'd temporarely suspend my convictions and personally pay for her mother's "right to choose" - this country would have been so much the better for it -

   
Pelosi makes impassioned plea for tax-funded infanticide

Alec Baldwin Bemoans Lack Of Spending By Obama

BHN - Actor and economic genius Alec Baldwin told CNS News that the financial crisis has "crippled" President Barack Obama, preventing him from doing any "new spending."

"If he (Obama) could only spend a bunch more money we don't have, he could really make his mark," said the well-known financial maven. "I think a second term of Obama, we’ll see a lot more of what we want to see from him."

Baldwin didn't indicate exactly what he thought everybody wants to see from the President, but one prominent political analyst said that "after the last two plus years, it's probably safe to say most people would like to see Obama not act like a Godless socialist retard."

Baldwin publicly supported Barack Obama in the 2008 Presidential election.

My comments: I've always enjoyed Alec's acting - my advice would be to stick with that, and maybe cut back on the Twinkies.

Obama Turns To Sharpton For Reelection

NEW YORK CITY (BHN) -President Barack Obama is in New York today to call upon a man he believes will be able to help propel him to another term as President - The "Reverend" Al Sharpton.

"It proves again that 2012 will be very different than 2008," said Larry Sabato of the University of Virginia. "Then, Obama was very wary of the race issue and mostly pretended to be white. Now having lost the support of every white person not on welfare, he has no choice but to 'go black' this time."

Choosing which black leader to go with wasn't easy. The administration needed an individual that would make Obama look ethical, moral, and honest in comparison, which narrowed the choice to either "Rev." Jesse Jackson, or Sharpton. Ultimately, the race-baiting shakedown artist Sharpton was the slimier of the two, by virtue of his shameful performance in the Tawana Brawley case.

My comments: Good choice, they picked the only famous black guy around that makes Barry look honest in comparison. Plus, because he also calls himself "reverend," Sharpton can plaster God's name all over this effort to put a Godless socialist moron back in office. Nice.

 

Suicide Bomber Attacks U.S. Online News Site

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - This news site suffered an attack by a suicide bomber this morning, apparently in response to an animated burning Koran recently added to a sidebar.

Big Hairy News owner Scooter Van Neuter received the following email this morning shortly before the attack:

DEAR MR NEWS

YOU THINK YOU MAY BEING CLEVR BURNING UP HOLY QURAN! YOU WILL SEE HOW CLEVR ARE YOU WHEN ALLAH SEND YOU TO HELL THIS DAY! ALLAHU ACKBHAR!!! EEEIEIIIEEIIIIEEIEIEIEIEIEIE (I MAKING THAT WARBLING SOND WITH MY TUNG)

XXX MUHAMMAD MESSEGER OF DETH XXX

PS LOVE PICTARS OF MICHELE OBOMA :)

Shortly afterward, a massive explosion demolished an internet cafe in downtown Peshawar Pakistan. A survivor told authorities he saw a man wearing a bulky coat accessing the Big Hairy News site on one of the computers, just before the individual leaned into the computer screen and ignited a bomb under his coat.

Pakistani police notified Van Neuter at his Phoenix office of the devastating attack. The popular news icon was taken to a local hospital where doctors say he is resting comfortably with non-life threatening injuries.

My comments: Thanks to all my dear friends and readers who have rallied to comfort me in this time of *cough cough* need, and thanks to God for protecting my staff and myself from serious injury, or worse, extremely serious injury. Must rest now.

 

Destroyed Pakistani internet cafe, Big Hairy News owner Scooter Van Neuter

Florida Retard Burns Paper, Muslim Retards Kill People

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan (BHN) -Dozens of people have been killed in riots throughout Afghanistan by Muslims angry over a showboating retard's burning of some paper.

"I burned the evil piece of sh*t (Holy Koran) to make a point," said Florida preacher Terry Jones. "I don't remember exactly what that point was, but I'm sure it had something to do with the fact that Islam sucks."

The violence started Friday when demonstrators stormed a U.N. compound in the northern city of Mazar-i-Sharif, killing 11 people, two by beheading, including seven foreign U.N. employees.

"What do you expect us to do?" asked one of the attackers, "That hillbilly turned our holy book into a charcoal briquette, we had to start killing people. The beheading thing is just something we like to do."

My comments: Who doesn't enjoy cooking delicious wienies over a crackling Koran? Those sheet-heads need to loosen up a little, and somebody better tell Jethro his 15 minutes of fame were up months ago.

   

Angry Muslims protest desecration of Holy Koran, Preacher Terry Jones

Sheriff Arpaio: Napolitano Victim Of "Hairball"

PHOENIX (BHN) - Controversial Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio slammed Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano's claim that the U.S. - Mexican border is safer than ever.

"That's ridiculous. She or he is obviously not getting enough oxygen - probably due to a big hairball,” said Arpaio, refuting claims by federal officials that crime along the Mexican border has dropped.

Arpaio's assertion is backed by the nonprofit Center for Immigration Studies' Mark Krikorian who called  Napolitano's statements "retarded even for her or him," and her(?) defense of administration policies along the border “so moronic it makes my head hurt.”

Under Arpaio's plan, airborne spotters will report suspicious activity to deputies on the ground, who will then "blow the crap out of those filthy cockroaches."

A spokesperson for Napolitano's office called the Arizona sheriff's remarks "extremely sexist and distasteful."

My comments: I would personally like to see Joe drop some of this political correctness BS, and be a little more direct. Go Joe!

Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio