World News Bureau

Valerie Jarrett: Obama Not Sitting On Sidelines

WASHINGTON (BHN) -The White House is battling the perception that Obama is impotently "sitting on the sidelines" while Congress does all the work.

"He's working tirelessly, meeting with his economic team, doing a lot of outreach, exploring all kinds of possibilities for compromise," Valerie Jarrett told reporters yesterday. "The fact he's doing these things on a golf course in no way diminishes his efforts."

Jarrett also said that the President "is getting absolutely no sleep," but later admitted that she was referring to "during the day."

Much has recently been said on both sides about Obama's leadership during the debt reduction negotiations, none of it positive.

My comments: I don't know what these people expect of Barry, I don't think Community Organizer school teaches any "debt reduction planning" classes - cut him a break, already!

President Obama wrestles with debt reduction plan

Wasserman-Schultz: GOP Balanced Budget Demands Could "Devastate" Economy

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Democratic National Committee Chairperson and fashion icon Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Retard-Fla.) on Wednesday said that House Republican demands to reduce the federal deficit and balance the budget could "spark panic and chaos," which she called "potentially devastating" to our economy.

“This is not leadership. This is almost like dictatorship," Wasserman Schultz said in an interview. "I know they (Republicans) want to force the outcome that … their extremists would like to impose (reducing the deficit, balancing the budget). But they are getting ready to spark panic and chaos, and they seem to be OK with that. Well it's not OK when women are getting raped and our cities are being looted and burned."

House Speaker John Boehner called Wasserman Schultz's comments "inflammatory," saying, "Trust me, the absolute last thing Debbie needs to worry about is getting raped."

My comments: Debbie's right, if the GOP doesn't allow Barry to drive us unfettered deeper into debt, the economy will surely be devastated (Play Twilight Zone theme music here)!

 

DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Government Spending Millions In Schools To ADVOCATE Homosexuality

 

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The United States Federal Government is giving millions of dollars to the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network, or GLSEN, to train teachers how to be "advocates for change" in their schools.

According to a GLSEN statement, the government money will fund "Sodomites In Training (SIT) programs based on GLSEN's Deviant Safe Space Kit, providing guidance, information, anal lube, suicide prevention and sexually transmitted disease advice, and resources to turn normal children into Godless, depressed sexual deviants."

"Too many children simply don't know how to become gay. We need to train teachers to show them how," said GLSEN Executive Director Eliza "Big Ronnie" Byard.

My comments: Gee, I wish I had some children in the public school system, so I could get a return on the tax dollars I'm spending for this "How To Become A Homo" training!

 GLSEN Deviant Safe Space Kit for schools

Rep. Barbara Lee Challenging Sheila Jackson Lee For "Most Retarded" Title

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The competition for the vaunted "Most Retarded Politician in America" title heated up yesterday, when Rep. Barbara Lee (D-Calif) released a statement saying the debt crisis has been “manufactured by Republicans” who are “attempting to advance an extremist agenda.”

Rep. Lee's call for Congress to increase the debt limit with no spending cuts, and insisting the national debt is not real has elevated her status from "dim-witted pinhead" to "painfully retarded," a spot currently held by Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex), presumably a blood relative.

"While Barbara undoubtedly has the IQ of a dead marmoset, I believe Sheila is still the more retarded," said House colleague Nancy Pelosi. "Let's face it, they're both dangerously stupid - thank God there's no IQ requirements for public office holders!" she added while trying to make a call on a calculator.

My comments: We congratulate the Lee family for somehow getting two of the stupidest people on the planet into high office! Now please neuter yourselves.

"Most Retarded Politician in America" frontrunners Barbara and Sheila Jackson Lee

News News News!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - News the way it was meant to be - all natural, always fresh, bursting with creamy goodness!

Norwegian Terrorist Kills 93 People, Wounds 97

I guess the Muslim terrorists were on vacation or something. Still, no matter who does it, mass murder just isn't that unusual anymore. Next story.

____________________________________________________________

Economic Tsunami Threatening USA

Sounds scary *yawn*. Next story.

____________________________________________________________

Mass Shootings In Texas, Washington

I guess you missed my comments in the first story. Next.

____________________________________________________________

Shocker! Amy Winehouse Found Dead!

CAMDEN, UK - The world is staggering with the news that popular singer Amy Winehouse was discovered dead in her home Saturday. She was 27 years-old.

"Nobody saw this coming," said one close friend. "I'm shocked. I saw her just the other night passed out in a pool of her own vomit after one of her three day cocaine/ecstasy/vodka binges, and she looked fine."

Condolences are pouring in from all over the globe, as people from every continent struggle to grasp the fact that the most talented and beloved entertainer of our time has been unexpectedly taken from us.

Amy Winehouse in better times, passed out in a city park

Chavez Governing By Twitter From Cuba

CARACAS, Venezuela (BHN) -Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is remotely governing his country via Twitter from Cuba where he is undergoing cancer treatments and reconstructive surgery.

Besides "Tweeting" administrative orders to his staff, the 56-year-old socialist strongman shares his daily activities, including what he is eating, etc., and even his intimate thoughts on life. While he hasn't discussed his specific medical issues, he does occasionally allude to them.

The 56-year-old socialist strongman reportedly accidentally lost his penis during cancer surgery in Cuba last month, and sources say he is being fitted with a replacement fashioned from cartilage taken from his ears, skin and soft tissue from his buttocks, and a power antenna from a 2003 Cadillac Eldorado.

Emanuel: No Public Schools For My Kids

CHICAGO (BHN) - Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is reportedly sending his three children to a private school, much to the consternation of the teacher's union and lower income individuals who voted him into office.

"So his chillin scape dis sewer jus cause he da mayor? F*ck dat sh*t," said one Chicago resident when told of the mayor's decision. Chicago Teacher's Union president Karen Lewis echoed those sentiments, reportedly saying, "Obviously, I'm offended. Our union spent a fortune backing him, and now he's basically telling us 'I don't want your people teaching MY children.' Well f*ck that sh*t and f*ck him and f*ck his stupid kids."

The Mayor's office was quick to defend Emanuel's decision. "Look, the Mayor is a big fan of the Chicago public school system," said an unidentified administration employee. "But they're his kids, and he wants them to actually get an education, preferably not getting murdered while doing it."

My comments: Gosh, tough call - do I want my kids taught by a bunch of overpaid morons who can't get a real job, in classrooms populated by Godless thugs and gang-bangers, or educated in a safe environment by learned individuals who must perform to keep their jobs? Decisions decisions....

Chicago Teacher's Union head Jabba the Hut Karen Lewis

Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Because there is absolutely no news to report today, we are pleased to present an in-depth review of the eighth, and final, movie based on J.K. Rowling's popular Harry Potter stories: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2.

Because of its name, I believe this movie to be the second part of a story, but because I didn't see the other one, I am not absolutely positive. If there was a Part 1, it was probably pretty good and I recommend you see it.

Anyway, this movie follows a young warlock, Harry Potter, around a gloomy mountainous region. Judging by the crappy weather and house architecture, the story takes place in an area just north of Seattle. Joining Harry are his friends Hermon (a cute girl), and Ron (a Ginger).

The whole movie is based on Harry having a showdown with an evil warlock named Lord Baltimore and his pet snake (I didn't catch the snake's name). The big fight scene at the end is very cool, with lots of spell-casting, some swordplay, but unfortunately little fu. At one point Harry Potter is dead, but then he's not. Ultimately, Lord Baltimore dies from a dry skin condition, and the house is trashed.

All in all, except for the needlessly cruel scene where somebody chops up Baltimore's pet snake (I've already written to PETA about this), this was a great movie that shows how wonderful life would be if there was no God, and we could do magic all over the place. I give it 4 rubber dog toys out of 5 - see it.

 

 

CASEY ANTHONY FOUND!

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - Just days after being released from a Florida prison, Casey Anthony has been spotted in a Phoenix, Arizona Wal-Mart. The sighting occurred literally hours after her attorney told reporters "she will never be found."

BHN investigators responded to a tip this morning that a woman matching Anthony's description was shopping at the store located in north Phoenix. Upon arriving at the store, our investigators confirmed that the woman in question, although disguised, was "absolutely" Casey Anthony.

"She was wearing a wig and sunglasses, but you could tell it was her," said BHN Editor S. Van Neuter. "To be certain, our investigator tapped her on the back and said, 'Casey Anthony?' She immediately turned around. We knew we had her."

Upon being discovered, the infamous child killer displayed the murderous rage that no doubt doomed her daughter. Muttering an expletive, she savagely pushed past our reporter and headed to the shoe department where she purchased a pair of sandals. Anthony's fondness for wearing shoes is well known.

My comments: Just looking into those dead, dark eyes gives me chicken skin!

Anthony shops at Phoenix Wal-Mart

MSNBC Eyes Sharpton For Olbermann Slot

NEW YORK CITY (BHN) - MSNBC is reportedly giving "Reverend" Al Sharpton the 6:00 PM slot that was vacated by Keith Olbermann's firing.

Many are questioning the move in light of Mr. Sharpton's years of race-baiting corporate shakedowns, racist lies and fabrications, masquerading as a "reverend," and general unparalleled sleaziness.

"After the Olbermann fiasco, we knew we needed someone with integrity," said MSNBC Operations Manager Helen Stevens-Dockson-Baurstax. "But Reverend Sharpton was available for a good price and he dresses well, so we're going in that direction."

My comments: I'm thinking Sharpton is a perfect fit for MSNBC :)

 

"Rev." Al Sharpton (file photo)

 

California Schools Find New Way To Promote Homosexuality

SACRAMENTO (BHN) -The state of California has come up with another way to indoctrinate children into the homosexual lifestyle - by teaching them about the contributions of famous LGBT (lubed gay butt thumpers, I think) Americans.

"We feel children, especially young children, really need to be taught how famous and successful they can become when they enjoy unnatural relations with those of their same sex," said the bill's creator, Sen. Mark Leno, D-San Francisco.

The bill originally called for public schools to teach LGBT history in general, but it was later modified to cover only American gay history, after noting homosexuality's contribution to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, ancient Greece, and other major civilizations throughout history. "We're here to teach kids, not scare them," said Tom Torlakson, Superintendent of Public Instruction.

My comments: Gosh, if somebody would have taught me in kindergarten how great being gay was, I'd probably be famous today! Damn!

  

Obama Flirting With "Time Out"

WASHINGTON (BHN) President Obama is perilously close to be assessed a "time out," due to his recent outbursts during debt reduction talks.

"He's really pushing it," said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. "One minute he's prancing around, the next he's holding his breath until he practically passes out. He's THIS CLOSE to going to time out.

President Obama tearfully stormed out of the meeting yesterday after throwing a croissant at John Boehner, and calling the Republicans "stupid poopy-heads."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sought to excuse the President's actions, saying his acting out was due to Cantor "making such a big f*cking deal over a few measly trillion dollars."

My comments: Somebody better put this little lying retard in a corner before he disrupts not only these meetings, but the whole damn country.

President Obama holds his breath during debt reduction meeting

Obama Threatens To Kill Elderly

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama announced Wednesday morning that possibly millions of senior citizens will likely die if Republicans do not agree to raise taxes as part of his debt reduction plan.

"These people need to buy medications, pay their electric bills, and purchase food with the social security checks I won't send them unless the GOP follows our lead," said Obama. "The bodies will be piled in the streets, and the only sound you'll hear will be the little children asking, 'Why did the Republicans kill Grandma and Grandpa?'"

Speaker of the House John Boehner called the President's remarks "pathetically retarded."

My comments: My own mother just called to accuse me of trying to murder her. Thanks, Barry.

 

 

Obama to the GOP: "More taxes, or Grandma buys the farm"

Michelle Obama: "Eat As I Say, Not As I Do"

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Healthy eating advocate First Lady Michelle Obama enjoyed a gut-busting 1,556-calorie lunch of a cheeseburger, fries, Diet Coke, and chocolate milkshake Monday at a Washington diner.

This morning Better Homes and Gardens magazine released a photo of their upcoming cover featuring a photo of Mrs. Obama with the headline "Fresh and healthy...Ideas and Inspiration To Help American Families Eat Right."  The photo shows the First Lady stuffing a cheeseburger into her face while seated at a reinforced picnic table arrayed with fresh vegetables.

"We wanted something edgy," said BH&G art director Jill Stancik. "Everyone knows Michelle eats crap but tells us to eat healthy - we wanted to capture the dynamic tension of her work."

Reportedly the decision to show the hydraulic jack supporting the table's seat under the weight of Mrs. Obama's enormous ass is intentional, and part of the theme.

My comments: Finally, some truth from the mainstream media! Bravo!

 

Boehner: Pelosi Made Debt Reduction Meeting "Uncomfortable"

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Speaker of the House John Boehner said that debt reduction talks at the White House over the weekend were "extremely uncomfortable," but not because of anything discussed.

"All I'll say is the next time Nancy's claw finds it way to my crotch area, she's going to lose it," Boehner said Monday morning to reporters. The pointed remark was in answer to a question about a photo of the meeting showing Nancy Pelosi obviously enjoying herself at the expense of a clearly agitated Boehner, while President Obama looks on.

Mrs. Pelosi's office released a statement calling Boehner's accusation "wishful thinking," and said she was "merely searching for common ground."

My comments: I hope this traumatic event doesn't turn Boehner into an alcoholic, or worse, gay...

 

Nancy Pelosi apparently groping Speaker John Boehner during White House meeting

Poll: Americans Trust Casey Anthony Over Obama

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - Polling results released today indicate that most Americans believe Casey Anthony to be more trustworthy than President Barack Obama.

The Research Data poll asked a cross section of 6,300 adults from all 50 states to rate the President against the recently-exonerated murderer of her own child. Surprisingly, Anthony bested Obama in all but one category. The results are shown below.

My comments: This is the most retarded thing ever - I don't need a stupid poll to tell me the obvious.

Al Qaeda Surgically Implanting Bombs

WASHINGTON (BHN) -The Transportation Safety Administration is warning international and domestic airlines traveling to the United States to be on the lookout for suicide bombers carrying surgically implanted bombs.

“The U.S. government has received information, intelligence about terrorist intent to use this type of concealment and this technique to try to carry out plots to blow up planes,” TSA Director John Pistole said.

The threat came to light after French intelligence agents arrested a young Middle Eastern man with 38DD breasts attempting to board an aircraft in Paris with a fake boarding pass. The explosives were discovered after an agent had his hands blown off during a "prolonged" frisking.

My comments: If they put a little more thought into this one, the terrorists may have something here!

 

Found: The 12 Stupidest People In America

ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. (BHN) - For the first time in over 16 years, indisputable evidence has isolated the 12 stupidest people living in the United States.

An Orange County, Florida jury on Tuesday found Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering her daughter Caylee, despite an overwhelming amount of evidence to the contrary. The last time in American history a group of individuals were universally identified as being complete morons was in 1995, with the 12 men and women that comprised the jury in the OJ Simpson trial.

"We needed to see more evidence," said one juror when asked by a reporter how they could have possibly found Anthony not guilty. "Look, just because Casey had been researching ways to kill people beforehand, then lied about someone taking her daughter, or that a dead body had been in Casey's trunk along with some of dead Caylee's hair and a bunch of chloroform fumes, or the fact that Caylee's head had been wrapped in duct tape taken from Casey's garage, is hardly reason to think she had anything to do with killing her daughter."

My comments: There are none that I can print.

 
Casey Anthony "gets back to business" upon hearing 'not guilty' verdict

NEA Teachers Union Endorses Obama

CHICAGO (BHN) - The National Education Association (NEA) voted at their annual convention in Chicago to endorse President Barack Obama's 2012 re-election campaign.

In a statement, NEA President Dennis Van Roekel says Obama and the union share a vision and members wanted early and strong support to help his election:

"We share the President's vision of poverty for the rich and poor alike, the glorification of Islam at the expense of evil Christianity, open and unfettered immigration, and the enthusiastic encouragement of homosexuality. Oh yeah, and also children learning things."

The association has 3.2 million members and bills itself as the largest labor union nationwide.

My comments: What a perfect match - the NEA has done for education what Barry has done for American prosperity. It's comforting to know this union is working tirelessly to equip our children with everything they need to be Godless, gay, and unemployed!

NEA President Dennis Van Roekel stirs union members at annual convention

Michelle: Stress Of Presidency Killing Barack

BOSTON (BHN) - Michelle Obama told an audience yesterday that the presidency is taking a heavy toll on her husband. This marks the fourteenth fundraising stop in a row where she has discussed the grueling hardships that come with holding the nation's highest office.

“I see the worry creasing his face. I hear the passion and determination in his voice. ‘You won’t believe what these folks are going through,’ he told me last night. ‘Michelle, it is not right. We’ve got to fix this. We have to do more,’” she said during a visit to Boston for a fund-raiser on behalf of the Democratic National Committee. "I told him he can't fix everything, that the golf course has people that will groom the sand traps. He needs to trust in them."

The First Lady wore her hair up, and was dressed in a cream-colored gown with high heels, giving her a towering presence of nearly eight feet. The menu  consisted of a salad of baby mixed lettuces and cilantro lime vinaigrette, and main course of Frito chili pie and french fries. Desert was a selection of fresh fruit and deep-fried Twinkies.

My comments: My pillow is wet with the tears I've wept for the suffering Barry's had to endure! No, wait, that's drool. Never mind.

 

Michelle Obama tells of Barack's suffering