World News Bureau

Obama Uncle Actually U.S. Citizen

WASHINGTON (BHN) - A birth certificate has been found that proves President Barack Obama's uncle is apparently a U.S. citizen. The document effectively removes any question of Onyango Obama's legal residency in this country, and assures he will be allowed to remain.

The certificate was discovered in a break room at the MSNBC studios in New York, and is assumed to have been accidentally left there by the doctor who delivered Onyango.

My comments: After studying this document, I can absolutely guarantee that Onyango Obama is just as much an American as his nephew!

 

ACLU Battles Schools Over Internet Filters

New York, NY (BHN) - Gay rights groups backed by the ACLU are fighting the use of internet filters by public schools to block students' access to gay advocacy and education websites.

"There is no legitimate reason why any public school should be using an anti-LGBT filter," said a staff attorney for the ACLU, and leader of the "Don't Filter Perversion" campaign. "Little boys really need to see oiled-up men in jockstraps, I know I do."

The ACLU wants schools to remove filters on “entire categories” of content, such as "LGBT," "sexuality," "lifestyle," "rump riding," tea bagging," and "bone smoking," If these broad filters are disabled, students will have access to an endless quantity of deviant sexual content.

Family values defender Alliance Defense Fund (ADF) is actively fighting the ACLU's efforts to promote homosexuality in public schools.

My comments: I'm terrified to think of what the ACLU must want for PE class :O

 

Shock, Disbelief Over Gallup Obama Job Approval Poll

WASHINGTON (BHN) -The latest Gallup presidential job approval tracking poll results are being met with shock and disbelief across the country.

The poll indicates that over 56% of respondents disapprove of the job Barack Obama is doing as President, while 38% approve. Presumably the remaining 6% were too stupid to understand the question. Outrage over these numbers was immediate and widespread.

"Obviously this 38% is either dangerously stupid, whacked out on drugs, severely mentally retarded, or most likely all three," said one federal judge. "Regardless, they need to identified, tracked, sterilized, and institutionalized or jailed." Others are calling for these individuals to simply be euthanized before they breed or infect others.

Retailers are crediting this latest Gallup poll for brisk sales of firearms and ammunition. "It's like finding out 38% of your neighbors are undead zombies," said one gun store owner. "In a way, I guess they are."

My comments: There should be a law against being that stupid, but I don't believe the answer is killing them. Forced sterilization and deportation would be the humane answer.

 

38% that believe Obama is doing a good job: What to do with them?

 

Michelle Obama Spending Money Like There's No Tomorrow

WASHINGTON (BHN) - New information reveals that First Lady Michelle Obama is spending money almost faster than her husband can borrow it from  China.

Not only is Michelle apparently responsible for the numerous expensive vacations her family has taken since getting into the White House, she is also the one who insists on taking a separate government plane and security detail in order to reach her vacation destination usually mere hours before her husband.

In addition to the opulent vacations, the First Lady indulges herself with only the finest foods, alcohol, clothes, and personal care, as evidenced by White House weekly expense records (below).

My comments: Good grief, no wonder our country is so in debt, and what the hell is a "depilatory?"

Sasquatch Sighting Near President's Vacation Home

MARTHA'S VINEYARD (BHN) - Local residents on this quiet island may not be sleeping so well since the reported sighting last night of a Bigfoot just down the beach from where the First Family is vacationing.

Several people called Martha's Vineyard police Wednesday night to report a "Bigfoot-type creature" slowly moving along the beach in the moonlight. Police quickly alerted Secret Service agents guarding the Obama's home, who reported seeing nothing unusual, but as a precaution did request that First Lady Michelle cut short her evening walk.

While Sasquatch sightings are not unheard of in Massachusetts, they are very rare on the island of Martha's Vineyard.

My comments: Holy-pope-on-a-rope, just reading this gave me chicken skin! They need to move the First Family to someplace safer, like maybe Afghanistan!

Mysterious creature terrorizes upscale vacation locale

 

Biden To Chinese: "We Also Believe In Killing Our Children"

CEMYWANG, China (BHN) - In an effort to forge stronger ties with America's largest lender, Vice President Joe Biden gave a lengthy address at Sichuan University last weekend.

The speech touched upon numerous topics of contention between the two countries. While discussing the US debt, Biden made reference to China's "one child" policy that has been responsible for the killing of millions of fetuses and even babies, primarily females.

"You share a similar concern here in China," Biden told the audience. "Your policy has been one which I fully understand - I’m not second-guessing - of one child per family. Hell, we Democrats also believe in killing our children. At least the ones we don't want."

In response to criticism over Biden's comments from conservative groups in the United States, the White House later issued a statement saying "Vice President Biden meant to say the word "choice" in place of "killing our children."

My comments: You know, Joe's party just might have more in common with China, than the US...

 

Vice President Joe Biden searches for the right words in China

 

Biden Mooches More Money From Chinese

MYLONGDONG, China (BHN) -Vice President Joe Biden reassured China on the safety of its U.S. debt holdings and said Sunday that the two countries need to recognize their mutual global responsibilities and ensure greater fairness in trade and investment conditions.

As he did earlier in his visit, Biden endeavored to ease China's concerns over its $1.2 trillion in U.S. Treasury holdings despite the massive U.S. deficit and downgrading of America's credit rating.

"You're absolutely safe," Biden told his host. "We've got plenty of money to pay you back, the only problem is our rich people still have it. We're working on that."

Despite Biden's assurances, the official Xinhua News Agency criticized Biden for borrowing $20 from Chinese President Hu Jinto for "gas money to get back home."

My comments: I heard Hu Jinto made Joe give "pony rides" to over 50 kids at his daughter's birthday party. It's official, they own us.

Vice President Biden borrows gas money from Chinese President Hu Jinto

Where Is Gaddafi?

TRIPOLI, Libya (BHN) - As rebels take possession of Libya's capitol city, President Muammar Gaddafi is nowhere to be found.

Gaddafi has not been seen in public since mid-June. Rumors this past week of a Venezuelan plane seen at a Libyan airport fueled renewed speculation that he may have headed to his close friend and suspected lover, Hugo Chavez.

The Venezuelan President appeared briefly with his nurse Monday morning to deny the rumor, saying he "had no idea" where Gaddafi might be. Chavez is recovering from reportedly losing his penis during cancer surgery in Cuba recently.

My comments: Gaddafi could be anywhere by now. I suggest someone stake out the Sunglasses Hut...

 

Obama Halts Deportation Of Illegals

 

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Obviously bowing to pressure from immigrant rights activists, the Obama administration halted deportation against illegal immigrants who meet certain criteria, such as speaking Spanish, displaying artistic aptitude with aerosol-propelled medium, or exhibiting superior automotive audio system removal skills.

The move marks a major reversal for President Obama, who has repeatedly said he does not have the authority to halt deportations, but must follow the laws as Congress has written them.

But in letters sent to Congress Thursday, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said her department does have the discretion under law to focus on "priorities," and that her department's main priority right now is "to get the President reelected."

The administration's move thrilled those on the left. "Today’s announcement shows that this president is willing to use his power to intervene when nice people are treated like criminals simply because they're breaking laws," said Rep. Luis V. Gutierrez (Retard - Illinois), a leading proponent of illegal immigration.

My comments: There's no coincidence this announcement comes on the heels of Maxine Water's diss of Barry on behalf of the black community. He no doubt realizes the only group he's not financially destroyed are illegals!

   Illegal Immigrant practices skills that exempt him from deportation

Black Caucus: Obama's White Half Ignoring Blacks

WASHINGTON (BHN) -  A key member of the Congressional Black Caucus told a Detroit audience Tuesday that despite the black community's blind devotion to President Obama, the CBC is becoming increasingly frustrated by his failure to address black Americans' problems.

We don't put pressure on the president," Rep. Maxine Waters (Retard-Los Angelas) told the audience at Wayne County Community College.  "Let me tell you why. It's because no matter how bad he screws things up, ya'll love the President because he's at least part black.  And we know If we go after him too hard, you coming after us like a Philly flash mob."

The problem, Waters said, is that the white half of Obama is not paying enough attention to the problems of black Americans, as evidence by his jobs-promotion/campaign trip through the Midwest that did not include any stops in black communities. The White House later released a statement saying the President's route "had nothing to do with race, and everything to do with insuring the safe return of the white individuals in the entourage, as well as the million dollar buses."

My comments: Question: Considering you are the first (semi) black President of the US, how hard are you riding the FAIL train to be dissed by the dimmest racist retard in office today, Maxine Waters? The answer: Very!

Rep. Maxine Waters (inset), Obama onboard FAIL train

Obama Jobs Plan Leaked

WASHINGTON (BHN) - A senior administration official announced Tuesday morning that President Obama has devised a "new and fresh" plan to stimulate job growth without adding to the national debt. The President will introduce the plan to the nation after his upcoming vacation at Martha's Vineyard.

We were able to obtain an early draft of the President's plan (below), and can report there is really nothing new with the exception of the "infrastructure bank" concept, a government funded entity that would provide loans and loan guarantees for infrastructure construction projects.

"The economy needs a push, but because of our debt problem we can't afford costly stimulus programs as in the past," the official said. "The infrastructure bank will provide funding for these projects."

My comments: Great plan, Barry! Instead of the government throwing hundreds of billions of dollars of borrowed money at a bunch of stupid temporary construction projects, the infrastructure bank will pay for them. Sweet!

Obama Lectures Automakers

CANNON FALLS, Minnesota (BHN) - President Barack Obama chastened US automakers Monday for not understanding the US auto market, and for selling too many SUVs and pickup trucks.

“You can’t just make money on SUVs and trucks,” Obama said during a town hall forum in Cannon Falls, Minnesota. “You have got to understand the market and build small, basic, moderately-powered, fuel efficient cars - regardless of whether anybody wants to buy them."

"We appreciate the President's advice, and will give it the consideration his automotive and marketing expertise warrants," a spokesman for Ford told reporters. "We have a hunch people also aren't wanting cars made of camel dung, maybe we should build those, too."

My comments: It goes without saying that Barry is the last person on the face of the earth anyone should be taking business advice from. I believe he should be concentrating on ruining the country as a whole, versus destroying individual industries.

 

President Obama lectures US automakers on car they should be building

Cameron: UK Must Reverse Moral Collapse

LONDON (BHN) -Prime Minister David Cameron said that Britain must confront a culture of laziness, irresponsibility, and selfishness that fueled four days of riots in his country.

"This has been a wake up call that something is desperately wrong with this nation," he told an audience at a youth center in Whitney. "We need to figure out how our populace has turned into lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, and unholy."

When asked later if he realized he had just quoted 2 Timothy 3:2 of the Bible, Cameron replied, "What's God have to do with any of this?"

My comments: Population turning into greedy, self-serving, violent savages? This sounds like a job for the government!

Londoners get into the spirit at local ex-church

UK Rioters Included Privileged, Middle Class

LONDON (BHN) - The British police report that some individuals arrested for rioting are, in fact, privileged and of the white middle class.

"Contrary to popular belief, not all of the hooligans were minority hood-rats," said London police captain Reeves Robincock. "In the dock we have people who are quite well-to-do, actually. I am gobsmacked."

Pictures released include a ballet student, organic chef, law student, radio personality, opera steward, and even retired individuals. Some rioters were apparently visiting the UK from the US and other countries.

My comments: Please be aware that any of my readers implicated in rioting anywhere will be banned for durations ranging from two minutes to twenty-five years depending on the severity of their crime, and how much I personally like them.

 

London looters included privileged white middle class, retirees

 

Gay Rights Group Petitions For Bert And Ernie To Marry

 

LOS ANGELES (BHN) - A gay rights group has posted an online petition calling for Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie to get married. The group claims the union would somehow save gay, lesbian, and transgendered kids from bullying.

The petition letter states "We are not asking that Sesame Street do anything crude or disrespectful by allowing Bert & Ernie to marry and maybe occasionally have anal sex..." It also suggests that the show "even add a transgender character in a tasteful way - perhaps a Cookie Monster-type puppet with a beard and large breasts."

Some parents are speaking out against the idea, fearing the show's producers would have to fit Bert and/or Ernie with genitals for the requested gay love scenes. "Hey, if my kids want to look at d*cks they can watch MSNBC," remarked one concerned mother. "They certainly don't need to see them on their favorite puppets, for God's sake."

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope! It looks like the only way to keep little gay children from getting beat up is to have all their favorite TV and comic book characters become Godless rope-smokers and rump-riders!

Britain To Use Extreme Force Against Rioters

LONDON (BHN) - David Cameron gave orders to police today to abandon the "Softly Softly" strategy, in favor of a much more forceful approach his office has labeled "The Punishing Hammer Of Death." The change is in response to out-of-control rioting that has crippled this country.

The first few days and nights of unrest saw MPs battling rioters with stern warnings and foam noodles, with little success. Hundreds of businesses were looted and burned, and dozens of innocent people beaten by the roving hoards of feral youth. "These people are clearly uncivilized," said police captain Jay Tiddly. "We will not be trifled with, I tell you. The gloves are coming off, this I promise."

The "Punishing Hammer Of Death" approach consists of the police cursing loudly at rioters while making menacing hand gestures, and as a last resort, shooting water cannons at them to drive them back.

Several rioters we spoke with appeared to be unfazed by the new strategy, one saying, "Rioting is hard and sweaty work, don't you know. Most of us haven't had a proper washing in days, and we are quite looking forward to the shower." The men were on their way to loot soap and shampoo at an area market.

My comments: I never thought I would see a civilized nation like Britain driven to this degree of brutality to defend herself! God save Britain, and God save the Queen!

 

MPs employ "Softly Softly" approach, beating back rioters with foam noodles

 

Al Gore Apparently Driving World Violence!

ASPEN (BHN) - Former Vice President Al Gore's fiery rhetoric appears to be inflaming leftists and anarchists to violence worldwide.

Reportedly frustrated by the lack of attention amid the financial crisis, Gore on Thursday viciously attacked right wing individuals and groups that have downplayed his shrill warnings of impending climate-caused global catastrophe.

Mr. Gore worked himself into a fevered frenzy during the course of his address at the Aspen Institute, ultimately growling and cursing those who  disagree with him. Repeatedly referring to scientific evidence contrary to his own as "bullsh*t," he said, "It’s no longer acceptable in mixed company, meaning bipartisan company, to even use the godd*mn word 'climate.'" He reportedly concluded his angry diatribe by upending the lectern, setting it on fire, then urinating on the flaming heap to the delight of the cheering audience.

Within days of Gore's inflammatory comments, riots and flash mob violence broke out in the United States and Britain, with hundreds of liberal minorities viciously attacking innocent citizens and looting and burning businesses. A source in his organization described Gore as being "elated that the world is finally as outraged as he is about polar bears floating around on tiny, melting icebergs."

My comments: Wow, Al needs to be careful what he says, he could destroy the world!

Al Gore inflames liberals with  powerful rhetoric

Obama Exempting Schools From Testing Mandate

WASHINGTON (BHN) -Obama administration Education Secretary Arne Duncan is announcing today a system of waivers relieving public schools from federally-mandated reading and math proficiency tests. The tests are required by the No Child Left Behind Law, which was instituted to assure every student would be proficient in math and reading by 2014.

A National Education Association (NEA) teacher's union spokesperson applauded the administration's move, saying the testing requirement is "unfair to children who are already burdened with having to deal with more important things in school, such as nurturing their gay, lesbian, or transgender sexual identities, and studying the evils of capitalism."

The step-by-step ramping up of the 9-year-old law is causing too many school districts to be rated as non-compliant, as their students fail the tests because they are unable to read them.

The Obama administration is proposing  equivalency tests based on texting proficiency.

My comments: This seemed doomed to fail in the first place - making public school kids read a reading test. As for the math part, what, are you kidding me?! Meanwhile, kids in private schools are splitting atoms and writing books -

TSA Staff Undergoing Transgender Training

SAN FRANCISCO (BHN) - Transportation Security Administration staff are being required to take sensitivity training after a transgender employee in California won a suit claiming unfair discrimination by his/her employer.

Hangun Wang, 29, won a judgement against the TSA after being fired last summer from his/her job as a screener at Los Angeles International Airport. In addition to a five-figure cash settlement, the judgement also mandated sensitivity training for TSA management employees. The training is to assure that normal rules requiring screeners only frisk passengers of the same sex be set aside for transgendered individuals.

The TSA fired Wang several months after he announced to his employers that he was a female trapped inside a male body, and started dressing as a woman. Instead of allowing him to then frisk women, the TSA still required he frisk only male passengers, many of whom complained about being groped by a hairy man wearing a wig and makeup.

The result of the judgement against the TSA has been an avalanche of thousands of applications from transgendered males applying for jobs as female screeners. The TSA is reportedly hiring all of them, for fear of lawsuits claiming sexual bias.

My comments: Hey, I think I finally found my dream job! Where's that wig?

 

New Transgender TSA passenger screener on the job

Kenya Celebrates Native Son Obama's Birthday

 

NYANGOMA KOGELO VILLAGE, Kenya (BHN) - Relatives of President Barack Obama gathered to celebrate their country's most famous native son's 50th birthday today.

More than 30 close and distant relatives of the President shared memories of the day he was born in the town of Mombosa, Kenya.

"Yes, yes, I remember like yesterday the day little Barry was born," reminisced his grandmother Sarah Hussein Obama. "He looked like a space alien when he came out! Knowing his mother, maybe he was Hahahaha."

"I held baby Barry in my arms, and remember how he couldn't cry until I drew a picture for him showing a baby crying," said Barack's uncle Said Obama. "I did the same thing later to show him how to talk and what to say. Strange."

The government of Kenya has always claimed Barry Soetoro/Barack Obama was born in that country, and recognizes his birthday as a national holiday. His birthplace remains a popular tourist attraction.

My comments: I guess we know now who's responsible for Barry's teleprompter addiction!

Barack Obama's grandmother proudly displays photo of him as an infant in Kenya