World News Bureau

Dinner With Barack Now Only $3 (Or Whatever You Have Left)

 

WASHINGTON (BHN) -The latest fundraising letter from the Obama reelection campaign is from First Lady Michelle and now asks for only $3, or whatever money one has left from their last unemployment check.

Through our sources in the White House, we received this draft:

__________________________________________________

From: Michelle Obama [mailto:[email protected]]
Sent: Wednesday, September 28, 2011 2:34 PM
To:
Subject: These dinners

XXXX —

Not everyone knows how to prepare for a dinner like this. As someone who's eaten countless gut-busting meals with my husband, I want to tell you the one thing to do if you're selected to join him...

Just relax and stuff your face with mass quantities of greasy fried food, because Barack wants this dinner to be fun, and he really loves pretending getting to know supporters like you.

I hope you'll take him up on it before Friday's deadline, because frankly he really needs your dough!

Will you donate $3 or more today and be entered to have dinner with Barack? If you don't have the $3 because you've lost your job, send whatever you have left from your last unemployment check, it will still help!

These dollars dinners mean a lot to Barack. They're a chance for him to talk with a few of the little people who are driving this fail train campaign — and a chance for him to say thank you and "do you have any more money?"

So come prepared to tell your story about losing that job and say whatever's on your mind, as long as it's fawning praise for my husband's ambitious, if not misguided, policies.

Don't miss the opportunity to be there. Donate $3 (or whatever you have left) today, before the September 30th deadline:

https://donate.barryobama.com/Dinner

Thanks you cheap bastard :)

Michelle

 

Iran Sending Naval Ships To US Coasts

TEHRAN (BHN) - Iran's state-run Islamic Republic News Agency announced Tuesday that Iran is sending navy ships to shadow U.S. coasts.

"Commander of the Navy of the Army of the Islamic Republic, Admiral Ihabirag Onmihed said that the same way that the world arrogant power is present near our marine borders, we, with the help of our skillful sailors and a really good compass shall also establish a powerful presence near the marine borders of the United States," the story said. The reference to the "world arrogant power" was presumably intended to refer to the United States.

A Department of Defense spokesman dismissed any military threat the Iranian ships might pose, but expressed concern over possible environmental damage from large quantities of rust washing up on popular tourist beaches.

My comments: A good BB gun and a scope could sink the whole fleet - I hope they stay well off shore!

 

Iranian heavy battleship "Sea Donkey" prepares to sail for US waters

Geithner: $200K Per Job A Great Deal

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner doesn't dispute that each job in the White House's jobs plan would cost taxpayers $200,000, but said the price tag is the wrong way to measure the bill's worth.

In an interview Monday with ABC News' David Muir, Geithner stressed that the true measure of the plan should be how it makes people feel.

"If borrowing a few billion makes you feel like you're doing something, it's worthwhile regardless of whether what you're doing makes sense," said Geithner. "Spending $200K for every $30K job created is at least doing something, which is better than doing nothing. Right?"

My comments: Yeah, our country's financial future is in some good hands here *sigh* -

 

Obama To Blacks: Stop Complaining About My Poor Performance

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama addressed America's black population in his speech at the annual Black Caucus Awards/Whitey Victimization Dinner Sunday, ordering them to stop complaining about his abject failure at creating jobs.

Inexplicably lapsing into ebonics, Obama commanded blacks to change footwear and go to work despite the aforementioned absence of any jobs. "Take off 'yo bedroom slippers. Put on 'yo marchin' shoes," he said, his voice rising as applause and cheers mounted. "Shake it off, blood. Stop complainin'. Stop grumblin'. Stop cryin', bitches. We gonna press on. We gots work to do. Word. Peace out."

Many in the audience responded to the President's plea by taking off their bedroom slippers and putting on marching boots, before heading out to look for work.

My comments: I love how Barry's getting his base all worked up to fight against whoever has destroyed job creation in this country! It's like a thief yelling "there's a robber in here!"

Abbas Submits Palestinian Statehood Bid To UN

UNITED NATIONS (BHN) - Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas asked the United Nations on Friday to accept the Palestinians as a member state, in a dramatic move to piss off Israel re-energize their quest for an independent homeland.

Abbas, wearing a modern suit and traditional Palestinian bomb belt, was greeted by sustained applause and appreciative whistles as he approached the dais in the General Assembly hall to deliver a speech outlining his people's hopes and dreams of driving the Jews into the sea becoming a full member of the United Nations. Israeli Foreign Minister Avigdor Liebermann farted loudly and left the hall as Abbas approached the podium.

The U.N. recognition bid has won President Abbas broad popular support at home.

My comments: I can't believe this moron wore a brown bomb belt with a black suit! Tacky, tacky!

 

Shocking Obama Sex Photo!!

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - This news organization has come into the possession of a photo that is sure to rock the Obama campaign, if not the administration.

The photograph, possibly taken at the White House, appears to show a three-way tryst between the President, First Lady, and the President's Teleprompter.

The White House has so far refused to comment on the shocking photo, below.

 

Highlights of Obama Address To The UN

NEW YORK CITY (BHN) - President Obama addressed the United Nations Wednesday morning, and I was there covering the event. Here is my live blog as it happened:

10:15 - President Obama begins his address. He says something about wanting to say something about "peace in a perfect world" or maybe it was "imperfect," I'm not sure as I'm listening from the mens' bathroom next to the room where the President is speaking, and when somebody flushes, I can't hear.

10:15 - 10:30 - The President mentions something about war, then Afghanistan and Iraq then Libya. He's talking about women and minorities now. Apparently, women and minorities are either attacking these countries or are being attacked by these countries. Whatever the case, it's shocking.

10:30 - 10:40 - President Obama is addressing the situation between the Palestinians and Israel. He said something about them "standing in each other's shoes."  It seems the Palestinian homeland issue is taking a back seat to the petty theft of footwear. Now he's talking about nuclear weapons - obviously this shoe theft thing is a way bigger problem than any of us realized. There's a lot of flushing going on.

10:40 - 11:00 - Now the President is talking about gays and lesbians(?). There's too much farting to make out the details, but let's hope to God the homos aren't wrapped up in this shoe thing because you know how much they like shoes. Gay people would definitely use weapons of mass destruction against anybody stealing their expensive designer shoes, especially if they're hopped-up on ecstasy and wine coolers. People are clapping, so the President must be done. Good, because I can't breathe.

 

President Obama addresses the United Nations (artist rendering)

 

Liberals To Challenge Obama

WASHINGTON (BHN) - In what must surely be the worse vote of confidence yet, liberals say they will field challengers to Barack Obama in the 2012 primary elections.

"I respect the President but let's face it, he's about as popular as a turd in a punchbowl," said progressive leader Ralph Nader.

Preliminary challengers being considered are Nader, some gay guy who makes balloon animals, a trained ferret, and a ball of navel lint. A White House spokesman called the proposed liberal candidates "beatable, especially if the ferret's not that sharp."

My comments: Yikes! You know you're circling the drain when you're the president and no less than Ralph Nader is threatening to kick your butt!

 

Barack Obama Fan Club - Middle East Chapter

Since his emergence seemingly out of nowhere just a few years ago, Barack Obama has electrified the world, and in a very short time his leadership has forever dramatically changed the United States of America.

In recognition of all that this man represents, Big Hairy News is pleased to announce the establishment of the Barack Obama Fan Club - Middle East Chapter(TM).

_____________________________________________________

WHAT WE ARE:

The Barack Obama Fan Club - Middle East Chapter celebrates President Obama's legacy and reaches out to his Muslim fans abroad with the tools and information they need to personally connect with this popular leader, as well as his close political allies such as Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Barney Frank, and others!

_____________________________________________________

WHAT WE DO:

The Barack Obama Fan Club - Middle East Chapter provides educational materials such as maps, photos, and diagrams of the White House and Capitol buildings, updated presidential itineraries, interesting facts about travel routes, favorite restaurants, etc., coupled with recreational firearms and explosives training!

Through our exclusive travel consultants in Mexico, we assist in getting fan club members into the United States for that special visit to Washington, and for those especially-enthusiastic fans who wish to sight-see President Obama's home by air, we provide flying lessons and airplane rentals at discount rates.

_____________________________________________________

WHO MAY JOIN:

Any devout Muslim man or woman age 18 to 45 residing in the Middle East who wishes  to forcefully connect with President Obama (or Pelosi, Reid,  Frank, etc.) may join for free, with a special welcome for former Guantanamo Bay or Abu Ghraib prison inmates. Bring your friends!

_____________________________________________________

 

Lastly, every new member receives a beautiful framed photo of President Obama scratching his butt with a copy of the Holy Koran (above), absolutely free!

The Barack Obama Fan Club - Middle East Chapter:

"Bringing Barack Obama and Middle Eastern Muslims together."

FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY: The first 100 new members will receive, absolutely free, detailed information on House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, including home address, gate and security system codes, residence floor plan, favorite restaurants, and more!

JOIN NOW! Send your membership request to:

 [email protected]

 

Copyright 2007 - 2013 Barack Obama Fan Club - Middle East Chapter 

Slackers Begin "Day of Rage" Against Capitalism

NEW YORK CITY (BHN) - Neatly coinciding with President Obama's proposed tax increase on the wealthy, thousands of Democrats descended upon New York City's financial district Monday morning to protest anyone earning more than they are - which in most cases would be welfare.

Several social networking sites called for the occupation of Wall Street for "as long as it takes" to erase man's desire to make money. Presumably, the congregating of thousands of angry, stoned slackers will make Wall Street workers feel guilty for their success, prompting them to give their money and belongings to the protesters.

"CEOs, the biggest corporations and the wealthy are taking too much from our country, and I think it's time for us to take back," said one protester."Hey, could I bum a cigarette and some change?"

One immediate positive result of the "Day of Rage" was an overwhelming sense of relief from the thousands of parents who are regaining their basements for the duration of the protest.

My comments: Those evil, rich b*stards! Maybe if they had less money, they'd give more to the rest of us! Wait, no, I mean maybe if they had less money, they'd give us more jobs! Damn, that doesn't work either. They just need less money, that's all.

 

NPR: Obama Like Jesus

WASHINGTON (BHN) - In a bizarre continuation of their fawning support for President Obama, an NPR story posted Wednesday compares the President to Jesus Christ.

Reporter Frank James wrote that Obama's asking for the the public's support of his jobs bill at a rally in North Carolina "is reminiscent" of Jesus exhorting Peter in John 21:15 to spread His Gospel to the world.

Reaction to the story has been predictably strong, with literally thousands of individuals marveling at the fact that any NPR employee would know a Bible verse.

My comments: Wow, comparing The Lord to a serial liar/politician is a bit of a stretch, even for these morons! No doubt God is impressed.

 

Like Jesus? Not so much

Obama Scrambling To Regain Jewish Vote

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama and his campaign have apparently gone into disaster mode after the embarrassing Congressional loss Tuesday in a New York district held by Democrats for almost a century.

The President, dressed as an orthodox Jew and sporting a fake beard, yesterday unexpectedly showed up at a pro-Palestinian rally outside of the White House, and joined a small number of Jews angrily protesting against them.

The move marks a dramatic departure for Obama, who has been an ardent promoter of a Palestinian homeland to the point of alienating traditionally-Democrat Jewish voters.

"Look, I'm not against the Meshugana Palestinians having a homeland, but not in the land Hashem gave my forefathers," President Obama told reporters. "As far as I'm concerned, they can kish mir in tuchas."

Police and Secret Service moved in to protect the President, after a Palestinian protester objected to Obama taking his "Free Palestine" sign and stomping on it.

My comments: I dunno, this seems like a cheap stunt to me...

 

President Obama (left) confronts Palestinian at rally

Obama Website Collects Dirt

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Obama administration has established a website to solicit reports of online, print, and broadcast media stories that unfairly portray the President or his record.

"We created 'Attack Watch' to find and identify misleading information about President Obama, so we could rebuke it with the truth, at least as we see it," said a spokesperson for the site.

"For instance, one online news site posted a photo allegedly showing Barack Obama smoking crack, but there's no smoke coming out of the pipe. Another story on the same site repeatedly refers to First Lady Michelle as a 'Wookie,' but biographical information clearly states her father was a Sasquatch - another lie."

Insiders report that Attack Watch is receiving so many reports of unfavorable stories about the President, that he will likely be out of office before they can address even a fraction of them.

My comments: This site has added a link to Attack Watch in the right column, so readers don't have to search for them after reading every article we post. You're welcome.

 

A Better Jobs Plan

Big Hairy News Editorial - Financial experts have calculated that President Obama's jobs plan will cost taxpayers $250,000 for every job saved or created. Including interest to the ChiComs, the actual total is a whopping $312,500.00 for every job!

Of course the problem with this new stimulus jobs plan is that it creates a bunch of temporary union construction jobs that end when the bridges are repaired, highways completed, etc. Considering the average infrastructure project lasts approximately 10 - 12 months, that's a lot of cash spent for such short term results.

Here's a better idea: Instead of giving Fat Tony and his AFL-CIO buddies a small fortune for next-to-nothing (again),  we need to just give every unemployed individual $62,500 a year for five years. While I realize this is slave wages for Fat Tony and his boys, the average person would be happy as a clam.

And like any person given money they didn't work for, recipients will blow it on an endless variety of crap they don't need, giving our economy a healthy shot in the arm that will last for a full five years, versus maybe one for Obama's plan. Five years from now these people will be able to find real jobs, as conservatives will have had time to undo the damage this administration has inflicted on the private sector.

The logic of this argument is undeniable, and to do otherwise would be retarded. Make it so.

Note to government: Make sure you have my new zip code!

 

Michelle Obama Comic Book Is A Hit!

VANCOUVER, Washington (BHN) - A comic book company in Washington State is finding success featuring perhaps the most unlikely of heroes - women in politics.

The company's most popular issue to date in the "Female Farce" series is First Lady Michelle Obama in "Finally Proud," with sales in excess of 130,000 copies.

In her comic, Michelle vacations and shops in some of the most exotic locales on earth. The fun ensues as she spreads a message of healthy eating and nutrition everywhere she goes, while comically feasting on gut-busting double cheese burgers, chili-cheese fries, and chocolate malts.

In another episode, the First Family can't find Bo the dog after Michelle unknowingly sits on him with her enormous ass (Bo nearly dies, but ends up being OK after she poops him out later).

The overall message of the comic is that even after years of being ashamed of your country, you can be proud and happy when you're enjoying the fat of this great land!

My comments: I guess my question would be, exactly who are these 130,000 people, and how can I be sure none of them live close to me?

 

Eternal Reward

Markets React To Brilliant Obama Jobs Plan

NEW YORK (BHN) - President Obama's bold plan to create jobs dynamically moved the stock market into the crapper Friday. The move dampened the administration's celebration of an economic rescue strategy they were able to formulate in a mere 961 days after gaining office.

Financial experts we interviewed (as well as likely anyone with at least the IQ of a retarded wombat) were not at all surprised by the market's reaction, noting that outside of some token tax reductions, Obama's plan basically consists of borrowing hundreds of billions of dollars more from the Chinese to spend on short term union construction projects.

"Investors are people smart enough to have jobs and earn money," said one Wall Street executive. "They know that running up the national debt another half-trillion bucks so a bunch of union members can be employed for six months repairing bridges and building doomed solar farms won't do squat for the economy."

My comments: How was Barry able to present that whole "infrastructure" thing and not call it stimulus? No matter what you call it, this plan stinks!

 

President Obama presents his jobs plan to a joint session of Congress

Pelosi Mad At What GOP's Silence Is Saying

WASHINGTON (BHN) - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is "absolutely livid" at the Republicans' refusal to offer a rebuttal to President Obama's jobs plan speech tonight.

Pelosi said the party's "silence" would "speak volumes about their lack of commitment to creating jobs."

House Speaker John Boehner was quick to respond to Pelosi's statement, saying, "First of all, silence can't speak, as it is the absence of sound. But if in Nancy's Bizarro universe silence could somehow talk, our silence would speak volumes about our not giving a rebuttal to a plan so obviously retarded as to not be worth mentioning."

When told of Boehner's stinging remarks, Pelosi told reporters that "Speaker Boehner is just using words to mask his silence that is saying so much."

My comments: I'm getting a headache.

Obama Demands Israel Apologize For Defending Itself

WASHINGTON (BHN) -The Obama administration is pressuring Israel to apologize for action it took against a Hamas-supported flotilla that attempted to enter the Gaza Strip last year (June 2010 news reports of incident: Part 1, Part 2).

The White House is siding with Turkey in its demand for an apology over Israel's firing upon flotilla activists who were trying to kill Israeli soldiers attempting to board the ships. The Israelis were primarily armed with paintball guns.

"Israel clearly overreacted in trying to detour the flotilla," said a U.S. State Department spokesperson. "Their decision to use deadly force against innocent civilians who were trying to kill them was brutal and uncalled for. They need to apologize."

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has rejected Turkey's demand for an apology, and sources report he instructed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to tell President Obama to "suck it."

My comments: Wow, Obama is siding with a bunch of fanatical inbred Muslims against Israel - who would have guessed?

 

Israeli commandos raid Turkish activists flotilla June 2010

Maxine Waters: We Need A Trillion Dollar Jobs Program

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Rep. Maxine Waters (Retard-CA) told NBC's Meet The Press that President Obama must spend "a trillion dollars or more" for a jobs program to fix the economy. That figure works out to over $71,000 for every one of the 14 million individuals presently unemployed.

That’s the only way to revitalize this economy," said Waters. "Jobs are made, people earn money, they spend that money, and that’s what gets the economy up and going. It's so simple.”

While interviewer David Gregory failed to ask Waters where the trillion dollars would come from or what it would be used for, Waters later told a real reporter that the money would come from "the government" and be used to "create jobs." When told the government was already $10 trillion in debt, and can only create government jobs that the private sector must then pay for, Waters briefly stared into space before angrily accusing the (black) reporter of being "racist," then stormed out.

My comments: Every time Maxine opens her mouth, she reminds us of the fact that even a retarded pinhead can obtain high public office, as long as your voters are at least as stupid as you!