World News Bureau

Cold, Snow Creating Hardship For OWS

NEW YORK CITY (BHN) -Snow and rain drenched demonstrators at Zuccotti Park over the weekend. New York City received 2.9 inches of snow, a record for October.

Those camping out in the park have been stockpiling donated blankets, scarves, coats and have been trying to get more tents, cots, tarps, and marijuana.

According to an “urgent” alert on their website, OWS is looking for a number of other donations, including boots, condoms, gloves, anti-fungal ointments, hand and foot warmers, body lice medication, hats, scarves, herpes cream, and plastic bongs, among other things. The site says the protesters “are in need of emergency supplies crucial for cold weather survival, getting high, and combating a variety of sexually transmitted diseases.”

My comments: How long can the big Wall Street investment firms hold out against an occupation of 200 frozen hippie retards shivering under tarps in a neighborhood park? My guess would be forever. Maybe longer.

 

OWS hippie's lips frozen to glass bong

Undercover At Occupy Wall Street - Day 5

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - I am undercover this week with the Occupy Wall Street protesters, reporting from Zuccotti Park in Manhattan.

Day 5 - Thursday October 27, 2011.

7:45 AM - Woke up with a splitting headache, thanks to the drum circle retards who apparently have nothing better to do this time of morning. I managed to hit one of them from my back patio with an empty rum bottle - no small feat from this distance. His cries and profuse bleeding made the morning seem a little brighter.

8:12 AM - I was too lazy to go out for breakfast, so I joined the mutants and walking dead in the free food line. This morning they were serving "homemade stone-ground granola," and while it had the consistency and weight of pea gravel, it didn't taste bad - I had like 5 servings.

9:04 AM - Walking through a maze of sleeping bags, I met a new friend named Nancy when I accidentally stepped on her face. She had come from Connecticut with her boyfriend, who ended up getting arrested for vandalizing a statue, and severely burning a girl sitting on it. We huffed some spray paint as we headed to the park's mission control area to see what was going on.

9:12 AM - Mission control was abuzz with all kinds of counterculture activity. Besides the usual doofuses droning on about their delinquent student loans or the virtues of windmills, one pinko teacher had brought his class of little kids for indoctrination, under the guise of having them showing off their Halloween outfits. I noticed one little girl dressed as Dracula was smoking a joint.

9:58 AM - Out of nowhere I experienced an ominous twinge in my lower tract. Suddenly the twinge morphed into what I'm sure the guy in Alien felt, just before that pork chop with teeth came bursting out of his guts. It suddenly became crystal clear that the 'homemade stone ground granola" had more fiber than a 200 pound bedspread, and it was racing through my lower tract like a crazed gopher. Leaving what's her name in a cloud of methane, I sprinted for my tent. As I  made my way through the crowds of misguided slackers and fools, a low-hanging fog of fart testified to the granola's widespread influence. The sounds of passing gas were occasionally punctuated with muffled explosions and accompanying screams of those idiots firing up a bong or joint. Surely, this is what Hell must be like.

10:00 AM - I reached my personal porta-potty with not a moment to spare, hardly noticing the five or six naked hippies bouncing around in my bed. As I hit the launching pad, my colon was jerking like a Special Olympics cheerleader, and ignition brought enough thrust to propel an average-sized tree squirrel into low orbit, but only enough to lift me maybe two feet. I was momentarily stunned by the concussive shock in the tiny space, and I was flinging sweat like a just-bathed poodle. Finally calm prevailed, at least until I noticed some filthy hippie had stolen my toilet paper. Damn, I hate these people!

10:12 AM - I assume the muffled violence emanating from the porta-potty had scared away the hippies, as they were thankfully gone when I emerged. My 1000 count sheet was more than adequate for my immediate personal hygene needs, and after medicating myself with with a bottle of schnaps filled with Alka-Seltzers and Percocets, I took a much-needed nap.

3:22 PM - The rain woke me up. Not the sound of rain, but the rain itself. As this reality came into focus, killing hippies was all I wanted to do - at least the filthy mongrels who had stolen my tent and everything in it, save for a sheet. As I searched the park for my tent in the pouring rain, I couldn't help but notice all the hippies sporting new nylon ponchos the same color as my missing tent. I was wondering where one could get a shotgun in downtown Manhattan, as I gave up my search and looked for some kind of shelter.

4:30 PM - It's cold and raining. I'm huddled under a plastic tarp with several clueless hippie pinheads while waiting for my ride out of here. Here's ten things I learned in Zuccotti Park this week:

1. The average individual here has the IQ of a tennis ball.
2. The protesters' understanding of things 'financial' is pretty much limited to the act of borrowing money. The paying back part frustrates and angers them. Investing, whatever that is, is something evil people do to harm poor people.
3. Ignorant hippieism is obviously a genetic defect that, like alcoholism, is handed down from the parents. There appears to be no treatment other than becoming a conservative.
4. There seems to be a direct correlation between protesting and sexually transmitted diseases.
5. Because they have no jobs and pot is expensive, all hippies mooch and steal stuff.
6. Homemade stone-ground granola is more dangerous than it sounds.
7. Most of the hippies at Zuccotti Park are too busy doing hippie things to actually protest anything.
8. I hate hippies.
9. I'm still thinking about this one.
10. I'm still thinking about this one.

End of day 5 and end of my undercover report from Zuccotti Park, thank God.

 

Granola, child Dracula with joint, granola aftermath

Zuccotti Park protesters

NOTE TO NON-REGULAR READERS: Most of the above people are regular readers / commenters :) 

Undercover At Occupy Wall Street - Day 4

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - I am undercover this week with the Occupy Wall Street protesters, reporting from Zuccotti Park in Manhattan.

Day 4 - Wednesday October 26, 2011.

9:30 AM - Woke up early and said bye to Moondust. She was somewhat unresponsive, so I dragged her behind the tent, and covered her with a dog bed I found there.

9:38 AM - Instead of Starbucks or IHOP, I decided to try the camp food for a change, so I got in line with what appeared to be the bar characters from Star Wars. The crisp fall air reminded me of growing up in the Midwest - musky B.O. tinged with delicate overtones of ass, pot, urine, and puke. I got my food and took it back to my tent, anxious to finally use my new Ethan Allen dining room set.

9:57 AM - The food, described on the food station sign as "CRUELTY-FREE, NO: GLUTEN, SUGAR, SALT, FAT, ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, OR COLORING. ALL NATURAL," was as diverse as the OWS inhabitants themselves. Incredibly, someone had managed to create a food product that looked like a loosely compacted mound of scabs, yet tasted like a pine cone sauteed in the phlegm of a giant tortoise. I took it out back and laid the plate next to Moondust's face, in case she woke up hungry.

10:13 AM - Had a Grand Slam at Denny's.

11:19 AM - Back at camp I smoked some bud, then decided to inteview some of my fellow protesters for my story. I approched a middle-aged guy eating breakfast (or something).

11:30 AM - (Interview) Me: Can I ask you where you are from, and why are you here?

Guy: I'm from Texas and I'm protesting against Wall Street I guess.

Me: What, exactly, upsets you about Wall Stre...

Guy: Could I borrow some change?

Me: I don't really have any on me.

Guy: Can I get a doob?

Me: Sorry.

Guy: F*ck you then.

Me: Bite me, hippie retread.

11:32 AM - I headed back to my tent to write up the interview, but stopped at the master control center of the park where important announcements and mission statements are announced to the rest of us. Here a speaker yells out their message one sentence at a time, then pauses while 10 - 20 people in the area repeat it, acting as sort of human amplifiers. Mere words can't adequately portray how retarded this looks and sounds. Made note to purchase a Mr. Microphone and extra batteries for the camp.

12:02 PM - Took new friend Jasmine to Fridays for peach margaritas and hot wings, then back to my place for cough syrup, wine coolers, and  some intensive massage therapy.

4:45 PM - Awoke after having terrifying dreams of being a Japanese bedbug running through a choking forest of hair just ahead of a raging tsunami of sweat. I was relieved to find that I had just been sleeping with my face buried in Jasmine's armpit. Made mental note to cut back on the cough syrup, and buy some dental floss.

5:30 PM - After dragging a sluggish Jasmine behind the tent next to Moondust, I felt the urge to drum. At the drum circle area I was horrified to find that some filthy hippie bastard had stolen my new drum kit. I flew into a blind rage when I saw one skinny kid playing my snare drum, and I pummeled him with somebody's "MAKE LOVE NOT WAR" sign until it splintered. A group of people dragged me back to my tent while lecturing me on non-violence, and I manged to kick two of them in the nuts before they left. I'm really starting to hate these people.

6:12 PM - Took new friend "Starr" to Outback Steakhouse for Bloomin' Onions and double screwdrivers. As I watched Starr stuff her cold sore-adorned gaping pie-hole with delicious deep-fried onions, I reflected on how today's traumatic physical altercation, the series of thefts of my personal property, and my numerous failed interpersonal relationships at the park had taken its toll on my happiness. I knew I wouldn't last the week with these clueless pinheads, and I made mental preparations for an early departure.

7:45 PM - Back at my place I found someone had stolen my blender and new La-Z-Boy recliner. Damned hippie bastards. I calmed myself with a toaster-sized brick of hash and a big bottle of Captain Morgan, while Starr stumbled about in a provocative, drunken striptease to the spastic beats of the drum circle outside.

10:12 PM - I will forever be haunted by the sight of Starr thrashing around, swinging my wrought iron table lamp caught on her belly button chain piercing like a wrecking ball. In my stupor she looked like Godzilla with boobs having an epileptic seizure, but instead of destroying Tokyo, she was destroying my  new living room furniture. Starr eventually tumbled through the front tent flap and I was finally able to get some sleep, but not before making a note to buy a new lamp. End of day 4.

 

Guy from Texas, Jasmine

Undercover At Occupy Wall Street - Day 3

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - I am undercover this week with the Occupy Wall Street protesters, reporting from Zuccotti Park in Manhattan.

Day 3 - Tuesday October 25, 2011.

11:30 PM - Woke up and said bye to Mandy/Misty. She didn't want to leave, but I need my space. Somebody apparently stole my generator so I couldn't make coffee or toast my Pop Tarts. That's nice. I decide to go to IHOP for some Rooty Tooti Fresh 'N Fruity.

12:45 - The music store delivered my drums, so I sat in with the drum circle for a few sets until they asked me to leave. Where's the love? Smoked some bud then took a nap with new friend Lashonda (sp?).

2:47 PM - Joined my friends in making new protest signs while smoking some tasty bud my new friend Gina (Gia?) provided. Afterward, we all decided to take our signs and march to the big Wall Street bull statue where we intended to douse it with lighter fluid and set it on fire while chanting. Once there, Gia (Jeanie?) and I jumped the barricade and hopped up on the bull for the news cameras.

5:00 PM - Finally released from the hospital. Outside of losing my eyebrows, my burns luckily weren't bad - thank God I ducked behind Gia when that stoned retard cut loose with the flaming lighter fluid. Back at the camp my friends and I prayed for Jenny's recovery while dividing up her stuff and smoking the rest of her delicious herb.

6:02 - Gina's sister Moondust (not her real name I don't think) and I do some angel dust, airplane glue, and Bailey's Irish Cream as we reflect upon Gia's rich life.

8:38 PM - Woke up in the bra department at Macy's wearing a sun dress and pantyhose. Caught a ride back to Zuccotti Park with a fat Indian guy who kept trying to touch me.

9:00 PM - Discover someone has stolen my brand new Weber gas grill right off the patio - bastards! Found Moondust in the park dumpster and after wiping her off, we go back to my place for drinks and to watch Dancing With the Stars I'd TiVoed earlier.

9:08 PM - Find out that some filthy bastard has stolen my new 65" Samsung flatscreen, so we just do some bong hits then decide to turn in early, as this protesting is extremely tiring business. Made note to buy home security system and some of those moist towelettes. End of day three.

 

Sitting in with the drum circle

Gia (Gina?) before the unfortunate lighter fluid incident

 

Undercover At Occupy Wall Street - Day 2

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - I am undercover this week with the Occupy Wall Street protesters, reporting from Zuccotti Park in Manhattan.

Day 2 - Monday October 24, 2011.

11:45 AM - Woke up and said bye to my new friend Andrea. In lieu of shower, used up entire bottle of waterless antibacterial hand cleaner. Stinging in some areas is almost unbearable.

11:46 AM - Received a ticket for urinating on a Japanese tourist. Called and ordered a porta-potty.

12:14 PM - Got to my tent just in time to meet the furniture delivery guys. The furniture really makes my tent a home but the sectional couch is too big, so I sold the middle piece to the communists next door for some bud and a tambourine.

1:15 PM - After lunch at Applebees, went back to camp and drank beer and smoked bud with a couple of college students from Vermont, then joined them in taunting people walking by that looked rich.

1:18 PM - Received a minor concussion. A nice girl wearing nothing but blue body paint and Crocs helped me back to my pad and gave me some pain killers and physical therapy. Made a mental note to order a hot tub, some baby oil, and Lysol disinfectant.

4:34 PM - After recovery period said goodbye to my new friend. Made note to get new sheets as it looks like a Smurf exploded in my bed. Porta-potty arrived, but I had to put it inside, as my new friends all kept trying to use it.

7:30 - After crab leg feast at Red Lobster, fellow protester Roxanne and myself went back to camp and hung out with some union guys. We did lines of coke and drank tequila shooters while discussing how much we hate rich people and Republicans. The union guys were all named Tony and wore designer jeans, Tommy Bahama shirts, and about 35 lbs. of gold rope chain each. When the tequila was gone, they took Roxanne and went home.

11.20 PM - After doing some mushrooms and cough syrup with the anarchists who live behind me, I retired to my tent with new friend Misty or Mandy. Made note to purchase more antibacterial hand cleaner and Febreze. End of day 2.

 

Inside my tent at Zuccotti Park

 

Undercover At Occupy Wall Street

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - In order to truly understand what the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters are experiencing, I have gone undercover and joined them at their Zuccotti Park camp in Manhattan this week.

As a well known public figure, I disguised my physical appearance and clothing to blend in with the protesters.

Day 1 - Sunday October 23, 2011.

8:22 AM - Arrived at Zuccotti Park. I paid several new friends $20 each to erect the tent that will be my home for the next week. I had to move some apparently abandoned tents that were in the way. Smoked some good bud with my new friend Lisa.

9:12 AM - I apologized and paid for some tents that I accidentally threw away because I thought they were abandoned. Smoked some good bud with the former tent owners.

10:56 AM - Lisa and I went shopping for some furniture.

1:32 PM - After a lunch at Applebees, Lisa and I joined our fellow protesters in making some new protest signs and talking about how much we hate rich people. Some hippy guy noticed my Diamond Rolex, but I cleverly explained that it was a gift from PETA for saving some baby seals. Smoked some good bud with him.

1:38 PM - I took a nap with new friend Jennifer. She's from New Jersey but doesn't know Snooki.

8:35 PM - After taking some of my new friends to Olive Garden, we came back to camp where they invited me to join their drum circle. I rented some bongos from a nice guy named Oscar, and made a note to buy my own drums tomorrow. Smoked some good hashish and drank wine.

10:23 PM - Got a ticket for urinating on the side of a city bus.

10:48 PM - Went to bed at new friend Andrea's tent since my bed hasn't been delivered yet. Made note to get STD checkup next week. End of day one.

 

My new friends hang out in front of my tent in Zuccotti Park

 

News News News!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Only the biggest stories, just the way you like them - hairy, hard, and fast.

With Gaddafi gone, Libya Moves To Democracy

That this over-hyped mob of clueless pinheads in little pickup trucks is going to set up anything but your basic hardline Muslim theocracy, is little more than a Western fantasy. See Egypt for a clue as to what our billion bucks is going to get us.

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UN Human Rights Group Demands Inquiry Into Killing Of Gaddafi

Here, let me save you pinheads some time. About a zillion over-amped, blood-lust-intoxicated goat farmers with automatic weapons take custody of their worst enemy, after chasing him all summer across that fetid cat-box they call a country. One minute he's alive, the next his mangled body turns up with more holes than a New York Times investigative report. THEY KILLED HIM. Next world problem.

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Obama Administration Gives $500M Loan To Build Cars In Finland

Holy Pope-on-a-rope, my town doesn't have enough money to pick up dead animals in the streets, but Barry's got hundreds of millions to give Euro-trash socialists to build ugly cars? Are you freaking kidding me? I'm sure Al Gore's heavy stake in this company had nothing to do with this brilliant decision. Ahem.

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Lindsay Lohan In Trouble!

Finally, some important news! It seems Lindsay didn't perform the community service sentenced by the judge in her last conviction, and she may have to go to jail again. Tears soak my keyboard as I type this. I can't go o

 

Gaddafi and Lohan in happier times

 

EXCLUSIVE: Gaddafi Death Photo

SIRTE, Libya (BHN) - Muammar Gaddafi was killed Thursday when rebel fighters overran his hometown and final bastion, Sirte.

Below is the exclusive first photo of the deceased leader.

First Lady To Ask $10K Photo Fee

WASHINGTON (BHN) - First Lady Michelle Obama has announced that anyone wanting her photograph at an upcoming fundraiser will have to pay thousands of dollars for the privilege.

Obama will visit Chicago next week to attend a fundraiser with Mayor Rahm Emanuel at Plumber's Hall, where she will charge $10,000 for a photograph of herself with up to six family members.

Individuals not wishing to be photographed with the First Lady will be charged $20,000.

My comments: I'd pay the $20K in a heartbeat!

 

"Ka-ching!"

Chavez "Terminal"

Caracas (BHN) - Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's condition is much worse than previously thought, according to his former doctor.

Salvador Helodoli, his former personal surgeon, told Mexican newspaper El Newspapero on Sunday that Chavez's condition is, in fact, terminal. "I'm afraid President Chavez is terminally retarded. He's an absolute moron, and not getting any better."

Individuals close to Chavez have long been aware of the leader's condition, and publicized speeches like the one given at the United Nations several years ago have allowed outsiders a glimpse of the dire nature of the leader's affliction.

The good news is that it appears Chavez and especially those around him will soon feel relief, as he is reportedly dying from a fatal disease.

My comments: That's too bad. I knew he was a pinhead, but had always assumed at some point he'd wise up -

"Terminally retarded"

Obama Increases Support For Protesters

WASHINGTON (BHN) -The Obama administration is stepping up its support for the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters and other groups both here and abroad demonstrating against capitalism.

White House spokesman Josh Earnest said in a telephone call promoting an upcoming Obama campaign bus tour through the South, that the President "is fighting to make certain that the interests of 99 percent of Americans are well represented" — the first time the White House has used that term to differentiate the vast majority of Americans from the wealthy.

Wearing faded, torn jeans, Che Guevara tee shirt, sandals, and sporting a faux dreadlocks hairdo, Obama dedicated the Martin Luther King memorial at the National Mall on Sunday. He told the audience that if King were alive today, he would be with the protesters. "The only things Dr. King hated more than racism and prejudice were rich people, banks, and corporations," Obama told the cheering crowd.

My comments: It appears the entire Democratic organization is hitching its star to this motley group of lazy hippie retards. As a Republican I say that's a great strategy, please stay with it!

News News News!

 

BIG HAIRY NEWS - When fuzzy news just doesn't cut it, go big, go hairy, or go home.

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Iran Attempt To Orbit Monkey Fails

TEHRAN - Iran acknowledged Wednesday its attempt to send a live monkey into space last month was a failure.

"The mission was flawless, right up to the point where the rocket exploded like a cheap firework," Deputy Science Minister Mohammad Imwerina-Nigown was quoted as saying by the ISNA news agency.

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Mysterious Flaming Hairy Meatballs Rain Down In Syria

AL MAYADIN, SYRIA - Scientists in this remote region of Syria are investigating reports of a "shower of burning meat" that set a small house afire, and traumatized several children.

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 Nancy Pelosi Warns of Women Dying On The Floor If Abortion Funding Stopped

WASHINGTON - Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Retard-CA) warned that passing a bill that protects taxpayers from subsidizing abortions through Obamacare would result in "women dying on the floors."

Pelosi went on to decry the risk of injury small children would face in possibly tripping over the bodies.

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First Lady Bares Skin In Daring Dress

WASHINGTON - First Lady Michelle Obama, known for her keen fashion sense and style, wore a provocative formal gown to the state dinner for South Korean President Mi bawhang-lo and his wife Yoo reery-suk. The contemporary dress (below) featured an armless design and revealing midriff.

 

 

No Threat: Iran Run By Morons

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The discovery of a supposed plot by Iran to assassinate the Saudi ambassador in Washington has substantially deflated fears of that country's threat to the U.S.

The Justice Department said Tuesday that the operation was the work of the Quds Force, an elite international operations unit within Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps. Reportedly, Iran was attempting to hire a Mexican drug cartel hit man for $1.5 million. The hit man would travel to Washington, blow up a restaurant where the Saudi ambassador would be dining, as well as the Israeli and Saudi embassies.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said the moronic attempt proves there is no reason for the US to feel threatened by Iran. "They could have hired a local crack addict to shoot the Saudi for a $10 rock - I'd hardly be worried that they can make a nuclear bomb, let alone figure out how to drop it on the Jews or us."

Some questioned the timing of this announcement by Eric Holder on the eve of him being subpoenaed by Congress over the Fast and Furious gun-running debacle, especially after reports that President Obama was briefed on this case back in June.

My comments: Wow, what a clever and sophisticated plot that ultra-elite group conceived! It almost sounds like the kind of international operation that Holder would mastermind. HHhhhhmmmmm.

 

Liberal Sure Thing: Obama - Clinton

WASHINGTON (BHN) -Capitol Hill is buzzing with speculation that Vice President Biden will step aside to allow for an Obama / Hillary Clinton "dream team" ticket.

The move may be Obama's only chance to get reelected. His approval ratings continue to decline, and the latest polls indicate that over 56% of likely voters would "very much" like to see him ripped apart by wild weasels, then urinated upon by drunken, cross-dressing hobos.

On the other hand, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is relatively popular, as few in this country have had to hear her speak for the last three years.

The pairing would obviously capture the broad "skinny black guy with ugly, dumpy white woman" vote, as well as appeal to scorned man-hating, foul-mouthed feminists - just what the Democrats need to energize their base.

My comments: Clueless arrogant retard + Godless shrill eyesore = Democratic nirvana

 

Match made in liberal heaven?

Paper: Wall Street Camp Protesters Seeking Drugs, Sex, Free Publicity

NEW YORK CITY (BHN) - The Mail Online is reporting that that the "Occupy Wall Street" camp at Zuccotti Park is infested with individuals seeking sex, drugs, free publicity, or a combination of all three.

The article describes the event as more party than protest, with hundreds of dirty, smelly individuals humping and getting high amid piles of rotting garbage.The park and surrounding area is reported to "reek of marijuana smoke, urine, cheap wine, Patchouli, Astroglide, and desperation."

A daily stream of celebrities exit their limousines down the block and make their appearance at the park, dressed in their shabbiest clothes. Recent visitors include Michael Moore, Kanya West, Al Sharpton, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, and AFL-CIO president Richard Trumka. The report didn't specify what vice drew each celebrity to the park.

My comments: Moore undoubtedly came for the free food, Sarandon and Robbins for the drugs and their usual desperate need for publicity, Sharpton and Tumka because they had to, and West because he had nothing better to do.

Rev. Al Sharpton at Wall Street protest

Cain Going Postal On Hippie/Union Protesters

NEW YORK CITY (BHN) Presidential candidate Herman Cain stepped up his criticism of the protesters camping out on Wall Street.

Speaking on CBS's Meet the Press, he referred to the "Occupy Wall Street" crowd as "jealous, filthy hippies and lazy union slugs playing the victim card.”

The fiery candidate also promised to confront the protesters the next time he passes through New York, if they are still there. "I'll kick the lazy out of those ignorant spoiled little bastards, and then I'll go after the hippies. Don't think for a second I won't," he said.

One individual claiming to be a spokesperson for the protesters called Cain's remarks "really hurtful, but for some spare change we could look past it."

My comments: I'm liking Cain more and more. Kick some lazy liberal hippy ass, Herman!