World News Bureau

Obama Launches Help / Chat Hotline For Illegals

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Obama administration on Thursday launched a new free hotline for illegal immigrants being detained by authorities.

The hotline, run by the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency, is available 24/7 for detained individuals to phone if they think they may have "had their civil rights infringed upon, or in any way been disrepected."

The special number will also offer free chat lines, weather reports and sports, information on free goods and services, and phone sex in several different languages for adults.

A spokesperson for ICE said the hotline "is to give illegal immigrants the same right to legal help, social interaction, and information as everyone else."

My comments: Damn, I have to pay for all those things! 

Chavez Wonders If U.S. Gave Him Cancer, Stupidity

CARACAS, Venezuela (BHN) - Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is questioning whether the United States may have given him, as well as some fellow leaders in the region, cancer and other disorders.

Chavez, who accidentally lost his penis during surgery in Cuba to remove a pelvic tumor, said in a recent address to the military, "It’s very difficult to explain what has been happening to some of us in Latin America. What could suddenly give us cancer, or make me a bumbling retard? I was real smart when I was younger."

Thomas Mittnacht, press director at the U.S. embassy in Caracas, when reached by telephone said that Chavez was "born stupid," and the cancer was "simply an act of God, not the United States government."

My comments: I'm surprised Hugo didn't blame us for making him fat and ugly, also!

 

Hugo Chavez (file photo)

 

Dear Leader's Funeral

PYONGYANG, DPRK (BHN) - Massive crowds of stylishly-thin citizens endured freezing temperatures to bid farewell to former North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il.

Reportedly thousands of people were enlisted to clear snow from the 40km funeral procession route, with dozens more enlisted to clear bodies of many of the snow removers. 

Jong Il's Hennessy cognac-embalmed body was carried in a casket tied to the roof of a 1975 Lincoln Continental limousine, a testament to the incredible progress made under his keen leadership. Youngest son and successor, Kim Jung Un, solemnly walked beside the limo, eating what appeared to be a burrito.

The funeral is scheduled to last three days, after which the country will go back to "hanging out" and looking for something to eat.

My comments: Gosh, I hope the death of that Godless little troll doesn't stunt North Korea's progress! I do know one thing, this is a massive reprieve for fat lobsters everywhere - fortunately this offsets the overwhelming sorrow I feel for Kim's passing :)

Pelosi Doing "Occupy" Protest In Hawaii

HAWAII (BHN) - 

Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Retard-CA) is defending her stay in a $10K a night suite at the exotic Four Seasons Resort Hualalai as an "occupy-style" protest of the wealthiest 1% of Americans.

Pelosi's attempt at secretly staying (for at least the third time) at the ultra-expensive resort was thwarted by publicized photos showing her relaxing poolside at the property.

Shortly thereafter, Mrs. Pelosi reportedly had a small tent erected inside her suite's main living room, where she spends several minutes each afternoon making protest signs and banging on a bongo.

"I'm here to make a statement to the wealthiest 1%," the wildly-blinking Pelosi told reporters, "that people are out of work because of you, and it's time you gave back. I'm not leaving here until we're all at the same level of poverty."

My comments: Something tells me Pelosi's half-naked frame poolside is punishment enough for the wealthy staying at that joint!

 

Nancy Pelosi "occupies" the Four Seasons Resort Hualalai

 

Iran Taunts U.S. Ships

TEHRAN (BHN) - Iran is taunting U.S. warships as part of their naval drill in the Strait of Hormuz.

The exercises, dubbed "Velayat 90" (Persian word for "supremacy") is being staged as a warning to western powers that Iran's navy can easily close the Strait in the event of an attack.

"The Iranians are definitely provoking us," a Pentagon spokesman said. "We have reports of three "mooning" and two "flipping the bird" incidents from small Iranian vessels within sight of our ships. At this point, we're electing to not retaliate, but are monitoring the situation closely."

Iranian navy chief Admiral Ihabirag Onmihed said the drill is to display their defensive capabilities while being as offensive as possible.

My comments: No doubt our fleet is cowering in fear at the awesome might of the Iranian navy!

 

 

No Palace For A King

BETHLEHEM

What did I think I'd find? Maybe an ornate throne set in a gleaming palace. Surely, at the very least, a large house with many rooms filled with fine furnishings.

As I traveled, I tried to imagine the trappings of a palace, how large the rooms would be, the fine cloth on the furniture, the weave of the carpets. I could see in my mind the servants lined up ten deep, all waiting to fulfill the slightest need. The air inside would smell like fragrant incense and flowers. As I shivered in the cold, I kept thinking how warm the room was going to feel and how I would thaw my hands next to the cedar logs blazing in the great fireplace. I could almost hear the crackling of the fire and see its patterns dancing on the walls.

In the dead of night, a man whose robes were bright as lightning visited me in the field and invited me to behold a king just arrived, whose presence was marked by a shimmering star hanging from the heavens. I left my flocks and followed this star a great distance to where I stand now.

There is no palace. There are no servants and no fireplace. Just a rundown stable filled with a few animals and several people gazing upon an infant resting in a dirty manger. Royalty resides in a stable? This tiny child will rule the civilizations of the world?

I came seeking a powerful ruler with a palace and riches, but what I discovered wasn't greatness as measured by man.

I found the glory of God among us, and his name is Immanuel.                                           

"For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:5)

Merry Christmas to all 

 

Obama Christmas Photo

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The White House released the First Family's 2011 Christmas photo, below.

 

Jimmy Carter Mourns Kim Jong-Il

PYONYANG, DPRK (BHN) - Former president Jimmy Carter joined distraught North Koreans at a Pyongyang memorial Wednesday to mourn the passing of Kim Jong-Il.

Carter has visited North Korea before, including once when he brokered a deal with Jong-Il to dismantle his nuclear weapons program in exchange for two nuclear reactors, food, oil, a new Lincoln Town Car, and a lifetime subscription to Penthouse. The North Koreans reneged on the deal after receiving their payoff.

When asked about Kim's history of lying to the US, starving millions of his own people to death, imprisoning thousands in labor camps, attacking his neighbor, etc., Carter said the acts were merely "designed to remind the world that they deserve respect in negotiations that will shape their future."

My comments: Over the years Carter has really honed his skills at glorifying the world's most despicable tyrants. Second. Worst. President. EVER.

Mourning Dear Leader

Big Hairy News would like to join the people of North Korea in mourning the passing of "Dear Leader" Kim Jong-Il.

Exclusive death photo here.

 

The body of Kim Jong-Il lies in state in Pyongyang

Frank Flaunts Sweater Puppies

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Outgoing Rep. Barney Frank (Retard-Mass.) was the center of attention on the House floor Monday afternoon as he wore his jacket as a cape, a shear shirt, and a sling due to a recent operation on his thumb.

Frank's revealing shirt showed why he's popular with straight men, as well as gays.

The outgoing congressman said his recent attire was due to surgery he had on a ligament in his thumb, but photos indicate he may have also had a breast lift.

My comments: I think I may have been guilty in the past of underestimating the size of Frank's talents!

 

Exclusive! Kim Jong-Il Death Photo

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il reportedly died on Saturday.

In a "special broadcast" Monday from the North Korean capital, state media said the longtime ruler died of a heart ailment due to a "great mental and physical strain" on Dec. 17 during a "high intensity field inspection." 

Through our exclusive sources, we have obtained a photo of Kim Jong-Il taken shortly after his death:

 

 

News News News!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Fast news served fresh - Now with 15% less snark!

 

Christopher Hitchens Dead

HOUSTON - Celebrated intellectual, author, film critic, and renowned atheist Christopher Hitchens is dead at the age of 62. Unfortunately Hitchens wasn't intelligent enough to accept his creator's extended grace. A brilliant fool who worked tirelessly to drag other fools into the darkness. So sad.

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Obamas Again Take Separate Jets To Vacation

WASHINGTON - Despite "White House Executive Order 13589 - Promoting Efficient Spending," issued just last month, First Lady Michelle yet again elected to not wait for her husband to accompany her and the kids to Hawaii for vacation. The cost of her flight, motorcades, security, etc. is estimated to be around a million dollars or so. Barry will spend that much again when he joins her soon.

The arrogance this pin-headed limousine liberal displays would be shocking in a good economy, in our country's present bankrupt state it is nothing short of criminal. Nice.

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Justice Department Comes Down On Sheriff Joe

WASHINGTON - The Obama Justice Department has charged Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio with violating federal law for treating illegal immigrants as criminals, instead of nurturing them as potential Democrat voters who just happen to have committed felonies. Janet Napolitano announced her department will punish the Arizonans who voted for Arpaio by no longer sharing federal criminal information on illegals with the Maricopa County's Sheriff Department.

Another home run by the indescribably-retarded Eric Holder and his gender-neutral counterpart, Janet Napolitano. Stupid never rests.

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Madonna To Kick Off Comeback With Superbowl Show

INDIANAPOLIS - 53-year-old singer, actress *cough cough*, Godless bony skank, and legendary slut Madonna is kicking off her 22nd comeback with a new CD and Superbowl halftime performance. Her upcoming single "Gimme All Your Luvin" will be released like a diseased turd just prior to the Superbowl.

 

Obama Gives Speech At Ft. Bragg, Survives

FORT BRAGG, NC (BHN) - A triumphant Commander in Chief Barack Obama proclaimed the Iraq war "won" to troops forced to gather at Fort Bragg.

The speech comes nine years after one he gave as a Senator where he called the Iraq war "dumb," and bragged about his opposition to it "since the beginning." 

Tight security and military professionalism allowed the President to give his speech and exit without being attacked or killed by the soldiers, most of whom can smell the enemy a mile away.

My comments: To be taking orders from an anti-military/socialist/pacifist coward like Barry has got to be almost unbearable for these warriors - 

 

Iran Unveils Reverse-Engineered Drone

TEHRAN (BHN) - Iran displayed their newest weapon Wednesday - a stealth drone reverse-engineered from the American drone downed just last week. The speed at which Iran duplicated the sophisticated aircraft shows how far they have advanced technologically.

"Our greatest scientists have been working nonstop on examining the American craft. We discovered it was very crude by our standards, so we made numerous improvements. Ours is far superior in every way," a military spokesman told reporters.

US defense experts are studying video of the new drone, in an attempt to classify its abilities.

Meanwhile, President Obama again asked Iran to return the downed American drone, this time offering $200 million, free tickets to a Broadway play, and "racy" photos of the First Lady.

My comments: Coming from a country whose idea of a battle tank is a 1982 Toyota pickup with a machine gun, I wouldn't be too worried about this thing -  

 

Wasserman Schultz: "Unemployment Not Up Under Obama"

NEW YORK (BHN) - DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz argued during a TV interview that unemployment has not gone up during the Obama presidency.

After FOX New's Gretchen Carlson made a comment that unemployment has gone up since Obama took office (it was 7.8%), Wasserman Schultz vehemently disagreed, claiming "That's simply not true, unemployment has now dropped below 9%..."

Carlson mercifully cut her off before she could embarrass herself further on national TV, but Wasserman Schultz doubled down, actually lecturing Carlson and distinguishing herself as possibly the most retarded chair of any major organization in the history of the civilized world.

The unemployment rate has, in fact, increased by as much as 23% since Barack Obama took office.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, this woman makes Nancy Pelosi look like a Rhodes Scholar!

 

Campaign Time: Obamas Go To Church

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama shifted his campaign into high gear Sunday when he and his family attended church. It was the first time they have been near a church since last April.

The First Family later attended a star-studded Christmas concert where the President gave a stirring soliloquy on the Christian faith:

"Just over 2000 years ago, God manifested His love for us by sending His Prophet Jesus to fill our hearts and inspire our lives. Jesus taught us to love one another and despise the wealthy, to support the less fortunate, and to forgive others even as the Jews were murdering Him. These values aren’t just at the center of Christianity, they are values that are shared by real faiths."

My comments: It must be election time, Obama's invoking the name of Jesus again! There's really no need, as we already know Barry's a devout follower by the way he tirelessly fights to promote homosexuality, abortion, stealing other people's earnings, and equivocating Christianity to the antichrist religion of Islam (and others) - 

 

Obamas Light, Decorate Christmas Menorah

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Obamas celebrated Hanukkah on Thursday in front of a group of invited Jewish supporters and staff. When asked why the holiday was being observed so early, a White House staffer said the Obamas didn't want open flames around the 37 White House Christmas trees two weeks from now.

In the ceremony televised live from the White House, the Obamas and Bidens were shown decorating, lighting, and placing presents under a Menorah. Afterward, Vice President Biden sang a stirring rendition of "Silent Night." 

Later, the somber mood turned festive when a clearly-tipsy Biden hilariously placed Menorah candles in his ears and nose and made faces for the children in attendance. A good time was had by all.

My comments: Looks like Barry's going all out to recapture the Jewish vote, but maybe next time he should leave Biden at home! 

 

White House Calls Ft. Hood Massacre "Office Boo Boo"

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Obama administration's classification of the massacre at Fort Hood as a simple workplace mistake has enraged lawmakers and the public.

The mass shooting by an Islamic jihadist employed at the base and taking orders from terrorist cleric Anwar al-Awlaki is being called "an office boo boo" by the Defense Department. 

A spokesman defended the classification: "Look, we had a worker that disagreed with his co-workers about religion and stuff. He lost his temper at the office and made the mistake of killing them. A mistake, a boo boo. It was an office boo boo."

Sen. Susan Collins on Wednesday blasted the Defense Department for the classification, calling them "gutless pussies cowering behind political correctness."

My comments: A "boo boo" is mistakenly electing a Godless, lying, socialist narcissist to our nation's highest office. What happened at Ft. Hood was a terrorist attack by an Islamic jihadist motivated by the tenets of an antichrist religion.

 

Dems Pushing To Make Sodomy, Bestiality Legal In Military

WASHINGTON (BHN) - As part of the continuing effort by the Obama administration to normalize homosexuality in the U.S. military, Democrat senators have been working on eliminating obstacles such as the Uniform Code of Military Justice that states sodomy is illegal.

Toward that end, the Senate has agreed to repeal Article 125 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, which makes it illegal to engage in both "sodomy with humans and sex with animals."

While the bill will face stiff resistance in the House, Rep. Barney Frank (Retard-Mass) says he will lobby hard to get it passed, proclaiming to reporters, "I'm going to grease it up and ram it home with everything I've got."

My comments: If allowing our troops to bugger assorted animals and each other makes them a more effective fighting force, I say why not?

 

Obama Blames Internet For Lack Of Jobs

OSAWATOMIE, Kansas (BHN) - President Barack Obama blamed the internet Tuesday for the absence of jobs in this country. He made the comments at a campaign stop in Kansas.

"While my administration has done an incredible job of turning around the recession we inherited," the President said, "the internet has been unrelenting in its efforts to make jobs almost totally unavailable."

The President's remarks garnered modest applause among the twenty to thirty individuals gathered, but many of the one hundred-plus members of the media covering the event gave the address high marks.

My comments: I had a feeling all along that it was the interweb and not Barry's policies that's screwed up the economy!