World News Bureau

Newt Channeling Ronald Reagan

SARASOTA, Florida (BHN) - Presidential nominee candidate Newt Gingrich was sporting a new look when he appeared Monday night at a Florida campaign stop.

Gone is the grey hair and stodgy business suit, replaced with swept auburn locks, and western shirt, jeans, boots, and Stetson hat.

"From now on, my nickname is 'The Gripper,' as I have the firmest grip on the issues that are plaguing this country," Gingrich told the large crowd of enthusiastic supporters. 

Gingrich's campaigned denied accusations that they are attempting to portray their candidate as being identical to Reagan, noting in a statement that the former president "just played a cowboy in movies."

My comments: Republicans, I think we've found our candidate! Or maybe not. Hell, I dunno...

 

The "Gripper?"

Allen West For President

WEST PALM BEACH, Florida (BHN) - Rep. Allen West created an intense longing in conservatives for him to run for president, and abject disdain from liberals because of his comments directed at President Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and DNC head Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, at the recent Palm Beach County Republican Party Lincoln Day dinner: 

"Take your message of equality of achievement, take your message of economic dependency, take your message of enslaving the entrepreneurial will and spirit of the American people somewhere else. You can take it to Europe, you can take it to the bottom of the sea, you can take it to the North Pole, but get the hell out of the United States of America."

Video link HERE

My comments: The story title says it all.

 

Allen West's Lincoln Day message to Obama, Reid, Pelosi, and Wasserman-Schultz

News News News!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - "If you like your news small, soft, and smooth, don't come here."

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Obama Exaggerates Number, Frequency of Mistakes

President Obama said recently in an interview, "I make a mistake every hour, every day."

One doesn't need to be a Rhodes Scholar to know that Barry's exaggerating like crazy - he's obviously making more than one mistake far more often than that. 

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Madonna Under Stress 

Madonna (the Godless, talentless, bony skank, not the mother of our Lord) said in a recent interview that the simultaneous release of her latest incredibly awful movie, "W.E.," new fragrance "Stank," new record featuring the single "Gimmee All Your Luvin" (presumably followed by a shot of penicillin for you), and her upcoming embarrassingly awful halftime performance at the Superbowl is causing her stress. 

Trust me, not nearly as much as it's causing us, sister :(

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The President Unveils His Economic Blueprint

Apparently channeling Nancy Pelosi with a traumatic head injury, Barry told a Las Vegas campaign stop audience: 

"On Tuesday at the State of the Union, I laid out my vision for how we move forward. I laid out a blueprint for an economy that's built to last, that has a firm foundation. Where we're making stuff and selling stuff and moving it around and UPS drivers are dropping things off everywhere."

Frankly, there's nothing I could add or change to make that statement any more retarded. Yeah, that's the guy I want to lead our country into an enlightened age of economic prosperity - 

 

 

President "Emotional" After AZ Verbal Beat-down

PHOENIX (BHN) - President Obama was left choking back tears Wednesday after being verbally pummeled by feisty Arizona Governor Jan Brewer.

The confrontation occurred as the President met Brewer upon arriving in Phoenix. Obama reportedly attacked the elderly governor over unfavorable comments she made about him in her book, "Eating Scorpions For Breakfast." Photos show Brewer angrily reacting to the unexpected attack by threatening Obama and poking a finger in his face.

"I told him, 'one more word and I'm going to kick your scrawny commie ass,'" Brewer later told an aide. "He's  a little p*ssy - I would have beat him like a bongo."

Obama was clearly emotional after the exchange, at one point wiping tears from his eyes as he was overheard telling one of his Secret Service bodyguards to "kill that b*tch if she tries to hurt me."

My comments: That would have been a good fight, I'm pretty sure Brewer would have taken him!

 

 

President Reaches Out To Retards

WASHINGTON (BHN) - According to an article in Wednesday's Politico, President Obama's 2012 State of the Union address again rated at barely an 8th grade comprehension level on the Flesch-Kincaid readability test — the third lowest score of any State of the Union address since 1934.

An analysis of the last 70 State of the Union addresses by the University of Minnesota found that President Obama's three addresses have the lowest grade average of any modern president.

"Obama is clearly attempting to communicate with his base - welfare queens, crackheads, illiterate pinheads, and retards in general," said one professor who participated in the study.

My comments:  I guess Barry knows his audience. Nice.

 

Iran Threatening Submarine Attacks

TEHRAN (BHN) - High-ranking Iranian military officials have issued a warning that their submarines "can ambush and destroy enemy vessels and especially U.S. aircraft carriers" should they return to the Persian Gulf - even as U.S. ships and carriers were re-entering the Gulf.

Rear Adm. Buht-Blancat Bengoh, of the Iranian army’s self-sufficiency jihad, claimed that the United States is especially focused on Iran’s “astonishing subsurface capabilities.”

“It would be the worst threat to the enemy,” Buht-Blancat said, “especially since Iranian submarines are noiseless and can easily evade detection."

Iranian submarines are exceptionally quiet as they have no motors, being towed to a shallow spot where they are sunk in the hope an enemy ship will run into them.

My comments: Is there any end to the number of advanced and deadly weapons our foe wields?

 

Iranian submarine being towed to attack position

 

Obama Celebrates 39 Years of Mass Murder

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Barack Obama today joined fellow liberals in celebrating the 39th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, and the resulting slaughter of 56 million children.

"As we joyously celebrate this anniversary," said Obama, "I remain committed to protecting a woman’s fundamental constitutional right to rip her little boy or girl's body limb from limb while sucking the offending parasite into a bio-hazard bucket." 

He continued, "And as we remember this historic anniversary, we must also continue our efforts to ensure that our daughters have the same rights, freedoms, and opportunities as our sons to fulfill their dreams of killing things.”

The President then shared a cake adorned with candy aborted fetuses with executives of Planned Parenthood and NARAL Pro-Choice America.

My comments: That cake looks delicious! Good times :)

 

President Obama serves cake commemorating Roe vs. Wade

Democrats Flocking To Gingrich

 BIG HAIRY NEWS - Latest poll results show that Democrat voters are flocking to support Republican Newt Gingrich, after allegations by his angry ex-wife that he is an immoral sex addict and serial adulterer.

"All I know is I can really relate to this guy," said longtime Democratic voter Kip Fresner. "I guess he shares my core values and also reminds me of Bill Clinton - I loved that guy."

The Gingrich campaign was initially caught by surprise by the unexpected influx of support from Democrats, but is now releasing photos of the candidate with various anonymous women, and quietly planting stories on-line of Newt's sleazy sexual encounters.

The Romney campaign is reportedly very concerned that Gingrich may also claim to be gay, thus capturing even more former Democrat voters.

My comments: I think Newt has found the formula for success. Nice!

 

 

First Lady Celebrates Birthday At Steakhouse

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Michelle Obama celebrated her 48th birthday Tuesday night with her husband and friends at a D.C. steakhouse. 

The First Lady reportedly enjoyed a tender young calf for dinner, followed by a specially-prepared red velvet cake for desert. 

My comments: Apparently the Wookie is on another diet!

 

Michelle Obama enjoys a tasty calf for her birthday

Gingrich - President's Visit To Disney World "Homecoming"

 

ORLANDO (BHN) - In what is described by conservatives as a "homecoming," President Barack Obama will be campaigning at Disney World Thursday.

"By now it's painfully obvious he's a Mickey Mouse president," a laughing Newt Gingrich joked to reporters. "The fact he' s also f*cking Goofy pretty well guarantees you'll find Barry at Disney World."

White House Press Secretary called Gingrich's remarks "tasteless," and quipped that Obama "prefers his big mutts to be female."

My comments: That Newt is a funny guy!

 

 

Newsweek-Obama Bromance Heats Up

BIG HAIRY NEWS - The latest issue of Newsweek takes the floundering publication's torrid love affair with Barack Obama to the next level. The cover features a photo of the President with the headline: “Why are Obama’s critics so dumb?”

While many conservative blogs are bristling at the insinuation that critics of Obama are less that intelligent, others point to the cover photo showing Obama with a snotty nose and juice box as a compelling argument that he's no genius, either.

My comments: If there's ever a Special Olympics for world leaders, I think we have an entrant!

 

Happy SVN Day!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Today, January 16, marks the birthday of a well-known and much beloved public figure.

While his accomplishments are notable, what this man has not done is even more so:

• He never plagiarized his doctoral thesis and numerous other academic and public writings. 
• He was never associated with the American Communist Party, nor privately described himself as a Marxist. 
• He was never a serial philanderer, ardent whore-monger, or abuser of women. 

The man whose birthday we are celebrating today is, of course, Big Hairy News founder and Editor in Chief Scooter Van Neuter.

Van Neuter achieved fame early in his career with his famous "I Have To Scream" speech he gave at Wichita State University in 1965. An excerpt: 

"I have to scream when I hear those immoral holders of the public trust, our liberal politicians, pushing their agenda of abortion and sexual perversion.

I have to scream when I see the left nurture sloth and disengagement with their vote-buying social welfare programs.

I have to scream when I see generation after generation of progressives and Democrats appease and coddle those who wish to destroy us, always to the peril of our security and that of our allies....."

Those words still hold true today. We join conservatives everywhere in wishing Scooter a very happy birthday!

 My comments: Wow, (*sniff sniff*) I had no idea! Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it!

 

Scooter Van Neuter gives his famous "I Have To Scream" speech

 

Urinating Troops: Obama Administration Outraged, Taliban Indifferent

BIG HAIRY NEWS - The recently released video showing several U.S. troops urinating on three dead Taliban soldiers has created a firestorm of condemnation - from the Obama administration.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta telephoned Afghan President Hamid Karzai to profusely apologize and pledge that U.S. military personal will no longer be allowed to urinate in his country.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and the White House also expressed remorse. "These uncivilized barbarians will be identified and punished for the disrespect they showed the brave freedom fighters," she said. "If we could, both President Obama and myself would gladly urinate on these infidels, in an attempt to reverse this grievous wrong."

When shown the video a Taliban spokesman said, "Who cares, they're dead. You should see what we do to you guys."

My comments: It's a sad day when you have to go to the freaking Taliban for clarity... 

 

Panetta: No more urinating in Afghanistan. Clinton: President and I would urinate on offending troops

Rosie O'Donnell Criticized For Killing, Eating Shark

MIAMI BEACH (BHN) - Rosie O'Donnell is catching abuse from environmentalists, after photos were posted showing her eating a hammerhead shark she had just caught.

"This is basically an endorsement. It sends the message that it's OK for fat dykes to kill and eat these endangered creatures," said Erik Brush, a Sarasota marine conservationist. "Maybe someday a Japanese whaling vessel will come upon Rosie swimming - let's see how she likes it."

My comments: It takes real balls to kill and eat sharks that size, and Rosie's got them!

 

Rosie O'Donnell eats hammerhead shark she just caught

 

First Lady Michelle Angry At Being Portrayed As "Angry"

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Michelle Obama told CBS News that a recent article portraying her as "some kind of angry black woman" makes her so mad she "could kill someone."

The first lady was referring to York Times reporter Jodi Kantor's new book that characterizes her as a terrifying behind-the-scenes force in the Executive Mansion, whose strong views often draw her into conflict with President Barack Obama's top advisers.

When pressed about the allegation that she had pulled a knife on White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel more than once, the first lady unexpectedly threw a glass of water at interviewer Gayle King, barely missing her head, and stormed off the set. Mrs. Obama later returned and finished the interview.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, Gayle's lucky that crazed Wookie didn't rip her face off!

 

Girl Scouts Admitting Transgender Boys, Men

DENVER (BHN) - Girl Scouts U.S.A. has admitted to accepting boys portraying themselves as girls into scout troops.

The disturbing news recently came to light because of a 14-year-old Girl Scout's call to boycott Girl Scout cookies because the organization is using proceeds to push a radical homosexual agenda at the expense of the Scouts’ safety.

"We accept all girls in kindergarten through 12th grade as members, regardless of whether they have a penis or facial hair, or maybe look older," an unidentified Girl Scout administrator in Colorado told our reporter. "Basically anyone who says they are a girl, Girl Scouts of Colorado welcomes her as a Girl Scout."

My comments: Well that explains the six-foot bearded Girl Scout I got my cookies from this year- 

 

 

Sparks Fly As Chavez Welcomes Ahmadinejad

CARACUS (BHN) -  Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez welcomed his close friend and ally Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Sunday, despite a U.S. warning for Venezuela to avoid close ties with Iran.

The Iranian leader arrived to shore up support from the region's leftist leaders, as tough new Western sanctions aim to isolate the Islamic republic and target its vital oil exports.

Long thought to be more than just friends, upon meeting the two leaders fell into a warm embrace punctuated with several long, deep kisses that left saliva stains on Ahmadinejad's suit, and Chavez noticeably flushed.

My comments: Get a room already!

 

First Genetically Modified Monkey Born in US

PORTLAND, Oregon (BHN) - Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have successfully bred the first genetically modified monkey in the United States.

A spokesperson for the university said the unique creature lives on a diet of double cheeseburgers and chili cheese fries, and when full grown will sport a gangly frame with elongated limbs and a "huge ass."

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, somebody better kill that thing before it gets any bigger! 

 

Virginia Elementary School: Wealth Is Bad

CHARLOTTESVILLE Virginia (BHN) - The Albemarle County school system in Virginia is coming under scrutiny for making their students sing a pro-Occupy Wall Street movement song.

The song, "Part Of The 99," celebrates failure, the losing of wealth, and the resulting happiness that comes with poverty. The song was presumably written by a teacher at Woodbrook Elementary School.

For the performance of the song, the children were encouraged to wear dirty clothes, litter, pretend to smoke pot, carry protest signs, and urinate on the walls of the classroom. 

My comments: I fail to see the incentive to learn in school so one can be successful, if that success leads to unhappiness - but then again, not having attended a Virginia public school, how could I?

 

Class at Woodbrook Elementary School sings "Part Of The 99"

 

Iran Missile Drill Results Exaggerated

TEHRAN (BHN) - Investigative evidence shows that missiles launched last week during Iranian naval drills were not as impressive as originally thought.

"We are able to announce that our shore-to-sea missile systems are so powerful that we can hit any target, any time, if it's necessary" announced Ihaba Haaribhut, Iranian Navy Commander.

Digital photographic analysis of one of the missiles showed it actually to be a 1967 Chevrolet Impala with a jet engine strapped on its roof and a trunk full of dynamite. The "missile" did successfully hit its target, the ocean, approximately six miles out.

My comments: This is still not a weapon to be taken lightly - a '67 Impala has a huge trunk!