World News Bureau

Ted Turner Resurfaces

NEW YORK (BHN) - Billionaire Ted Turner is back in the limelight, thanks to a new cover story interview in a major magazine. 

In the article, Turner discusses pissing away giving billions of dollars to the United Nations, jetting between 28 residences and four girlfriends with obviously zero self esteem, missing his treasonous commie bitch former wife, Jane Fonda, and his pathetic, Godless, earth-worshipping existence life in general.

As he once did in the media, this famous a**hole atheist continues to impact today's world through his tireless support of the anti-American and hopelessly corrupt and inept United Nations, unbelievably idiotic "green" causes, and other intellectually and morally retarded liberal/progressive interests.

My comments: What a pathetic putz - still.

 

 

Farrakhan Addresses Fellow Morons

CHICAGO (BHN) - Nation of Islam leader "Minister" Louis Farrakhan addressed thousands of followers Sunday at the faux religion's annual "Saviour's Day" celebration.

During the nearly three hour rambling speech, the former calypso singer accused the United States of staging the 9/11 attacks, angrily lashed out against Israel and Jews in general, complained about the weather and mothers feeding their children Chicken McNuggets, compared Barack Obama to Abraham Lincoln, said that Bin Laden was killed because he would have been proved not guilty in a trial, and bemoaned the overthrow and killing of rumored boyfriend Moammar Gadhafi.

Experts in attendance at the United Center estimated that a small nuclear device detonated during Farrakhan's address would have "significantly" reduced the nation's welfare rolls, as well as raised the average IQ in America by almost 14 points. Unfortunately, there was no such device.

My comments: What's more bizarre - that a clueless moron like Calypso Louie could become the head of anything, or that there are thousands of gullible retards that would follow him?

 

False prophet and dictator in better days

 

Obama Launches "Beat Whitey" Campaign

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Barack Obama played the race card Friday when he publicly launched the "Afro-Americans for Obama" campaign, or as it is referred to in the White House, the "Beat Whitey" campaign.

Obama asked black churches preaching the gospel of victimization to back his reelection on the basis of their common skin pigmentation and mutual disdain for Caucasians.

In response to Obama's move, Newt Gingrich announced Monday the formation of the "Euro-Americans for Gingrich" campaign. 

My comments: How much more can Barry do to make normal non-racist people hate him?

 

Obama acts 'black' promoting his race-based church campaign

John Edwards Sex Tape Photo!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - We have obtained an exclusive photo (below) reportedly from the sex tape made by John Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter.

Hunter was declared the owner of the tape by a recent court decision, and says she intends to destroy it.

The approximately four minute tape shows Edwards pleasuring himself while looking into a mirror. A nude woman assumed to be Hunter is behind Edwards, combing and playing with his hair.

My comments: Wow, they make a really hot couple - John Edwards and himself!

 

Omamas Burned In Effigy Over Koran Incident

KABUL (BHN) - Rioting escalated throughout Afghanistan over the improper disposal of Korans at a U.S. military base.

Bagram Airbase remains on lock-down as thousands of angry Muslims continue to run around screaming, yelling, and hitting themselves over the head.

The high point of Wednesday's protest was the burning of life-like Barack and Michelle Obama effigies. Afterward the angry mob ran around screaming, yelling, and hitting themselves over the head until dinner time.

My comments: It's just like a Justin Bieber concert, only with smelly, retarded, middle-aged men. - very cool.

 

Angry mob with Michelle Obama effigy

Muslims Riot Over Improper Disposal Of Korans

KABUL (BHN) Thousand of Muslims in Afghanistan continue to riot after Afghan laborers found charred copies of the Koran while collecting rubbish at Bagram Airbase.

In an effort to prevent this type of situation from happening again, non-Muslims are asked to observe the following Islamic rules for proper Koran disposal:

• Never burn the Koran on the ground - this is considered an insult to the Islamic faith. Always burn the Koran on a plate or in a receptacle. 
• Always burn the Koran by itself or with the Hadith - never with other rubbish.
• When disposing of the Koran in a toilet be careful to not defecate on the sacred book as it is forbidden. Urinating on the Koran is acceptable, but only if you have not been drinking alcohol.
• When using a discarded Koran as an absorbent in a cat box, the above rules don't apply, as the sacred text has no meaning for cats, and they have little control over where they poop.
• Never cook hot dogs over a burning Koran unless they are 100% beef.
• When using discarded pages from the Koran as Kleenex, do not allow snot to touch the name Mohammad, as it is sacred. 
• If using a discarded Koran for target practice, make sure the bullets have not been in contact with pork products or a Jew.

My comments: This information was badly needed - I realize now I've been doing it wrong!

 

Colorado Deluged With Yeti Sightings

ASPEN (BHN) - Authorities in Aspen, Colorado are being inundated with reports of a Yeti or Sasquatch-type creature being seen in town and even on area ski slopes.

The creature is described as being tall and gangly, with long legs and large, powerful thighs and buttocks. Several individuals said the animal leans to the left, and smells "like a cheeseburger."

My comments: How many times is this retarded site going to run this story?

 

Sasquatch creature spotted near Aspen

Bobby Brown Behavior Suspect At Funeral

NEWARK, NJ (BHN) - Former husband Bobby Brown unexpectedly left the funeral for Whitney Houston shortly after the service began. Brown claimed he left because security had asked his entourage to move several times for no apparent reason, but others claim there is more to the story.

"We saw Bobby messin' around with the casket," said one unidentified security guard. "He was doing something with the lid up. Turned out he was clipping her toenails - we found him smoking them in a pipe behind the stage. We told him he had to leave."

While some claimed Bobby may have been intoxicated as he exited the premises, there was no way to verify the security guard's account.

My comments: That's just wrong on so many levels. So many.

 

 

Hillary Clinton The New Face Of Genital Mutilation

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gave a moving keynote address at the International Day of Zero Tolerance for Female Genital Mutilation held in the Benjamin Franklin Room at the Department of State Thursday.

Many were moved to tears by the former First Lady's personal story of genital mutilation, the result of an unfortunate childhood pogo stick accident. While most girls and women suffer genital mutilation through forced operations, the traumatic aftermath was the same for Clinton - a lifetime of degradation and shame, and a husband who prefers fatties and trolls.

My comments: OK, that did it - I'm now gay.

 

 Hillary Clinton shares story of genital mutilation

Maxine Waters Asks To Be Taken Out

SAN DIEGO (BHN) - In a bizarre, rambling speech to a state convention audience last weekend, Rep. Maxine Waters called Republican leaders Boehner and Cantor "demons."

Despite having a double digit IQ, she then bragged about the chilling possibility that she may head the Financial Services Committee, as disgraced pervert Barney Frank retires.

Perhaps understanding the disastrous ramifications of someone of her intellect heading this committee, Waters then made this ominous plea: "Don't ever let me see again, in life, those Republicans in our hall, on our screens, talking about anything."

Speaker of the House Boehner later told reporters, "We can only pray someone will fulfill Maxine's request."

My comments: I agree with Boehner, this much stupidity coupled with that much power equals disaster.

 

Maxine Waters (file photo)

Obama Coddles Commie ATM

WASHINGTON (BHN) - After a grandiose reception usually reserved for our nation's closest allies, Barack Obama greeted Chinese heir apparent, Vice President Xi Jinping, in the Oval Office Tuesday morning.

The President made no pretense of his desperate need to please the communist who will soon be in charge of loaning him the trillions needed to pay off unions, expand our government, and finance 'green' industries should Obama be reelected.

While Xi Jinping was cordial he did keep the President at bay, only allowing the occasional kiss but rebuffing Obama's repeated attempts to unzip the Chinese Vice President's trousers.

My comments: I've heard of sucking up, but that's just ridiculous. 

 

Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping meets his new b*tch

Putin Pushes Sex

KURGEN, Russia (BHN) - Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin Monday urged his countrymen to start having more sex to put a stop to the country's declining population.

In one of his more controversial presidential election campaign pledges, Putin vowed a number of incentives to encourage Russians to participate in his "Tap That Ass" program in order to start having more children.

The virile former president attempted to set an example at the Siberian grade school where he announced the proposed, by appearing without pants and trying to talk one of the school teachers into a "quickie." Sources report that he was ultimately successful, and "likely the future father of triplets."

Opposition leaders scoffed at Putin's pledge, saying they could grow the population twice as fast by merely "importing 10 to 20 Mexicans."

My comments: What a stud that Putin is!

 

 Putin attempts to put his "Tap That Ass" program into action

World Shocked By Whitney Houston's Death

 

BEVERLY HILLS (BHN) - Friends and strangers alike continue to express their shock and disbelief over the the death of singer and actress Whitney Houston.

"Outside of binging on crack, pills, and booze, she was doing fine," said one of her staff members. "Nobody saw this coming"

Howard K. Stern, former manager for Anna Nicole Smith, was quoted as saying, "Whitney's passing is every bit as unexpected as Anna Nicole's. It's like one minute they're fine - slurring words, falling down, vomiting all over the place, then the next thing you know, without warning they're suddenly dead. You just never know."

My comments: This brings back the still-fresh memories of Amy Winehouse's totally unexpected death. I still can't believe it. RIP Whitney.

Whitney Houston in better days

News News News!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - "News so fresh, so creamy, so sweet, you'll be asking for more."

FLASH! Rumors Circulating That Kim Jong Un Assassinated!

Chinese micro-blogging service Weibo claims that new North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un and a bodyguard were assassinated today at the North Korean embassy in Beijing.

Although the rumor is almost certainly false, we wanted to offer some hopefully good news to offset the other depressing stories today.

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Saudi Faces Death Threats After Prophet Tweets

23-year-old Saudi Hamza Kashgari is facing death threats from Muslim religious authorities because he tweeted about the Prophet Muhammad: "I have loved things about you and I have hated things about you and there is a lot I don't understand about you. I will not pray for you." 

How dare this guy disrespect a demented homicidal antichrist pedophile! Off with his head!

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Homeland Security Monitoring Web For Anti-Government Sentiment

You never know when an angry conservative might say something disrespectful online about the messiah Barry, right Janet?  Off with their heads!

  

Kim Jong Un (r), Hamza Kashgari (RIP), Janet Napolitano

 

Taxpayers Provided $1.6 Billion In Free Cell Phones, Minutes

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Last year, a federal program paid out $1.6 billion to cover free cell phones and the monthly bills of 12.5 million wireless accounts.

The program, intended to help low-income Americans, has grown sharply since 2008, but observers complain that the program suffers from poor oversight - phones are going to people who don't qualify, hundreds of thousands of those who do qualify have more than one phone and are primarly using them for phone sex and to order pizza, hookers, and drugs.

Obama administration officials contend the program is "needed," but are unable to say why.

My comments: Crap, for years I've been paying for this stupid cell phone and minutes! I feel like an idiot!

"Thanks for the phones, now let's order some pizzas"

 

First Lady Running Amok In People's House

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Michelle Obama has turned the White House into a junior high phys. ed. class in an apparent attempt to leave a legacy apart from being an angry anti-American elitist/spendthrift.

The First Lady invited "Late Night" host Jimmy Fallon to the People's House to  join her in running, dodge-ball, tug-a-war, push-ups, and watching her cavort on her personal tire swing.

Obama easily bested Fallon in every physical challenge. "It was no contest. She's bigger, stronger, angrier, and obviously extremely well-nourished on the best food our money can buy," said Fallon.

My comments: I hope somebody got a hefty deposit before these pinheads moved in, as this place is going to take a lot of work to fix up after they  move out (which is hopefully soon).

 

 

Pope To Obama: Back Off, B*tch!

VATICAN CITY (BHN) - The Catholic Church is threatening to do whatever is necessary to defeat the Obama administration's health care law requiring all employers, including religious institutions, to pay for birth control.

Catholic leaders in the United States are furious and determined to harness the voting power of the nation’s 70 million Catholic voters to defeat Barack Obama this fall, and now their commander is apparently preparing the charge.

According to our sources in the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI sent a private message to the White House Monday, reportedly warning President Obama to "Back off, you Godless little bitch, before someone gets hurt." 

While being old and in poor health, Pope Benedict is no stranger to dealing with evil, and is said to be spoiling for a fight.

My comments: I wouldn't mess with this guy if I were you, Barry! 

 

Pope Benedict XVI: "Come get some"

Obama: I'm Like A Piece Of Cheese

WASHINGTON (BHN) - During an interview that aired Monday on NBC's "Today" show, President Obama likened himself to cheese or maybe a bottle of wine, telling Matt Lauer he is "getting better as time goes on."

Lauer did not respond by asking, "So you were not very good when you were elected?," or "How long will it take for you to become good?," but instead moved to Obama's lap to ask questions about the GOP challengers. 

Later a political expert said that at his current rate of improvement, Obama should be the best president in history in approximately 82 years.

My comments: I think those two make a really great couple!

 

 

Iran: Mahdi Is Here, West's Defeat Near

TEHRAN (BHN) - Iranian supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei told a cheering crowd in Tehran that soon "Allah’s promises will be delivered and Islam will be victorious.”

Khamenei claimed the last Islamic Messiah, the 12th Imam Mahdi, is living on earth and will soon publicly announce his presence "after the needed environment is created" (war on Israel and her allies).

This news site has run exclusive photos of a mysterious man many claim to be the Mahdi. He is currently living in a mosque at an undisclosed location somewhere in the Middle East.

Khamenei's remarks coincide with strong rumors that Israel is mere weeks away from a preemptive attack on Iran's nuclear facilities.

My comments: This conflict is absolutely inevitable and I don't like this Mahdi douchebag. It's go time, Israel - we've got your back (at least the Republicans)!

Iran's Ayatollah Khamenei, Islam's 12th Imam Mahdi?

Obama Claims Divine Guidance

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama told an audience at the annual National Prayer Breakfast Thursday that he bases every policy decision on the Golden Rule.

He said he often falls to his knees in prayer to various entities, and emphasized the role of his religious values in determining where to lead the country.

"I know the version of that Golden Rule is found in every major religion and every set of beliefs — from Hinduism to Islam to Judaism to Paginism to the writings of Plato," said Obama. "I worship them all."

There were moments of levity during the usually solemn event courtesy of First Lady Michelle - once when she unexpectedly leaned in to kiss her husband just as he turned away, and later when she (presumably accidentally) loudly passed wind during a prayer given by Pastor T.D. Jakes. 

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, it appears the Wookie was overfilled with the spirit! Thank God (the real One) nobody was killed or injured!

 

Trumpet call at Prayer Breakfast not exactly from Heaven