World News Bureau

Obama Among World's Foremost Experts On Judaism

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The day before he claimed German death camps were Polish, President Barack Obama met with 20 conservative rabbis to desperately attempt to work the Jewish vote thank them for their contributions to society.

The Israeli news site Haaretz reported that during the meeting Obama stated he "probably knows about Judaism more than any other president. Maybe anyone." Obama said he acquired this great knowledge by "reading about it" and "effectively Jewing people down on numerous occasions."

It is a well known fact that many conservative Jews have had reservations about Obama's feelings toward the Jewish people since he "tagged" the Wailing Wall during a 2008 visit as a Senator.

My comments: The Jews haven't survived all these centuries by not realizing who their enemies are...

Senator Obama visits the Wailing Wall in 2008

Michelle Obama Promotes New Book

WASHINGTON (BHN) - First Lady Michelle Obama is vigorously promoting her new book "American Groan" (below).

The book subtitled "Don't eat what I eat, eat what I tell you - A junk food junkie orders you to eat healthy," implores Americans to eat more vegetables, presumably leaving greater quantities of cheeseburgers and chili cheese fries for the author.

Amazon reports brisk sales for the book.

My comments: One look at Mooshell's enormous caboose tells you she hasn't eaten anything greener than a week-old chili-dog!

 

"HOPE" Artist Does Trayvon Poster

BERKELEY (BHN) - A prominent black magazine commissioned the artist responsible for the Obama "HOPE" poster to create a similar one in memory of Trayvon Martin.

The colorful artwork features Trayvon in his trademark hoodie, surrounded by media images and headlines associated with the case.

My comments: Sweet, where do I order a print? That's going to go perfect in the living room!

 

More Evidence Elizabeth Warren Is Native American

CAMBRIDGE, Ohio (BHN) - A relative of Massachusetts Democratic Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren has come forward with evidence proving Warren may very possibly be Native American.

A woman claiming to be the candidate's cousin told reporters Thursday that Warren unexpectedly showed up at her house and demanded the return of a papoose doll Warren had given her for Christmas.

"Out of nowhere Elizabeth suddenly wants back the doll she gave me as a gift," said the woman. "I'm here to tell you, Elizabeth Warren is an Indian giver - and that's the truth."

The woman produced a photograph (below) of Warren apparently taking back the gift.

The testimony, combined with information we reported earlier, is expected to end the speculation concerning Warren's ancestry once and for all.

My comments: I never had any doubt she is an Indian - just look at her red eyes!

 Elizabeth Warren: Indian giver?

Chris Matthews Gets Weird With Debbie Wasserman Schultz

WASHINGTON (BHN) - People are still trying to figure out exactly what is going on between MSNBC's Chris Matthews and Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, after Matthews practically raped her on his show a few nights ago.

“I haven’t seen much of you lately, where have you been the last couple months?" a heavy-breathing Matthews asked Wasserman Schultz. "I've been missing you. A lot." Matthews appeared to be doing something under the desk, while an obviously-flushed Wasserman Schultz stared longingly into his twitching eyes.

The exchange may help to explain photos circulating on the internet (below).

My comments: If there was ever a match made in Hea...well, someplace, it's these two retards! Let's just pray they don't breed...

 

Obama Campaign Store Selling Pet Accessories

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Obama campaign, already infamous for marketing anything they can put a logo on, is now offering a line of pet accessories at their online store.

Products include "I meow for Michelle," and "I bark for Barack" pet collars, as well as pet sweaters and bumper stickers featuring the First Dog, Bo.

My comments: If my dog looked anything like the one pictured in the ad, I'd be forced to become a cat person...

 

New Proof Elizabeth Warren May Be Cherokee

CAMBRIDGE, Mass (BHN) - Massachusetts Democratic Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren introduced evidence Monday she says proves her Cherokee ancestry.

The evidence consists of a grainy photo reportedly taken approximately twenty years ago outside of a Boston music hall, showing Warren apparently scalping tickets to a Melissa Etheridge concert.

"I'm not proud of it, but I was scalping the tickets," Warren told reporters. "It may seem extreme to the white man, but it came so naturally to me - it's in my genes."

UPDATE: New evidence pointing to Warren's Native American ancestry HERE

 

Obama A Real Commie Bastard?

BIG HAIRY NEWS - A new film adds credence to the already strong evidence that President Obama's father is not Barack Obama of Kenya, but rather radical communist Frank Marshall Davis from Hawaii.

Numerous nude photos of Obama's infamously slutty mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, taken by Marshall at his home 9 months before Dunham gave birth, as well as his written account of three-way sexual escapades with an underage white girl he calls "Anne," point to the possibility that Marshall is Barack's father.

The most compelling evidence overall, however, is the fact that the President looks absolutely nothing like Barack Obama Sr., and nearly identical to Frank Davis Marshall. On this alone, it is would be accurate to assume that President Obama is truly a commie bastard.

My comments: Apple. Tree. Far.

 

Biden Skips Medication

Youngstown, Ohio (BHN) - Joe Biden apparently forgot to take his medication Tuesday before making a campaign stop in Ohio.

Witnesses among the half-dozen or so people in attendance said they were "alarmed and frightened" by the Vice President's bizarre and disjointed comments. A sampling:

"My mother believed and my father believed, that if I wanted *president of the United States, I could be, I could be vice president." (Biden rips a loud fart) BOOYAH!!

*No words were accidently omitted in this quote

"I resent the fact that they think we’re talking about, we’re envy —  it’s job envy, it’s wealth envy, (grabbing crotch) penis envy - hey, did I say 'penis'? HEYOOOHHH."

"He talked just like my cousin Lashon, and he's a crack addict," one woman told reporters. "It's like he was possessed by some kind of autistic space alien," said another.

Biden's handlers later confirmed he had accidentally left his medication "somewhere in Vermont."

My comments: I want to party with that dude!

 

Study: Eating Sugar Makes You Dumb

IRVINE, California (BHN) - A new scientific study proves that eating too much sugar can erode your brainpower.

"The regular intake of high sugar foods severely diminishes the brain's ability to function rationally," said Fernando Gomez-Pinilla, a professor of neurosurgery at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA. "Adding a high dairy content along with the sugar accentuates the effect, basically turning one into a retard, if you will."

My comments: Now for something totally unrelated, here's pics of Barry eating ice cream and snow cones!

 

Chris Matthews Verified As Retard On Jeopardy!

CULVER CITY, California (BHN) - After often mocking Sarah Palin by implying she would fail at the TV game show Jeopardy!, MSNBC's Chris Matthews appeared on the program himself, with disastrous result.

Matthews finished a distant third to former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs and CNN's Lizzie O'Leary, two individuals not known for their intellect.

Not only did Matthews fail to answer even easy questions, the self-professed intellect was caught by the camera several times picking his nose. Later, Alex Trebek was overheard saying the episode "was like Jeopardy! meets the Special Olympics."

My comments: Finally, public validation for something millions of us have presumed for years.

 

Newsweek Features Obama (Again)

 

Pelosi: My Religion Compels Me to Follow Satan

WASHINGTON (BHN) - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Retard-Calif.) told reporters Thursday that she supports same-sex marriage because her faith makes her do so.

"My religion compels me – and I love it for it – to be for anything that includes devient sexual bahavior or the murder of unborn children," she said.

Despite the California lawmaker's past claims to be Catholic, Pelosi's stated beliefs continue to place her as a follower of Satan or possibly one of his alter egos, such as Baal or Molech.

My comments: And can anybody in the Catholic church tell me exactly why this evil retard is still allowed to befoul your sanctuary?

 

Obama Evolves Just In TIme For Election

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Unlike last election where he courted moderates and independents by standing against gay marriage, President Obama, as expected,  finished "evolving" just in time to court gay voters he desperately needs this time around.

Within 24 hours of announcing he is now for gay marriage, the Obama campaign launched a massive fundraising campaign aimed at the LGBT community, featuring an image of a modern gay couple with their newborn child (below).

My comments: I'm assuming it's a girl judging by the pink accessories. Too cute!

 

New Black Panthers Strive To Be Noticed

CHICAGO (BHN) - New Black Panther Party Supreme General Commander Malik Zulu Shazzam warned that whites will be driven to crazed violence after Barack Obama is reelected.

In other statements, Shazzam also said his group of unemployed illiterate racist felons attired in quasi-military outfits will play a  "big role" in the upcoming Presidential election, claimed no white leader can go up against Obama, and that "Michelle Obama just crushes these white women with her beauty," at which point Shazzam lost his composure and burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. "OK, I was joking about that last one," he said.

The Panther's comments are the latest in an obvious attempt to be noticed by someone other than their family members and local police.

My comments: Despite their desperate and pathetic attempts to not look like a gang of clueless crackheads, I doubt anybody but their probation officers really care what these racist retards are up to -

 

New Black Panther Party head Malik Zulu Shazzam (left)

Organization Funds Killing Of 14-Year-Old's Baby

BOSTON (BHN) - In what is being called the feel-good story of the year, the National Network of Abortion Funds (NNAF) rode to the rescue of a 14-year-old school girl who couldn't afford to pay for her abortion.

Thanks to the almost half million dollars raised so far through their "Kill Them Before They Cramp Your Style" bowl-a-thon, NNAF was able to provide the money needed to dismember and suck Darcy's pesky little boy into a bio-hazard bucket before her dating life suffered.

"Getting my abortion means I'm going to get a second chance," wrote a thankful Darcy to NNAF, "I've got my figure back and as soon as I quit bleeding, I'm getting my freak on! Thanks NNAF!"

My comments: There's really just no words to describe this organization and what they do for our society. Welcome to Hell on earth.

 

"Baby on board - help NNAF!"

Biden: I've often Fantasized About Marrying A Man

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Vice President Joe Biden said Sunday he’s "absolutely comfortable" with same-sex marriage, making him the latest Obama administration official to pander to gay voters.

Appearing on NBC's "Meet the Press," Biden told host David Gregory "Look, I'm absolutely comfortable with men marrying men and women marrying women. In fact I've often fantasized about marrying a man and, you know, grabbing those sweaty, muscular buns and, well, you know..."

My comments: While I'm not gay myself, there's no doubt Joe would look spectacular in hot pants, but he'd have to do something about that hair...

 

Bad Touch Bad Touch!

 

Elizabeth Warren: "Back Off, Paleface"

BRAINTREE, Massachusetts (BHN) - Democratic Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren fended questions Wednesday about whether she used her supposed Native American heritage to advance her career.

Warren claimed she enrolled herself as a minority in law school directories for nearly a decade because she hoped "to meet other people with tribal roots and maybe smokem peace pipe."

According to Warren, a genealogist once told her she is 1/32 Cherokee. "I have very distinct Native American-type nipples," she has reportedly told friends in defending her questionable heritage.

"I am fighting for my people and against the paleface Republicans who slaughtered off the buffalo and polluted our land and water," Warren told the four or five supporters in attendance.

My comments: 1/32 Cherokee, 100 percent liberal dumbass...

 

Democratic candidate Elizabeth "Little Brain" Warren

May Day Undercover

NEW YORK (BHN) - Drawing on my extensive undercover experience last year with Occupy Wall Street (here here here here here), I went deep undercover yesterday to participate in a May Day protest in New York City.  

In order to blend with the crowd, I dressed in my most subversive clothes - black jeans, black tee shirt, and black hoodie (in memory of Trayvon).

10:30 AM - Location: Sara Roosevelt Park in the Lower East Side. I arrived to find hundreds of individuals already there. I was pleased to see I had correctly coordinated my outfit, as many of the protesters were dressed exactly like me!

11:15 AM - Enjoyed a hearty breakfast of Red Bulls, Vodka, and blunts the size of hippo turds with my new friends. It turns out they're in a club called "Blackblock" and that's why they dress in black. Because of my outfit, they accept me as one of their own. Cool.

1:30 PM - It's time to change the world, so we start marching down the street, yelling about how much we hate rich people and aggressively dropping f-bombs like crazy. The guy next to me kicks over a newspaper stand. 

1:31 PM - Police descend on us like locusts, pulling club members out of the crowd, while the crowd tried to pull us back! I had cops yanking on my arm and both legs as about five protesters pulled on my other arm, turning me into a Blackblock Stretch Armstrong.

6:45 PM - After being treated for severely dislocated limbs then booked on a charge of resisting arrest, I'm released from jail. The end.

Note: A special thanks to my girlfriend Sissy for typing this for me, and helping me in the bathroom, getting dressed, etc.