World News Bureau

Pelosi: Immoral Dead People Made Obamacare Reality

FANTASYLAND (BHN) - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Retard-CA) credited the disembodied spirit of Ted Kennedy with making Obamacare a reality.

“I knew when he (Ted Kennedy) left us he would go to Heaven and help pass the bill and I know he was busily at work until this decision came down in one way or another, and now he can rest in peace,” the twitching/blinking Pelosi told reporters.

Speaker Jon Boehner later commented, "Who's to say a debaucherous womanizing drunk who drowns secretaries in his car can't go to Heaven? I'm just saying Pelosi's religious and spiritual insight, as evidenced by her lecturing the Pope that Jesus would approve of abortions, is, ah, somewhat suspect."

My comments: While Pelosi undoubtedly has the IQ of a toaster, for all we know maybe Ted was involved. The fetid, bloated, ill-fated nightmare that is Obamacare sure as hell didn't come from Heaven -

Remembering Ted: My friend's date with the late Senator HERE

 

Nancy Pelosi invokes Ted Kennedy

Free Healthcare For Everyone!

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Today the Supreme Court upheld key provisions of President Obama's socialized  healthcare plan, thus guaranteeing everyone in the U.S. free healthcare for life.

"Thank God President Obama did this, because I'm tired of paying for pills and stuff," said Lashonda Johnson after hearing the news. "I'm finally going to get my boobs done, too," she added.

In related news, the stock market fell in anticipation of dramatically higher federal deficits, and the INS reported a sudden "stampede" of immigrants attempting to enter the country illegally.

My comments: Crap, I hope I don't get sick!

 

Obama supporters Lashonda Johnson (r) and sister Laqueefa look forward to free healthcare

Oreos Come Out Of The Closet

BIG HAIRY NEWS - America’s favorite cookie has apparently come out of the closet, after Kraft Foods posted a gay pride Oreo on the cookie's Facebook page.

The Oreo is shown stuffed with rainbow-colored layers of frosting, and a healthy dollop of Anal Lube on top.

The Facebook page is drawing a fair amount of criticism, especially from parents angry that the photo contains no warning urging children to not eat Oreos with Anal Lube.

My comments: Cookies and sodomy: America's new apple pie and baseball?

 

Gay Pride Oreo

 

Jimmy Carter Slams U.S. Treatment Of Terrorists

TEHRAN (BHN) - Former president Jimmy Carter says the United States has abandoned its role as the global champion of human rights.

Writing in a recent New York Times op-ed piece, "A Cruel and Unusual Record," Carter slams the last two administrations for drone attacks in the Middle East, and housing prisoners in Guantanamo.

In the article Carter blames the 9/11 attacks for the current lack of civility toward terrorists, and calls for the U.S. to "kill them with kindness, instead of just killing them."

My comments: Hey, it's obvious Jimmah is getting sick of hearing people compare Barry to him, and he's just trying to distance himself from the loser - who could blame him?

 

Former president Jimmy Carter (right) speaks out against harsh US treatment of terrorists

 

DNC Dumping "Stupid Bitch" Wasserman-Schultz

WASHINGTON (BHN) - High ranking officials in the Democratic Party have confirmed rumors that DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz is being dumped in favor of someone less-hated by the public.

"Look, the latest polls say Debbie is about as popular as that guy who ate the other guy's face off - we got to lose this stupid bitch, and I mean quick," said Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. (Retard-Ill)

Many Democrats suspect the GOP had something to do with Wasserman-Schultz being made head of the DNC, and have been quietly campaigning for her replacement.

My comments: I'm personally sorry to hear this news, as Debbie was definitely nothing but good for the GOP.

Deviates Visit / Insult White House

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama invited important gay individuals from Philadelphia to the White House's first ever gay pride reception. Many took the opportunity to be photographed making obscene gestures toward portraits of notably moral presidents - especially Ronald Reagan.

Among those in attendance were photographer Zoe Strauss. Well known for being one of Philadelphia's least attractive lesbians eight years running, Strauss dramatically flipped off the portrait of Reagan, then posed in front of it to orally Roto-Rooter an individual of unknown gender. Reports indicate several gay women renounced their sexual orientation following the tawdry display.

My comments: The Obama's figured out a way to un-dignify the White House even beyond the gangster rap concerts - very classy!

 

Zoe Strauss creates drama, trades spit at White House reception for Godless deviates.

University Sponsors Racist Campaign

DULUTH (BHN) -The University of Duluth (UMD) is sponsoring an ad campaign designed to assuage white guilt by raising awareness of the fact whites should hate themselves for being white.

The undeniably racist project disseminates its message through online videos, billboards (below), and lectures. The ads feature a number of Caucasians confessing their inability to "see" racism, and admitting they deserve to get beaten by roving hoards of black youth.

 

First Lady Michelle Obama Jumps Rope

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Faced with an overload of negative and depressing news events today, we elected to lighten the mood with a photo of Michelle Obama doing "Double Dutch" jump roping on the "Live With Kelly" show a few days ago. Enjoy!

(Warning: May not be suitable for sensitive readers, please do not view photo immediately after eating. If viewing this photo causes physical and/or mental distress, discontinue immediately and call your physician. If symptoms are severe, call 911. Do not look directly at image if possible. Blurred vision, headaches, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, palpitations, excessive sweating, dizziness, fainting, chills, flatulence, stomach and/or abdominal pain, incontinence, rectal bleeding, hives, runny nose, hair loss, swollen tongue, fatigue, thoughts of suicide, anal leakage, indigestion, amnesia, itching, confusion, blindness, and death have been reported when looking at this image. Carefully consider whether you are healthy enough to view this image. If in doubt, consult your doctor. Big Hairy News and its affiliates are not responsible for injuries resulting from viewing this, or any images on this site.)

 

Putin "Bullies" Obama, Makes Him Cry

LOS CABOS, Mexico (BHN) - Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly lectured President Barack Obama to tears at the G8 summit in Mexico Tuesday.

"Vlad was really giving it to the President, and when Obama tried to interject, Putin raised his hands in a karate chop fashion and threatened to kick his ass,"  said a White House aide. "Barack was so mad he just sat there with tears running down his face."

Putin has done little to mask his disrespect for President Obama, even criticizing the American president for embracing socialism early in his term.

My comments: Even a brainless moron like Putin treats Barry like a little girl. Not good.

 

Obamas Release Personal Photos

WASHINGTON (BHN) - In an obvious move to appear more "human," the Obama campaign released candid photos of the First Family this weekend.

The images feature Barack and Michelle interacting with other people's children, and the President playing a quiet game of pool, throwing a football, and other "guy" things.

My comments: Sorry, they still look like privileged, clueless retards. Click on pics for bigger images.

Desperate Obama Shuns Law For Hispanic Vote

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama announced today that he has instructed the Department of Homeland Security to cease deporting illegal immigrants who snuck into entered this country at a young age.

The move comes as the Obama campaign continues its precipitous slide in the polls due to bad economic news and a seemingly never-ending series of gaffes and miscues from an administration even some Democrats are calling "more retarded than Carter's."

In changing the deportation policy, the President essentially enacted his stalled "Dream Act" program, a pandering attempt to increase his Hispanic voter base.

In a news conference today, the President insisted the move was in no way political, but simply "the right thing to do." Obama is addressing the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials’ annual conference in Florida next week.

Coincidentally, the latest Time Magazine (below) features a cover story advocating amnesty for the approximately twelve million illegal immigrants in the US.

My comments: At this point it's obvious that Barry has absolutely sealed the gay Hispanic vote for himself! Nice, retard!

 

Chicago Teacher's Unions: Huge Raise Or We Strike

CHICAGO (BHN) - Chicago Teachers Union President Karen "Fat Tony" Lewis said that nearly 90 percent of its 26,502 members voted to strike if they were not given a massive raise for no apparent reason. Lewis noted that the union will not strike until school is back in session after the summer break.

"Sh*t, we deserve a 24 percent raise. I read that the average teacher in Chicago only makes $74,839 a year - yo, I can't eat on that!" said Lewis. "Also, thanks to us there's a 60.6 percent graduation rate - that's over three quarters and worth something right there, yo."

Even without the strike, Chicago is currently facing its worst financial crisis in history.

My comments: It's official - Chicago has officially displaced Detroit as the most fetid liberal utopia in the Midwest (and that's really saying something). Congratulations, commie retards!

 

Chicago Teacher's Union President Karen "Fat Tony" Lewis

Even Germans Now Hate Obama

HAMBURG (BHN) - The latest issue of Germany's Der Spiegel magazine features a cover story on President Obama's plummeting popularity in that country.

Obama was wildly popular in Germany when elected, but "after three and half years of watching him stumble from one bad decision to another, he looks less presidential and more like an arrogant community organizer who smoked too much pot," according to the article.

My comments: I can't read German, but I think that magazine cover is referring to our President as being like Dick Nixon - not good!

 

Lady Gaga Ups Madonna, Exposes Penis

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE  - Apparently in response to Madonna's desperate bold attention-grabbing nipple flash, Lady Gaga struck back last night by allegedly exposing her penis during a concert performance.

"Gaga really took it to the next level," said 12-year-old fan Stacey Funtski, "when she popped out her wiener, the crowd went nuts!"

The battle for pop supremacy has been heating up between Gaga and the elderly Madonna, culminating in Madge's nipple-popping power play at her last concert. However, after Gaga's performance last night, it appears the Material Girl may be hosed.

My comments: This is unquestionably a new high-water mark for American entertainment! Pure class, you two!

Rumors were true? (Pixelated for your viewing protection)

News News News!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - "More news, less facts, always accurate"

Today's biggest stories:

_____________________________________________

World War 3 Eminent!

Supposedly Israel is going to attack Iran next week. *YAWN* - next story

_____________________________________________

Global Financial Meltdown Unavoidable

"Chaos and death to ensue" - Whatever. Next story

_____________________________________________

Cruise Ship With 4,780 Souls Disappears In Bermuda Triangle

Must have been a Carnival cruise. Next story please

_____________________________________________

Madonna Flashes Nipple!!!!

Fans in Istanbul received an unexpected treat when singer Madonna exposed a nipple while singing her new hit "Ima Juicy 4 U."

"It was AWESOME!" said one eleven-year-old audience member. "Now I know what it would be like to have Grandma waive her t*t right in my face!"

The 53-year-old performer is on a worldwide tour promoting her latest CD, "MDNA."

My comments: Now that's news! :)

 

Closeup of Madonna's nipple

Clinton Hired By Romney To Campaign For Obama

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Romney campaign announced Friday that in an effort to "promote civility" in this election, they would actually pay former President Bill Clinton $1,000,000 to campaign for President Obama.

"When we saw how much money we raised last week compared to President Obama, we felt it was the least we could do," a Romney spokesperson told reporters.

The White House has yet to respond.

My comments: Who said compassionate conservatism is dead?

 

Dat River In Egypt

BIG HAIRY NEWS  - Headlines from this week's major stories:

Obama: The Private Sector Is Doing Fine

Holder Claims Emails Using Words "Fast And Furious" Do Not Refer To Operation Fast And Furious

DNC Chair: Obama Deployed "His Entire Grassroots Machinery" In WI Recall

Weeping Anti-Walker Protester: "Democracy Died Tonight"

Obama: Notion "My White House" Would Leak Documents "Offensive And Wrong"

First Lady Michelle: When I'm Really Hungry I Eat Broccoli Or Maybe A Carrot

My comments: As the old saying goes, "Always tell the truth, even if you have to make it up."

Maxine Waters Charged With Ethics Violations, Being A Retard

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The House Ethics Committee is in its third year investigating Rep. Maxine Waters (Retard-CA) for ethics violations, and charges she is not intellectually capable of governing.

Waters is charged with using her position as a senior member of Congress and member of the House Financial Services Committee to obtain a Treasury Dept. bailout of OneUnited Bank. She somehow neglected to disclose the fact her husband was a substantial stockholder in the troubled firm.

In addition to the ethics charge, the Committee is investigating Waters for "criminal stupidity while holding high office." Otherwise known as the "retard in office" law, it was created after the Carter administration to "protect the public by keeping the criminally stupid and/or devious out of positions of authority."

The overwhelming consensus is that Waters will be found guilty of all charges.

My comments: I've said it before - I'm more concerned by the fact there are individuals living among us who actually voted this corrupt, clueless pinhead into office, and they may be breeding. Scary!

 

Rep. Maxine Waters (Retard-Ca)

MSNBC Rocked By Wisconsin Vote Results

NEW YORK (BHN) - After investing heavily in Wisconsin governor Scott Walker's defeat, MSNBC hosts were devastated last night by news the recall had failed, especially big union fanatic Ed Schultz.

"You know, NBC is calling it for Walker. Okay, that's what they say but I'll tell you right now if that's true I'm f*cking outa here! I mean it dyke, I'm checking out!" the hysterical Schultz told host Rachel Maddow as he produced a pistol from under the desk.

Maddow, himself also clearly overcome with grief, awkwardly attempted to calm Schultz as the network quickly cut to a commercial. Upon returning, Schultz was absent, replaced by a facsimile that under closer inspection appeared to be a Hefty bag filled with dog poop.

My comments: That's too bad, but I've got to say I really liked his replacement!

 

Jesse Jackson Rallies The Vote In Wisconsin

MILWAUKEE (BHN) - The "Reverend" Jesse Jackson pulled out all the stops in an address Sunday to a small crowd of Wisconsin Democrats and union activists.

"I don't know this for a fact, but there could very possibly be crack rocks in some of those polling booths Tuesday. There shouldn't be, but you never know," sources say Jackson told the exited crowd.

Aides to Scott Walker called the alleged remarks "a clear sign of desperation and a new low for Jackson, if that were even possible." 

My comments: I foresee a very, very heavy Democrat turnout...