World News Bureau

World's Largest Toaster Attempt Fails

NEW DELHI, India (BHN) - An effort to create the world's largest toaster failed in India Monday, when the device mysteriously stopped working only 30 seconds into its first test.

The giant toaster was designed to brown over four million loaves of bread at a time, in an attempt to meet the demands of one of the world's most populated countries.

"Instead of having to manufacture millions of individual toasters, it seemed smarter to produce one really large one," said project head Puhlma Fingha. "We are still working out the details."

My comments: Wow, that's a shame.

 

Indian Giant toaster project head Puhlma Fingha

Newsweek: Still Obama's B*tch

NEW YORK CITY (BHN) - Newsweek Magazine continues its unabashed shilling for President Obama, with its upcoming issue featuring the cover story "Romney: The wimp factor - is he just too insecure to be President?"

The article bizarrely likens seasoned captain-of-industry Romney to a "mouse" in the White House.

The magazine's owner announced recently that the publication will soon be going out of print due to the non-shocking revelation that the writers are the only people reading it.

My comments: How sad is it that this partisan, leftist rag is losing money? Answer: Not very! :)

Michelle On Every TV Show, Magazine Cover

BIG HAIRY NEWS (BHN) - First Lady Michelle Obama has become one of the most publicized figures in America today, appearing on seemingly every TV talk show and sitcom, and magazine covers from Time to Modern Rodent.

"She enjoys doing it and it gives her the means to instruct Americans on what and how to eat," said a member of her staff.

Mrs. Obama's latest magazine cover is the August edition of Parenting magazine (below).

My comments: I think the media has fallen in love! Another four months of this, and even the Democrats will vote to get these pontificating pompous morons out of our faces!

 

Rahm Blasts Chick-fil-A With Compliment

CHICAGO (BHN) - Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel inadvertently complimented the Chick-fil-A organization while explaining why he would join an alderman's effort to block the chain from opening a new restaurant in that city.

"Chick-fil-A’s values are not Chicago values," Emanuel said Wednesday. "And if you’re gonna be part of the Chicago community, you should reflect Chicago values."

In response, Chick-fil-A released this statement:

We consider Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel's statement "Chick-fil-A's values are not Chicago values" to be one of the nicest compliments our company has ever received, and we sincerely thank him for it.

Unfortunately, while we would love to offer the world's best chicken sandwiches to the beleaguered residents mired in that crime-ridden, fetid cesspool you call a city, we are unwilling to have our company or employees "reflect Chicago values" to do so, as graft, corruption, murder, rape, drug and alcohol abuse, welfare and union fraud, sexual immorality, and general overall Godlessness are discouraged within our organization.

We are sorry, and hope you will see fit to allow us to offer our delicious sandwich to your suffering citizens - God knows they deserve it.

My comments: I guess even a Godless, profane pinhead like Rahm can rock a compliment once in a while!

 

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel

Iran Pledges To Deploy Warships In Atlantic

TEHRAN (BHN) -Iran's top naval commander said  his country is deploying warships in the Atlantic Ocean, including possibly off America's East Coast.

"We are not afraid of the United States," said Rear Admiral Ihabiboil Omabeegbhut, "Our navy will rule the seas, and the Americans are helpless to stop us, so mighty are our ships."

The news was met with enthusiasm by American diving enthusiasts, as there are few large artificial reefs off the Atlantic Coast.

My comments: I hope they send some really big ships, I'm ready to dive!

 

Artist rendition of future Iranian Navy artificial reef

 

Gay Muppets Sever Ties With Chick-fil-A

HOLLYWOOD (BHN) - The Jim Henson Company announced it is severing all ties with Chick-fil-A after that company's president made the shocking admission that the fast-food giant was "guilty as charged" of supporting "the Biblical definition of the family unit."

In a statement explaining their break with Chick-fil-A, the puppet company justified the move by pointing out that CEO Lisa Henson is an avid supporter of Godless, immoral lifestyles, gay marriage, and "pretty much anything unbiblical." The statement also said that monies received from Chick-fil-A will be given to "GLAAD" (an advocacy group for the gender/sexuality-confused and/or sexually immoral).

My comments: Yeah, I really want the money I spend on my children's toys to fund Godless sodomites and mentally deranged sexual deviates - NOT. Put the Muppets on Bravo with the rest of the perverted freaks!

 

A couple of Godless, immoral puppets enjoy play time "San Francisco style" (file photo)

 

Colorado Murderer Makes Bizarre Court Appearance

CENTENNIAL, Colorado (BHN) - Accused mass-murderer James Holmes made his first appearance in court Monday, and it was bizarre.

As had been reported, the 24-year-old man's hair was dyed a bright "Joker" orange. He sat quietly staring at his lap, while making a series of grimaced facial expressions. A review of footage from an overhead security camera in the courtroom later revealed what Holmes was looking at (below).

My comments: This guy is obviously bat-sh*t crazy to the tenth power, and letting him stare at that thing is not helping.

 

Liberals Condemn Guns In Wake Of Shooting

BIG HAIRY NEWS - A number of liberals are predictably calling for the outlawing of guns in the wake of the mass shooting at a Colorado movie theater early Friday morning. A sampling of their comments:

"These guns are killing people all over the place and must be stopped," Rep. Maxine Waters (Retard-CA) said in a statement released this morning. "If we can't get rid of all guns completely, at least legislate they must have a permanent stopper of some sort in the barrel."

"Well, I think you know we have too many guns," a blinking Minority Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters this morning. "It's the Tea Party who are putting them out there and it's simply terrible - these guns are absolutely running amok, shooting everyone."

"This senseless killing shows what happens with guns," Tweeted Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (Retard-TX). "I favor the hardest penalty you can think of for any gun that kills or injures a living creature, including humans."

My comments: I tend to favor the Maxine Waters approach - allow the sale of guns, but seal the barrels so they can't be used in a crime to injure someone. It's the best of both worlds.

 

Maxine Waters, Nancy Pelosi, Sheila Jackson Lee

Obama To Mexicans: Come On Over, Dinner's On Us!

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Obama administration has entered into a partnership with Mexico to bring in more Democrat voters educate illegal immigrants Mexican nationals living in the United States about obtaining "nutritional assistance" (free food stamps).

"You've got millions of individuals, many with a severe case of the munchies, and we have all these extra food stamp credit cards laying around," said USDA spokesman Juan Jimenez. "It seems only right."

In possibly related news, the Border Patrol reports record numbers of immigrants suddenly pouring across the border today. 

My comments: Like they needed more incentive to come on over! I say let's give them a new car so they can go pick up their food stamps!

 

Annoy A Liberal, Buy This Sticker!

We ran our take on the official "Forward" Obama campaign slogan in May, and the resulting requests by so many people to purchase it prompted us to have a bunch made up as bumper stickers.

Knowing how violent and evil most liberals are, in addition to the normal sticker, we also offer it in a very cool magnetic version, so you can peel it off your car when parked. This substantially increases the odds your car will not be on fire/bearing unsavory statements/missing pieces when you return. So smart!

While these stickers are reasonably priced, they aren't cheap because we are hardcore capitalists and plan on retiring to Tahiti after we sell the 4 million of these we had produced. Buy one for each end of your car, and an extra to slap on your irritating liberal neighbor's Prius!

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Target Unveils Line Of Gay Greeting Cards

MINNEAPOLIS (BHN) - Target Corp. announced they will be offering a new line of gay and lesbian greeting cards.

The cards hit store shelves nationwide in June and include covers such as “Mr. & Mr. Godless sodomite“ and ”Two special women, one special perversion.”

This is the latest in a series of moves by the retailer to curry favor (and business) with the  LGBT community.

My comments: Hey, the sexually confused / perverted need cards, too. I think they're yummy!

 

Hillary Visits Egypt, Is Not Sexually Abused By Crowds

CAIRO (BHN) - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton visited Egypt last weekend, in a move by the Obama administration to gain favor with the Muslim Brotherhood and it's elected leader, Mohamed Morsi.

Protesters chanting anti-American slogans met Clinton at several sites and pelted her motorcade with bottles, shoes, and tomatoes.

Finally, in an apparent move to appease the throngs of male protesters, Clinton left her security detail and ventured alone through a teaming Tahrir Square, infamous site of numerous sexual assaults on Western female journalists and reporters. The Sec. of State wandered through the crowd for almost an hour without being touched, before stripping down to a hot lime bra and panties. The ensuing stampede killed fourteen individuals, as hundreds of men attempted to flee the area.

When asked why the crowd did not sexually assault the vulnerable Western woman, one Egyptian protester replied, "Please, she's no Laura Logan..."

My comments: And you thought a large percentage of these carpet-kissers were gay before!

 

Sec. of State Hillary Clinton's attempt to appease Egyptian protesters causes stampede

Officer's Threat Against First Lady Simple Misunderstanding

WASHINGTON (BHN) -The D.C. motorcycle patrol escort who was suspended for allegedly threatening to kill First Lady Michelle Obama has been reinstated.

A thorough investigation indicated the officer, who wears glasses and suffers from poor eyesight, never actually mentioned the First Lady, but referred to "that thing trying to get close to the President."

"It seems the officer thought Mrs. Obama was a "shape-shifter or Bigfoot-type creature," and posed a clear threat to the President," said police department spokesman Mike Hagman. "He planned to kill it the next time he saw it. It was an understandable mistake."

The patrol officer was reportedly fitted with new glasses, and trained to differentiate between First Lady Michelle and other similar non-human species.

My comments: I've made the same mistake more than once - no harm, no foul!

 

Simple case of mistaken identity - First Lady (left) and Sasquatch (right)

Biden To NAACP: Obama And I Blacker Than Romney

HOUSTON (BHN) - Vice President Joe Biden regaled the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Thursday with stories of him doing things with colored people, including attending Jeremiah Wright's church.

While the few individuals in attendance appeared to accept Biden's statements at face value, no record of Biden attending the notoriously anti-white church is known to exist, so we contacted the Obama campaign for evidence to back up the Vice President's claim.

We received the photo below this morning.

My comments: That's Joe alright, I guess he's telling the truth!

 

Joe Biden worships at Jeremiah Wright's church

Romney Beaten, Robbed At NAACP Speech

HOUSTON (BHN) - Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was beaten and robbed during his address before the National Association For The Advancement Of Colored People (NAACP).

Romney had barely begun his address when a mob of approximately 50 - 100 colored people swarmed the stage, beating the candidate and stealing his watch and items from his pockets. After collecting himself, Romney continued his speech until being attacked by an even larger group of colored people who again beat him, stripped him naked, and stole his clothes.

Unable to finish, Romney was assisted offstage by police and paramedics before they too were set upon by a large number of colored people. No arrests were reported.

My comments: Who didn't see THAT coming?

 

Mitt Romney after being beaten and robbed by colored people at NAACP convention

Episcopal Church Gets Freakier

INDIANAPOLIS (BHN) - At the Episcopal General Convention in Indianapolis, the House of Bishops voted to authorize a provisional rite for same-sex unions. In a separate vote, the full convention approved anti-discrimination language for transgendered clergy candidates and church members.

Transgendered Rev. Carla Robinson, vicar of All Saints Church in Seattle, said she was "lucky to have the backing of bishops who have obviously never read a Bible."

The Episcopal Church created a maelstrom of controversy in 2003 when it consecrated the first sodomite openly gay bishop in the Anglican world.

My comments: I personally prefer my spiritual guides to be a little less confused, but that's just me...

 

Rev. Carla Robinson

The Scooter Store

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 All designs shown copyright Big Hairy News LLC 2012 - 2012

Pregnant Barney Frank Weds, Miscarries

NEWTON, Mass. (BHN) - Retiring Rep. Barney Frank (Retard-Mass) married longtime partner James Ready on Saturday, but their joy was soon turned to sadness.

The couple confided they decided to quickly marry after it appeared Frank was pregnant. Sadly, the elder politician miscarried the remains of a beef and bean burrito shortly after their nuptials. The men say they will keep trying for a child.

Services for the deceased were held Sunday in the master bathroom at Frank's Massachusetts home, and were attended by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, Sen. John Kerry, and Reps. Dennis J. Kucinich and Steny H. Hoyer.

My comments: I was told that except for having eyes of corn, the little baby looked just like his mother *sniff sniff* -

 

Beaming pregnant Frank shortly before miscarriage