World News Bureau

Chris Matthews Accuses Himself Of Being Racist

TAMPA (BHN) - MSNBC's Chris Matthews suffered an on-air meltdown Thursday after apparently realizing he had referred to African Americans as "colored" while mentioning the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) endorsement of Barack Obama.

Upon mentioning the organization, Matthews suddenly stopped talking, stared blankly into the camera for nearly 10 seconds, then launched into an angry diatribe about racism.

"There it is! There it is, the politics of hate based on race! People like me make me sick!" Matthews yelled. "Barack Obama is not colored, but just like a Tea Party member jacked up on moonshine, that's what I'm calling him! G*ddamnit, I hate every bone in my racist body..."

The network quickly went to commercial, returning with a rerun of the Rachel Maddow Show.

  Meltdown: Chris Matthews accuses himself of being racist on-air

New California Law Seals In Gayness

LOS ANGELES (BHN) -A new California law bans gay individuals from receiving therapy aimed at returning them to normal turning them straight. The law is seen as a companion to one being considered that would encourage therapy aimed at making straight individuals gay.

"What's more natural than two sweaty men riding rump? We've got to encourage these kids, not discourage them," said the bill's sponsor, Senator Ted W. Lieu.

In July, Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill making California the first state to mandate gay and lesbian indoctrination lessons in public schools.

SHOCKING: Video Shows Prince Doing Drugs, Having Sex

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - An anonymous source has provided information alleging Prince Harry indulged in drug use and sex acts during his Las Vegas party. Included was a still reportedly taken from a video shot during the wild party in his luxury suite.

The shocking image (below) appears to show the inebriated prince with white powder around his nose, sprawled across a pool table "shagging" a large potted fern.

Buckingham Palace has yet to comment on this new information.

 

Scene from Prince Harry Las Vegas sex video

Study: Cannabis Use Affects IQ, Behavior

LONDON (BHN) -Researchers have found that heavy users of marijuana who started smoking it in school had lower IQ scores and were prone to erratic and flawed decision making as adults.

"We're seeing the results today of heavy cannabis use while growing up," said Professor Wilton Tidley of King’s College London, "the inability to speak from memory, inappropriate bowing, repeated lying, etc. - these people are idiots."

The study found the effects more pronounced in regions with especially potent strains of cannabis, such as the Hawaiian islands.

 

 

Obama Honors Neil Armstrong With Photo Of Himself

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama offered a solemn memorial tribute on his tumblr page Sunday to astronaut Neil Armstrong.

The post features a photo of Obama contemplatively gazing at the moon, presumably reflecting upon his hero's accomplishments (and chances of being reelected?).

One prominent critic labeled the tribute "possibly the most narcissistic thing Barack Obama has ever done," to which a White House spokesman angrily replied, "It most certainly is not."

 

White House: Not most narcissistic thing

 

Wasserman Schultz: Childhood Trauma Makes Her Lie

NEW YORK (BHN) - DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Retard-Florida) appeared to be physically unable to tell the truth while appearing on CNN's Anderson Cooper show Thursday.

Cooper unsuccessfully spent an entire segment repeatedly trying to get Wasserman Schultz to simply acknowledge the fact she has been deliberately misquoting an LA Times article in order to distort Mitt Romney's stand on abortion. A flustered Cooper was later overheard saying that interviewing the DNC head was "like talking to a possessed carp."

A close friend said Wasserman Schultz's inability to tell the truth is actually the result of a traumatic childhood incident, possibly involving hair care products. "Debs can't stop lying, but it's not her fault - she got messed up bad."

 

Who Was The Slut With Harry?

Las Vegas (BHN) - In the wake of Prince Harry's scandalous Sin City romp, everybody's wondering the identity of the naked girl pictured with the him.

An anonymous source sent us a photo (below) allegedly showing the face of the woman in question, but at this point we have not been able to identify her.

Photos showing Prince Harry partying at the Wynn have been banned from UK publications.

 

"Like A Retard On A Slot Machine"

First Lady In The Gym Before Dawn

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The women's website "iVillage" reports that Paul Ryan isn't the only one working out, saying first lady Michelle Obama is in the gym most mornings before 6 AM.

"Barack and I work out every day," Mrs. Obama told the site in an interview to appear online this week. "I do a 30-minute routine that includes a minute of jumping jacks alternating with a minute of push-ups, then maybe a sit-up. The remaining 27-minute workout is devoted to enlarging my enormous ass."

 

First lady Michelle Obama works out with barbells and chili dog

SHOCKING: Newsweek Turns On Obama!

NEW YORK CITY (BHN) - In what is clearly a desperate attempt to forestall the seemingly inevitable demise of Newsweek magazine, the notoriously leftist publication features a cover story this month actually critical of President Obama.

Titled "Hit the road, commie - why we need a new president that doesn't hate the U.S.," the article portrays Obama as a Muslim communist sympathizer who smokes pot in the Oval Office, refers to Jews as "filthy Kikes," and lives on a diet of Baconators and peanut butter cups.

Newsweek abandoned its objectivity years ago in favor of rabid liberalism, and in return has seen its readership steadily plummet. This move is seen by most as a last ditch effort to snare new readers by presenting a truthful story about President Obama and his administration, but may be too late to save the publication.

Chicago Mall Features Obama Memorial Urinal

CHICAGO (BHN) - A Hyde Park mall recently installed a 3,000-pound granite boulder with a plaque commemorating the first known kiss between a human and a Wookie.

The marker was commissioned by the owners of Dorchester Commons, and took over two years to create. A mall management spokesperson said the idea came about after visitors asked where Barack Obama and girlfriend Michelle first kissed, and also from area homeless individuals requesting a place to urinate away from the mall.

"We thought we would kill two birds with one stone, if you will," said the spokesperson. "We only ask that people do not urinate on those wishing to read the plaque."

 

Obama commemorative kiss plaque/outdoor urinal at Chicago's Dorchester Commons mall

 OBAMA MEMORIAL URINAL PHOTO CONTEST!

Big Hairy News will award a $25 cash prize, "Lean Forward" sticker, and a "Eat Healthy" refrigerator magnet for the best photo of an individual or group using the new Obama Memorial Urinal! 

Submit no more entries, we have a winner:

Congratulations to reader Geezmom!

Geezmom photo entry 

IMPORTANT NOTES: Big Hairy News does not condone illegal acts of any type - please check all local laws before participating in this or any promotion. Use caution when urinating on large stones as urine can splatter - always use proper eye protection. Remember to keep mouth closed when urinating on boulders and make sure field of urination is clear of children and pets. If urine is accidentally ingested, immediately induce vomiting and call 911.

CONTEST RULES: Photos must be genuine (no Photoshopping) and will be judged on (1) Artistic merit (2) Composition (3) Lighting (4) Boulder and plaque coverage (5) Urine stream trajectory / difficulty (6) Quality and quantity of bribe. Points WILL be deducted for visible wangs or any other perceived homo activity!

Romney Campaign Offers To Pay Biden Expenses

WASHINGTON (BHN) - In the midst of speculation that President Obama may replace gaffe-prone running mate Joe Biden, the Romney campaign is offering to bear the cost of the Vice President's campaign efforts, as a sign of their nonpartisan generosity.

"While we don't agree with his political views, we really like Joe as a person, and as such would just like to help defray the considerable expense of his campaigning," Mitt Romney told reporters Thursday. "This is simply our way of showing we truly are compassionate conservatives."

As of Thursday afternoon the White House had not replied to the offer.

 

 

White Baby Threatens To Kill Black Panthers

CLEVELAND (BHN) - In a shocking rebuke to New Black Panther Party Chief of Staff Michelle Williams' threat to firebomb nurseries full of white babies, one outspoken infant is threatening to push back.

"This fat, ignorant, racist b*tch and her retarded flunkies would have to take a three week course just to learn how to construct a Molotov cocktail, let alone figure out how to use it," said newborn Binky Stoudemeyer. "There's plenty of white babies like myself who wouldn't mind capping some New Black Panthers, or should I say 'New Black P*ssies?' Word."

Williams said her group will "do whatever we got to do" to defend themselves against the "gangs of cracker babies."

 

Ohio newborn Binky Stoudemeyer

 

Dems Panic - Even Biden Begging For Donations

WASHINGTON (BHN) -  In what many political analysts are calling the clearest indication yet that the Obama campaign is panicking over Romney's choice of Paul Ryan as his running mate, even Joe Biden is sending out fundraising emails (see one we received, below).

For reasons unknown, until now the Vice President has been notably absent from campaign fundraising requests.

 

Meet America's First Openly Gay General

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Last week, Brig. Gen. Tammy "Scissor" Smith became the first openly-gay general to serve in the U.S. military.

During a ceremony on Friday, Smith’s "wife," activist Tracey Hepner, pinned on her star, publicly acknowledging Smith’s confused sexuality and bizarre and twisted open devotion to another female.

In unrelated news, a recent poll shows morale reaching an unprecedented low in the United States military. Pentagon officials are actively trying to figure out why.

 

Tracey Hepner and Gen. Tracey Smith

 

Lawsuit: Napolitano Real Ladies Woman

WASHINGTON (BHN) - A veteran U.S. law enforcement official has filed a discrimination lawsuit against Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, charging she pushed him aside in favor of Dora Schriro, a far-less qualified woman she was having a relationship with.

"Despite my knowledge and experience, Miss Napolitano saw fit to increasingly ignore me, finally placing a clueless carpet-muncher with the IQ of a toaster into the bogus position of 'special adviser,' the individual's suit claims. "Her only advice appeared to be for Napolitano to wear tighter pants."

A friend of Napolitano denied the lawsuit's claims, saying "the two are simply co-workers who enjoy each others' company - usually with large quantities of baby oil."

 

"Simply co-workers"  (file photo)

 

Pelosi: "Ghost Of Susan B. Anthony Sat On My Face"

BIG HAIRY NEWS - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Retard-Calif) told a recent gathering of the Women's Political Committee that she was once accosted by ghosts at the White House.

According to Pelosi, numerous spirits of dead suffragists attempted to all sit in Pelosi's chair with the blinking politician.

"My chair was getting crowded in," Pelosi told the audience. "My chair was getting crowded in and I couldn’t figure out what it was," she said. "And then I realized Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Lucretia Mott, Alice Paul, Sojourner Truth, you name it, they were all in that chair, they were," said Pelosi. "I heard them say, 'At last we have a seat at the table.' I'm pretty sure Susan B. was sitting on my face."

Pelosi has recounted the haunting in several prior speeches before women's organizations.

 

Is the ghost of Susan B. Anthony sitting on Nancy Pelosi's face? (file photo)

Muslim Cleric Accuses Israelis Of Sex Crimes

CAIRO, Egypt (BHN) - In a recent sermon, Radical Muslim cleric and former U.S. resident Dr. Abugr Manefu said "thousands" of Israelis came across the border during the resign of Hosni Mubarak to ply Egyptian citizens with alcohol and have sex with them.

"This is a fact! Before her death, my own wife came home many times drunk, testifying to being raped by filthy Jews," said Manefu. "They deserve to die for the things they taught her."

The cleric also claimed that Jews sodomized boys in Egypt. "For the price of one Egyptian pound the Jews would seduce boys from Cairo. They took young men who did not know any better and sodomized them,” He said, adding, "Don't ask me how I know," before collapsing into tears, ending the sermon.

 

Cleric Abugr Manefu recounts Israeli sexual attacks on his wife, young men

 

NBC Apologizes For Running Commercial Again

NEW YORK (BHN) - NBC was forced to apologize to the public again, after running the same commercial that caused controversy last week when it was aired after a piece featuring olympian Gabby Douglas.

This time the commercial was aired during First Lady Michelle Obama's appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and prompted both complaints from black leaders and civil rights groups, as well as support from well wishers applauding what they thought were the First Lady's skills as a gymnast.

"We sincerely apologize for the timing - it was certainly not intentional," said a statement released by the network.

 

Unfortunate timing or racist statement by NBC?

Obama Campaign (Again) Hiding Joe Biden?

WASHINGTON (BHN) - For the second time in as many months, the White House is reporting that Vice President Joe Biden is on an extended vacation, leading many to question whether the Obama campaign is purposely hiding the gaffe-prone Biden during the months leading up to the election.

According to his official White House schedule, Biden and his wife are vacationing in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, but our investigation has uncovered evidence (below) that the Vice President is actually staying in a small room below a Garrett Popcorn shop in downtown Chicago.

The White House has so far declined to comment on our findings.