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WASHINGTON (BHN) - In response to mounting criticism about President Obama's unwillingness to join Benjamin Netanyahu in taking a stand against Iran, The White House unveiled its own "red line" Friday.
Press Secretary Jay Carney unveiled a chart indicating Obama's own "line in the sand," and warned Iran that there will be "serious consequences" should they cross it.
An Israeli spokesman called the Obama red line "about what we expected."
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BIG HAIRY NEWS - The latest polling shows President Obama surging to what many are calling an insurmountable lead over floundering challenger Mitt Romney.
The new Tyrone Poll indicates the largest lead yet for President Obama, with over 80% of respondents saying they will vote to reelect him, while only 12% said they would vote for Romney, and 7% being undecided.
The Tyrone Poll sampled 722 voting-aged individuals at a Jay-Z concert in Philadelphia last weekend.
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WASHINGTON (BHN) - October is being celebrated as "LGBT History Month" in elementary and secondary schools across the nation. The observance is the handiwork of Kevin Jennings, founder of Gay Lesbian Straight Teachers Network (GLSEN). Jennings was appointed as “safe schools” czar by President Obama.
Notable historic homosexual pioneers include D.A.F. Marquis de Sade, champion of sodomy and pederasty (man/boy sex), Harry Hay, founder of the modern gay movement and outspoken defender of NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association). NAMBLA was founded by leading gay activists including David Thorstad (who also founded the Gay Activist Alliance) and Thomas Reeves, who wrote "Almost every one of the early openly homosexual writers was a pederast."
According to a GLSEN spokesman,"The message of LGBT History Month is that homosexuals have made this a better society. Oh yeah, and that boning a really young guy in the butt is great fun."
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UNITED NATIONS (BHN) - In his address to the United Nations today, President Barack Obama was careful not to use the word "terrorism," preferring instead to categorize the murders of Ambassador Stevens and his staff as part of the regional unrest provoked by a cheesy YouTube video.
Obama sympathized with rioting Muslims, vigorously condemning the video and saying "millions" of Americans shared their outrage at the poor production values and bad acting in the 14 minute piece.
The President likely went on to espouse the goodness of Islam, and probably call for religious tolerance and understanding, or something along those lines (we apologize, at this point we inadvertently fell asleep.)
Artist's rendition of President Obama addressing the UN
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NEW YORK (BHN) - President Obama reacted to Iran's latest threat to destroy Israel by refusing to meet with Benjamin Netanyahu, and choosing instead to appear on "The View."
A military spokesman in Iran today warned they may preemptively attack Israel on multiple fronts, referring to the coming battle as "World War Three." Netanyahu's desperate attempts to confer with the President while both are in New York City have been met with chilly indifference.
The White House continues to downplay Obama's refusal to meet Netanyahu, calling Iran's threats and Israel's fears over those threats "noise."
The Obamas have appeared numerous times on The View.
President Obama recieves his usual warm reception on The View
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WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Obama administration scrambled Friday to repair damage done by their latest attempt to placate angry Muslims in the Middle East.
Barely 24 hours after the White House's last failed effort to reach out to the Islamic world, Muslims are in an uproar over a video released by the State Department showing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suffering a "Janet Jackson" style wardrobe malfunction while apologizing to Muslims.
For reasons yet unknown, the video also features a flag in the background bearing what appears to be a satanic symbol.
The White House issued an apology, and is reportedly editing the video for later release.
Secretary of State Clinton suffers wardrobe malfunction in video addressing Muslims
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WASHINGTON (BHN) - An attempt by the Obama administration to placate Muslims angry over a controversial video has apparently backfired.
Thursday morning the White House released an image of Muhammad done by a California artist, titled "Muhammad Seeks Truth." The gesture was meant to offset publicity over the video, and "give honor to the greatest prophet the world has ever known."
Unfortunately, it appears no one actually reviewed the painting (below), which depicts Muhammad picking his nose while holding the Koran. The image has led to a new round of riots and protests throughout the Middle East.
The White House has issued an apology.
Portrait released by White House "Muhammad Seeks Truth"
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BIG HAIRY NEWS - A recently released video is credited with causing a widespread outbreak of violent protests and riots.
Angry crowds vented their rage at the video they claim depicts them in a negative light, by attacking churches, setting fires, looting, and overturning cars.
"How dare that cracker say I'm not a victim! I am a victim of motherf*ckers like him, and I sure as hell do deserve to be supported," said Lashonda Jackson as she protested with approximately 200 other '47%ers' looting a Detroit Foot Locker store. "Barack understands, this 'Rommy' motherf*cker don't."
Incidents of unemployed/government supported Obama supporters attacking Mormon churches, Romney campaign locations, and looting retails stores were reported in Chicago, Philadelphia, Detroit, and other cities with large urban populations.
Chicago Obama supporters protest outside a local Mormon church
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BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - The CEO of this news organization announced Monday the establishment of a fund to finance breast augmentation for Princess Kate Middleton.
Big Hairy News owner and noted philanthropist Scooter Van Neuter said the idea for the fund came in response to recently published photos showing Middleton topless at a French resort.
"I can't stand idly by and watch someone suffer," a tearful Van Neuter told reporters at a press conference announcing the fund, "As a prince, William simply deserves more."
During the press conference, Van Neuter displayed a check representing his personal contribution, as well as an artist conception of what Middleton will look like after the procedure (below).
Scooter Van Neuter establishes Middleton breast augmentation fund, artist conception of augmentation
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WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Obama administration has taken the unprecedented step of pressing media and private parties to refrain from portraying the Prophet Muhammad (Peas Be Up On Him) in a negative manner.
In light of these developments, Big Hairy News has decided to discontinue the publication of a series of paintings anonymously submitted by an unknown artist. The series, reportedly titled "Muhammad - Retard Prophet," consists of four works: "Muhammad With Hooters In Fishnets," "Mohammad With Girlfriend," "Muhammad With Bong," and "Muhammad With Love Doll."
We sincerely apologize to anyone who may have been offended by these works, and will continue to work with the government to identify the criminal that created them.
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NEW YORK (BHN) -First lady Michelle Obama this week repeated her assertion that obesity is one of this country's most dire national security threats.
Speaking on the Dr. Oz television program, Obama said, "Well, if you get too fat, you can't join the military. With no soldiers our country would be completely unprotected."
New national security threat
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BENGHAZI, Libya (BHN) - The Obama administration apologized to Muslims yesterday for a YouTube video that apparently provoked the killing of Ambassador Christopher Stevens and three Marines in Libya, and the ransacking of our embassy in Egypt.
Reports indicate the White House ordered over 500 "Lobster Grams" to be sent to religious leaders in Egypt and Libya, each accompanied by a personal note from the President expressing regret for the video's criticism of their religion.
The White House today publicly backtracked on the apology, but refused to comment on the Lobster Grams.
Libyan Muslims celebrate killing of Americans with 'Lobster Grams' from President Obama
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CHICAGO (BHN) - The Chicago Teacher's Union stepped up its efforts today to wrench huge pay and benefit increases from this nearly-bankrupt city.
Large groups of striking teachers wearing communist red shirts marched on City Hall waving signs, while families scrambled to care for tens of thousands of kids stuck at home.
Despite the union's attempt to justify their outrageous demands by bizarrely portraying the children as somehow benefiting, many protesting teachers were more honest (below).
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CHICAGO (BHN) - In a city already plagued by runaway crime, corruption, and years of liberal mismanagement, Chicago's Teacher's Union has struck that city after refusing an offer for a 16% pay increase.
Chicago's teachers are already among the highest paid in the country, averaging over $76K a year before benefits. Despite the extravagant pay, Chicago kids test among the lowest in the country, leading many to question why the city doesn't fire the greedy "educators" and bring in real ones.
Union president Karen "The Hut" Lewis, defended her union's decision to strike, saying, "Yo, give us the f*cking money or little Johnny will be 25 before he graduates, b*tches."
Chicago Teacher's Union president Karen "The Hut" Lewis schools city, taxpayers
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CHARLOTTE (BHN) - Former president Bill Clinton energized his fellow Democrats last night at the DNC with a rambling, somewhat disjointed speech trumpeting the successes of the Obama administration.
While the address was well-received by the capacity crowd, some reports say his best performance may have been hours later in a Marriott Hotel service elevator (below). "He's still got it," said one star-struck hotel employee.
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CHARLOTTE (BHN) - The Democratic National Committee has changed the venue for Barack Obama's keynote speech from a 70,000 seat outdoor arena to an indoor 20,000 seat building, because of fears of a possible lightning strike.
According to DNC insiders, it's not the less-than 20% chance of rain, or the obvious fact the stadium would have 50,000 empty seats during Obama's speech, but the possibility that God may be real that prompted the move inside.
"Look, none of us obviously believe in God," said one DNC official, "but getting rid of any mention of Him, the whole abortion and gay marriage thing, holding up Teddy as some sort of saint - well, let's just say we can't take that chance, all of us sitting outside in one place."
Before making the move, the DNC received assurances from geologists that the indoor venue is not sitting on a fault line - just in case.
UPDATE: The DNC has announced they are putting a reference to God back into their platform language. They still don't believe in Him, but realize some badly needed independent voters may.
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BIG HAIRY NEWS - A new study unexpectedly shows that the quality of life in most of America has spiked - literally in the last several days!
Dramatic increases in average intelligence, courtesy and politeness, self sufficiency, moral and ethical values, coupled with reductions in drug and alcohol abuse and overall crime have suddenly made most of America a much more pleasant and safe place to live.
The only exception to this trend appears to be isolated in a relatively small portion of North Carolina, where every major quality of life indicator has declined almost overnight, quickly making this area a veritable hellhole in comparison to the rest of the country.
Analysts believe this to be a coincidental short-term pattern that reaccurs almost exactly every four years.
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BIG HAIRY NEWS (BHN) - The "Reverend" Sun Myung Moon passed away Sunday at the age of 92.
Moon claimed to be the Messiah, and said his existence was a fulfillment of Biblical scripture concerning the return of Jesus. The charismatic leader was incredibly wealthy, having parlayed his follower's donations into a multi-billion dollar empire, now presumably controlled by his ten children.
Unfortunately, despite his claims of divinity, Rev. Moon's last words were reportedly, "Hey, is it just me, or is it getting f*cking hot in here?"
"Hey real Jesus, why do I have an apple in my mouth? Jesus? Crap!
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