World News Bureau

Celebrities Make Obama Planned Parenthood Video

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Celebrities have cut a two-and-a-half minute video for Planned Parenthood's political arm to encourage votes for President Obama.

The video titled "Yes We Plan" alludes to the difference between Romney's right-to-life beliefs versus Obama's unwavering support for unrestricted abortions, including liberal favorite partial birth, and his healthcare plan's mandate that employers cover birth control for free.

The Planned Parenthood Action Fund video shows actress Julianne Moore and musicians Mary J. Blige and somebody calling himself "Q-Tip" standing with representatives of the group, backed by music from Bryan-Michael Cox. 

 

Celebrites shill for abortion provider Planned Parenthood, Obama in "Yes We Plan" video 

Christie: "A Sh*tstorm Of Biblical Proportion"

TRENTON  (BHN) - New Jersey governor Chris Christie pulled no punches Tuesday morning, labeling the current situation in typically blunt terms.

"This place is an absolute disaster - commerce is at a standstill, individuals already jobless are barely hanging on, and we're up to our asses in crap," the outspoken governor said on Fox News. "This Obama administration is a freaking sh*tstorm of Biblical proportions. Barry and the Wookie gotta go."

DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz was quick to come to the President's defense, calling Christie's comments "crude and hurtful," to which Christie later replied, "I've got your crude and hurtful right here, freakshow."

 

 

Key Demographics Favoring Obama

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Latest polling shows President Obama commanding a solid lead with several key groups of likely voters. 

"We know our base will be there for us, as it was in 2008," said Obama campaign spokesperson Laqueefa Johnson. "The fact we've created and hold a commanding lead in the "free phone" and other key demographics should give us a comfortable edge."

 

 

Obama Accidentally Voted For Romney?

CHICAGO (BHN) - According to a Chicago poll worker, President Obama accidentally voted for Mitt Romney Thursday, using a touchscreen machine.

"I think he (Obama) got a little confused, and entered his vote for Romney," said the poll worker. "He called me over to help, but it was all messed up. I told him we'd have to cancel it out and start over but with all the cameras there, I guess he decided to just let it ride - I thought it was kind of funny."

An Obama campaign spokesperson had no comment concerning the report, but did say the ballot was "unusually complicated."

 

President Obama struggles to vote, accidentally picks Mitt Romney

Liberals Panic As Obama Sinks

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Many high profile Democratic supporters have transitioned from "concerned" to "Threat Level Midnight*," as the Obama campaign gains downward momentum.

The latest example comes from this panicked appeal for "emergency" funds from Barbra Streisand:

Dear Comrade,

For the love of Gaia PLEASE F*CKING HELP US!!!!  

The Democratic Party urgently needs your help, NOW. We’re just weeks from the most important election in our history and every single thing Democrats like you and I spent a lifetime fighting for - killing babies, Godless perversion, class and racial warfare, socialism, appeasement, the proliferation of welfare and the eradication of the military, green energy hysteria, amnesty for illegal immigrants - is on the line!

That would be a disaster for America and we can’t let it happen! Please rush an emergency contribution RIGHT F*CKING NOW while there’s still time!!  

President Obama needs you. I need you. The millions of parasites needy individuals suckling at the sweet teat of government need you! 

Thank you,



Babs Streisand

PS: F*CKING DO IT NOW!!

 

Barbra Streisand (file photo)

*Great Scott Films International 2011 - all rights reserved

 

October Surprise: Obamas Nearly Divorced

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - Amid recent rumors that the Obamas nearly divorced, comes new information that the cause was allegedly an affair by Michelle.

"She (Michelle) was absolutely infatuated with this guy, and Barack found out," an acquaintance reports. "Supposedly divorce papers were even drawn up."

The source claims the affair came to light after the future first lady was hospitalized with a near-fatal hairball. Shortly afterward she reportedly ended the affair.

While the mystery man's name isn't known, a recently uncovered photo indicates he may have been a figure well known and popular in the late 70s and early 80s.

 

Michelle Obama and mystery man, circa 1994

 

Obama: I Thought Bayonet Was A Crossbow

WASHINGTON (BHN) - This morning President Obama sought to marginalize his failed attempt to belittle Mitt Romney's military knowledge during last night's debate.

"Look, what I meant was correct, I just didn't know that a bayonet is a knife-thing, I thought it was like a medieval crossbow or something," the President told reporters.

Concerning the President's ignorance over seemingly all things military, a Romney spokesman commented, "No wonder the servicemen and women hate him."

 

 

God Endorses Romney

HEAVEN (BHN) - The Romney campaign received a major boost this morning with the announcement that God Himself is officially endorsing Mitt Romney for President.

Pope Benedict XVI made the announcement during an unscheduled news conference early Monday, telling reporters The Almighty had instructed the Pontiff to relay His choice to the world.

"With the exception of his bizarre religion, The Great I Am likes everything about Mr. Romney, and wholeheartedly endorses him for President of the United States." 

Democratic Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz was quick to criticize the endorsement, saying, "Democratic voters could really care less what somebody so wrong on abortion and gay marriage thinks." She then pointed out that President Obama has garnered his own notable endorsements, including Vladimir Putin, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, and Honey Boo Boo.

 

New Evidence Obama Knew Truth About Embassy Attack

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - Newly discovered information casts further doubt on the Obama administration's claim it originally did not know the Benghazi embassy was attacked by terrorists.

Evidence anonymously released Friday indicates the White House knew the true nature of the attack, literally within an hour of the tragic event.

The following is a transcript of a telephone call received at the White House on September 12th at 6:32 AM:

White House operator (WH) - Hello, White House operator, may I help you?

Caller - Yes, I be the terrorist leader of group that keel everyone and burn up feelthy American building just now.

WH - May I ask where you are calling from, Mr. Terrorist?

Caller - Benghazi, Libya you infidel! Make sure we get credit - this attack not because of that Muhammad movie! We are terrorists!

WH - What's the weather like in Libya? It's just starting to cool off here...

Caller - It's very pleasant, especially near the flames of your burning embassy. They say it may rain tomorrow.

WH - That's nice. I'll make sure and relay the message that you terrorists were responsible for the attack, not that stupid movie.

Caller - Thank you very much and DEATH TO AMERICA!! Halalalalala!!

Unconfirmed reports claim Hillary Clinton is secretly responsible for the release of this transcript, in a behind-the-scenes effort to safeguard her anticipated 2016 presidential run.

 

 

Newsweek Ceasing Publication - Over 200 Readers Affected

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Newsweek magazine announced today that it will cease publication at the end of the year. 

The magazine, published since 1933, has experienced a sharp decline in readership - roughly proportionate to its increasingly hard left editorial bent. There is no word how this move will affect Newsweek's roughly 225 subscribers.

One positive aspect of the move is that President Obama and first lady Michelle will now have more free time, thanks to not having to pose for monthly Newsweek cover story photos.

 

 

Obama Campaign Calls Debate "Retard Rodeo"

WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia (BHN) - Tuesday's presidential campaign debate featured a town hall format with an audience of 80 undecided individuals.

While the debate between President Obama and challenger Mitt Romney was notable for its intensity, the biggest shocker was the fact the organizers were able to locate and assemble 80 people this incredibly dim.

One Obama campaign staff member referred to the debate as a "retard rodeo," while a Romney worker called it "Planet of the Pinheads, featuring Jabba The Hutt." 

No explanation was given as to why these people could not form a decision after being saturated with information about the two candidates for months, even years.

 

Moderator Candy Crowley and audience of undecided voters

 

Crowley, Obama Prepare For Romney

WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia (BHN) - After several days of intensive preparation for the upcoming debate, President Obama spent last night alone at his hotel "boning up," according to his campaign.

Moderater Candy Crowley was seen at a local restaurant preparing herself for tonight's debate by carb-loading healthy quantities of fried chicken and red wine, shortly before retiring early to the same hotel where the President is staying.

An unnamed Obama campaign staff member insisted there was "absolutely no truth" to the rumor Crowley conferred with the President somewhere around 2:00 AM.

 

Michelle: "We're In Midst Of Huge Recovery & My Ass Isn't Big."

WASHINGTON (BHN) - First Lady Michelle Obama said Friday in a radio interview that the U.S. is "in the midst of a huge recovery." 

“I mean, we are seeing right now that we are in the midst of a huge recovery. Right?  Because of what this president has done," said Mrs. Obama. "And by the way, my booty is normal sized.”

This new economic news will no doubt come as a great relief to those Americans who have been struggling for the last four years.

 

 

Obama: Biden Performance Due To Medication

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Obama campaign Friday attempted to thwart criticism over Joe Biden's manic performance during his debate with Paul Ryan.

"Look, we know Joe may have had a reaction to some medication he's taking, that's all," DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz told reporters. When asked, she declined to name the medication, but our sources report the Vice President is currently taking Prozac, Zoloft, Trafranil, Nardil, and "fairly large" quantities of codeine cough syrup.

Reports that Biden was seen smoking what appeared to be methamphetamine and "huffing" spray paint shortly before the debate, if true, could also explain his uneven performance.

 

 

Biden Injured Demonstrating "Rope-A-Dope"

DANVILLE, Kentucky (BHN) - Vice President Joe Biden inadvertently injured himself Thursday morning while demonstrating a boxing maneuver.

When asked what his strategy was going to be in tonight's debate with Paul Ryan, Biden replied with the question "you ever see me rope-a-dope?" He then went into a boxer's stance and threw several punches, at least two of which hit the elder statesmen in the face.

Biden was taken to an area hospital where he was reportedly treated for a chipped tooth and soft tissue injuries.

 

Vice President Biden demonstrates "rope-a-dope" for reporters

 

Obama Wears Symbol Of His Antichrist Faith

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Closeup shots verify the gold ring Barack Obama has worn for over 30 years is adorned with the first part of the Islamic declaration of faith, the Shahada: "There is no god except Allah."

The Shahada is the first of the Five Pillars of the antichrist religion of Islam, expressing the two fundamental beliefs that make a person a Muslim: There is no god but Allah, and Muhammad is Allah’s prophet. 

Newly published photographs of Obama from the 1980s show that the ring Obama wore on his wedding-ring finger as an unmarried student is the same ring Michelle "Wookie" Robinson put on his finger at the couple’s wedding ceremony in 1992.

 

Obama Suffers Big Bird Backlash

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The latest Obama campaign ad attacks Mitt Romney's promise to stop taxpayer subsidies to PBS and features Sesame Street character Big Bird. The ad is drawing harsh criticism from both parties, and even Sesame Street itself.

Negative comments about the ad have come from such traditional Obama cheerleaders as Politico, MSNBC, and ABC. Sesame Street requested the Obama campaign stop using the ad, issuing the following statement today on their blog site:

"Sesame Workshop is a nonpartisan, nonprofit organization and we do not endorse candidates or participate in political campaigns. We have approved no campaign ads, and as is our general practice, have requested that the ad be taken down right after President Obama is reelected."

 

 

Romney: Obama An "Appeasing Pussy"

LEXINGTON, Virginia (BHN) - In his first major foreign policy address, Mitt Romney accused President Obama of being spineless in dealing with radical Islamists.

"Only a pussy would treat our ally Israel like crap in the hope Islamic jihadists might like us," said Romney. "Hope is not a strategy, and appeasement is not a game plan."

Romney vowed to pursue democratic reforms in the Arab world and reaffirm historic ties to Israel.

 

Mitt Romney slams Obama foreign policy

A Miracle! 114K New Jobs Employ 450K People!

WASHINGTON (BHN) - In what can only be described as a miracle, the September federal government jobs report shows that over 456,000 people gained employment through the creation of only 114,000 new positions!

"Never in history have we witnessed a sudden creation of thousands of single job positions employing multiple individuals," said one business analyst. "It might be a miracle from God, but it's going to be a real bitch for accounting."

Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis bristled at the barrage of accusations accusing the Obama administration of artificially inflating employment numbers a month before elections, telling reporters, "No, really, that's the numbers. I'm pretty sure."

 

Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis gives jobs picture a big "thumbs up"

Chris Matthews: Obama Looked Like A Retard!

DENVER (BHN) - Challenger Mitt Romney came out swinging Wednesday night in the first presidential campaign debate, staggering President Obama with a combination of truth, intelligence, and tenacity.

"Mitty beat the ever-loving snot out of him," bemoaned MSNBC's Chris Matthews to a somber Rachel Maddow. "Obama looked like a retard." Other left wing commentators echoed Matthews' comments.