World News Bureau

News News News!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - "All the delicious news you want, prepared the way you like it, always fresh, never frozen". 

Scientists Identify Bigfoot DNA

Genetic testing confirms the legendary Bigfoot is a human relative according to a press release issued by a company called DNA Diagnostics detailing work by a Texas veterinarian.

The study by Melba S. Ketchum also suggests such cryptids had sex with modern human females that resulted in hairy hominin hybrids.

___________________________________________

University: No Middle Class American White Hetero Males Please

The black female professor teaching Butler University's "Political Science 201: Research and Analysis" class has stated that students in her class must ignore their "American-ness, maleness, whiteness, heterosexuality, and middle class status." 

"Here, let me spell it out: The only people who will graduate this class are poor lesbian foreign students of color," she said. "And if they're vegan communists they'll graduate with honors - guaranteed."

___________________________________________

Obamas To Take $4 Million 20 Day Vacation

While the US economy teeters on a fiscal precipice, the first family is preparing for an extravagant 20 day Hawaiian vacation. According to the General Accounting office, the trip will cost taxpayers "at least $4M - possibly more if Michelle discovers the Fatburger several miles away."

 

The Obamas vacation in Hawaii (file photo)

Bill Clinton Prostitutes Himself

NEW YORK - Former president Bill Clinton has sent out an email soliciting funds to help pay off his wife's 2008 campaign expenses. In the email Clinton offers to bring a contributor to New York to spend the day with him (below).

 

Egyptian Court Sentences Americans To Death

CAIRO (BNH) - An Egyptian court has sentenced to death in absentia seven Egyptians, a Florida-based American pastor, and the Editor in Chief of this site.

The Egyptians were found guilty of being associated with an anti-Islam film that sparked riots throughout the Muslim world, the Florida pastor was convicted for burning a Koran, and Big Hairy News chief Scooter Van Neuter was sentenced to death for posting a series of portraits of the Prophet Muhammad.

"I deeply regret that the Egyptian court took offense to our artwork," said Van Neuter as he made final preparations to move to an undisclosed location. "It was not our desire to disrespect Muhammad in any way. We're sorry."

 

"Muhammad at Disneyland"

Time Editors Hoping To Get Fluked

NEW YORK (BHN) - Time magazine has nominated celebrated hosehound Sandra Fluke as a finalist for 2012 Person of the Year.

Fluke is the Georgetown Law School student who testified before Congress about the desperate need for taxpayers to pay for the thousands of dollars of contraceptives she said she requires every year.

One Time insider says most of their editors have "probably never" had sex, and see Fluke's nomination as their best chance of getting her to visit their office. "While not their first choice, some of these guys are so horny even the crack of dawn isn't safe - she'll do in a pinch," said the employee.

 

Muslims Celebrate Ashura

TEHRAN (BHN) - Muslims around the world recently commemorated Ashura - the solemn day of mourning the martyrdom of the Prophet Muhammad's grandson Hussein in 680 AD at Karbala in modern-day Iraq.

Muslim men and women dressed in black paraded through the streets slapping their chests and chanting, with many men flagellating themselves with chains or cutting their heads until they were a bloody mess. Fathers and mothers cut their children who were too young to do it themselves.

Traditionally, at the end of the day, men who have not died from blood loss bandage themselves, get stinking drunk,  and bugger a nephew in celebration of surviving another Ashura.

 

A Muslim man celebrates Ashura with his son, President Obama plays with first dog, Bo.

 

Truce!

Happy Thanksgiving

 

A traditional Van Neuter Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving 2012 - Turkeys In The White House

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Following tradition, President Obama issued pardons to two turkeys at the White House today. 

 

President Obama (right) and turkey

Obama Assaults, Insults Asian Dignitaries

YANGON, Myanmar (BHN) - On his visit to the nation formerly known as Burma, President Obama inadvertently accosted acting President Thein Sein and prominent human rights activist Aung San Suu Kyi, in addition to seriously mispronouncing their names.

In a country with a culture of modesty and where public physical interaction between the sexes is all but forbidden, Obama lustily hugged and kissed the women, even apparently "humping" Aung San Suu Kyi while doing so, shocking onlookers and local reporters. 

Obama's mispronunciation of President Thein Sein's name was translated as "Little Hot Pot," and he was actually referring to Aung San Suu Kyi as "Horny Chicken Lips."

The White House called the President's mispronunciations a simple mistake, but defended his affectionate overtures as "heartfelt and sincere." An unidentified Obama staff member pointed to the first lady as justification for the President's actions.

 

President Obama appears to hump Aung San Suu Kyi

Obama Restrains Israel While Paradise Stocks Virgins

Tel Aviv (BHN) - In response to Arab sensibilities, The Obama administration is pressuring Israel to hold off from fully retaliating against Hamas, in order to give Paradise time to "adequately stock up" on virgins. 

Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is said to be angry at Obama's interference, telling one military commander, "If Paradise doesn't have enough virgins, that's not our problem. Hamas should have thought of that before firing missiles at us."

A new Jerusalem Post poll shows that the majority of Israelis believe Obama is a Muslim and pulling for Hamas.

 

Hostess Serves Union Death Twinkie

IRVING, Texas (BHN) - After failing to reach an agreement with striking unions, Hostess Brands announced today that it is ceasing operations, laying off all 18,500 employees, and liquidating all assets.

The company’s largest union, the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union (BCTGM), had initiated the nationwide strike after rejecting an offer made through bankruptcy court. Hostess was forced to declare bankruptcy last January after years of union demands had crippled the company's profitability.

In reaction to the news, a union spokesman said, "I'm pretty sure we've got them right were we wanted them. Crap."

Anti-Twinkie/Ho Ho/Sno-Ball/Ding Dong advocate Michelle Obama called the demise of Hostess "really awesome news."

 

Union workers "hang around" vacant plant of former employer Hostess Brands

Obama (Again) Compared To Lincoln

NEW YORK (BHN) - In an interview on NBC's Nightly News, "Lincoln" director Steven Spielberg drew comparisons between the iconic 16th president, and Barack Obama.

"Lincoln advocated things that we hold dear today, like class warfare, gay marriage, and giving everybody a free cell phone," said Spielberg. "He advocated that government can be a positive force for the good of all people, especially if you're lazy and not white."

Interviewer Kevin Tibbles went on to equate the turbulent times of Lincoln's presidency (Civil War, slavery, etc.) with the "partisan bickering" of Obama's. Tibbles' comment reportedly earned him a starting spot in next year's Major Media Special Olympics.

 

Similar: Young Lincoln clears rocks and chops firewood, young Obama fires chopped crack rocks

 

Mrs. Petraeus: Husband Didn't Really Lie

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE: The wife of General Petraeus claims her husband never actually lied about his frequent absences during the time he was reportedly having an affair with Paula Broadwell.

"Well, almost every time I'd call to see if he was coming home, he'd say he was busy "attacking a foxhole," or "stuck in a foxhole," said the General's wife. "I was a little unsure why there were foxholes in Washington - now I get it." 

A colleague of Gen. Petraeus vouched for the General's honesty: "He's a man of honor, he would never lie."

 

Foxhole, fox 

Living With The Democrat Next Door

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - The recent election illustrates the fact that the majority of American voters are now comprised of Godless individuals blissfully ignorant of American and world history, current events, and even candidates' backgrounds and basic ideology. These are today's Democrats.

As a public service, we offer "Living With The Democrat Next Door*," 5 tips to assist normal people in coexisting with this new majority:

1. Do not make eye contact with Democrats! This is important, as liberals are known to be substance abusers and/or obviously mentally unstable. Many support themselves by robbing productive members of society (like you!).

2. If your neighbors are Hispanic, befriend them. Though likely in this country illegally so you can pay for the births of their 10 kids, there is an excellent chance within the next four years they will suddenly become voting U.S. citizens, thereby controlling U.S. politics (and your future) literally forever. 

3. Take the Jesus fish off your car (especially if you like the car). The majority of voters today will see you (and your car) as an enemy of women and gays if they suspect you worship God. The likelihood of vandalism to your car or personal injury to yourself will be reduced if you don't profess faith in any power higher than Lady Ga Ga.

4. Take a second job. The proliferation of Democrats equates to a dramatic increase in people on welfare, food stamps, disability, free health care, and receiving free cell phones. Unfortunately, there is not enough tax revenue to cover these liberal "perks," so those of us who do work will need to earn more. Do your part and get a second or third job.

5. Join a union. If you are not part of a union, you are letting "big business" oppress you by making you work too hard while retaining the power to fire you for inconsequential things like drinking and doing drugs at work. Also, why should college graduates be the only ones making over $100K a year? Until your company is inevitably forced to move to China or go bankrupt, join your liberal friends and get yours ( also see #4).

* Props to Dennis J. for this story idea -

Better make friends with your neighbors - from now on they chart America's future!

Veterans Day 2012

 

Surprise: Last Print Newsweek Features Obama

BIG HAIRY NEWS - In a move that absolutely everyone saw coming, Newsweek is featuring Barack Obama on the cover of its last print issue before transitioning to exclusively online.

The November cover features Obama dressed as Santa Claus, with the caption "The Santa Conquest - Buying the Moron Vote."

During the last four years the Obamas have been constant fixtures on the failing magazine's cover.

 

 

Israelis: We're Screwed, Obama Won

TEL AVIV (BHN) - Israeli Knesset Deputy Speaker Danny Danon decried the fact that millions of American Jews voted to reelect the President, and claimed Obama's win leaves Israel on her own against Iran and its allies.

"Obama’s victory demonstrates that America's Jews are idiots, and we are on our own," said Danon. "Obama has hurt the United States by his naïve leadership in foreign policy, which prefers the Arab world over Israel. The state of Israel will not capitulate before a Godless dickhead like Obama."

Earlier this week, a senior Palestinian Authority negotiator said that if he won reelection, Obama will use his second term to target Netanyahu as the main party to blame for the collapse of Mideast peace talks, as the President has clearly born a grudge since Netanyahu made him cry during a White House visit earlier this year.

 

Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu berates President Obama during White House visit

 

Obama - The Second Coming

"Something retarded this way comes"

Election Day 2012 - Obama Circles The Drain

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Reports from inside the Obama campaign indicate a sense of foreboding bordering on panic, as record numbers of conservative and independent voters pack polling places nationwide. 

"I don't want to say they're completely freaking out," said one Obama campaign worker, "but Barack is chain smoking and I just saw Michelle with a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey and a small ham."

Experts are saying this will be a very close election, with results likely not being known until Wednesday morning at the earliest.

 

George Soros ponders meaning of life, Obama circles drain

 

Final Day: Obama Becomes Religious One Last Time

BIG HAIRY NEWS - In an obvious attempt to counter the pro-conservative letter read in Catholic churches yesterday as well as reconnect with Christians in general, the Obama campaign has mounted an all-out media blitz portraying the President as a conservative "Christian."

In conjunction with the new website "People of Faith for Obama," the TV spot shows Obama looking somber in prayerful settings, while a voice-over describes his strong faith and record of helping the downtrodden - presumably women needing abortions, gay soldiers needing to be married, and individuals needing free cell phones.

The DNC is reportedly worried that evangelical voters will turn out in record numbers tomorrow - for cult member Mitt Romney.

 

Obama campaign website "People of Faith for Obama"