World News Bureau

Chavez On Life Support

HAVANA (BHN) - Sources at the hospital in Cuba where Hugo Chavez is being treated this week told a Spanish newspaper that the Venezuelan leader is in an induced coma, being kept alive by life support equipment. His vital signs are described as being "very weak" and sources say doctors could decide to switch off the machines at any moment.

News that Fidel Castro is at Chavez's side reportedly caused actor Sean Penn to fly into a rage at a Beverly Hills restaurant. Both Castro and Penn are known to be very close to the socialist strong man, prompting rumors of a bitter jealousy between the two.

 

Harry Reid Suffers Self-Inflicted Injury

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (Retard-NV) reportedly suffered a non-life threatening injury Friday. Sources say the injury was self-inflicted but likely accidental.

"Someone said Harry was found naked on the floor in the Senate restroom, suffering from a severely dislocated penis," said the source. "Whatever he'd been trying to do obviously didn't work."

Speculation on Capitol Hill is that the incident may somehow be related to an earlier verbal exchange between Reid and House Speaker John Bohner.