World News Bureau

Police Confiscate Biden's Shotgun

GREENVILLE, Delaware (BHN) - Delaware authorities confiscated Vice President Biden's shotgun Wednesday night from his Greenville residence.

Officers apparently took the gun  in response to Biden's recent comments recommending individuals fire their shotguns through closed doors if they suspect troublemakers are outside. "It was obvious we had to get it (the gun) out of there before somebody got killed," said a police officer on the scene.

Since Biden made the comment, at least 36 Post Office, UPS, FedEx, and pizza delivery people have been wounded nationwide by shotgun blasts fired through closed doors. Four of those injuries are considered life-threatening.

Upon learning  Mrs. Biden was at the home, Greenville Police elected to call in a SWAT team from Dover to get the gun. Thanks to a surprise rear entry there were no injuries, although the front door and a porch swing were destroyed by gunfire from within the residence.

 

Police and SWAT team converge on Biden residence Wednesday night.

Most Earth Species Still Unknown

SAO PAULO (BHN) - According to a leading Brazilian scientist the vast majority of the earth's estimated 13 million species are still unknown.

"Only 1.75 million species have been described," said Thomas Lewinsohn, professor of ecology at the State University of Campinas in Sao Paulo state. "Unidentified species range from large mammals like this one (below) all the way down to micro-organisms, and quite literally everything in between."

Describing all species, he said, could take up to 2,000 years.

 

 

Group Pimping Out Obamas

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Recent shocking reports claim the shadowy liberal big money group "Organizing for Action" is pimping out the President and First Lady for intimate White House sessions.

A source in the organization reports that $500K will buy two hours of "private time" at the White House, and includes "everything but protection - bring your own." 

"For an extra $100K the First Lady agrees to wear a mask, for $250K she'll stay dressed, or for $500K she'll stay out of the room altogether," said the source.

The arrangement appears so improper that even MSNBC's Chuck Todd criticized it, making it easily the worst scandal of the Obama presidency.

 

 

Louis Farrakhan Recruiting Gangbangers

UNIVERSITY VILLAGE (BHN) - Calypso singer-turned false prophet Louis Farrakhan said he intends to recruit Chicago gang-bangers to protect the Nation of Islam.

Speaking at his annual "Saviour's Day" convention, the Hell-bound Farrakhan called gang-banging thugs "natural soldiers" and said they could be taught "the science of war" to become "protectors" of Nation of Islam property.

An anonymous source allegedly from the organization sent us a memo (below) indicating the idea was hatched after Chicago gang-bangers stole and stripped Farrakhan's new Mercedes.

 

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BIG HAIRY NEWS - "If it's news you don't need, you won't find it here."

Chavez "Clinging To Jesus"

CARACAS - Reports out of Venezuela say President Hugo Chavez's condition is not improving, and that he is "clinging to Jesus."

In possibly-related news, Pope Benedict today called on Catholics to pray for "Heavenly dryer sheets." 

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Obama Looks To Sharpton For Economic Advice

WASHINGTON - President Obama met with Al Sharpton and other "African American Leaders" to get their input on "ways to strengthen the economy for the middle class and build ladders of opportunity for those striving to get there."

Economists are anxiously waiting to see how the President will incorporate "race-baiting blackmail" into achieving the stated goals.

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Detroit Named "Most Miserable City"

DETROIT - Residents of Detroit celebrated Forbes magazine naming their city "most miserable" by rampaging through the streets unsuccessfully seeking something not looted or destroyed to loot or destroy. 

Ultimately, the only major damage reported was 64 Asian and 187 white individuals beaten/raped/robbed, thanks to a strong turnout by the city's remaining 49 police officers.

The DNC called the fact that Democrats govern 18 of the 20 cities "pretty much coincidental."

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Soledad O'Brien Out At CNN

NEW YORK - CNN has announced Soledad O'Brien will be leaving their morning show. The anchor was known for reading Wikipedia while interviewing guests.

"We're going a different direction," said one producer. "The idea is to get someone intelligent that people want to watch."

 

 

Questions Surround First Lady's Portrait

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The release Wednesday of Michelle Obama's second term portrait by the White House has brought a flurry of questions concerning its accuracy.

Many point to the First Lady's more feminine arms, apparent breasts, and "less Klingon-like" forehead as evidence the photo was altered.

Spokesman Jay Carney admitted that "normal" airbrushing was done to the photo, but nothing more. Unfortunately his statement was later found to be less than truthful when the original photo was leaked by unidentified sources inside the administration (below). 

 

Was the official White House portrait of the first lady altered? Original and released versions.

Republicans Offer Own Gun Alternative Protection

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Speaker of the House John Boehner introduced a Republican answer to the numerous recent Democratic suggestions on protecting one's self without a gun.

Dubbed the "oh crap hat" by the press, the device is simply a women's hat with a pull down shade used to scare off attackers. 

"This example is infinitely smarter than anything any of the Democrats have come up with, which is to say it's ridiculously retarded," said Boehner at a press conference Wednesday morning. "We're just trying to make a point."

Reports say at least one company is seeking permission to manufacture the device.

 

Republican gun alternative suggestion

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New York City Rounding Up Mentally Ill

New York City (BHN) - Police and authorities in the Big Apple are making a major push to sweep the streets of dangerous, mentally ill individuals.

The move follows a pair of high profile subway-shove fatalities as well as recent incidents on city streets involving obviously-unhinged individuals.

 

 

Exclusive: Killer Ex-Cop Corpse Photo

BIG BEAR, California (BHN) - Many liberals are saddened with the news that California authorities have conclusively identified the remains of killer fugitive ex-cop Christopher Dorner amid the rubble of a cabin burned during a standoff with police.

Through sources inside the Los Angeles Police Department we have obtained exclusive photos of Dorner's charred remains. (Caution - not for sensitive viewers)

 

Alleged charred remains of killer ex-cop Christopher Dorner

Shocker: Congresswoman Was Recently A Slave

WASHINGTON (BHN) - In a stunning revelation, Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (RTRD-Tx) took the House floor to announce she had recently been freed from slavery(!)

"I stand here as a freed slave because this Congress came together," said an emotional Jackson Lee as a collective gasp rose from the gallery.

Apparently Jackson Lee, well known for her lack of even rudimentary intelligence, took literally a comment made on this site last year referring to her as a "slave to stupidity." Over the next several months many of her colleagues, including fellow Democrats, had her do their laundry, shopping, and in some cases, even house cleaning.

Last week after having her pick up dog poop and clean windows, John Boehner told a grateful Jackson Lee that as House Speaker he was officially granting her "freedom."

Rep. Steny Hoyer (RTRD-Md) called the ruse "all in good fun," and went on to praise Jackson Lee's "incredible laundry skills."

 

"Slave to stupidity" Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee 

Obama SOTU Blamed For Suicides

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama's State of the Union speech is being credited with causing a large number of suicides across the country last night.

Authorities believe many Americans were anxiously looking forward to the President's plans for reversing the nation's almost-inevitable economic collapse, only to hear his strategy is the same as his first term's - spending huge amounts of borrowed money on worthless "green" and temporary infrastructure projects.

In addition, proposed tax increases on business owners combined with raising the minimum wage and the implementation of Obamacare virtually guarantee depressed corporate growth and continued high unemployment for the foreseeable future - apparently too much for some to bear.

Most of the deceased were business owners.

 

 

White House: Brennan Not Muslim

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The White House is denying accusations that President Obama's nominee for CIA head is secretly a Muslim, converted in Saudi Arabia as part of a counterintelligence operation.

FBI agent-turned-anti-Islam activist John Guandola claims Brennan not only was converted into a radical Muslim by foreign operatives, but has since "brought known Hamas and Muslim Brotherhood leaders into the government and into advisory positions."

White House spokesman Jay Carney called the recently leaked photo (below) of Brennan dressed in an Arab disha dasha and kufi, reading the Quran on a prayer mat in the Oval Office while the President looks on "meaningless." 

 

President Obama looks on while John Brennan reads the Quran in the Oval Office

Pelosi Comments Spur Insanity, Possession Fears

WASHINGTON (BHN) - There was concern Sunday that Nancy Pelosi (Retard-CA) may had suddenly gone insane or worse after comments she made on Fox News Sunday.

While discussing the astronomical increase in government spending during the current administration, Pelosi said, "It is almost a false argument to say that we have a spending problem, we have a budget deficit problem."

The statement resulted in the show's producers summoning an ambulance and a priest due to fears Pelosi had either "gone insane or maybe become demon possessed."

When reminded she had once argued to the Pope that Jesus Christ would have approved of abortion, the ambulance and priest were cancelled. "I guess we forgot she's just not very smart - that's way different than being insane. The possessed part we're still a little unsure of," said one producer.

 

 

Iran: Proof New Fighter Jet Not A Hoax

TEHRAN (BHN) - In response to western claims that a recently introduced Iranian fighter jet is a "pathetic hoax," Iran presented evidence Friday they say proves the Queefer F-313 Air Death is a real, functioning aircraft.

A posted video purports to show the now-infamous Iranian astronaut/pilot putting the jet through its paces over mountainous terrain. 

"A hoax would not be able to do the advanced and deadly maneuvers of the Queefer. Let this be a warning to all who doubt the danger our weapons represent," an English voice-over says while a camera records a small, terrified monkey strapped into what appears to be an out-of-control r/c airplane.

The video ends abruptly with the craft suddenly going inverted then heading straight down, as an unidentified liquid splatters the cockpit.

 

Obama Really Gets Religious

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Barack Obama spoke this morning at the National Prayer Breakfast, where in an apparent effort to blunt criticisms of his past performances, spoke at length about his personal deep Christian faith, and even lapsing into tongues at one point.

"As Christians we place our faith in the nail-scarred hands of Jesus - I know I do every day. Every morning I hit my knees and I pray to Jesus that my faith won't fall through those nail holes. Oh, sweet Jesus shamalama dingdong, Lord have mercy!"

Sources report Obama was later seen unsuccessfully attempting to exorcise Nancy Pelosi.

 

 

Gay Boy Scout Uniform Photo Leaked

IRVING, Texas (BHN) - Another photo apparently showing new uniform design and badges for gay Boy Scouts was released today, indicating the organization will be admitting gay members and leaders.

 

Boy Scouts To Admit Gays

IRVING, Texas (BHN) - The Boy Scouts are meeting this week to reportedly drop the national ban on gay members and leaders. The decision is likely to be announced Wednesday.

Leaked photos showing a revised Boy Scouts poster featuring what appears to be a new sodomy merit badge (below) indicates the decision has already been made.

Former Boy Scout leaders and activists on Monday delivered a petition with 1.4 million signatures to Boy Scouts headquarters in Irving, Texas urging the organization to end its ban on gay members and leaders. "There's many of us who believe we can deeply and firmly influence these beautiful boys - we just need access," said one activist.

 

Obama A Crazed Gun Nut?

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Fans and critics alike are questioning President Obama's anti-gun stand in the wake of photos posted showing him shooting numerous people and objects with a shotgun.

Below is but a few of the literally hundreds of recently publicized photos.

 

White House Readying Hagel Replacement

WASHINGTON (BHN) - In the wake of Chuck Hagel's disastrous performance Thursday in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee, sources in the White House say President Obama is preparing a replacement nominee.

"It's obvious Hagel's toast, so the President is preparing another nominee based on the same criteria he used to pick Chuck Hagel," said the source. "The new nominee for Defense Department head will be a rubber dog toy."

Upon hearing news of the replacement, Sen. Inhofe remarked, "Sounds like Bo picked this one - it's definitely an improvement over the last guy."

 

President Obama confers with his replacement for Chuck Hagel