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BIG HAIRY NEWS - American women have spent over $61 million to obtain arms like first lady Michelle Obama. The plastic surgery required combines arm lengthening, implants, and liposuction to produce freakishly scrawny, long limbs with large biceps.
"She's my girl, what she do, I do. Straight up, yo," said enhanced arms recipient, Shawanda "Taffy" Johnson (below).
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PHOENIX (BHN) - Following a recent series of public announcements by athletes and celebrities proclaiming their homosexuality, popular media news personality Scooter Van Neuter announced Monday morning that he is "normal."
"At this point in my life I feel compelled to tell the world about my sexual orientation," an emotional Van Neuter told reporters. "I have finally found the strength to proclaim to you all that I am not a homo. I am, in fact, completely normal. There, I said it."
Van Neuter's comments drew immediate condemnation from prominent liberals and gay advocacy groups. "While it certainly took courage to make his statement, by not being gay Van Neuter is inferring all other celebrities are somehow abnormal," said one well known lesbian TV personality. "I hate him."
Big Hairy News owner Scooter Van Neuter: "I'm not gay."
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WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama made history Friday as the first sitting US president to address Planned Parenthood, the world's largest abortion provider.
The President was wildly received by the audience as he entered the room carrying what appeared to be a bloody aborted fetus. Reaction somewhat cooled when he admitted it wasn't real, but the overall affect was still successful, and established a lighthearted tone for the event.
The highlight of the President's address was applauding Planned Parenthood's 333,964 abortions performed in 2011, a new all-time record. Obama beamed and gave the "thumb's-up" during the following lengthy standing ovation, then laughed as he watched the audience frantically rip the prop baby to pieces after he playfully tossed it into the crowd.
With a 100% rating by abortion advocacy group NARAL, Obama is widely regarded as being one of the strongest voices for killing babies among all professed born-again Christians.
President Obama delights Planned Parenthood audience with fake aborted fetus
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NEW YORK (BHN) - Bill Clinton joined Twitter as @billclinton following encouragement from friends and comedian Steven Colbert.
The popular former president wasted no time getting into the social media spirit, reaching out to "regular people" with lighthearted banter and photos (below).
Sources say wife Hillary was opposed to the move by her husband for reasons unknown.
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WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Barack Obama revealed the strategy he and First Lady Michelle Obama have been using to keep their daughters away from tattoos.
Speaking on NBC's "Today" show in a segment originally filmed before the Boston Marathon bombings, President Barack Obama said, "We told the girls, 'If you guys ever decide you're going to get a tattoo, then mommy and me will get the exact same tattoo, and we'll go on YouTube and show it off as a family tattoo.'"
No mention was made of the tattoo first lady Michelle has had since college (below).
Michelle Obama tattoo (file photo)
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LA JOLLA, California (BHN) - Scientists at the Scripps Institute in California have discovered a way to turn a patient's stem cells into brain cells.
In related news, noted philanthropist, Big Hairy News owner Scooter Van Neuter, announced Tuesday the establishment of the Van Neuter Scientific Trust For Brain Cell Development, a charity created to provide Rep. Nancy Pelosi (Retard-CA) with the funding needed to participate in advancing this research.
"When I heard this could be done, I was like OMG, this could really help some people," Van Neuter said during an interview on NBC's Good Morning America. "The obvious person that came to mind was Rep. Pelosi, and I just felt I had to do something - the need was so strong."
Possible future recepients of the charity include Maxine Waters, Sheila Jackson Lee, and of course, Chris Matthews.
Big Hairy News owner Scooter Van Neuter gives back, recepient Rep. Nancy Pelosi (Retard-CA)
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ISTANBUL, Turkey (BHN) - Secretary of State John Kerry said on a trip to repair ties with Turkey that the death of innocent civilians at the Boston Marathon reminded him of the Turkish militants killed onboard the ship Marmara.
Nine militants were killed during attempts to rescue Israeli commandos who had been severely wounded and captured by activists aboard the vessel. Seven Israelis were wounded during the operation.
The militants killed on the ship were armed with "flares, night vision goggles, 150 bullet proof vests, 200 gas masks, several dozen slingshots, 200 knives, 20 axes, 50 wooden clubs, 100 assorted iron bars, etc," and had violently attacked Israeli soldiers in an effort to kill them.
Kerry's comments were so bizarre that even one Turkish TV station referred to Kerry as "a traitorous retard who deserves to be killed by his own countrymen."
"Traitorous retard" John Kerry (file photo)
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BOSTON (BHN) - Boston bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev was sent to Paradise early Friday morning in a hail of bullets and shrapnel. His accomplice and brother, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, escaped and is being sought by authorities.
Tamerlan was a devout Muslim who achieved martyrdom through jihad against his bitter enemies: strangers watching a foot race.
The Prophet Muhammad welcomes Tamerlan to Paradise
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WASHINGTON (BHN) - Vice President Joe Biden reacted angrily Wednesday to the Senate's defeat of legislation controlling gun sales and ownership.
Biden was clearly seething while President Obama castigated those responsible for the defeat in an emotional address that eclipsed his earlier performance following the Boston bombing.
Afterward, the Vice President was reportedly overheard saying to the President, "I swear to God I'm going to get my shotgun and cap those insensitive c*cksuckers - every f*cking one of them."
Sources claim a Secret Service agent later patted down the Vice President for weapons, reportedly at the request of President Obama.
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PYONGYANG, DPRK (BHN) - The North Korean military is now claiming leader Kim Jong-Un personally carried out the bombing attack in Boston.
"Our glorious and brave leader carried out his threats with a strong action deep in enemy territory," claimed the statment released Wednesday morning.
A photo (below) posted by the DPRK News Agency purports to show Kim planting a pressure cooker bomb at the marathon.
Sources report North Korea has become increasingly angry with the lack of attention their threats have received since the Boston bombing.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un plants bomb at Boston Marathon (DPRK News Agency)
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BOSTON (BHN) - The FBI has issued a drawing (below) of the individual they are seeking for questioning in connection with the Boston terrorist attack Monday.
The man is described as black or dark-skinned, and was last seen wearing a dark hoodie. Anyone having information on this person is asked to contact the FBI immediately.
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PYONGYANG, DPRK (BHN) - North Korea on Monday celebrated founder Kim Il-Sung's birthday with festivities throughout the capitol city.
After a nearly two week public absence, leader Kim Jong-Un was shown waging war on an ornately-decorated birthday cake. North Korean news reports say the cake was "utterly defeated," and praised Kim's prowess over "baked goods and enemies alike."
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PYONGYANG, DPRK (BHN) - Reconnaissance indicates North Korea has stopped military maneuvers in order to set up for their biggest celebration of the year - observing founder Kim Il-Sung's birthday.
Workers are busily adorning Kim's statue and mockups of missiles with thousands of flowers. Everywhere are slogans hailing the military and reminders of the threats that North Koreans feel are all around them.
"It is because we have a nuclear deterrent like nuclear weapons that we are able to live our normal lives of starving to death," said Dik Mi Siri, a Pyongyang greenhouse worker who contributed to the display.
Workers adorn base of Kim Il-Sung statue in Pyongyang
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IN EARTH ORBIT (BHN) - Shocking photos released this morning by the North Korean military show leader Kim Jong-Un commanding his forces from a death star reportedly in orbit somewhere above South Korea.
In a hastily-called news conference, South Korean General Suk Mi Dik exclaimed, "Hory Crap, we didn't even know Kim had death star! He saying to his enemies, 'Rook at my big space penis, it gonna rain death and destruction from above."
The startling images send the strongest indication yet that the aggressive, yet plush Kim is continuing to send out startling images.
South Korean and United States forces in the region reacted to this latest threat by staging wiener dog races and an ice cream social in Seoul.
Kim Jong-Un and his top generals on bridge of death star
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These startling images send the strongest signal yet that the fiery, yet plush Kim is sending out more startling images.
South Korean and United States forces in the region reacted to the increased threat by staging a talent show and hot dog eating contest outside of Seoul.
Kim Jong-Un in his secret hidden mountain base
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PYONGYANG, DPRK (BHN) - Photos released this morning by the North Korean military show leader Kim Jong-un has moved to a secure underground bunker presumably in preparation for an expected missile launch, possibly tomorrow.
The startling images are the latest from North Korea in recent days showing the fiery, yet plush, leader pretending preparing to wage war.
South Korean and United States forces in the area reacted to the increased threat by staging a fashion show and art fair in Seoul.
DPRK leader Kim Jong-Un and his top generals take cover in underground bunker
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DPRK (BHN) - New photos out of North Korea show leader Kim Jong-Un now threatening South Korean and United States forces with incineration and/or poison gas attack.
This is the latest in a series of escalating threats by the brash new leader, and by far the most ominous.
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DPRK (BHN) - New photos out of North Korea show leader Kim Jong-Un commanding what is reported to be a ballistic missile submarine sailing toward South Korea.
"Last week he was in the war room, then targeting artillery, yesterday he was putting gas in missiles, and now today he is heading this way in a deadly submarine," said South Korean admiral Ima Si Monki , "Kim is increasing his aggression by saying to his enemies "look at my big floating penis - it gonna blow."
This is the first time the North Korean leader has been pictured personally commanding a submarine, and is seen as a strong indication he may be planning to attack.
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DPRK (BHN) - New photos out of North Korea show leader Kim Jong-Un personally fueling missiles reportedly pointed at US targets.
"Last week he was in the war room, yesterday he was mounted on artillery, and today he is putting gas in missiles," said South Korean general Hung Lik Mes. "Kim is increasing his aggression by saying to Americans "my tall penis is ready to launch - it coming your way, roundeye."
This is the first time the North Korean leader has been pictured personally preparing a missile, and is seen as a strong indication he may be planning to attack.
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DPRK (BHN) - New photos out of North Korea show leader Kim Jong-Un personally manning artillery reportedly pointed at South Korea's capitol city, Seoul.
"Last week he was in the war room, now he's mounted an actual weapon," said South Korean general Mi So Hoeni. "Kim is increasing his aggression by saying to his enemies 'my penis is big and ready to let loose.'"
This is the first time the North Korean leader has been pictured straddling a weapon, and is seen as a strong indication he may be planning to attack.
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