World News Bureau

New Yorker Features Gay Bert And Ernie

New York (BHN) - In celebration of the Supreme Court's finding the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional, this month's New Yorker Magazine cover features Muppets Bert and Ernie in a gay "embrace."

"It’s amazing to witness how our society has abandoned God and anything close to traditional morals in my lifetime," said the artist behind the cover.  "This is great for our kids, a moment we can all celebrate - at least until we get to Hell."

Sesame Workshop continues to insist that Bert and Ernie are merely best friends. "They remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation."

 

 

Obama Africa Trip Generates Excitement, Fear

DAKAR, Senegal (BHN) - The First Family landed in Dakar on Wednesday and met with the Senegalese president and his wife on the first leg of a highly-anticipated tour of Africa. 

At the presidential palace, Senegalese First Lady Marieme Faye Sall appeared to bolt as Mrs. Obama approached, only to return after conferring with an aide. President Macky Sall and his wife then greeted President Obama and First Lady Michelle, and posed for photos with Mrs. Sall standing well away from her counterpart.

Sources say Mrs. Sall's reaction may have been due to a "tragic childhood jungle primate encounter" that resulted in the death of her cousin and serious injuries to herself.

 

First Lady Marieme Faye Sall, President and Mrs. Obama, President Macky Sall 

U.S. To God: "Piss Off"

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The United States stepped up its efforts to provoke God Almighty today, as the Supreme Court ruled the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional.

The ruling federally blesses the unnatural union of same sex individuals. Coupled with its sanctioning of abortion and the removal of God from schools and government, this latest move virtually guarantees some sort of cataclysmic response from Our Creator. 

Anal Lube flew off the shelves as proponents of gay marriage celebrated the victory, while many normal people stepped up their efforts to prepare for the inevitable coming disaster. "I don't need to read the Bible to know what's coming," said one Christian woman stocking her pantry, "a history book will suffice."

 

Same sex couples celebrate Supreme Court DOMA ruling

Hillary PAC Selling Merchandise

MCLEAN, Virginia (BHN) - An unofficial super-PAC working to draft Hillary Clinton for president in 2016 has launched an online store.

The store features T-shirts and buttons emblazoned with what appears to be a cross between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton's face and the words "Ready" in block letters, and "for more of the same" in smaller type below it. 

Demand for the new merchandise is reported to be "light."

In related news, another new online site run possibly by a Chris Christie PAC is offering its own similar merchandise.

 

Bathroom Victory For Transgendered Child

DENVER (BHN) - A 6-year-old boy pretending to be a girl transgendered child has won the right to use the girls' bathroom at school.

The New York-based Sexually Confused Legal Defense Fund filed the complaint on behalf of the Godless progressive liberal retards parents Kathryn and Jeremy Mathis, after the little boy little girl whatever was made to use the teachers' restroom.

The parents were happy with the decision. "All we ever wanted was for Coy’s school to treat her/him the same as other little boys masquerading as girls."

A school official said the school will now spend $25K to renovate the girls bathrooms with urinals, "so little Coy doesn't p*ss all over the seats."

 

 

Dubai To Build Holy Quran Park

DUBAI (BHN) - Plans to construct a theme park called "Holy Quran Park" have been announced by the General Projects Department of Dubai Municipality. The park is expected to be completed by September 2014 according to project director Amah Dekhed.

The theme park located in Al Butc'rac will present highlights associated with the Quran, including the Prophet Muhammad receiving revelations while being possessed, Muhammad raping his 9-year-old bride, Muhammad and his men slaughtering and beheading infidels, the coming annihilation of all Jews and Christians, and much more.

Unique touches to the display include pools of simulated blood and roving gangs of period-dressed Muslims pretending to behead and rape Western visitors.

 

Holy Quran Park visitors receive simulated beheadings (photo provided)

School Named After FLOTUS

PANORAMA CITY, Ca. (BHN) - School board members have approved a plan to rename a San Fernando Valley elementary school after First Lady Michelle Obama.

The campus, which was opened last August to relieve overcrowding at nearby elementary schools, focuses on healthy eating for students, a cause championed by Mrs. Obama’s "Let’s Move" campaign.

The renamed school will feature a statue of the First Lady walking the First Dog, Bo (artist rendition below).

 

 

New NPR Headquarters Has It All

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Visitors are getting their first glimpse of National Public Radio's stunning new corporate headquarters building.

From the renowned architectural firm that designed it, to the extensive array of luxury amenities throughout, the taxpayer supported organization didn't skimp on the details. The building boasts its own gourmet chef, fitness center, hookah lounge, "wellness" center, chapel, gay bathhouse, indoctrination center, and rooftop beehives, garden, and Ashtaroth pole.

 

New NPR headquarters chapel

FLOTUS Hair Draws Criticism

BELFAST (BHN) - Michelle Obama's speech at the G8 Summit drew a firestorm of criticism because of her long bangs hanging in her face.

Watchers bombarded Twitter with negative comments, especially when the first lady did nothing to remove a large amount of hair that found its way into her mouth:

"WTF!! Mooch must think that wad of greasy hair is a french fry!!"

"Look out Barry, hairball alert!"

"Michelle needs to go to the dentist to get a haircut!"

"Last time I saw a face like that, it had a banana sticking out of it."

Mrs. Obama removed the hair at the conclusion of the mostly-undecipherable address.

 

Obama Intimidated By Putin's Big Stick

BELFAST (BHN) - Sources say U.S. President Obama is dreading his showdown with Russian stud Vladimir Putin at the G8 summit.

"The Syrian army has crushed the rebels thanks to Putin's providing Assad with everything from missiles to heavy artillery," said British Prime Minister David Cameron. "Now six months too late, Obama announces he's sending some handguns and a box of bullets to the rebels. Putin's wielding the big stick, Obama may as well be wearing a dress."

White House aides anticipate the cocky Putin will flaunt his diplomatic virility in the face of the impotent Obama, and hope to cut the meeting short.

 

 

 

Pope Responds To Pelosi

VATICAN (BHN) - Pope Francis today responded to Nancy Pelosi's (Retard-CA) recent remarks where she cited her Catholic faith in defending late term abortion, by performing a remote exorcism over her photograph.

The ceremony, normally carried out in person, was performed at St. Peter's Basilica. Witnesses claim the large photo of Pelosi being held by a Bishop gave off acrid smoke as the Pope sprinkled it with holy water.

"Time will tell if this was successful, the evil possessing Mrs. Pelosi was obviously very, very strong," said a Vatican spokesman. "Using the adoration of Christ as reason for killing innocent little children is about as bad as it gets."

A Pelosi staff member bristled at suggestions her boss was demonic, saying, "There's a big difference between being incredibly stupid and being possessed by evil. A big difference."

 

Pope Francis performs a remote rite of exorcism on Rep. Nancy Pelosi

NFL Players Union Selling Gay Shirts

NEW YORK (BHN) - A union that represents NFL players has launched a line of extremely gay shirts.

The announced launch on Wednesday was in conjunction with LGBT Pride Month, which is June.

"Tight End" shirts feature the name and jersey number of an NFL player likely showering by himself for the rest of his short career.

As a safety precaution to the wearer, sources say the shirts may come with a warning label advising the clothing not be worn to NFL games.

 

 

Bill Clinton 2013 Father Of The Year

NEW YORK (BHN) - Former U.S. President Bill Clinton is officially 2013’s "Father of the Year" thanks to an award Tuesday from the non-profit National Father’s Day Council.

"With the possible exception of his numerous adulterous affairs, including diddling a girl young enough to be his daughter while in the White House, Mr. Clinton has displayed the type of character we seek in awarding this honor," said one council member.

 

"Who's your daddy?" Father of the Year honoree, Bill Clinton

 

Time: Rahm Taking Chicago For A Ride

NEW YORK (BHN) - Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is featured on the June cover of Time Magazine.

The cover story highlights Emanuel's notable accomplishment of transforming Chicago from a fetid sewer of crime and corruption into something actually worse - the poster child of Democratic governance.

 

 

Hillary Does Social Media

WASHINGTON (BHN) - In likely preparation for a 2016 presidential run, Hillary Clinton is hitting the social media sites.

The move is seen as the first step in rehabilitating Clinton's persona from inept, lying, profane shrew to that of a nurturing, wholesome mother and wife.

"It's the equivalent of convincing the country that a narcissistic socialist pot-smoking Muslim would make a great president. It's definitely doable," said one political analyst.

 

 

 

 

 

News News News!

BIG HAIRY NEWS - "News so fresh, it falls off the bone."

Today's top stories:

Russia Threatens US With Nuclear Annihilation

MOSCOW - Hey Putin, slow down on the vodka, comrade. Next story.

_________________________________________

Bishops Claim Pope Francis Is A Space Alien

VATICAN CITY - Oh please, like we didn't already suspect this. Next.

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Financial Markets Collapse Imminent!

NEW YORK - This is why all my money is in collectible plush toys. Next story.

_________________________________________

FLOTUS Nearly Chokes To Death On A Cheeseburger

WASHINGTON - A swing and a miss - maybe next time! Next.

_________________________________________

Justin Bieber To Perform In Space!!

HOLLYWOOD -  The world is reeling with the news today that entertainer Justin Bieber will soon be going into space. Adding to the giddy anticipation is the likelihood he may perform, possibly while making a new music video!

Virgin Galactic owner Richard Branson confirmed in a Tweet that Bieber and his manager Scooter Braun have signed up for an upcoming space flight. Sources say no date has been set at this time.

Tweeted Branson: "Great to hear @justinbieber & @scooterbraun are latest @virgingalactic future astronauts. Congrats, see you up there!" Bieber replied: "Let's shoot a music video in SPACE!!"

Fans like yours truly are fervently hoping the young star will be given enough room to remove his space suit and "slouch around" the craft while lip-syncing one of his awesome hits!! We heart you, Justin!

 

Space cadet Justin Bieber - a star among stars

 

FLOTUS Promotes "Prancercise"

WASHINGTON (BHN) - As part of her "Let's Move!" initiative, First Lady Michelle Obama is promoting the popular new exercise "prancercise." The new fad mixes jogging, dance moves, and prancing.

Obviously taking a cue from the viral video of prancercise creator Joanna Rohrback, Michelle Obama on Wednesday released a twelve minute video of herself "prancercising" around the White House grounds.

The video was later removed from the White House website, reportedly in response to "an avalanche" of undisclosed complaints.

Let's Move!: Michelle Obama "prancercises" at the White House 

Sebelius "Going For The Kill"

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Abortion advocate and Human Health and Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius appears to be going for an "extremely" late term abortion, in denying the desperate pleas of a dying 10-year-old Pennsylvania girl in need of a lung transplant.

Even some GOP congressmen have joined the little girl and her family in literally "begging" Sebelius to intervene, only to find their pleas falling on deaf ears.

A source close to the HHS secretary said it's no surprise the requests have been in vain. "Everyone knows Kathy would rather see kids aborted. Expecting her to give a crap about a sick one who lived would be a fantasy - she's going for the kill."

 

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius

Gitmo - The New Club Med

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba (BHN) - Jihadists, both real and otherwise, are working overtime to get into the US prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, as news of the camp's amenities get around.

Detainees enjoy delicious meals, endless varieties of sports and outdoor activities, and a multitude of classes such as "Introduction To Painting Nudes" and "Fun French Cuisine."

After adding so many luxuries to the camp, even non-jihadists from locales such as Puerto Rico and Santa Monica are attacking US targets in an attempt to vacation there.

"Thanks to the recession I wasn't able to afford Sandals anymore," said Michael David from Baltimore. "Gitmo is every bit as good, and it's free. Outside of the beating, It was well worth traveling to Iraq and slapping a Marine."

Highlights of the camp include a new water park, Jazzercize studio, and go-cart track.

 

Gitmo detainees enjoy their new water park

Atheists Launch Hotline For Hellbound

NEW YORK (BHN) - Atheists and secularists are preparing to launch the "Hotline Project," an effort to drag as many people to Hell with them as possible.

Launched by Retards Against Religion, a Hellbound collective of morally and intellectually dim individuals, the Hotline Project says they will be available 24-hours a day, seven days a week to coerce the spiritually naive into eternal damnation apart from God.

"Well, we really don't want to burn forever in Hell by ourselves," said one RR member. "And meanwhile, can you think of a better way to meet people to have sex with? We can't."