World News Bureau

Betty Crocker Goes Gay

GOLDEN VALLEY, Minnesota (BHN) - General Mills, already widely known for its support for all things gay, has now put one of America's most beloved icons, Betty Crocker, behind their efforts. 

When Minnesota begins allowing homosexual duos to legally exchange marriage vows at midnight Thursday, a few couples will be treated to free crappy wedding cake, compliments of Betty Crocker.

Gay rights advocates are applauding Betty's transformation from prim and proper God-fearing housewife to "edgy rough'n tumble" dyke lesbian (below). 

"Even though I'm already big as a Buick, me and my gal will be eating even more cake now," said "Big Jen" Jennifer Orpwort when told of Crocker's coming out.

 

 

CBC Pushing Jackson Lee For DHS Spot

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Congressional Black Caucus is pressuring the Obama administration to appoint Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (RTRD-Tx) as head of the Department of Homeland Security upon Janet Napolitano's exit.

A letter dated July 25 and signed by Rep. Shawanda "Booty" Johnson, caucus chairwoman, urges President Obama to consider Miss Jackson Lee for the position, saying the Democrat "would make a great security guard," and pointing to the fact she is "extremely black."

In response to the CBC's request, the Congressional White Caucus sent a formal letter to President Obama recommending an overweight, mildly-retarded German Shepherd for the post, citing the same qualifications.

 

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (RTRD-Tx), retarded German Shepherd "Princess" 

 

NBC Doing Hillary Clinton Miniseries

LOS ANGELES (BHN) - In an obvious move to promote the likely next Democratic presidential candidate, NBC has ordered a four-hour miniseries based on the life of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Diane Lane will play the role of Clinton. The actress is reportedly on a strict regimen of bed rest, Cinnabons, and pummeling her face with a sock full of quarters to prepare for the role. Bill Clinton has not been cast yet.

The project will be written and directed by Courtney Hunt and recount Clinton's life from her time living in the White House as First Lady to her tenure as Secretary of State. No word yet if Hunt will accurately portray Clinton as the cursing, F-bomb-dropping shrew who terrorized her White House staff and regularly screamed and threw objects at her serial-adulterer husband.

 

Diane Lane, Hillary Rodham Clinton

Another Weiner Girfriend Discovered

NEW YORK (BHN) - Yet another woman sexting with Anthony Weiner has allegedly been discovered.

Unidentified sources within the DNC Friday released photos and screen captures of steamy texts reportedly between Weiner and an unidentified African American woman.

Mayoral hopeful Christine Quinn said the photos illustrate "just how horny Weiner is for anything even vaguely resembling a woman, regardless of species," and called for him to "please kill himself for the good of all mankind."

 

New unidentified Weiner girlfriend?

Weiner's Penis Acted Alone

NEW YORK (BHN) - As yet more photos of Anthony Weiner's penis surface, the ex-Congressman is seeking to distance himself from the scandal.

"I'm not about to deny that's my Johnson, it is, but I do deny sending photos of it to these women," Weiner told reporters Thursday morning. "Like most men, my penis definitely has a mind of its own, but I absolutely do not condone it sending photos of itself to anyone."

To back up his claim, Weiner showed reporters a photo purported to be his penis operating a camera in front of the mirror.

While denying any wrongdoing connected to the lewd photos, Weiner did admit to sending "a few spirited texts" to several women during a time of marital discord.

 

Anthony Weiner's weiner allegedly photographing itself

Geraldo Stroking Weiner?

NEW YORK (BHN) - Sources claim Geraldo Rivera and Anthony Weiner have been trading explicit texts.

Screen captures released Tuesday allegedly show Rivera flirting with Weiner, possibly in an attempt to draw him out. Among the numerous candid photos subsequently exchanged was one of the ex-Congressman with his penis dressed as Star Wars character R2-D2 (below).

 Requests for comments from Weiner and Rivera have so far been ignored.

 

 

Exclusive First Photo Of Royal Baby

LONDON (BHN) - Through our exclusive sources at St. Mary's Hospital, we are pleased to release the first photo of the royal son delivered to William and Kate (below).

The child, dubbed "Baby Harry " until the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge announce his name, was born at 4:24 PM in London (11:24 AM New York time). He weighed in at 8 pounds 6 ounces, and was born with full head of red hair.

 

Royal son of William and Kate

Man Shot Wearing "Justice For Trayvon" Shirt

CHICAGO (BHN) Police are blaming a man's "Justice for Trayvon" tee shirt for his injuries after he was shot at a pro-Trayvon Martin rally Sunday. 

Witnesses say Anfonee Jackson was shot by at least several individuals when he showed up at the gathering organized by the Rev. Al Sharpton.

Jackson, who had apparently been drinking heavily all day, was wearing a new "Justice for Trayvon" tee shirt (below) he had just received from online retailer "Thugfail." 

Relatives say Jackson obviously didn't inspect the shirt closely, and called his shooting "a big ass mistake."

 

 

Obama: I Was Just Like Trayvon

WASHINGTON (BHN) - President Obama addressed the Zimmerman verdict by doubling-down on his comment last year that if he had a son, he'd look like Trayvon Martin. Speaking from the White House Friday, Obama said, "Trayvon could have been me 35 years ago."

However, friends of the young Obama called the President's comparison far-fetched.

"Maybe in some ways Barry was like Trayvon - he lived to get high and was obviously destined to never hold a real job," said one fellow "Choom Gang" member. "But the only person Barry ever beat upon was himself, if you know what I mean. Hey, I once saw him get knocked out by an 11-year-old girl. Also, I don't think Trayvon's mom was a slut."

 

Young Barry Soetoro: Not quite Trayvon Martin

Shocking New STD Spreading

ATLANTA (BHN) - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) are warning of the spread of a shocking new sexually transmitted disease.

The Vagilisrottus STD, commonly referred to as "Melon Head," is usually spread through contact with prostitutes and sex workers. Symptoms include dramatic weight loss in the body, swelling or enlargement of the head (hence the name), mutation of the hair follicles, and increasing mental retardation and paranoia.

At the present time there is no cure for this disease - prevention consists of abstinence or the use of condoms.

 

"Rev." Al Sharpton and new girlfriend out on the town

NAACP Condemns Trayvon PSAs

WASHINGTON (BHN) - An effort to calm racial tensions inflamed by the Zimmerman verdict continues to create controversy, as the Negros Allied Against Cracker Peoples (NAACP) joined a growing list of groups decrying a new series of public service announcements featuring Trayvon Martin.

"I axe you this, is somebody paying Trayvon for these, or is whitey drillin' him again?" asked NAACP president Rev. Booker "Eight Ball" Washington. "Somebody better pay up."

Trayvon PSA originator Scooter Van Neuter responded by agreeing to pay Martin for his appearance in the ads, pledging to give Rev. Washington $10,000.00 on the condition he "deliver it to Trayvon personally."

 

Trayvon Martin PSA urges lawful activity

Dead Trayvon PSA Draws Criticism

BIG HAIRY NEWS - New public service announcements featuring Trayvon Martin urging calm in the wake of the Zimmerman verdict are drawing heavy criticism from a number of groups.

Internet news agency Big Hairy News CEO Scooter Van Neuter defended his company's creation and use of the PSAs: "It's become obvious that only Trayvon himself can calm the anger on the streets, so that's who we went with. I don't see anything wrong with it."

One ad features Martin urging African Americans to not beat and rob whites, while another urges blacks and white guilt-afflicted caucasions to not loot Korean shops. Van Neuter promised more ads if needed.

 

Controversial PSA urges calm, no violence

Zimmerman Spotted In Public

OLATHE, Kansas (BHN) - Apparently unafraid for his safety, George Zimmerman was spotted in Kansas gassing a rental car Monday morning.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was him," said an employee who snapped a photo (below) of what appears to be Zimmerman filling up an SUV at a suburban Olathe convenience store.

The photo contradicts reports that Zimmerman would be in hiding for an extended length of time after being found not guilty in the death of Trayvon Martin.

 

No fear: George Zimmerman appears in public 

Judge Nelson: Conflict of interest?

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - An anonymous source has released a photo (below) that could potentially provide the basis for an appeal, should George Zimmerman be found guilty of the murder of Trayvon Martin.

The shocking photo features a woman somewhat resembling Judge Debra Nelson, in the arms of a young black man wearing a hoodie and holding what appears to be a bag of Skittles. 

Details of the photo such as its authenticity and where and when it was taken are unknown at this time, but legal experts are already calling it a "magic bullet" for the defense, should the State prevail.

 

Jungle love get out of jail card for Zimmerman?

Zimmerman Jury Instructed To Find Him Guilty Of Something

SANFORD, Florida (BHN) - In obvious anticipation of George ZImmerman being likely found innocent of murder charges, Judge Debra Nelson ruled Thursday that the jury will now have the option to convict Zimmerman of any number of lesser charges, including manslaughter, slavery, excessive noise (gunshot), personal property damage (hoodie), public property damage (head hitting sidewalk), littering (Trayvon), and felony screaming like a girl.

The defense unsuccessfully objected to the additional charges, as well as the fact that all jurors are now wearing hoodies.

On a lighter note, a Zimmerman defense attorney was chided by the judge for agreeing with the prosecution's demand of "justice for Trayvon" by suggesting they "dig up his body and shoot him again."

 

George Zimmerman reacts to additional charge possibilities, jury in hoodies.

Company Introduces Caucasion Protection

PHOENIX (BHN) - In anticipation of race riots following a likely 'not guilty' verdict in the George Zimmerman trial, clothing retailer Thugfail introduced their new line of "Safecracka"(TM) caucasian protection hoodies Wednesday.

Thugfail CEO Scooter Van Neuter described the hoodie at a Phoenix press conference:

"We are all about diversity here, and have had great success marketing our Trayvon Thugfail (TM) hoodie to people of color. I wanted something for our white customers so we came up with the Safecracka (TM) model. Hopefully, it will prevent some unprovoked beatings."

The innovative new hoodie features a deployable "raging thug" image and reversible Star Wars / "Kill Whitey" insignia. The Safecracka (TM) is available in black, gray, white, and retails for $45.

 

 

Newspapers Refuse To Run Pro-Life Ad

CHICAGO (BHN) - Saying the ad is "too controversial," several major U.S. newspapers are refusing to run a pro-life ad showing a 20 week-old baby (below left).

The Chicago Tribune, USA Today and the LA Times refused to run the advertisement created by Heroic Media, a national pro-life organization. They later reportedly agreed to run the ad with "minor modifications" (below right). 

 

 

SFO Crash Cause- Photo Points To Pilot

SAN FRANCISCO - (BHN) - A photograph (below) released today appears to implicate the pilot as the likely cause of the South Korean plane crash Saturday that left two people dead and scores injured.

"We have evidence that the pilot of Asiana flight 214 was an elderly Asian woman," said an NTSB investigator. "Anyone who's ever driven a car can figure this one out. Who or why they let her drive a commercial airliner full of people, we don't know yet."

Certain disaster: Elderly Asian woman allegedly piloting Asiana flight 214

TSA Issues Ramadan Advisory

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Transportation Security Administration has issued a travel advisory outlining activity connected with the Islamic holy month of Ramadan, which begins next week.

Here is an excerpt:

Male passengers observing Ramadan will abstain from any food, water, smoking or vices of any kind, except for the usual sodomizing of young boys and beating their wives. Women observing Ramadan will likely be cowering and/or bleeding.

Passengers observing Ramadan may be more likely to engage in prayer at airports or on airplanes, and the killing of Jews and Christians wherever they can find them, than at other times during the year.

Before prayer, Muslims cleanse or wash certain areas of the body and may be observed doing so in airport restrooms. Fortunately (and unfortunately), these areas do not include the genitals or anal area.

Ramadan begins this year on Tuesday July 9, and ends on Thursday August 8, 2013.

 

Traditional Ramadan gift card 

Happy Independence Day!

"Patriots' Dream"