World News Bureau

Assad Mounts Preemptive Attack!

DAMASCUS (BHN) - In a shocking and unexpected move, Hafaz al-Assad, son of Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, mounted a preemptive attack against President Obama Thursday, igniting an online battle that threatens to trigger an international war.

"Hey Barry, you were supposed to attack us within 48 hours, what are you waiting for, you little pussy?" asked Assad in the surprise Facebook post at 4:56 AM. The obviously unprepared Obama retaliated with "I know you are but what am I?" which only seemed to embolden the young Assad. The skirmish quickly escalated from there:

Assad: That all you got, you scrawny pothead? Maybe you should let that big-assed morphodite Mooch fight your battle - at least she's got balls!

Obama: Tell me where you are so I can send a cruise missile to blow your ass up, you little carpet-kisser

Assad: Sure - I'm upstairs with Mooch. I'm using her giant thighs to crack coconuts hahaha :P

Obama:  I will fly a Tomahawk right up your butt, YOU LITTLE RETARD

Assad: Did your teleprompter tell you to say that? BTW, Mooch asks if you know where her flea collar is?

Obama: I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY 

Assad: LOL :)

 

 

LEAKED - Obama Strike Plan Against Syria

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Through confidential sources inside the Pentagon, we have obtained an exclusive copy of the Obama administration's planned military offensive strategy against Syria (below).

A top Israeli commander called the plan "about what we expected."

The White House is reported to be outraged at the leak and has pledged to identify and prosecute those responsible.

 

 

Mysterious Crime Wave Hits Capital

WASHINGTON DC (BHN) - Perplexed authorities in the nation's capital are seeking answers for a mysterious and unexpected sudden increase in crime.

A dramatic wave of robberies, beatings, carjackings, drive-by shootings, drunkenness and drug abuse literally commenced overnight, and has been steadily increasing since. Police are scrambling to keep up, as jails quickly fill.

"We don't know what's going on other than the fact we've got beat-up and robbed white people all over the place," said DC Police Chief Willis Washington.

Just as perplexing are reports of a sudden drop in crime in surrounding major cities. 

More on this story as it develops.

 

 

NAACP Pushing "Trayvon's Law"

BALTIMORE, Md (BHN) - The president of the NAACP (National Association for the Accusation of Caucasian Peoples) said Saturday his organization will see that "Trayvon's Law" is soon enacted "coast to coast."

"Trayvon's Law" would impose severe penalties on any Caucasian using a firearm in the course of being beaten/killed by people of color. 

The organization released artwork that will be used to promote the legislation (below).

 

 

Bloomberg Anti-Gun Rally Assaulted

RICHMOND, Virgina (BHN) - Authorities are blaming a sparse turnout for a mob assault on an anti-gun rally in Richmond Thursday.

The rally, sponsored by New York mayor Michael Bloomberg's "Mayors Against Self Defense" organization, apparently drew the attention of a large group of Afro-American teens in the area who savagely beat and robbed the small crowd of 15 people, before ransacking the custom bus. Nine people were transported to area hospitals with mostly minor injuries.

"I don't know where they came from, but they just started hitting us," said one elderly female victim. "They stole my phone while I was trying to call 911. Sorry, but I'm definitely getting a big f*cking gun."

The tour will reportedly provide armed guards at future stops.

 

Black youths beat and rob anti-gun rally bystanders

Obamacare Seeking Superhero

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The Obama Department of Health and Human Services is offering $30,000 in taxpayer-provided prizes for videos that promote the Affordable Care Act.

The contest website, YoungInvincibles.org, suggests "an awesome superhero or action-movie style video, preferably featuring a gay or transgendered individual."

The favored submission currently is a transgendered nurse figure called "Heather Healthcare" (below), who dashes around the country "dispensing medications and performing abortions for free."

 

 

Al Jazeera America Launches

NEW YORK (BHN) - Al Jazeera America took to the airwaves Tuesday with a promise to deliver a hard-hitting brand of journalism backed by a coast-to-coast news organization. Only time will tell whether there are enough "low-information" left wing viewers to make the fledgling network a success.

Interim Al Jazeera America CEO Ehab Ayuna Berow acknowledged the difficulty of winning over potentially skeptical U.S. TV viewers, especially when most intelligent Americans are well aware of Al Jazeera's historical hate for non-Muslims, the United States, and of course, Israel.

Media critics are pointing to such things as Al Jazeera anchors wearing suicide bomb vests and the network's endless airing of radical Muslim clerics damning Israel and the U.S. as possible hindrances to gaining acceptance by conservative viewers.

 

Al Jazeera America hits the airwaves

Clinton Foundation Travel Expenses Suspect

NEW YORK (BHN) - According to tax forms, Bill Clinton’s foundation has spent an incredible $50 million plus on travel expenses since 2003. Our investigation may explain how this was possible.

Sources say almost half of that amount was spent personally by Bill Clinton on travel using "Presidential Airways." The only problem is that Presidential Airways ceased all operations in December of 1989.

After an exhaustive investigation, we have tentatively identified Presidential Airways as actually being Presidential Airways Lucky Massage located in New York's Chinatown district, close to several eateries reportedly frequented by the former president and his friends.

More on this story as it develops -

 

Chinatown's "Presidential Airways" - Bill Clinton's favorite way to fly?

Martha's Vineyard Recovers From First Family

Martha's Vineyard, Mass. (BHN) - Local residents are breathing a sigh of relief now that the First Family has returned to Washington.

In addition to the constant road closures, helicopters in the air, and hundreds of security and media camped out in the area, the Obama's daily bicycle rides left more than one resident traumatized. 

"I was taking my morning walk and all of a sudden what I thought was a circus bear riding a bicycle came flying around the corner - I literally crapped my pants!" said 86-year-old Martha Hemphill. "Closer, I realized it was Michelle Obama. She ripped a fart when she went by."

Locals are signing a petition demanding the First Family vacation someplace else in the future.

 

Look out! Michelle Obama races around Martha's Vineyard

 

NAACP Demands Rodeo Clown Be Arrested

BALTIMORE, Md (BHN) - The NAACP (National Association for the Accusation of Caucasian Peoples) is demanding the Missouri rodeo clown who wore an Obama mask be charged with a federal hate crime.

NAACP president Shuana Waqueefa Johnson told reporters, "Oh, a hate crime definitely occurred. A hate crime is when you use a person's race to depict who they are and to make degrading comments, gestures, et cetera, against them."

The organization is posting wanted posters throughout the country with the clown's picture, including an artist's rendition of what he would look like in disguise (below).

 

 

Live From Cairo - Day 2

CAIRO, Egypt (BHN) Scooter Van Neuter reporting - The situation Thursday morning at Rabaa Al-Adawiya Square appears to be calmer than yesterday, although from my vantage point I can still see a lot of people running around like so many angry over-caffeinated ants. I'm not sure what they're doing, but can safely assume it's nothing constructive.

Little cars like possibly army or police vehicles are everywhere, and the din of military helicopters is all but drowning out the the soft jazz on the stereo. Repeated calls to the front desk have so far failed to alleviate this problem and I may be forced to move to the other side of the hotel and rely on Cocoa to bring me updates on activity in the Square below.

Al Jazeera television is reporting scattered acts of violence throughout Egypt by the Muslim Brotherhood, and I found myself on the front lines this morning when two bearded men wearing nightgowns stared very threateningly at us during breakfast in the hotel restaurant - this whole place just feels dangerous and I fear it may erupt at any moment.

The good news is room service is quite good and barring any major news events, I'm leaving tonight for home.

 

 

Live From Cairo

CAIRO, Egypt (BHN)  Scooter Van Neuter reporting - Egypt's efforts to end Muslim Brotherhood protests apparently escalated Wednesday morning, as shots rang out amid clouds of tear gas in Rabaa Al-Adawiya Square near my hotel.

Before the area was obscured by smoke, from my vantage point I could see what looked to be soldiers or maybe police moving like so many ants into an area where reportedly a large group of Morsi supporters were holding a sit-in. Despite the incredible violence unfolding below, I was amazed by the relative quiet, a mere 38 floors up and two blocks away.

After breakfast I moved to a lower level where I was able to more clearly see the hundreds of people running all over the place attacking each other. At one point after what sounded like gunfire,  I saw either multiple bodies or maybe blankets used in the sit-in strewn about the square. Before I could find out for sure, I had to go back to my room when the pool closed for the day.

Witnesses claim there were dozens of deaths and injuries, and my personal observations don't disprove it - I will update my report tonight after watching the evening news.

For now an eerie calm hangs over the main dining room, where the air is filled with the scent of fear, desperation, and delicious crab-stuffed lobster. 

 

Fighting rages in Cairo's Rabaa Square

Transgender Epidemic Hits California

SACRAMENTO (BHN) - In the wake of California becoming the first state to allow students to access restrooms and locker rooms based on their gender identity, tens of thousands of K-12 males in the California public school system have unexpectedly become transgendered.

School administrators are scrambling to provide restroom and locker room space for actual females, due to severe overcrowding and "inappropriate contact" in the girls' facilities.

"Thank God we did this - we had no idea so many of these poor boys and teachers were transgendered," said one lawmaker. 

 

 

Schools Pushing "Trayvon Dialogues"

SAN DIEGO (BHN) - A San Diego, California school district has voted unanimously to initiate “Trayvon Martin dialogues” among middle and high school students so they can "speak honestly about their identification with Trayvon Martin."

The vote has prompted a backlash from hundreds of parents angry at what they see as the school's encouraging their children to identify with the violent, drug-abusing, thieving, hoodie-wearing Martin.

"Look, it's bad enough these Godless morons are doing everything in their power to turn my kids gay, now they need to be thugs, too?" asked one angry mother. "Here's a suggestion, how about they teach them how to write a legible freaking sentence?"

Authorities are warning the community to soon be on the lookout for "stoned geeky white kids in hoodies" committing crimes.

 

San Diego "Trayvon"

Sen. Boxer Blames Wildfires On Global Warming

COSTA MESA, California (BHN) - Senator Barbara Boxer (RTRD-Ca) on Thursday blamed climate change for wildfires sweeping her state. 

"We are seeing the tragic result of global warming in these fires," said an emotional Boxer. "As SUVs continue to remove oxygen from the air, the resulting heat is warming these trees past the danger point."

Speaking to Republicans in Congress who doubt the existence or extent of climate change, she added, “Open your eyes and see what’s going on - hot trees are catching fire all over the world. Get out of the fringe lane and into the carpool lane."

Orange County Congressman Dana Rohrabacher called Boxer's remarks "insanely retarded, even for her." 

 

Noted climatologist/atmospheric analyst Barbara Boxer explains climate change

Putin Rebukes Obama

MOSCOW (BHN) - The White House is reportedly stinging over Vladimir Putin's televised address Thursday, were the Russian leader challenged President Obama's stated reason for cancelling his visit.

In the address, Putin defended his country's human rights record toward gays, as a video in the background showed a young man wearing makeup apparently working in a government office. Upon closer inspection, the man looks very much like NSA leaker Andrew Snowden. 

Obama spokesman Jay Carney called the images "hurtful and mean-spirited."

 

 

Ebony Milking Trayvon For All He's Worth

NEW YORK (BHN) - Apparently determined to milk every last dime from the death of Trayvon Martin, the new issue of Ebony Magazine is offering multiple covers honoring the young man.

The covers feature average black fathers and sons with the popular "We are Trayvon" catchphrase emblazoned in large red letters. Articles in the magazine discuss the gross unfairness of the "stand your ground" laws (at least for Trayvons), and how they must be repealed.

 

 

Michelle Obama Does Hip Hop

WASHINGTON (BHN) - After failing at the lunch counter, Michelle Obama is turning to hip hop to sell her "Let's Move" initiative to the nation's children.

Calling herself "Lil Mooch," the First Lady appears in a new hip hop video where she raps about healthy eating and excercise. An excerpt:

Yo call yoself healthy, but yo mo like a little slug,

Layin in fron dat TV all day, like yo don even give a f*ck!

Get yo lazy ass off dat couch an twerk it up n down,

Eat yoself some veggies, fool, yo f*ckin  fatt ass clown!

Momma use dose f*ckin food stamps for sh*t to get me fit,

like fruits and nuts n healthy things - not yo usual booze an junk food sh*t!

Let's Move - Lil Mooch copyright 2013 Black House Music - All rights reserved

 

First Lady "Lil Mooch" Michelle Obama squeezes out a healthy rap

Barney Frank, Alpha Democrat

NEW YORK (BHN) - In an apparent move to position himself as the alpha male in Democratic politics, openly gay Rep. Barny Frank (RTRD- Mass) is now also referring to himself as a "pot-smoking atheist."

"This is clearly a move by Frank to become the face of the Democratic Party," said one noted political strategist. "While there are no doubt many other Democrats like him, Frank is the highest office holder yet to publicly proclaim himself a Godless, drug abusing, immoral rump-riding pervert - he's more Democrat than even Obama."

 

Rep. Barney Frank - most Democrat politician?

Immigration March Trashes Capitol

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Dozens of pro-immigration protesters were arrested Thursday while demonstrating why they deserve to be made legal US citizens.

Protesters blocked major streets and government buildings, blasted bizarre horn/accordion music, chanted undecipherable statements in a foreign language, and stole nearly every car stereo and set of aluminum wheels in a four block radius.

Authorities say it will take "weeks" to remove the graffiti covering "everything."