World News Bureau

Pelosi Denies Retirement Rumors

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Rep. Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-Ca) is being forced to deny rumors she's retiring from Congress at the end of the year.

Sources close to Pelosi claim that unbeknownst to everyone around her, the House Minority Leader has been carrying on as a zombie, after unexpectantly dying late last year from a fatal brain fire. The DNC reportedly reanimated her so she could finish her term.

"Look, she smells like diseased feet, couldn't put together a legible thought if her life depended on it, lurches around spasmodically, and has those bizarre, constantly blinking dead eyes. She may act perfectly normal, but trust me, Nancy's been dead for months," said the source. 

 

 

 

It's Time For (Boycotting) Girl Scout Cookies!

Sandra Fluke May Run For Congress

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - Infamous hose beast, Sandra Fluke, is reportedly considering running for Rep. Henry Waxman's Congressional seat.

Fluke achieved fame with her 2012 testimony before Congress where she argued for taxpayer-funded birth control, citing the personal hardship she endured by spending over $3000 for contraception while in law school.

Sources close to Fluke say she "will definitely run if she can figure out a way to do 'Congress stuff' while boning." 

 

Sandra Fluke (file photo)

 

Putin: Obama Turning US Into Godless Swamp

MOSCOW (WNB) - In a recent keynote address, Russian president Vladimir Putin blamed Barack Obama for transforming the United States into a "Godless swamp."

"While Mr. Obama trumpets his "Christianity" at election time, the fruits of his labor afterward have fundamentally transformed his country into a Godless swamp, glorifying perversion and evil over the teachings of Almighty God."

President Putin, working with the Russian Orthodox Church, has embarked on a campaign to diminish the glorification of homosexuality while promoting traditional Christian values in his country.

Russian sources say Putin privately refers to Obama as "The Basterd" or "The Spawn" in reference to the unholy three way sexual union between his mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, and actual father, sex writer and communist Frank Marshall Davis and his wife, that produced the future president.

 

 

 

SOTU Next Day Live Blogging

WORLD NEWS BUREAU EXCLUSIVE 

Live blogging by Scooter Van Neuter  

Due to a scheduling conflict (rerun of Blossom) I was forced to record the President's State of the Union address last night so I could live blog it today. Let's see what's happening.

There's a large room full of politicians. It appears to be a courtroom. In the middle is a watchtower manned by Joe Biden and that orange guy. These two have a great vantage point and are probably doing everything in their power not to spit on the milling underlings below.

President Obama just came out like a rock star. The room is going crazy. Nancy Pelosi is either having an orgasm or pooping a bowling pin. Joe Biden is clapping like a seal on meth, and grinning like he just discovered a free decoder ring at the bottom of his glass of Scotch. Even Michelle Obama looks happy, a glistening film of what appears to be bacon grease coating her feral lips. 

Finally, the President starts talking. What a minute, instead of telling us what the hell is going on, he's reading a children's book off the teleprompter! The tale is about a teacher, doctor, mother, farmer, etc. doing everyday things that make our country the greatest in the world. It's a heartwarming story and I can't help but think of how grateful I am that I'm surrounded by Americans like these, instead of dirty foreigners who eat with their hands and talk like retards. God bless the USA.

After I stop crying, I try to figure out what the story has to do with President Obama or the state of the union. Is the President implying he personally helped these people do heartwarming things or did they do them because he somehow created the proper environment? I'm confused and getting a headache, so I decide to watch an episode of Who's The Boss while I de-lint my navel. 

Afterward, I switch back to the SOTU. President Obama is droning on and on about a bunch of stuff that's so uninteresting I can't even tell what the hell he's talking about. I hop over to Animal Planet and watch a facinating show about the mating habits of fruit bats. I make mental notes to (1) apply what I've learned on my new girlfriend next time she's drunk, and (2) make some interesting modifications to my Batman costume before next Halloween.

Back at the SOTU I'm disappointed yet relieved to see President Obama not talking. He's now strolling around the courtroom shaking everyone's hand like he just cured cancer. I notice Joe Biden evidently peed himself at some point, and make a mental note to monitor Ebay for the chair - it would go great in my home office. 

As the President works the room everyone continues to clap like crazy, even some of the Republicans. The President must have announced something really great at the end, like he moved the Super Bowl to Phoenix, or maybe Kim Kardashian was crushed by a yak. Whatever it was, it was obviously fantastic, and I joined in giving President Obama a standing ovation for it.

Summery: All in all, I felt it was a solid speech. It sounds like the President ran the country perfectly last year, and I really liked the way he looked into my soul while actually reading the teleprompter - only Katie Couric does it better, and that's high praise indeed.

 

President Obama gives State of the Union address (artist rendering)

 

Michelle Seeking $10 Donations

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Michelle Obama sent out an email Monday pleading for $10 donations "to protect" Obamacare.

The email doesn't explain how $10 each from tens of thousands of recepients could protect the ill-fated healthcare debacle, and an investigation into the online address collecting the donations reveals something disturbing that has some Republican leaders calling for an investigation.

"The actual collector of funds appears ultimately to be a Carl's Jr. account, and is set up to purchase a "Western Bacon Six Dollar Thickburger," large chili cheese fries, and large drink," said an internet specialist with McAfee. "The order is then delivered by private courier to 1600 Pennsylvania NW, Washington DC."

The White House denied anything inapropriate, saying the money being collected "is being used for good."

 

2014: Obama’s America

By Gina Miller

 Audio version: 2014 Obama's America

We didn’t have to wait till 2016 to see Obama’s ugly America unfold.  Not many of us would have ever dreamed that the United States could fall to the communists.  And, it still remains to be seen if we will be able to beat them back.  It doesn’t look good at this point, because there is a group of people in power in Washington, and in many of our major institutions, that is aggressively working to tear down America’s foundations of freedom and Godly heritage, and it has the unopposed “power of the sword” to do it.  The people in this group are truly enemies of God and the United States.

READ THE REST HERE

 

Wendy Davis Suddenly A Gun Nut

FORT WORTHLESS, Texas (WNB) - Critics of abortion fanatic and Texas gubernatorial candidate Wendy Davis have been confused lately due to her sudden support of gun rights - until recently she had been an outspoken opponent of unrestricted gun ownership.

Monday morning the mystery appeared to be answered, as Davis outlined her plan to outfit expectant mothers with low-powered handguns and special ammunition allowing them to "more conveniently" terminate their pregnancies by simply shooting their fetuses.

"It's cruel to make these poor girls go all the way to a medical center, when they could reverse their little mistake in the comfort of their own home or tavern," said the candidate at a Monday morning press conference.

The move by Davis appears to be a shrewd means of appealing to conservative gun-loving Texans, while still embracing her core message encouraging mothers to slaughter their unborn children.

 

 

Moon Rover Is Typical Chinese POS

BEIJING, China (WNB) - China is reporting their "Jade Rabbit" lunar rover has malfunctioned barely a third of the way through its mission.

State-run Xinhua news service quotes Outer Space Rocket Flying Agency head Ding Dung Dong as saying the vehicle, made from lawn furniture, an I Phone 4, and a Roomba, didn't "wake up" this morning.

"We not able to getting wake up on Jade Rabbit because of malfunction. Test show problem because it made in China. It a cheap piece of shit for sure."

 

Now That's Entertainment!

ENTERTAINMENT REVIEW by Scooter Van Neuter (WNB) - Last night's Grammy Awards show was everything America has come to expect from the star-studded affair: Godless self-worship, glorification of all things gay, stupid clothes, leftist politics, and naturally (with a few exceptions), an arid soundscape of banal songs and talentless, moronic rapping - all packaged and delivered for an audience with the morals of a crack whore and the combined IQ of a Gummi Bear.

The highlight of the evening was a collection of gay couples (with a few straights mixed in for diversity) getting married while some talent-challenged pale dweeb with a bad haircut named "Macklemore" sang a song (if talking imbecilic rhymes over someone else's music can be called singing).

As Kid Q-tip spit out a seemingly never-ending string of cringe-inducing verses ridiculing conservatives and the Bible while bizarrely extolling the God-given blessings of being sexually mentally ill, Queen Latifah(?) yammered wedding vows in the background in a brain-bleeding collision of aural and visual leftist/humanist idiocy that surely couldn't be topped.

Accept it was.

All of a sudden, none other than legendary talentless human chicken bone Madonna's warbling, painfully off-key voice joined the fray, driving the audience into spasms of earthly delight. The performance had hit high gear, and was careening at the speed of stupid into the bowels of music Hell. I nearly wet myself.

At some point the whole mess mercifully came to a crashing, clanging close, leaving the newly married couples staring into each other's souless eyes, no doubt fantasizing about doing some ecstacy and boning their fellow perverts at the after party.

While it didn't have everything (I didn't see Caligula), this year's Grammys had enough of what contemporary America craves to qualify as real entertainment. 

 

Madonna (file photo)

New Yorkers: Baby Killing Anti Constitutional Sexual Deviants

NEW YORK (WNB) - New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio on Thursday confirmed Governor Andrew Cuomo's official categorization of New Yorkers as being unborn child killing, anti-Constitutional, sexual deviants.

The move has left many in that state and elsewhere wondering exactly how their world suddenly became Htrae.

"All I know is when I went to bed I feared God, was opposed to murdering babies, and embraced the U.S. Constitution. Today I was told by my mayor and governor I need to move because of my "extremist radical" beliefs," said 89-year-old Father Francis O'Keefe. "As far as I'm concerned, those two Godless pinheads can go f*ck themselves."

The criticism apparently had little effect, as de Blasio and Cuomo came together in front of reporters Friday in a show of unity. After answering questions the two politicians French kissed and groped each other for nearly 10 minutes as an example of how "real" New Yorkers behave.

UPDATE: New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio was reportedly treated for an unidentified STD Friday afternoon.

 

Justin Bieber Arrested For DDB

MIAMI BEACH (WNB) - Singer Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach early Thursday morning for DDB (driving douche bag).

"Officers noticed a scrawny young male with bad tattoos and tasteless gold jewelry driving a yellow Lamborghini erratically. After being pulled over, he was identified as being Mr. Bieber and so was charged with multiple counts of being an insufferable little douche bag."

The arrest is the latest in a series of incidents involving the troubled star.

 

First Lady Steals Spotlght

WASHINGTON (WNB) - A TV spot featuring NBA stars promoting Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" inatiative has gone viral, thanks to the First Lady herself.

While the NBA players talk about drinking water, etc., Michille suddenly runs up in the background and dunks a Wendy's "Baconator" though a small hoop being held by one of the players. What happens next has catapulted the video to viral status - Michelle turns to the camera and looking like she's passing the largest bean burrito in history, unleashes a sound best described as a muskox getting its nuts slammed in a car door. 

LeBron James was reportedly treated and released for shock after the take.

Here's a recording of the First Lady's "victory cry": Michelle Obama victory howl

 

 

Iran Honors Agreement, Gets Cash

Qum, Iran (WNB) - Iran honored their agreement with the United States Monday by halting the enrichment of uranium above 5 percent.

In a solemn ceremony at the Qum enrichment facility, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei threw a large switch to the "less nuke" position, as Sec. of State John Kerry looked on. The United States then honored its promise by releasing billions of dollars of funds to Iran.

Kerry called the agreement "an historic success for peace-loving peoples everywhere," although an unidentified aide confided the Iranian switch appeared to be operating the lights in a nearby restroom.

 

Happy SVN Day!

World News Bureau - Today we celebrate the birthday of a well-known and much beloved public figure.

While his accomplishments are notable, what this man has not done is even more so:

• He never plagiarized his doctoral thesis and numerous other academic and public writings. 
• He was never associated with the American Communist Party, nor privately described himself as a Marxist. 
• He was never a serial philanderer, ardent whore-monger, or abuser of women. 

The man whose birthday we are celebrating today is, of course, World News Bureau founder and Editor in Chief Scooter Van Neuter.

Van Neuter achieved fame early in his career with his famous "I Have To Scream" speech he gave at Wichita State University in 1965. An excerpt: 

"I have to scream when I hear those immoral holders of the public trust, our liberal politicians, pushing their agenda of abortion and sexual perversion.

I have to scream when I see the left nurture sloth and disengagement with their vote-buying social welfare programs.

I have to scream when I see generation after generation of progressives and Democrats appease and coddle those who wish to destroy us, always to the peril of our security and that of our allies....."

Those words still hold true today. We join conservatives everywhere in wishing Scooter a very happy birthday!

 

Scooter Van Neuter gives his famous "I have to scream," speech

FLOTUS Celebrates 50th Birthday

WASHINGTON (WNB) - First Lady Michelle Obama was presented with the first of what promises to be many birthday cakes today as she celebrates her 50th birthday.

There was a brief moment of concern when Mrs. Obama appeared to hyperventilate as the large cheeseburger-shaped cake was unveiled, but she quickly recovered after realizing it was only a cake. 

The First Lady's formal birthday party will be an expensive, lavish star-studded affair Friday night.

 

Ready For Hillary #5

Michelle At 50: Cosmetic Surgery And Maybe More

WASHINGTON (WNB) - First Lady Michelle Obama told People Magazine she has no problem with women using Botox and cosmetic surgery to feel better about themselves, and doesn't rule them out for herself.

"I'm sure Barack, like most men, likes female breasts, and I wouldn't mind having at least two someday," said Obama. "And if Botox could smooth out my Klingon forehead, I say why not?"

The First Lady also said that at 50 she will modify her workout routine. "I'm seeing myself shift from weight-bearing stuff – even though that continues to be important – to exercises that will hopefully reduce my gigantic ass."

 

Hollywood Coming Together To Kill Kids

HOLLYWOOD (WNB) - A group of entertainers are coming together for an evening of comedy and music to raise money for the killing of unborn boys and girls in Texas.

The event, titled "A Night Of A Thousand Vaginas Delivering Dead Babies!," will take place in Los Angeles, and is being billed as an "emergency benefit to help Texas women murder their unborn children," in the wake of Texas’ new abortion restrictions passed last summer.

"Next to dissing Christianity and promoting sexual perversion, nothing motivates the Hollywood community like killing unborn kids," said one actor. "We just want to give back."

 

Israel Defense Minister: Kerry Is A Putz

JERUSALEM (WNB) - Israel’s defense minister is quoted as severely criticizing Secretary of State John Kerry over his proposed plan for a peace framework between Israel and the Palestinians.

The front page of Tuesday’s Yedioth Ahronoth details Defense Minister Moshe (Bogie) Ya’alon's candid assessment of Kerry's plan to remove Israeli forces from the Jordon border and replace them with "high tech devices" described as being "inexpensive roving robots equipped with small cameras."

"Only a clueless putz would think a GoPro on a Roomba could protect Israel from the Godless hordes of carpet-kissing rocket jockeys on the other side," Ya'alon is quoted.

In response, Kerry released a statement saying "I do have a clue - a high tech one."

 

Kerry's proposed Israeli Jordan border protection