World News Bureau

Michelle's Diary 1-14-14

Rumors Spread Of Obama Marriage Woes

WASHINGTON (WNB) - White House insiders say the Obama marriage is on the rocks, with the two sleeping in separate bedrooms.

"Much of the reason is Michelle's high fiber diet - her incessant farting is driving Barack away," said one source. "The fact she still resembles something prehistoric doesn't help much either," she added.

The first couple's problems reportedly got much worse after the recent incident involving the Danish Prime Minister.

READ MORE HERE (The Austrailian)

 

Barack and Michelle in happier times

Hillary Rates High On New Poll

NEW YORK (WNB) - While former secretary of state Hillary Clinton ranks dead last on a poll of who the world admires most, the pantsuit diva came in first on a new poll published Monday.

Clinton comfortably edged out Kanye West as the person Americans would most like to see run over by a monster truck in the latest World News Bureau polling.

The results are based on the response of 8700 registered voters, with a +/- margin of .05%.

 

Terrorists Issue Fatwa Against Journalists

NORTHWEST PAKISTAN (WNB) - Pakistan’s most deadly terrorist organization has issued a "fatwa" (Islamic edict) ordering their followers to kill journalists they believe to be enemies of Islam.

The fatwa was issued by the Terik-E-Taliban’s (TTP) Central Shura and includes Fox News, the Associated Press, World News Bureau, the BBC, Pakistan’s GEO News, Al Jazeera and several other news outlets whose logos are on the cover of the document. 

In related news, World News Bureau head Scooter Van Neuter said in a news conference Friday that a series of illustrations featuring the Prophet Muhammad posted in the past on his sites were done by a "rogue" editor, completely without Van Neuter's knowledge.

"The infidel editor has been fired and then beheaded personally by me. I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by the filthy images, praise be to Allah, amen."

 

TV Program Blamed For Male Homosexuality

 This story rated "Retarded"

HOLLYWOOD (WNB) - A prominent scientist claims an unpopular HBO show is contributing to an increase of male homosexuality.

"One of the main characters of the show "Girls," Lena Dunham, is constantly naked," said Dr. Rabishad Mahti. "Unfortunately, she resembles an out-of-shape nursing warthog who's been hit by a bus, therefore causing many men to 'switch teams,' if you will."

Producers for the show recently went into a "rage spiral" when a reporter asked why Dunham had to be naked so much. STORY HERE (Entertainment Weekly)

 

Girl Scouts Go From Bad To Worse

NEW YORK (WNB) - The Girl Scouts have hired Kelly Parisi, a former executive with one of the preeminent abortion advocacy groups in the country, as media spokesperson. 

The move continues the organization's decent into radical liberalism.

My comment: Why any decent, non-Satan worshipping parent would place their daughter into this Godless group is beyond me...

STORY HERE (Breitbart)

Ready For Hillary #4

Gas Pump Global Warming Warning Labels

SAN FRANCISCO (WNB) - A group of Bay Area gays lesbians transsexuals atheists Satanists communists socialists environmentalists has proposed putting labels on gas pumps to remind motorists of the damage caused by burning fossil fuels.

The labels are needed because, "Consumers need to be reminded they suck," Ronnie Earthfeather told the San Francisco Chronicle. Earthfeather represents the deluded imbeciles group behind the proposal.

STORY HERE (CBS San Francisco)

Political Special Olympics

EXCLUSIVE: Found Note May Indict Christie

ATLANTIC CITY - World News Bureau exclusive - A piece of paper found Thursday may be the crucial evidence that ties New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to the bridge closing scandal.

While not mentioning the bridge specifically, the  handwritten note describes orders to "close the f*cking exit" - in and of itself not enough to indict Gov. Christie. However, other evidence contained on the letter does: Greasy fingerprints composed of what analysts confirm to be KFC fried chicken oil.

"There's absolutely no doubt Chris Christie at least had his hands on this note," said New Jersey investigator Gil Braut. 

The Governor's office has yet to comment on the found note.

Sausage Smokers Send STD Rates Skyward

GOMORRAH BEACH, California (WNB) - Gonorrhea and syphilis are increasing dramatically in the U.S., mostly in men having sex with men, a trend the government said is linked to inadequate testing among people stymied by homophobia and limited access to health care horny Godless sodomites humping each other like there's no tomorrow.

"What can I say - these revved-up rump riders will bone anything with a bone," said Gail Bolan, the director of the CDC’s STD prevention division. "It's not just nauseating, it's dangerous."

Health experts attribute the increase to the wholesale promotion of homosexuality through the media, schools, military, and government.

 

White House: Global Warming Causing Cold

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The White released a video Wednesday suggesting that global warming was responsible for the record cold weather throughout the United States.

The animated video featuring a transgendered scientist named "Climate Change Charlie" portrays the overheating earth melting "the Arctic," which causes it to fall down and freeze the United States. 

A prominent Russian climatologist called the video "pure bullsh*t, even by Obama standards."

 

White House's "Climate Change Charlie" teaches climate science

Ready For Hillary #3

Sheila Jackson Lee Redefines Welfare

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee (RTRD-Texas) celebrated 50 years of welfare in a House speech Wednesday by suggesting a way to make it even more popular.

The notoriously dim part time parade float suggested the word "welfare'" be changed to "relaxation incentive."

Jackson Lee reportedly settled on the new term after deciding her original idea, "working cracker gift fund," was too long.

 

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee proves again why she's considered the dumbest human being on earth

Dennis Rodman Kim's Bitch

PYONGYANG,DPRK (WNB) - Dennis Rodman kicked his "bromance" with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un into high gear Wednesday, when the freakshow former NBA star sang "Happy Birthday" to the doughy, little mass-murdering troll (below).

Unconfirmed reports claim Kim had his wife killed when she didn't smile "sincerely" when greeting Rodman on his return.

 

Ready For Hillary #2

Satanic Group Unveils Monument

HELL (WNB) - A Satanic organization has unveiled a design for a monument they want erected at a Midwestern state capitol. 

The proposed 7-foot-tall monument confirms what many people have long feared, and prompted the state's Republican leadership to term the likely of approval "not a chance in Hell."

 

"Rev" Jesse Praises Dennis Jong-Un

DELUSION, Illinois (WNB) -Racist faux reverend, adulterer, and shakedown artist Jesse Jackson praised Dennis Rodman's latest North Korea visit to entertain doughy mass-murderer Kim Jong-un.

Jackson's presumably drunken Tweet implied Rodman, considered by many to possess the IQ of a blender, is somehow on a "diplomatic" mission to do God-knows-what with the little commie troll.

Note: I won't even mention how retarded someone has to be to think "congrads" is short for "congratulations," but I want to.

READ THE UNBELIEVABLE STORY HERE (Breitbart)

Glenn Beck Sides With GLAAD. Really, Glenn?

By Gina Miller

Audio version: Glenn Beck Sides With GLAAD

When we read about a Russian television star saying he believes homosexuals should be burned alive in ovens and stripped of their right to vote (before or after the ovens?), then right off the bat, we know we’re dealing with a hard-core publicity hound or a lunatic, maybe both.  Naturally, no one, other than fellow lunatics, would agree with him.  That’s not a hard position to take.

Conservative radio talk show host, Glenn Beck, weighed in on the story in an appearance on CNN. He had apparently mentioned the story on his radio show, but I only found out about his statements in the CNN interview via a Newsmax story from last Thursday.

READ THE REST HERE

Fund Established To Extend First Lady's Vacation

NEW YORK (WNB) - An international consortium of food and beverage manufacturers have established a gift fund to "significantly" extend First Lady Michelle Obama's Hawaiian vacation.

A spokesman called the fund "a way to give back" to Mrs. Obama in celebration of her 50th birthday. "Even though it's still part of the United States, we know how much she loves Hawaii. We'd like to keep her there for at least three more years."

Companies participating include Pepsi, Coca Cola, Mars, Nestle, Ghirardelli, Hershey's, Frito-Lay, Hostess, and others.

First Lady Michelle Obama enjoys Hawaii