World News Bureau

Putin To Obama: Please Give Us A Line

MOSCOW (WNB) - Vladimir Putin responded on Friday to President Obama's warning to Russia not to intervene militarily in Ukraine.

"With all respect to Mr. Obama, it would be helpful for myself and my country to know the boundary the United States requires us to maintain, so we can be careful to try and not cross it," a smirking Putin said in the brief televised address. 

While Democrats such as Nancy Pelosi congratulated President Obama on his "forceful control" of the dangerous situation, others on Capitol Hill are concerned that Putin was actually mocking his American counterpart, as Russian forces rapidly asserted uncontested control over Ukraine's borders and transportation hubs.

 

Vladimir Putin addresses President Obama over Ukraine

Mormon Church Pushing Back At Critics

SALT LAKE CITY (WNB) - The hit Broadway show, The Book of Mormon, is apparently getting under the skin of the Mormon Church.

A new article about their teaching that members become gods and receive their own planets in the afterlife, is the latest in a series posted on the church website explaining particular Mormon beliefs.

Some of the other articles are:

• Joseph Smith - Racist pedophile flim-flam douche, or misunderstood man of God?
• Golden tablets - Not lost, simply misplaced.
• Angel Moroni - Just shy or in hiding?
• Satan, brother of Jesus - Every family has one.
• Works-based salvation - 10 health benefits of bicycling.
• Mormon Church and blacks - We like them now.
• Indians descended from Jews - Angel Moroni wasn't perfect.
• Mormon Church and polygamy - See above.

The church says it will continue to defend its doctrine against "forces of darkness that wish to discredit it, particularly the Catholics."

____________________________

Personal note from Editor in Chief, Scooter Van Neuter:

As many of you are aware, some years ago I, myself, was a practicing Mormon, and as such, feel moved to offer my support for that wonderful organization.

Among all Christian-type churches, the Mormon church has by far the most attractive and wholesome members, especially compared to the Pentecostals and Southern Baptists. Also, their temples are way cooler and more mysterious than their competitors - very stylish and full of secret rooms used for stuff only top Mormons know about. 

One thing I especially like is the fact Mormon missionaries were "green" long before Al Gore thought of it, and with the exception of swampy countries, they single handedly popularized the 10 speed bicycle worldwide.

There are many other great things about the Mormon Church, but that's all I can think of right now. 

Kudos to the Mormons for defending themselves - they deserve to be taken seriously.

 

Me doing missionary work in my Mormon years

 

D.C. Health Plans To Include Sex Changes

WASHINGTON (WNB) - D.C. Mayor Vincent Gray announced Thursday that the city will recognize Sexual Identity Confusion (SIC) as a medical condition, forcing insurance companies to cover treatments such as gender-reassignment surgery for transgender people.

"This isn't about money, this is about paying to transform these SIC individuals into something other than what they were," said Gray.

While transgender organizations such as "Hey Look, I've Got A Dick" are thrilled with the decision, many taxpayers are not.

James Whitehall, spokesman for a Washington-based consumer advocacy group, told reporters Friday, "A trip to Wal-Mart confirms that the last thing this country needs is more ugly people. This law will create some real freakshows, and consumers shouldn't be forced to pay for them."

 

 

 

Christian Conservatives Praying For Hospitalized Eric Holder

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The news that Attorney General Eric Holder was admitted to a Washington hospital Thursday reportedly brought concerned Christian conservatives throughout America to their knees.

Holder was said to be experiencing shortness of breath and faintness -a potentially serious condition when coupled with his existing radical leftist mental retardation.

Word of Holder's plight spread rapidly through the religious community, drawing thousands together to pray for the controversial Atty. General. "God is a God of justice and righteousness," said renowned evangelist, the Reverend Billy Graham. "We believe He can do anything."

Unfortunately, news of Holder's release from the hospital Thursday afternoon showed the prayers were in vain. "I guess God needs him (Holder) to screw up the country a little more," said Graham.

 

Wshington DC pastors unsuccessfully pray for Eric Holder's passing 

 

Gays Celebrate Defeat Of Arizona Bill

PHOENIX (WNB) Scooter Van Neuter Reporting - I was among hundreds of liberal and gay protesters on the Capitol lawn when it was announced that Gov. Brewer had vetoed SB 1062 (The Religious Freedom Restoration Act) Wednesday. 

The crowd erupted into celebration. Many were weeping with joy, especially the men and their boyfriends. Everyone was hugging, and one stocky man in a jockstrap and Crocs hugged me all the way to the ground before I was able to fend him off with a warning tap across the face with the barrel of my Sig P229. I kicked him in the nuts for good measure and moved away to avoid the blood splatter (you never know).

A nearby group of Democrat politicians high-fived each other while passing a joint, then joined a bunch of topless lesbians who were enthusiastically cursing several Mormon families who had gathered in support of the bill.

Not to digress, but why is it gay women on TV and in movies are always gorgeous, but in real life run they run the gamut from Barney Fife to Rosie O'Donnell? I have a theory that this fact is closely related to the sharp increase in the number of gay men, and if I could get a large grant could likely prove it.

Anyway, as I took some photos I strayed a little too close to the action. Out of nowhere I was suddenly pimp slapped by some big chick who looked like John Goodman with udders. Thankfully, one of the Mormon women threw a ham into the dyke mob, allowing me to slip away bruised but intact.

I decided to join a friendlier looking group of young sodomites for a run to a local Christian family-run bakery. Once we got there, Kitt and Ronee ordered a wedding cake in the shape of a cross topped with a couple of naked rump-riders consisting of Jesus and the Pope. Everything was going to plan until the group realized nobody had any money, so all they could do was urinate on the front of the building and somebody's car as they were leaving. I bought a cupcake and called it a day.

 

  

First Lady Squeezes Out A Healthy Rap

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Michelle Obama performed a "rap" Monday while promoting healthy eating habits.

Calling herself "Lil Mooch," the First Lady launched into the rap during a press conference announcing new rules limiting the marketing of unhealthy foods in schools:

My name is Mooch, and I'm here to say

eat food that's healthy and you'll be gay!

Look, I can eat burgers, fries, shakes and fudge

but y'all need veggies, grains, nuts and such.

Sure, greens taste like crap and goodies are sweet,

but a diet is healthy if you hate what you eat.

So remember, don't let taste alone become a barrier, 

lest you be like Mooch, rockin' ass the size of an aircraft carrier.

Here's the message, pimps, and this one's free, 

Tasty food is out, cause that's what Mooch decrees.

Eat Healthy Little Bitches - Lil Mooch - copyright 2014, Black House Music - All rights reserved

The First Lady wrapped up her message with the "holla," "First Lady out," sending several in attendance racing for the restrooms.

 

First Lady "Lil Mooch" Obama raps about healthy eating

 

California Counters Arizona With Anti-God, Anti-Heterosexual Legislation

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - The California legislature passed a hastily-drafted bill Wednesday morning allowing businesses to refuse service to anyone they perceive as being Christian or non-gay.

The bill, SB 1119 - "The Godless Perversion Protection Act," is California's response to Arizona's "Religious Freedom Restoration Act."

If signed into law by Governor Jerry Brown, it would give gay business owners and management the right to claim their perversion and/or their allegiance to Satan as a defense against lawsuits brought by Christians and heterosexuals.

The bill is notable for its specific exclusion of Muslims. Said one council member who wished to remain anonymous, "Hey, we don't want anyone to get their heads lopped off, we only want to punish the bad religions." 

 

 

Black Pastors: Impeach Holder

WASHINGTON - A coalition of black pastors announced on Tuesday at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. that they are launching a campaign to gather one million signatures on a petition calling for the impeachment of Attorney General Eric Holder for violating his oath of office by trying "to coerce states to fall in line with the same-sex 'marriage' agenda."

READ MORE HERE (CNS News)

 

Atty. General Eric Holder

Arizona Bill: Pro Faith, Not Anti-Gay

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - With the passage of bill S.B. 1062 by the Arizona legislature has come a torrent of breathtaking distortions and outright lies by the left and LGBT proponents.

Forum comment sections are awash with indignant outrage over a law they claim would allow Arizona business owners to discriminate with impunity against gays (and presumably other perverts). 

In order to cut through the lies, here's the truth about this bill, although be warned, truth matters little to liberals, and obviously not at all to gays.

The following from The Christian Post  - Issue Analysis: Arizona Bill Does Not Give Businesses License to Discriminate Against Gays

1.  If Gov. Jan Brewer (R) signs it, the bill, S.B. 1062, would make some modifications to a 1999 Arizona law called the Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA). 

2.  Under current Arizona law, if a business wanted to discriminate against gays, they would not need this bill to be passed to do so. It is not currently illegal for a business to deny service to someone because they are gay. Some cities in Arizona have ordinances against it but there is no state law against it. If business owners in Arizona wanted to deny service to gays, they could do so in most of the state under current law.

3. Even though business owners across most of Arizona (and much of the United States) have the right to deny service to gays, they are not doing so. Opponents of the bill claim it would usher in an era of "Jim Crow for gays," in which gays would be denied service at businesses across the state. If business owners really wanted to do this, though, they could already be doing it. The bill does not make that more or less likely. Business owners do not want to deny service to gays. This is not because they fear government sanction. Rather, it is because: 1) Their religious, ethical or moral beliefs tell them it is wrong to deny service; and/or, 2) the profit motive - turning away customers is no way to run a business. 

READ THE REST HERE

 

 

Duke Freshman Claims Making Porn Empowers, Fulfills Her

By Gina Miller

Audio version: Duke Freshman Claims Making Porn Empowers Her 

A friend forwarded me a link to a gut-wrenching column with the cumbersome title, “I'm The Duke University Freshman Porn Star And For The First Time I'm Telling The Story In My Words.”  The article is enough to break your heart for this girl, who is an example of cannon fodder from the hellish “sexual revolution” and “women’s liberation” movements.

 The young lady, identified only as Lauren A., describes Duke University (a school whose motto is Eruditio et Religio:  Learning and Religion) as her “dream school,” and she states that she has chosen to act in porn movies to finance her education.  She tried to keep her identity under cover, so to speak, but one of the young men at the school recognized her on campus and exposed her identity.  She was subsequently harassed and bullied online for what she does, so she decided to write a column about it and what she believes it means.

Putting aside the volumes that could be written about the vile poison that pornography is and the devastation of empty souls, ruined sexuality, broken lives and marriages, and even death left in its wake, let’s look at some of what Lauren has to say.

She wrote:

… My experience in porn has been nothing but supportive, exciting, thrilling and empowering.

… I am not ashamed of porn. On the contrary, doing pornography fulfills me.

READ THE REST HERE

 

 

 

WNB Celebrity News Monday

World News Bureau - By Scooter Van Neuter, WNB celebrity reporter

Alec Baldwin Announces He's Leaving Public Life

Leftist rage bomb Alec Baldwin announced to a stunned world his intention to leave public life. In a bloated 5000+ word Vulture.com piece Sunday, Baldwin blamed the shocking decision on a variety of individuals, networks, and even New York City itself.

As an example of Baldwin's worldwide popularity. Pope Francis issued the following statement Monday morning:

"On behalf of everyone familiar with your talents, please just shut the f*ck up and leave already, you Godless d*ckhead."

Piers Morgan Out At CNN

Insufferably pompous douche bag, Piers Morgan, announced Sunday he is leaving CNN.

Morgan blamed the parting due to the fact "Americans evidently don't enjoy being lectured to by an insufferably pompous douche bag, especially a British one."

Exactly.

Larry King: I Could Come Back

Walking cadaver, Larry King, has offered to come back to his former show in the wake of Piers Morgan's blessed departure.

When told of King's offer, CNN President Jeffry Zucker told reporters, "If we wanted to go that route, we'd have just done a lobotomy on Piers."

 CNN Considering Kathy Griffin / Anderson Cooper Show

In an obvious attempt to replicate the success of Piers Morgan Live, sources say CNN is looking at pairing silver rump-rider Anderson Cooper with Godless, insecure plastic surgery junkie, Kathy Griffin.

The likelihood of the show being produced was increased Monday when it was learned that cancellation notices are being pre-prepared.

 

 

Late Night Liberal Love-Fest

NEW YORK (WNB) - With Jimmy Fallon replacing Jay Leno on The Tonight Show, late night has officially become a liberal love-fest, and a no man's land for moderates and conservatives.

Between Fallon, Seth Meyers taking over Late Night, the resurrected Arsenio Hall, and rumors of even Alec Baldwin getting his own late night show, moderate guests will have to look elsewhere for television exposure. Those who do earn a spot can be reasonably assured of being made to look like inbred, racist psychopaths.

As a preview of what's to come, Jimmy Fallon's opening week on The Tonight Show featured a plethora of leftist celebrities, culminating in a steamy visit by Fist Lady Michelle Obama Thursday night (below). 

Read more here (Politico)

Jimmy Fallon woos First Lady Michelle Obama

Chicago Police Build Crime Supercomputer

CHICAGO (WNB) - The Chicago Police Department has developed the most advanced predictive analytical system yet, which uses advanced algorithms to compile a list of individuals most likely to commit a crime. as well as identify likely victims.

The culmination of the program has provided police with high-probability images of the likely criminal, and his victim (below).

"So far, it's been 100% accurate," said one Chicago precinct captain, "but frankly, that's not saying much."

 

 

 

White House Specifies Ukraine "Line"

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The White House responded today to widespread ridicule over President Obama's Syria-like warning to the Ukraine government:

The United States is determined and prepared to inflict serious consequences against the government of Ukraine, should they take any of the following specific actions against peaceful protesters:

• Assaulting protesters with electric eels.
• Using high-yield nuclear weapons against protesters at night.
• Beating protesters with wheels of cheese.
• Dropping fire ants on protesters from blimps.
• Running over protesters with locomotives.

Should the Ukrainian government be found guilty of doing any of the above, consequences could consist of any or all of the following:

• Protracted visit from John Kerry.
• Forceful comments from President Obama directed at             Ukraine President Viktor Yanukovychby.
• Harsh threats of consequences from the U.S. Pentagon.
• Sending additional U.S. reporters to Kiev, including some from PBS.
• Reducing business hours at some Kiev Cinnabon locations.

The United States hopes for a peaceful outcome to the political challenges facing Ukraine, and pledges to do everything possible to achieve that goal.

Although there has been no official response to the White House statement, sources in Moscow report a military shipment of "large wheels of cheese" apparently headed for Kiev.

 

 

Putin Warns Ukraine President Of Obama "Consequences"

WASHINGTON (WNB) - On Wednesday a tough-talking President Obama warned the government of Ukraine of "consequences" if they "step over the line" in dealing with protesters in Kiev.

His comments were eerily similar to words he used in the early days of the civil war in Syria. No doubt learning from that situation, Obama was careful not to specify what "the line" is, or what the consequences might be if it's crossed.

Protesters are being killed in the Ukrainian capital as thousands turn out against President Viktor Yanukovych's alliance with Russian President Vladimir Putin. 

A laughing President Putin reacted to the threat during an interview from the Sochi Olympics. "We've dealt with President Obama's "consequences" before in Syria. I've contacted Ukrainian President Yanukovych and warned him he may not be receiving a Hickory Farms gift basket from the United States next Christmas."

 

 

Muslims Warned To Not Live On Mars

KHATBOKS. United Arab Emirates (WNB) - The General Authority of Islamic Affairs and Endowment (GAIAE) has issued a Fatwa prohibiting Muslims from living on Mars, due to "the likelyhood of injury and lack of Jews to blow up."

The Fatwa was apparently issued in response to the proposal from the Dutch company Mars One last year to send four people on a one-way journey to the red planet in 2022.

The GAIAE did, however, give Muslim men specific permission to visit Uranus, provided, of course, they have a young nephew named "Ur."

 

General Authority of Islamic Affairs and Endowment webpage - Latest FATWAS

 

New Film Replaces Barack Obama Satan

HOLLYWOOD (WNB) - A new feature-length movie spin-off of the popular The Bible television series will not use the same Satan that closely resembled President Obama.

Sources say the White House successfully pressured Son of God producers Mark Burnett and wife Roma Downey to not use the character.

Despite the change (below), sources claim the White House remains "very unhappy" with the results. 

 

Replacement Satan from "Son of God"

Texas Dems Caught In Illegal Scheme

FORT WORTH (WNB) - Democrat organization "Battlefield Texas" workers have been filmed admitting they take federally-protected voter information for use in turning out low information voters.

"Every time we register somebody to vote, we keep their name, address, phone number," said one Battlefield Texas worker. The video also shows volunteers calling to boost turnout for Wendy Davis's gubernotorial bid.

READ MORE HERE (Breitbart)

 

Pelosi: Founding Fathers Gave Everything For Obamacare

WASHINGTON (WNB) - America's Founding Fathers "gave it all" for government mandated socialist wealth redistribution schemes such as Obamacare, stated renowned deep thinker and celebrated political history expert, Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-Calif.) at a recent press conference.

"To go to back to our founders once again, they sacrificed it all for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Well, this law, the affordable care act, is all about these same things - government having the liberty to pursue individual's happiness," said Pelosi.

 

Michelle's Diary 2-17-14