Reporting From Sochi

SOCHI. Russia  - (World News Bureau) Scooter Van Neuter reporting from the 2014 Winter Olympics.

I am pleased to be reporting live from Sochi, Russia for the duration of the Winter Olympics.

Day One

The trip to Sochi consisted of five flights spanning just over 48 hours. The final leg was an exciting three hour test of endurance aboard a fixed wing version of a 1950s Tijuana public bus that reeked of urine, BO, and cigarettes. Fortunately, while taking off, someone puked in the row in front of me, significantly improving the atmosphere in the cabin.

I finally arrived at Sochi, a city of 300,000 located on the Black Sea coast. After claiming what remained of my luggage, I traveled by death trap to my "media" hotel - the rustic Maly Akhun.

Upon checking in, it was obvious the hotel had been named for either a local venereal disease, or possibly the Russian scientist who discovered black mold. The building's classic mid-50s insane asylum architecture compared favorably with the surrounding neighborhood, a rundown concrete slum occupied by stray dogs and fat female prison guards - it reminded me of Detroit in its better days.

I had paid extra for a suite and boy, am I glad I did! I can only assume a standard room features fresh versus dried semen and blood, and a filthy toilet next to your face instead of your feet while in bed. As for the bed, it appeared to have been an autopsy table originally, now masquerading as a body fluid-splattered bed bug and cockroach condominium. I've decided to sleep standing up in my suitcase.

Thankfully, the wireless internet actually works, and the single cold water spigot next to the bed has a handy large bucket that will suffice for sponge baths and emergency toilet, if they can't get the real one unclogged. Also, a bottle of vodka only costs the equivalent of 18 cents U.S. and I can get all the dog meat sandwiches I want in the hotel restaurant, so at least I won't starve. This just might work.

I'm off to get some vodka and play with the dogs. More later.

 

Home sweet home - my Sochi hotel suite