World News Bureau

Sharpton: Van Neuter Not Racist

CHICAGO (WNB) - Esteemed civil rights champion and noted man of God, Reverend Al Sharpton, on Wednesday called off a planned march and boycott of World News Bureau, after investigating claims owner Scooter Van Neuter may have inadvertently made remarks some could construe as being racially insensitive.

"After meeting with Scooter and examining his character and heart, I'm comfortable he knowingly played no part in the recently posted audio clip which was likely made by a news competitor to smear his good name," Sharpton said at a party held in his honor at World News Bureau headquarters.

"I'm glad this whole thing is behind me," said WNB head Scooter Van Neuter. "The Reverend Sharpton knows I love American African Negros. I really look forward to maybe hiring one soon."

 

Rev. Al Sharpton and good friend Scooter Van Neuter

 

Sharpton Threatens WNB March, Boycott

CHICAGO (WNB) - Pretend reverend Al Sharpton is threatening to organize a "massive" march and boycott against news agency World News Bureau.

The infamous race-baiter's threat is reportedly in response to the release of an illegally-obtained audio recording of WNB owner Scooter Van Neuter making what some could consider somewhat racially insensitive remarks.

"Today's business world has no room for racists who think their money and power give them the right to vocally lynch people of color. Van Neuter has proven himself to be such a person, and on behalf of my people, and oppressed people everywhere, it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to put this man out of business," Sharpton said Tuesday afternoon.

World News Bureau head Scooter Van Neuter had no comment.

 

Second Business Maven Accused of Racist Comments

PHOENIX, Arizona (WNB) - In the wake of incendiary racist comments made by Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling, a recording allegedly of news magnate Scooter Van Neuter has surfaced with what could possibly be construed as somewhat racist comments.

Sources say the short audio clip was made sometime last year, and features a man identified as Van Neuter talking to an unknown individual about workers he employs. 

After being questioned about the recording, Van Neuter released the following statement Tuesday:

After listening to the recording in question, I can say confidently that if the person making those comments was, in fact, me, it is a safe assumption that I had been drugged by individuals acting on behalf of a competing news agency, and prompted to say those things against my will. I employ people of all races in my organization, and professionally respect them all equally, even the colored ones.

Disclosure: World News Bureau is owned and operated by Scooter Van Neuter.

 

Scooter Van Neuter with close friend Rev. Martin Luther King (file photo)

 

Diplomatic Obama Avoids Decapitation

BALAY, Kuala Lumpur (WNB) - During a tour of Malaysia's National Mosque Sunday, President Barack Obama asked Grand Imam Ismai Butoobhig to pray for him, according to  Malaysia’s national press agency Bernama.

The President made the plea in response to the imam's request that Obama end oppression of Muslims worldwide.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney defended Obama's reply. "Look, the President was in a big mosque surrounded by Muslims - he obviously did not want to get his head cut off by telling the imam to order his fellow Muslims to quit killing everyone if they don't want bad press." 

Obama, adorned in traditional native garb (below), later gave an address to Muslim religious leaders.

 

 

California Schools To Teach Obama "Significance"

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - Without debate, the California State Assembly passed a bill last Thursday that will require all California schools to teach students the "significance" of Barack Obama's presidency.

The bill, AB-1912, celebrates Obama as being the first half-white commie bastard elected to the nation's highest office, as well as being the first commie bastard president to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

"Our children need to know that if the illegitimate mixed-race spawn of a communist adulterer and leftist slut mother can become president of the United States, an adopted sexually-confused kid being raised by two effeminate rump-riding dads can too," said one Assemblyman.

 

 

NARAL Event Combines Chocolate, Dead Babies

PHILADELPHIA (WNB) - Abortion promoter NARAL (National Association of Real Abortion Lovers) is again holding their "Pro-Death/Pro-Chocolate event" by popular demand.

"Join us to celebrate your favorite things - delicious chocolate and the wholesale slaughter of unborn boys and girls! Mingle with your pro-death friends and enjoy delicious chocolate treats, champagne, coffee, tea – and even a chocolate martini fountain while you worship Moloch!"

The event will reportedly feature both dark and white chocolate aborted fetuses with strawberry sauce (below).

 

 

Earth Day 2014

 

 

 

 

 

By Scooter Van Neuter

Monday was Earth Day, one my favorite holidays. Every year this special day causes me to reflect upon the earth, and what I might do to help preserve it.

I always do something special on Earth Day to nurture our planet. Last year I gassed my Corvette with regular instead of premium and didn't urinate in the backyard, at least until evening. This year I wanted to do something really special, so I decided to plant a tree.

Judging by my fatigue after doing yard work, it's become obvious that global warming has depleted the oxygen levels in my area, so I researched to find the most prolific oxygen-producing tree I could plant. I decided on the the Ceiba pentandra, or kapok tree. Beside producing tons of oxygen, the kapok was perfect for my yard, as just one would shade my entire property, and growing to over 200 feet tall would comfortably get above my neighbors' non-oxygen producing palm trees.

I hired a crew of botanists in Costa Rica to go into the rain forest to find a healthy specimen, then chartered a Gulfstream jet out of San Jose to safely fly the kapok to Phoenix. To safeguard the young tree, I had the flight attendants sing softly to it while applying moist towelettes to its trunk. It arrived in perfect condition.

After the transport company arrived with my new tree, I had arborists from Arizona State University move it into a temporary structure I had erected in the back yard. There I offered up solemn prayers to the kapok and Mother Earth, culminating in the fiery sacrifice of a 1992 Chevrolet Suburban. With tears running down my cheeks, I gingerly planted the kapok tree into the earth's rich soil, where it would beautify the landscape and become a home to nature's wildlife for generations to come.

Unfortunately, later that night I found the mangled remnants of the kapok laying beside the pool, an apparent victim of my two Cocker Spaniel puppies. As I roasted s'mores over it in my outdoor fire pit I was already making plans for next Earth Day. 

Thank you kapok tree for making the earth a better place.

 

My Earth Day kapoc tree (Ceiba pentandra)

 

Liberals in California Target Judges with Boy Scout Ties

By Gina Miller

 

Give them an inch, and they’ll demand a mile.  We warned you that the terrible decision by the Boy Scouts of America to allow openly homosexual boys into membership would only lead to further attacks against the organization by the militant homosexual Left.  We were right, and the target is now judges who have ties to the Scouts.

In California, the Supreme Court Advisory Committee on the Code of Judicial Ethics has proposed amending the Code to ban judges who participate in, or are members of, non-profit youth organizations that “discriminate” on the basis of sexual orientation—that is, the Boy Scouts of America.  The organization is specifically named in the proposal, because it still does not allow open homosexuals to be troop leaders.  This proposal was open for public comments until April 15^th, so I’m a little late to the twisted party, but this is still something you should know.

READ MORE HERE

 

Why We Were Gone

WORLD NEWS BUREAU SPECIAL REPORT -  As many of you likely already know, our hosting site, Typepad, has been under a blistering Distributed Denial of Service (DDOS) attack since last Thursday evening, causing this site and thousands of others to be partially/totally down.

A ransom demand accompanied the attack which was very similar to other large attacks recently on Basecamp, Meetup.com, and others. The perps are allegedly operating out of Russia. If Putin wants to be a real stud, he needs to round up these mouth-breathers and send them to Siberia for a little hard labor - maybe 20 years worth. I'd personally vote to replace Barry with Vlad if he would.

Dems Looking To Import Voters To Chicago

CHICAGO (WNB) - Sources within the Democratic party say that organization is considering various methods of importing more liberals to Chicago after dozens of low-information voters were killed and injured in what has become a normal weekend for that city.

"It's almost unthinkable that Chicago could ever run out of Democratic voters, but at the rate these morons are killing each other, coupled with the drug overdoses, various addictions, and the usual welfare laziness, we could run out of low-information voters in as little as twenty years," said one Democrat precinct chairman.

Ideas being considered to lure the low-information voters to Chicago range from giving every new resident a pair of red "Beats" headphones, to issuing discount coupons for inner city liquor stores.

Next to Detroit, Chicago is the poster child for Democratically governed Midwest cities, and is eager to retain that title until it inevitably goes bankrupt and burns to the ground in an orgy of looting and riots.

 

Chicago low-information voters dwindling

Rosie O'Donnell Sheds 50 Lbs.

NEW YORK (WNB) - Rosie O'Donnell claims she has lost an amazing fifty pounds. The dramatic weight loss was evident in photos the star recently Tweeted.

Friends close to the celebrity are reportedly amazed at the almost overnight transformation. "I saw her (Rosie) just a few afternoons ago, and her shadow blacked-out most of Midtown. Now today she looks completely different - whatever diet that is, I want it," said one New Yorker. 

In possibly related news, a doctor in New Jersey claims a female patient recently coughed up what may be the largest hair ball in medical history, weighing in at 47.8 pounds. "It wasn't pretty," said the physician.

 

The new, slimmer Rosie O'Donnell, before and after sudden weight loss

 

Pelosi Mimics Pope

SAN FRANCISCO (WNB) - Rep. Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-Ca) mimicked the Pope while promoting amnesty for illegal immigrants/future Democratic voters Friday morning by washing the feet of two illegal immigrant children.

"While I know Jesus would have preferred these children been aborted, now that they're here He would at least want them to be clean," said Pelosi as she vigorously scrubbed the childrens' feet with what appeared to be Pine-Sol. 

Pelosi, who claims to be Catholic, was forced to do the photo-op at an Episcopal church for obvious reasons.

 

Rep. Pelosi mugs for the cameras as she disinfects illegal alien's feet

  

Chelsea Clinton Pregnant

NEW YORK (WNB) - Clelsea Clinton has announced she is pregnant. Sources claim the famous daughter of career politicians Bill and Hillary is expecting a girl.

Below is an artist's rendition of what the child will look like, provided Clinton does not succumb to fellow Democrats' encouragement to dismember and vacuum it into a biohazard container.

 

Chelsea Clinton daughter (artist's rendition)

 

Putin to Obama: Quit Calling Me

MOSCOW (WNB) - Vladimir Putin is threatening to "change his phone number" if President Obama doesn't stop calling him.

Putin said in a televised interview Wednesday: "He (Obama) keeps calling and calling, warning and warning. When he's not calling me he's butt dialing me at 2:30 in the morning. I'll say it now, one more call in the middle of the night and I'm changing my number."

Putin's comments come a day after Obama called him for at least the sixth time in recent weeks with (more) warnings of "consequences" if Russian forces don't pull back from Ukraine's borders.

A laughing Putin ended the interview by saying, "I've got your consequences right here, comrade."

 

Vladimir Putin to President Obama: "I've got your consequences right here..."

 

Bloomberg to God: I Make the Rules

NEW YORK (WNB) - Michael Bloomberg said when he dies he doesn't have to talk to God, if He exists, because his works have fast-tracked him to Heaven. The former NYC mayor's comments appear in a recent New York Times interview.

"I am telling you if there is a God, when I get to heaven I’m not stopping to be interviewed. I am heading straight in. I have earned my place in heaven. It’s not even close," said Bloomberg.

In a related story, latter day prophet Father Anthony Batachi claims God weighed in on the former mayor's statement, as the 96-year-old Catholic priest prayed Monday evening. 

"He said, 'Who the hell is Michael Bloomberg?'"

 

Former mayor Michael Bloomberg 

 

Battle of the Sexes: Coulter Versus Maddow

NEW YORK (WNB) - Ann Coulter responded Monday to MSNBC's Racheal Maddow's assertion that Coulter is not a pundit, but simply a comedian. 

"Mr. Maddow is certainly welcome to his opinion but I refuse to lower myself to his level," Coulter said in a written rebuke listing a sampling of lies and half-truths stated by Maddow on her show.

Maddow called Coulter's remarks "sophmorically homophobic," saying, "If I had a d*ck, I'd slap you across the face with it."

 

Rachael Maddow, Ann Coulter

 

New Clues On Flight 370 Location

PHOENIX (WNB) - New information from a United States airline has refocused the search for Malaysian flight 370. 

An image accidentally Tweeted to thousands of customers by U.S. Airways (below) appears to show the crash site of the missing airliner. "This isn't exactly what we were expecting," said an Malaysian Air executive. "If the photo is authentic, unfortunately everyone is almost certainly dead. Or wishes they were."

 

Is This The Disaster Foretold By Blood Moon?

NEW YORK (WNB) - Fears that last night's "blood moon" eclipse is a sign of an upcoming ominous event may be well founded, according to a new article in business magazine Fast Company.

In the sobering article, Chelsea Clinton alludes to the possibility she may run for a high public office, if the circumstances are right.

Baptist Pastor Samual Wainwright called the news "chilling, and maybe the clearest indication yet that God is not done punishing this country."

 

Chelsea Clinton - future leader?

  

Change Of Plans - Iranian Ships Not Heading To US Coast

TEHRAN (WNB) - The Islamic Republic has announced they are temporarily putting off plans to deploy warships off America's Atlantic coast. The move came just before the ships reached the Atlantic.

Iranian Navy Commander Rear Admiral Habishete Ohmahed called the decision to return the 29th flotilla to Iran "a tactical one," while  sources in Iran say they were forced to return because the two ships "are running out of fuel and food, and the men are attacking each other" after being at sea nearly two weeks.

Iran's decision to place ships near the U.S. was a response to U.S. naval deployments in the Persian Gulf.

 

Iranian heavy cruiser Sea Donkey heads back to Iran

 

Badly Thrown Shoe Barely Misses Hillary

LAS VEGAS (WNB) - Former Secretary of State and likely presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was nearly hit by a thrown shoe while giving a speech at the Las Vegas Convention Center Thursday.

Months of ducking questions about Benghazi apparently paid off for Clinton, as she quickly, albeit spasmodically, moved out of the way of the badly thrown footgear.

A woman in the audience was quickly taken into federal custody after throwing the shoe.

In a related story, World News Bureau Editor in Chief Scooter Van Neuter has come forward with an offer to rehabilitate the woman who threw the shoe at Hillary Clinton Thursday.

"I just feel bad for her," said Van Neuter. "She obviously has problems, and I'd like to help her overcome them."

Van Neuter is offering the woman a full scholarship to Ron Wolforth's famous Elite Pitcher's Camp at the nationally recognized Texas Baseball Ranch.