World News Bureau

Carney "Lost the Ability to Tell the Truth"

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Sources say Jay Carney is stepping down as White House Press Secretary because almost four years of lying had robbed him of the ability to tell the truth.

"Jay wouldn't know the truth if it bit him on the ass. The other day I heard him tell someone he was Michael Jackson's uncle," said one White House source. "I heard his wife forced him to resign and seek help after he tried passing off a couple Asian hookers as their daughters."

Carney has said he will stay on until at least mid-June, but the chances of that statement being true are considered slim by most analysts.

 

Jay Carney: Truth challenged?

 

Maya Angelou Memorial Poetry Competition

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - In honor of renowned poet Maya Angelous' passing, WNB is pleased to stage a competition for the best original poetry.

Prizes will be awarded by a distingushed panel of judges based on feeling, warmth (or coolness), angst, emotion, and passion.

Winners to be announced June 10th - start writing!

I'll start:

What Is Life? by Scooter Van Neuter

As I gaze into the azure blue skies of my mind

A sense of confusion grips my spine.

Why do I live, yet others die?

Some do crack, I do pie.

The question haunts me, if I only knew

Why is my mind's sky azure blue?

The end

 

First Lady Michelle Launches Let's Poop! Initiative

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Michelle Obama on Thursday officially kicked off her next health-oriented campaign aimed at children. Called "Let's Poop!," the initiative encourages children to eat more fiber and celebrate the natural act of elimination.

The Let's Poop! website (below) features mascot "Dookie" promoting high fiber foods and "fun ideas for creative poop play," such as "add paper sails to make a stinky pirate ship, then flush to send it to Davy Jones' Locker!"

Mrs. Obama said the Let's Poop! campaign was inspired by her own traumatic childhood struggle to expel a bad bean burrito, calling it "maybe the most unhappy 72 hours of my life."

"Eating healthy and drinking lots of water doesn't work if it ends up sitting in your colon like a load of concrete - it's time to drop Dookie off at the pool!" a laughing First Lady told an audience of children assembled at the White House.

An administration spokesperson predicts Mrs. Obama's latest initiative will define her White House legacy.

 

First Lady Michelle's "Let's Poop" website

 

NAACP Lashes Out At Arab Campaign

CHICAGO (WNB) - The NAACP is reportedly outraged at a new campaign (below) aimed at tourists visiting the Arab State of Quatar.

"To see a message of exclusion based on skin color is unacceptable, I don't care what country it is," said one member. "Maybe we should start a tourist campaign in this country barring tan, hairy people needing a bath."

He added, "The only thing keeping us from organizing a million man march against this place is not knowing exactly where it's at."

 

 

World's Worst Poet Passes

WINSTON-SALEM, North Carolina (WNB) - "Poet" Maya Angelou passed away Wednesday morning at her home.

Considered by many to be the most celebrated bad poet in modern times, Angelou's career spanned from working strip clubs to reciting a poem at Barack Obama's presidential inauguration that reportedly sent several people to the hospital.

"Maya was a wonderful woman, possessing a most regal, commanding voice. She could recite the stupidest stuff and people would somehow think it was profound," said one close acquaintance. "Maya may have been an idiot, but she made a fortune not sounding like one."

In honor of Ms. Angelou's passing, we present her immortal work "Truth."

Monday. My day. 

Truth my soul seeketh.

Sky. Wind. Clouds.

Cast adrift is my soul.

Water. Waves. Fish.

The universe says, 'Heave ho'

My soul replies, 'A ho no mo'

Drifting. Floating. Bobbing.

A carp eats my soul.

Soul fish.

 

Angelou receives award, large hickey from President Obama

 

News News News!

 

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Top stories from around the world by Scooter Van Neuter

 

Iran Threatening Destruction of U.S.

This is news? The day these unibrowed carpet-kissers don't threaten us it will be. Next story. 

________________________________

 

Mers Disease Mutating - Millions May Die

I'm okay with this as long as it kills people I'm not that fond of. Next.

________________________________

 

Pope Claims Obama "Likely" the Antichrist

Funny, I don't remember the Bible describing the Antichrist as a dumbass. Next story, please.

________________________________

 

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West Marry

Porn tape star Kim Kardashian and rhyme talker Kanye West were wed Saturday in a lavish ceremony in Florence, Italy. The two, affectionately known as "Kimye," have been the center of the known universe in the days leading up to possibly the most important event of our time.

As expected, the two celebrities looked fabulous. Photos from the event show a radiant Kim Kardashian exotically transformed into what many called "a mysterious opossum sporting a freakishly large, gelatinous ass," while West sported a look described as "clueless egotistical douche."

As of Monday, the two have reportedly not yet filed for divorce.

 

 

Harvey Milk Stamp Debuts

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The U.S. Post Office on Thursday issued a stamp honoring slain Godless sodomite San Francisco supervisor and demented pervert gay rights leader, Harvey Milk.

Sexually confused/mentally ill carpet muncher Openly gay Senator Tammy Baldwin (RTRD-Wisc) joined a crowd of politicians, federal officials, and fellow sexual whackjobs activists at the White House for the introduction on what would have been Milk's 84th birthday, provided he hadn't have likely died earlier from any number of sexually-transmitted diseases.

The stamp is the first in the Post Office's "Famous Sodomites" series celebrating the social shift elevating deviancy and sexual mental illness LGBT behaviors as being normal and healthy.

 

WNBA Now Openly Courting Lesbians

NEW YORK (WNB) - The Womens National Basketball Association (WNBA) has launched a campaign to market specifically to the LGBT community, a move that makes it the first pro league to specifically recruit sexually confused/mentally ill and/or simply perverted individuals to its games.

With the campaign, the WNBA is capitalizing on what has been painfully obvious since its inception - lesbians are pretty much the only fans it has. The difference now is that the league is talking about it publicly and making it a deliberate part of its marketing strategy.

"There's no use pretending any longer that anyone but lesbians come to the games - just look around, it's a plaid freakshow" said one league employee.

The marketing effort includes having teams participate in local gay festivals and parades and working with advocacy groups in an attempt to somehow portray homosexuality as being normal.

 

 

Chelsea Clinton: Tap Into Your Anger

NEWPORT BEACH, California (WNB) - Chelsea Clinton told an audience at a conference on women and technology that the best way for young people to motivate themselves is to tap into their anger.

"What makes you most angry? What pisses you off? Is your dad diddling skanks in the hallway? Maybe your mother is a Godless, shrill shrew screaming at the help. Whatever it is, harness that anger and channel it to something good - like getting cosmetic surgery or therapy."

Clinton told the audience that her own anger stems from the fact that Mad Men is in its final season.

One woman in attendance commented how similar Chelsea is to her famous mother, calling it "frightening."

 

Chelsea Clinton: Pissed off

  

Dolphins' Don Jones Back From Sensitivity Training

MIAMI, Florida (WNB) - Miami Dolphins player Don Jones is back with his teammates after being suspended, fined, and required to take "sensitivity training" because of his criticism of openly gay player Michael Sam.

Despite his immediate apology for Tweeting his disgust at watching Sam tongue kiss his boyfriend on TV, the Dolphins forced Jones to attend gay sensitivity training, which apparently worked.

"All I can say is I feel fabulous, and what I did was a big boo boo - sometimes I'm just a big silly," said a vivacious Don Jones upon returning (below).

 

"Big silly" Don Jones

 

Chipotle Voted Most Likely Mass Murder Spot

CHICAGO (WNB) - Chipotle Mexican Grill was voted "most likely place to be killed in a mass murder," after the eatery announced Monday patrons were no longer welcome to exercise their Second Amendment rights to legally carry firearms in their establishments.

Past winners of the award include Ft. Hood, Aurora Colorado's Century 16 movie theater, Sandy Hook Elementary, the DC Navy Yard, Columbine High School, to name a few.

 

Brain Injury "Improved" Hillary

NEW YORK (WNB) - Inside sources claim the head injury suffered by likely presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has actually made her better than before.

Clinton suffered a concussion in late 2012 after allegedly getting drunk and sliding down two flights of stairs on her face. Afterward, she was hospitalized for a blood clot on the brain, and reportedly suffered aftereffects for months that included double vision requiring special glasses.

Recent comments have questioned whether the injury has compromised Clinton's ability to be president, but sources close to her claim it's just the opposite. "She's not nearly as mean as she was before and the stairs definitely improved her face. She's better." 

Clinton is expected to declare her candidacy soon.

 

Hillary Clinton - head injury helped

Al Sharpton Receives NAACP Award

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - "Reverend" Al Shapton was awarded the NAACP Racist of the Year award Thursday. 

LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling was originally chosen for the award until a posted audio clip characterized him as not disliking whites enough. 

 

Tea Party Express Leader Is All-Aboard Amnesty Train

By Gina Miller

Audio version:  Tea Party Leader Aboard Amnesty Train 5-19-14

Last week, Sal Russo, a co-founder of the Tea Party Express, declared his support for amnesty for illegal aliens in the United States.  Naturally, he doesn’t call it amnesty in his column posted on Wednesday at Roll Call, but instead uses RINO-speak to say the same thing.  Reading his article, you might think it was written by a Democrat, if you didn’t know any better.  He opens his column, “Conservatives Need to Fix the Broken U.S. Immigration System,” with this:

The U.S. immigration system is flawed and broken. Conservatives should be at the forefront of reform so the law reflects the just interests of the United States, not misty-eyed ideals of some of the liberal do-gooder reformers. What is good for America should be the sole criteria for immigration reform.

Our laws today are unenforced and citizens and companies who play by the rules are undermined by bad actors who do not. This undermines our rule of law and slows our economic growth. In today’s global economy, we cannot afford the status quo.

Congress must pass legislation that will fix our broken system.

How sick are we of hearing that our immigration system is “broken”?  It’s not broken!  Our immigration laws are not being enforced by Washington!  

READ MORE HERE

Inner City Youth Suffering From "Hood Disease"

OAKLAND, California (WNB) - A new study from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) claims at least 30 percent of inner city youth suffer from a type of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Researchers have termed the disorder "hood disease."

"Individuals in inner cities face a number of stressful problems daily, such as 'can I sell enough food stamps to buy crack tonight,' or 'my Obama phone doesn't have enough minutes' - things like that," explained CDC research coordinator Mavis Brown. "Unfortunately, the only relief available to these sufferers is to viciously beat and rob whites and especially Asians. Sadly, it's more of a cry for help than permanent cure."

The Obama administration is reportedly studying hood disease to determine what type of financial and/or material incentives may be used to treat the problem.

 

Hood disease sufferers - "a cry for help"

Jerry Brown: Global Warming Caused San Diego Fires

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - California Governor Jerry Brown said Thursday "global warming" is the culprit in a series of wildfires ravaging the San Diego area.

After being told two suspects had been arrested in connection with intentionally starting the fires, the governor's office on Friday released a statement clarifying Brown's comments (below).

Los Angeles University professor and climate expert Cynthia Johnson-Lloyd called Brown's explanation "frightening and compelling - an urgent wake-up call for the world."

 

Reid: Koch Brothers Are Beaming Messages

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Sources say Sen. Harry Reid (RTRD-Nev) is convinced the Koch brothers are beaming messages directly into his brain.

"He said Charles Koch regularly wakes him up in the middle of night with cruel taunts," said one Reid staffer. "Things like "you're stupid" and "you have a small penis" - stuff like that. Yesterday the Senator said David Koch sent a mental command ordering him to loudly fart while eating at a nice restaurant, and he did."

These revelations may help explain Sen. Reid's paranoid fixation with the wealthy industrialists that has culminated in a series of bizarre rants on the Senate floor.

 

Radio Legend Casey Kasem Found

World News Bureau - Casey Kasem has been found in a remote area of Washington state three days after a Los Angeles judge expressed concerns about the ailing radio host’s whereabouts and safety.

While Kasem’s condition was not immediately known, a purported photo appears to show him well in a scenic unidentified area (below).

 

Radio legend Casey Kasem

 

Russia Expels American Reporter Because He Looks "Faggy"

MOSCOW (WNB) - Russian authorities have expelled an American reporter from their country on the grounds he looks gay.

World News Bureau head Scooter Van Neuter was escorted from his Moscow hotel early Thursday morning and taken to the airport by government authorities who determined he "looked faggy." Van Neuter was in Russia reporting on the Eurovision talent show controversy.

"If he (Van Neuter) wants to act like a girl, he can do that with other homos in Europe or the US - not here," said a Russian police captain.

Van Neuter claims Russian authorities roughed him up and stole his curling iron and makeup.

 

WNB Editor in Chief Scooter Van Neuter

Hillary to Showcase Her Vigor

NEW YORK (WNB) - Hillary Clinton's handlers are reportedely crafting an image campaign that will portray her in a more youthful, energetic way.

As the likely candidate nears her expected declaration to run for president, a number of stories have recently questioned her age and physical well-being. Sources say Clinton will counter by borrowing a page from First Lady-Michelle Obama's playbook by being photographed vigorously working out (below) and dancing whenever possible.

"Far from being old, Mrs. Clinton is vivaciously active," said one unidentified staff member. "On any given day, you'll find Hillary at the gym or maybe even running a marathon someplace - she's always in motion!"

 

"Always in motion" - Hillary Clinton