World News Bureau

Pentagon To Build Robots With Morals

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The Obama administration has awarded $7.5 million to researchers from Tufts, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, Brown, Yale and Georgetown Univerities to design and build autonomous military robots with a sense of right and wrong.

"The new breed of military robots will be more human-like and as such, must be programed with a moral set mirroring their human counterparts," said project head Paul Bettino.

"For example, autonomous robots will be programmed to know that killing non-combatants is unacceptable behavior, unless of course it's an unwanted unborn baby. Also, they will have to understand the difference between two men fighting and having sex - in today's military that's critical."

 

 

Administration Wants Transgendered Troops

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Secretary of Defense Chuch Hagel has again addressed the administration's desire to have transgendered individuals serving in the military.

Appearing on ABC's This Week, Hagel said the current ban on transgendered troops should be reviewed, saying, "every qualified American who wants to serve our country should have an opportunity, no matter how sexually perverted or confused they may be."

The Pentagon has already prepared a unique insignia identification system for transgendered soldiers allowing medical personnel to determine what gender of individual they are dealing with, and with what sexual equipment (below).

 

Planned Parenthood Head Mother's Day Tweet

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Abortion provider Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards sent out a Mother's Day greeting via Twitter Sunday.

The Tweet's message said "Love to mothers and grandmothers everywhere!" and included a photo of a smiling grandmotherly woman holding what appears to be a dead aborted baby.

 

 

 

Michelle Obama: Bring It Back #2

 

North Korea Unleashes Racist Tirade At Obama

PYONGYANG, DPRK (WNB) - North Korea’s state-run Korean Central News Agency recently directed a tirade of racial slurs at United States President Barack Obama.

According to news reports, the article refers to the President as "having the body of a pre-pubescent white girl," and goes on to accuse him of being "a skinny white bitch with a bad spray tan."

U.S. State Department spokesperson Marie Harf called the verbal attack "offensive, ridiculous, and absurd," saying, "The President is at least half black, and body shape aside, is unquestionably male."

Harf also called the article's accompanying photo (below) "likely not real." 

 

 

STDs Set Record

ATLANTA, Georgia (WNB) - The sexually transmitted disease chlamydia had the largest number of reported cases of any notifiable disease in the U.S. in the last reporting period, according to the Center for Disease Control (CDC).

In addition, health officials say syphilis has reached its highest level since 1995. While female cases of the STD have steadily decreased over the past five years, gay and bisexual male cases have skyrocketed.

 

 Lindsay Lohan, Barney Frank

 

Bring It Back

Climate Disruption: A Call To Action 2

Special report by Scooter Van Neuter (WNB) - In response to the great feedback I received about yesterday's article outlining my personal efforts to combat global warming climate change climate disruption, here's a few more practical steps anyone can take to help save our planet:

SAVING ELECTRICITY

Everyone knows that we need to save electricity, but how? It's not like you can put it into an electricity piggy bank. Obviously, the only way to save electricity is to put it into batteries which then can be used to transfer the electricity back to nature. Here's how I do it:

1. I purchased several hundred battery chargers from Tsumting Shti Trading Company on Ebay. These quality Chinese units were only $1.10 each (delivered), and charge eight C batteries at a time. With the addition of shelving racks and dozens of power strips I was able to convert my wasted back bedroom into a green charging farm.
2. I set aside a few hundred dollars a week to buy rechargeable batteries which I then charge in the chargers. 
3. Every Friday after a solemn prayer to Mother Earth, I return the saved electricity by dumping the batteries into nearby Lake Pleasant. For those of you who don't know science, the water conducts and absorbs the electricity which is then carried back to the ozone layer by natural evaporation (see diagram below). 

REDUCING ELECTRICITY CONSUMPTION

In addition to saving electricity, I also actively reduce the amount my household is consuming. There are two primary ways to do this:

1. Reduce the current pathways by reducing the number of wire strands. On all stranded electrical cables I carefully snip at least half the strands to achieve a 50% electricity usage reduction. In wet areas, make sure you insulate the reductions with electrical tape.
2. Restrict current by impeding flow. On the main cable running from my electric meter to breaker box I've applied several strong hose clamps, thereby restricting electrical flow. Be careful when doing this - clamp too tight and appliances may run slow, too loose and energy reduction is minimal.

The responsibility to save our planet rests with us all, please join me in making a difference - for our children's sake.

 

 

Climate Disruption: A Call To Action

Special Report By Scooter Van Neuter - While I expected it to be grim, the National Climate Assessment released Tuesday by the federal government paints a dire picture far worse than I could have possibly imagined.

The 840-page report essentially says that unless we immediately start modifying our lifestyles, Americans are doomed to alternately bake, freeze, be tornadoed, hurricaned, mudslided, forest fired, and ultimately drowned in our own living rooms. The kicker is, these aren't things that are going to happen 50 or 100 years from now, but soon. Real soon. For me, this was a call to action.

After carefully analyzing my own lifestyle, I identified several areas I needed to address: (1) Automobile, (2) House, and (3) Lifeforms.

Here's the steps I took to save our planet; feel free to adapt these green improvements to your own lifestyle - I can't do it alone.

AUTOMOBILE: Being somewhat of an engineer (3 years of high school shop class, including one as a teacher's aide), I realized the major factors causing my car to destroy the ozone layer were its air and rolling resistances.

• Air resistance modification: I welded a steel framework to my car in order to attach foam I aerodynamically sculpted. I then covered the foam with a durable fiberglass skin. Results: Fuel mileage increased by almost 1.5 miles per gallon and the advanced styling (below left) draws thumbs-up everywhere!
• Rolling resistance modification: This was fairly easy - I simply replaced the air in my tires with an epoxy-concrete mixture. I was careful to fill the tires to approximately 70 lbs pressure before it hardened. Results: Fuel mileage increased an incredible 5 miles per gallon and my car will roll for miles, allowing me to drive with the engine off most of the time.

HOUSE: Living in Arizona, it takes a great deal of electricity to cool our homes. The most obvious way to increase efficiency of one's AC system is to cool the incoming airstream.

•  Auxiliary pre-cooling: I mounted window-type AC units directly in front of the return vents in every room. The difference was impressive - my main AC unit now runs 22% less than before, saving kilowatt hours and polar bears.

Lifeforms: Everyone knows human and animal farts are among the biggest destroyers of the ozone layer, in fact many scientists blamed Hurricane Sandy solely on the aftermath of Chris Christie's legendary visits to the Golden Corral Buffet.

• Fart suppression/filtering: In addition to putting myself and my two dogs on a low-fart diet, I ingeniously designed and constructed small personal air purification devices (below right) allowing us to filter dangerous climate-kiling methane gas. A side benefit is my whole house has a much cleaner, less nauseating scent which my girlfriend Heather really likes. Result: The Ozone layer appears to be much stronger over my house and Heather sometimes sleeps over.

This is just a beginning, I'm already working on my next round of green lifestyle enhancements - more later.

 

I go green: Advanced vehicle aerodynamics improve gas mileage, personal air purifiers save polar bears

 

California Rep. Wants $26 Hr Minimum Wage

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Rep. Barbara Lee (RTRD-California) thinks her home state should increase its minimum wage to as much as $26 an hour.

Appearing on CNN’s "Crossfire." Lee said she likes the mayor of Seattle’s proposal to increase the city’s minimum wage to $15 an hour, and would encourage such a plan in California for even more money.

"It's simple math - the more money you pay people, the more goods and services they buy from businesses, forcing those companies to hire more workers," said Lee. "The only problem I see with this plan is it may create too many businesses, requiring us to import workers from Mexico or someplace like that."

Despite criticism by some conservative California lawmakers, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer was quick to support Lee's proposal, calling it "the key to solving all of California's problems." 

 

Business-creating guru Rep. Barbara Lee (RTRD-Ca)

 

Pelosi Tattoo

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Rep. John Boehner (R-OH), Rep. Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-CA), first lady Michelle Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and HBO's "Veep" star Julia Louis-Dreyfus appeared together in a short comedy video at the White House correspondents dinner Saturday night.

At one point in the road trip spoof Dreyfus and Biden visit a tattoo parlor, only to find Pelosi getting inked (below). Pelosi recently was awarded The Margaret Sanger Award by Planned Parenthood for her tireless efforts at promoting the killing of unborn children.

 

Yes We Did!

Survey: Russian Happiness Index at Record High

MOSCOW (WNB) - Despite their country preparing for military conflict and suffering a weak economy, a new survey says Russians are the happiest they have been in 25 years.

In its annual "Happiness Index," the VTsIOM public opinion research center said 92 percent of Russian respondents said they were happy. The top reasons given for that happiness was (1) Barack Obama is not their president, (2) Vodka prices are down, and (3) Vladimir Putin is doing a good job as president.

 

 

President Observes Day of Prayer Without Prayer

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama again managed to successfully observe this year's "National Day of Prayer" without mentioning God (capital 'G') or praying.

An expert of the President's address:

"I invite the citizens of our nation to give thanks in accordance with any beliefs or energies they may or may not be guided by, including faiths, consciences, whims, hunches, feelings, visions, or hallucinations, and I join all people of whatever faith they may or may not have in asking the god or gods of their understanding, if any, to provide guidance, mercy, and protection as we seek a more just world free of hateful belief systems that would oppose basic, immutable rights such as abortion and gay marriage."