World News Bureau

Veterans Posing As Illegal Immigrants To Get Help

EL PASO, Texas (WNB) - An increasing number of American war veterans are turning up among immigrant "dreamers" illegally entering the U.S. in an attempt to obtain assistance and needed medical treatment.

"It's pretty obvious - a 67-year-old guy dressed as a Mexican child is hard to miss," said one HHS aid worker. "We've been told to care for everyone coming across the border, so we do."

"I didn't really have a choice," said one Vietnam veteran who calls himself 'Little Lupe.' "While I was sick and starving, Obama's importing thousands of illegal aliens and giving them everything. I've been here two days and have already received great food, medical care, sexual identity orientation (they told me I'm gay), a box of rubbers, new clothes, and some great toys."

The Obama administration admits "some" veterans are masquerading as "dreamers," but refuse to divulge how many, but sources say the number is in the hundreds and increasing every day.

 

Veteran masquerades as illegal immigrant "dreamer"

 

HHS Rushing to Provide Abortions, Sexual Identity Orientation to Illegals

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The Obama administration is scrambling to provide "family planning" and "sexual identity orientation" to the thousands of illegal immigrant youths pouring unimpeded across the border.

The Department of Health and Human Services (HSS) says they are moving as quickly as possible to utilize over $350 million allocated to provide abortions, contraceptives, and LGBT counseling to the young "dreamers."

"Many of these young individuals are from third world countries and have no idea they're even gay," said an HHS spokesperson. "We've got a lot of work to do."

In addition, shipments of gay-oriented clothing, sex toys, and lubricants are being rushed to military bases warehousing the rapidly growing population of young immigrants.

 

"Dreamers" receive HHS supplied Anal Lube as part of gender identity orientation

 

Secret Service Agent: Hillary One Evil Bitch

NEW YORK (WNB) - A new book written by a longtime Secret Service agent who served with several presidential administrations describes Hillary Clinton in less-than-flattering terms.

Relating an incident while traveling abroad with the then first lady, the author writes, "I accidentally made eye contact with her when she farted loudly. "What the hell do you think you're looking at, you miserable f*cking little pr*ck?" she screamed. Before I could react, she whacked me over the head with her laptop, briefly knocking me out. When I came to, she was attempting to take off my pants. Hillary's one evil, disgusting bitch."

Another passage recounts Clinton's reaction when an agent accidentally brushed against her while helping her into a car: "Hey, what the f*ck!! My name's not Bill - I'm not looking for some horny pervert to rub all over me, you disgusting piece of sh*t! She turned and attempted to kick me in the crotch, but I was able to move away (she did put a dent in the door, however). Later in the car, she blew her nose all over the back of my head."

 

Winner - Maya Angelou Memorial Poetry Competition

(WNB) - The winner of the World News Bureau Maya Angelou Memorial Poetry Competition as determined by our distinguished panel of judges is the haunting "Dark Seas" by reader Yama Geluano:

 

Dark Seas by Yama Geluano

We were free at home, safe to roam,

then came the voyage of tears.

Huddled below deck, in the mire and the dreck,

together, yet alone with our fears.

Why did this happen? Why am I here?

Hours turn into days with no land in sight,

Accommodations drab, the food not right.

I was proud, I was free, I was all God wanted me to be,

now I'm heading to a foreign land, captive on a dark sea.

All that I had would be all I would lose, 

When fate put me on this damned Carnival Cruise.

 

Maya Angelou is no doubt applauding from Heaven - congratulations to Yama from everyone at World News Bureau.

Please note that due to the size of the award check, it will be shipped motor freight - please allow three weeks for delivery.

 

 

Obama Putting Positive Spin On Immigrant Stampede

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The Obama administration is working to counter the growing backlash over the tens of thousands of illegal immigrants flooding unimpeded into the United States.

The White House issued a press release (below) Tuesday morning promoting the positive aspects of what many are calling "a tsunami of welfare and crime."

Conservatives are doing a disservice to these hard-working and intelligent individuals coming into our country by calling them uneducated or unproductive.

Statistics indicate that already in areas of Texas and Arizona one can now get quality yard care and janitorial services for less than 30 cents an hour, and that number is expected to go even lower. 

In addition, massive government assistance will allow these individuals to purchase goods and services, no doubt strengthening the economy. Even the inevitable higher crime rate will ultimately result in thousands of new police and correctional institution jobs.

Democrat President Barack Obama welcomes our new friends and neighbors to the United States.

 

Critics Pan Hillary's New Book

NEW YORK (WNB) - Even though it doesn't officially come out until Tuesday, literary critics are already trashing Hillary Clinton's new book Hard Choices, subtitled My husband bones everyone but me.

"Not one word about her enormous cankles or the fact she's single-handedly turned more men gay than perhaps any woman in the last 100 years. It's a snooze-fest," said World News Bureau's Harvey Melstein. 

Literary Afternoon's Jason Bagel wrote, "Just looking at the cover explains Bill's serial horn-dogging, I didn't need to read 300 pages to get it. This is the literary equivelent of Hillary's Secretary of State career." 

Despite the advanced bad press, Hard Choices is currently listed at #2 on Amazon Books.

 

Body Language Expert: Putin "Agitated" At D-Day Ceremony

NEW YORK (WNB) - A noted body language expert said Russian President Vladimir Putin appeared to be displaying "alpha male" behavior in the presence of U.S. President Barack Obama at Friday's ceremony commemorating D-Day.

Dr. Nick Morgan made the conclusion after evaluating video of the event released by the French government.

"Of the two of them, Putin appears to be the more agitated," said Morgan. He cautioned the clip was too short to glean substantial amounts of information. "You can't tell much from a clip that short, that's the caveat. Nonetheless, it's fun to speculate a little bit." 

 

Vladimir Putin appears agitated around President Obama

 

Tense Moments Between Putin and Obama

NORMANDY, France (WNB) - There were tense moments on a Normandy beach Friday between Vladimir Putin and President Obama. The two leaders were gathered with others to observe the 70th anniversary of D-Day.

Reports indicate the brash Putin was displaying his physical prowess on the beach when he either accidentally or on purpose kicked sand on President Obama and First Lady Michelle. Words were exchanged and Obama characteristically backed down, apparently to the disdain of an angry Mrs. Obama.

The exchange comes one day after comments by Putin ridiculing a video of President Obama using womens' barbells.

Below is an artist's rendering of the incident.

 

(click to enlarge) Tense moments between the Obamas and Russian President Vladimir Putin 

 

Putin Ridicules Obama Workout Video

MOSCOW (WNB) - Russian President Vladimir Putin was overheard commenting Thursday on a recently released video of President Obama pumping iron in a Polish hotel (below).

The Russian president was preparing to be interviewed on a local news program when he joked about the video, apparently unaware he was being recorded.

"I think it's good Mr. Obama is working on wing strength, maybe he will become the first chicken to fly," said the laughing Putin.

White House spokesman Jay Carney defended President Obama, calling him "more like a brave pigeon or resolute sparrow."

 

President Obama works the 2 lb. barbells in Poland

 

Dramatic Hillary Makeover

WORLD NEWS BUREAU -  Hillary Clinton is appearing on the cover of People Magazine for the 16th time, and amazingly appears to have dropped 40 pounds and at least 25 years.

"It's not uncommon to touch up a photo, especially for a cover, but good God, someone spent all week working on this one. I saw Hillary the other day and she looked like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, only with weirder cheeks," said one media expert. "I don't know who that is on the cover."

A leaked cover reported to be the original unedited version (below) indicates the amount of work that went into the final product.

The fawning article is the latest in what promises to be a major media love-fest designed to propel Clinton into the presidency.

 

Terrorists Tricked Obama Into Exchanging Bergdahl

WORLD NEWS BUREAU SPECIAL REPORT - Sources say the terrorist group that sheltered Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl for five years couldn't wait to get rid of him.

"They (the Haqqani terror group) have been trying to trade him almost since he showed up. Bergdahl talked jihad but all he did was sit around and smoke pot, eat all the food, and complain."

Finally, the terrorists got smart, and the last "proof-of-life" video they recorded showed Bergdahl looking haggard and perhaps bruised. U.S. intelligence analysts discovered too late that it was a ploy to convince Washington he was in failing health and needed to be freed promptly. Obama bit and ordered the exchange despite protests from the Pentagon.

Newly released photos purported to show Bergdahl smoking a joint and drinking beer with a possible prostitute may add credence to the growing speculation he was with the  terrorists because he wanted to be.

 

More Guantanamo Terrorists Exchanged

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The Obama administration announced Tuesday they have exchanged seven more prisoners from Guantanamo.

The convicted terrorists were reportedly exchanged for two Humvees and a pair of Oakley sunglasses that have been held by the Taliban for over five years.

"The timing was right, and we felt like we had to act," said a State Department spokesman. "Also, there was a real question as to whether either Hummer has had an oil change - we couldn't chance it."

The exchange was again made in Qatar.

 

 

Time: Being Sexually Confused is the Next Civil Rights Frontier