World News Bureau

Michelle Obama: Junk Food Changed My Blood

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Michelle Obama on Wednesday confided that her blood has become chemically altered.

Although descended from generations of Americans, the First Lady told a group of young Africans "the blood of Africa runs through my veins."

A noted Baylor University toxicologist said it is possible for certain diets to alter blood composition. "A high fat diet of things like cheeseburgers, chili cheese fries, and malts can give someone third world or 'African'-type blood. A characteristic of this condition is an otherwise slender person having an enormous ass."

Mrs. Obama's statement confirms what many have long suspected.

 

First Lady Michelle Obama and First Dog Bo 

 

Indiana Besieged By Illegals Fleeing Chicago

GARY, Indiana (WNB) - Gary, Indiana authorities are reporting hundreds of illegal immigrants swarming into their town, apparently fleeing Chicago.

The immigrants, mostly Hondurans fleeing their own violence-torn country, had just been relocated to Chicago by the government. "That place ten times worse than home," said one sobbing 10-year-old girl who had been beaten and robbed of her sneakers when she got off the bus in the Windy City.

Illinois authorities report that out of the 1000 illegals dropped off in Chicago this week, 6 are dead, 124 injured, 13 missing, and the remainder making their way to Indiana on foot.

 

 

Obama: Muslims Built Fabric Of Nation

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Barack Hussein Obama issued the following politically correct statement celebrating the Muslim holiday "Eid-al-Fitr" on Monday.

This last month has been a time of fasting, reflection, spiritual renewal, and service to the less fortunate. While Eid marks the completion of Ramadan, it also celebrates the common values that unite us in our humanity.

In the United States, Eid also reminds us of the many achievements and contributions of Muslim Americans to building the very fabric of our nation and strengthening the core of our democracy. 

Translated for accuracy:

For Muslims this last month has been a time of wife beating, carpet kissing, and of course, sodomizing nephews. While Eid marks the completion of Ramadamadingdong, it also celebrates values that separate them from civilized humanity - beheading infidels, Killing Jews, beating and mutilating women, and obviously, blowing themselves up.

In the United States, Eid also reminds us of the single achievement Muslim Americans have contributed to our nation - piloting taxicabs smelling like ass.

 

 

Israel's Leadership to Obama: "Please Go F*ck Yourself"

TEL AVIV, Israel (WNB) - A senior Israeli official on Tuesday angrily reacted to President Obama's ongoing heavy-handed attempts to shield Hamas from further harm.

Speaking on Israel's Army Radio, Minister of Foreign Affairs Avigdor Lieberman said Israel's leadership is 'fed up' with Obama and Kerry ordering them daily to cease fire while Hamas continues killing Israelis. "Here's our reply: Go f*ck yourself."

Sec. of State John Kerry called the comments "not the way partners are supposed to talk to each other." adding, "Cease fire! Cease fire! Cease fire!"

 

Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

 

N. Korea Threatens to Nuke White House

PYONGYANG, DPRK (WNB) - A top-ranking North Korean military official on Sunday threatened a nuclear strike on the White House after accusing Washington of raising military tensions on the Korean peninsula.

Mi Whang So-Itahbidi, director of the military's General Political Bureau, made the threat during a speech to an audience of tiny senior citizens dressed in brown uniforms and giant hats, on the anniversary of the armistice that ended the 1950-53 Korean War.

 

 

N. Korea Chastised For Threat to Nuke White House

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The Tea Party has condemned North Korea for threatening a nuclear strike on the White House over recent tensions between the two countries.

A Tea Party spokesman on Monday released the following statement delivered to North Korean head Kim Jong-un:

Dear Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un,

With all due respect, your nation's threat to strike the White House with a nuclear weapon is simply unacceptable in today's civilized world, especially in light of the fact President Obama will not be at that location for much of the coming month of August.

The President, who was fond of referring to your father Kim Jong-il as "that fat little zipperhead," will be vacationing August 9th through the 24th on the island of Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts at a house located at 72 Gosnold's Way in Chilmark (see photo below). The GPS coordinates are latitude 41.371815, longitude 70.74561699999998.

Please be aware that with the exception of small islands off the northeast mainland, any military strike against the United States would likely be considered a hostile act. We urge you to very carefully consider any such action.

Sincerely,

Tea Party Patriots

 

LIVE FROM GAZA - Part 4

GAZA, Palestinian Territory (WNB) -  Scooter Van Neuter is reporting live from Gaza, as Israeli forces mount a ground offensive against Hamas positions in the Gaza Strip.

I'm glad to report Mistee has rejoined me as my editorial assistant. I guess when her new Muslim girlfriend discovered she's half Jewish, there was an ugly incident involving a rusty paring knife and Mistee's neck. I made Mistee wear a Arab hijab so I don't have to look at her disgusting wound on our last day of reporting.

9:30 a.m. - I've arranged for us to be embedded with an Israeli Defense Force (IDF) tactical unit searching for Hamas tunnels today. We meet up with the four-member team in front of our hotel.

9:38 a.m. - Team leader Sgt. Toviyyah expresses reservations concerning Mistee's choice of clothing. She tells him about her neck situation and despite his obvious concerns, we move out.

10:07 a.m. - We make our way through a Palestinian neighborhood and into a dark warehouse suspected of possibly concealing a tunnel and munitions. Mistee and I are briefly separated from the squad as we stop to take some photos. It is very dark. Very hot. Very scary.

10:16 a.m. - Rounding a corner, suddenly all hell breaks loose as a dark figure comes flying out of the shadows and viciously drop-kicks Mistee, sending her reeling into a stack of pallets! My fear quickly turns to relief as I discover it's just one of the IDF guys who mistakenly identified Mistee as an enemy combatant. Outside of her neck wound bleeding again, she's thankfully unhurt, but when she regains consciousness she's clearly irritated. With no apology whatsoever, the Sergeant orders Mistee to "quit crying and stay close." Maybe the French are right about these guys.

12:24 p.m. - After unsuccessfully searching for tunnels, we take a break for lunch. The IDF guys are eating rations in an alley while Mistee and I go around the corner to a small store to find something to eat and maybe a postcard. We purchase some tasty lamb skewers and Mistee buys a large fanny-pack she's been wanting.

12:39 p.m. - For no apparent reason, Mistee is violently kung-fued by two of the IDF guys when she enters the ally ahead of me. The only thing that stops the other guys from shooting her is my piercing, high-pitched screams. Realizing it's us, the soldiers go back to eating while I pulled Mistee out of the garbage dumpster. One of the Jews makes a disparaging remark about her fanny pack and I resist the urge to ask who the hell made him the fashion police? No wonder the Arabs want to blow these guys up - they're dicks. I notice Mistee is missing a boob, which may be related to the lamb skewer protruding from that general area, but luckily outside of the possible implant issue and a little unresolved anger, she's fine. I can't wait to get away from these guys and get back to the hotel.

4:58 p.m. - The kikes finally found a tunnel to blow up, but not before accidently assaulting Mistee twice more in dark buildings, and even once in broad daylight when she attempted to slug one with the fanny pack. The IDF guys abandoned us eight blocks from our hotel, but thankfully some locals helped us get back safely, although Mistee was sexually assaulted when she inadvertently flashed an ankle.

5:46 p.m. - I'm packing for our early morning flight back to the States while Mistee receives medical attention at a nearby hospital. It's good to be away from her, as all she did today was complain. I make a mental note to replace her as soon as possible.

This was a dangerous, hard story to cover, but I'm proud we were able to bring the gritty reality of this conflict to our American readers. 

Scooter Van Neuter Friday July 25, 2014

 

Editorial assistant Mistee in a Gaza dumpster

 

LIVE FROM GAZA - Part 3

GAZA, Palestinian Territory (WNB) -  Scooter Van Neuter is reporting live from Gaza, as Israeli forces mount a ground offensive against Hamas positions in the Gaza Strip.

This morning I hired the hotel desk clerk's sister, Fariha Lamya-Ghadir, (English translation: "Happy Brown-Lipped Horse Pond"), as my editorial assistant to replace Mistee. A big plus is Fariha has news experience and speaks fairly good English. On the minus side, she has more facial hair than me and smells like a diseased yak.

10:13 a.m. - After instructing Fariha on the job fundamentals - phone etiquette, laying out my clothes, basic cocktail mixology, no using my bathroom, no direct eye contact, etc. We moved to our balcony vantage point in order to report on the Israeli offensive.

10:57 a.m. - The Gaza neighborhood below is a surreal landscape of burning cars, darting combatants, and scattered explosions. If I were closer I would see the stern determination mixed with fear etched on the young faces of the Hamas fighters as they indiscriminately fire their tommy guns from behind piles of smoldering rubble. IDF soldiers in the next block are almost certainly grimacing in the heat, smoke, and noise as they crouch behind an tank-like vehicle with a cannon on top. One boy-faced soldier is probably yelling for more ammo and bombs, as another maybe curses the enemy while laying down a deadly hail of hot lead from his powerful army rifle. The sultry morning air is heavy with the acrid smell of gun powder, bomb smoke, and desperation, I would imagine. 

11:34 p.m. - Reporting on the carnage unfolding 11 stories below and four blocks away is mentally and physically exhausting, especially without binoculars. Fariha and I go downstairs for a delicious lunch of lamb skewers and Mai Tais.

1:12 p.m. - I'm not sure what's worse, watching people being torn apart by shrapnel in a spray of blood and tissue, or watching Fariha eat lamb skewers - it was like a National Geographic special on the feeding habits of hyenas, only more violent. Judging by the fact our waiter did not duck under a table as I did, one can only assume blasting a loud, greasy fart after the last bite of a meal is considered normal in this culture. For a second Fariha looked like a large, black puffer fish as the canvas bag she was wearing (hijab? burqa?) briefly inflated. A small lizard on the floor went into what appeared to be some kind of seizure before going tits up under her chair. Lamb grease glistened on Fariha's lips like Vaseline. 

1:31 p.m. - The stress of war has obviously compromised my immune system so I've decided to take the rest of the day off. I gave Fariha my crappiest camera and sent her on a photographic assignment to get some pics of the nearby Israeli check point, then called the IDF tip line to report a suspected suicide bomber covered in lamb grease in the area.

More tomorrow, if I'm up for it.

 

Editorial assistant Fariha Lamya-Ghadir

 

LIVE FROM GAZA - Part 2

GAZA, Palestinian Territory (WNB) -  Scooter Van Neuter is reporting live from Gaza, as Israeli forces mount a ground offensive against Hamas positions in the Gaza Strip.

Reporting live from a war zone is dangerous work, something my editorial assistant Mistee and I found out over the weekend when an arranged tour of a Hamas smuggling tunnel led to us being locked in our hotel's basement supply closet to the point of near death.

Paying my Palestinian contact $5000 for the trip was almost as humiliating as the four days Mistee and I spent drinking our own urine, eating crickets and part of a mop, and watching each other poop at close range. I'm pretty sure the latter turned Mistee into a lesbian, as she left me and has apparently moved in with the cleaning woman who rescued us.

One thing is for certain, I will never stay at the Grand Palace Hotel again, especially since they saw fit to add the three nights in the supply closet to my room bill, and the crickets and mop to my restaurant tab. Excuse my rant, but where do they get off charging nine dollars a cricket? I've had better ones in Detroit for half that price. I packed my bags and checked out.

When I got to my new hotel the first thing I did was place a call to the Israeli Defense Force tip line to report Hamas was transporting rockets with the Grand Palace Hotel manager's new Mercedes. Two hours later you can still see the smoke :)

 

Not a Hamas tunnel

 

Pelosi: Treat Immigrant Children Like Baby Jesus

WASHINGTON (WNB) - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-CA) is demanding that illegal immigrant children flooding into the country be treated the same as the refugee baby Jesus.

The noted Biblical scholar and abortion advocate told an interviewer on MSNBC's Morning Joe Tuesday, "As I visited these dear children I was moved by the fact many of them looked so much like the little baby Jesus - at least the boys and not a few of the girls. I want to make sure they are treated no differently than the refugee baby Jesus was."

Surprising, many conservatives were quick to agree with Pelosi. House Majority Leader John Boehner called a press conferance Tuesday morning to announce his support for her demands, saying he was drafting emergency legislation requiring all young illegal immigrants to be immediately sent to Egypt.

 

 

First Annual Trayvon Martin Day

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - More than 200 people marched through the Crenshaw District Saturday to commemorate the one year anniversary of the verdict acquitting George Zimmerman of murdering Trayvon Martin.

In memory of the fallen youth, the marchers videoed themselves bragging about crimes "gangsta style" while sipping Trayvon's favorite, "Purple Drank," before chasing down and beating Caucasian and Asian individuals unfortunate enough to be in the area.

Luckily for the marchers, none of the victims were carrying a firearm.

 

 

George Zimmerman On Trayvon Martin Day

NOT MIAMI, Florida (WNB) - This weekend marked the one year anniversary of the verdict acquitting George Zimmerman of the murder of Trayvon Martin. A purported photo (below) taken Saturday appears to indicate it was just another day for the former neighborhood watch captain.

 

 

LIVE FROM GAZA: Israel's Operation Protective Edge

GAZA, Palestinian Territory (WNB) - Scooter Van Neuter is blogging live from Gaza, as Israeli forces mount a ground offensive against Hamas positions in the Gaza Strip.

My editorial assistant Mistee and myself have established a base of operations in Gaza at the Grand Palace Hotel. Our vantage point gives us a good view of Hamas strongholds and suspected tunnel locations.

We arrived late Thursday evening as Israeli forces (IDF) bombarded Hamas positions nearby. The electricity was out and I managed to get a substantial discount on the room, as well as complimentary terry robes and slippers for both of us. 

Friday 7/18/14

9:30 a.m. Woke up and called room service for some coffee and cheese blintzes, then called the front desk to register a complaint about our lack of sleep due to all the noise outside and smokey smell. The hotel is obviously poorly insulated.

9:58 a.m. We ate breakfast on the balcony so we could observe IDF movements in the surrounding neighborhoods. We saw several IDF armored vehicles down the street and explosions in the area. Mistee noticed two men leave the hotel below that appeared to be Hamas combatants - I managed to hit one with an ashtray, even from the seventh floor.

11:52 a.m.  Went to lunch. Mistee had a tuna salad sandwich and I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. Everything was good. Our waiter said the IDF killed the hotel assistant manager with an ashtray this morning. I suspect Hamas did it to try to make the Israelis look bad, as that's something they've been known to do.

1:00 p.m.  We went to the pool to catch some rays and watch the sky for possible Israeli paratroopers or drones. Our cocktail waitress said IDF troops were outside looking for tunnels.

3:06 p.m.  Got back to our room. The stress of combat is clearly taking its toll on both of us. I ordered some chicken fingers and a pitcher of margaritas from room service. 

3:35 p.m. The chicken fingers arrived and they were excellent. We heard an explosion.

5:03 p.m.  We see smoke coming from a few blocks away. Mistee thinks it's a barbecue grill, but I don't think so because the smoke is too heavy. Also, it smells like rubber. We decide to take a nap.

8:08 p.m.  It's been a long day and Mistee is hungry. We're going to catch a meal at the fantastic restaurant downstairs after having a few cocktails in the lobby bar. One last glance out the window confirms something's still going on outside. 

Mistee observes IDF movements in Gaza

 

Obama: Thank God Downed Plane Wasn't Carrying Immigrants

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama on Thursday reacted with a combination of sadness and relief to news that a Malaysian Airlines passenger plane was shot down, killing 298 people.

Obama told reporters, "It's with a heavy heart that I've learned of the passenger jet apparently downed by a missle over Ukraine. While this is no doubt a tragedy, we were relieved to hear that no Mexican or Central American immigrants heading to the United States were onboard."

 

 

Sheila Jackson Lee - Border Is Under Control

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Texas Democratic Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee denied charges the Obama administration is drawing thousands of illiterate, unskilled, and criminal immigrants into the country by suddenly refusing to enforce the southern border.

On MSNBC Jackson Lee recently said, "I strenuously do not agree that the border is not under control. The fact of the matter is, it is under tremendous control, by whomever is not as important as the fact that it is - and it is.

 

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee

 

Elizabeth Warren - New "Rock Star" of the Democratic Party

SHEPHERDSTOWN, West Virginia (WNB) - Sen. Elizabeth Warren showed why many liberal analysts are referring to her as the new "rock star" of the Democratic Party, as she campaigned in West Virginia for Democratic Senate hopeful Natalie Tennant Monday.

The diminutive Warren whipped the audience into a frenzy with a combination of Native American phrases and hand gestures, coupled with old fashioned class warfare Wall Street bashing.

"UGH. HOW! The way I see this, Citibank, Goldman Sachs, all those other palefaces on Wall Street are making heap big wampum for the fat cats," she said, doing the "tomahawk" in the air to make her points. "We need a squaw like Natalie in the U.S. Senate willing to scalp some profits for the average American family. UGH."

 

 

D'Souza's "America" is Vital Refreshment for Obama-Besieged Nation

By Gina Miller

Audio version: D'Souza's  "America" is Vital Refreshment for Obama Besieged Nation

On Sunday afternoon, my husband and I finally set aside a little time to make a very rare visit to the movie theater to see Dinesh D’Souza’s, America: Imagine the World Without Her.  I know many clear-minded people have already written glowing reviews, but there’s always room for one more big thumbs-up.  A number of liberals have also written typically spiteful “reviews” in an effort to thwart attendance.  But, as we fully understand, if liberals hate it, then we know it’s probably good, and this is certainly true with America.

From the movie’s website is this synopsis:

Someone once observed: "America is great because she is good; if she ever ceases to be good she will cease to be great." Today that notion of the essential goodness of America is under attack, replaced by another story in which theft and plunder are seen as the defining features of American history—from the theft of Native American and Mexican lands and the exploitation of African labor to a contemporary foreign policy said to be based on stealing oil and a capitalist system that robs people of their "fair share".

Our founding fathers warned us that, although the freedoms they gave us were hard fought, they could very easily be lost. America stands at a crossroads, and the way we understand our past will determine our future. America the movie takes 21st-century Americans into the future by first visiting our past.

READ MORE HERE

 

 

 

Highlights Of The 2014 World Cup

RIO DE JANERIO, Brazil - by World News Bureau Sports Editor Scooter Van Neuter

Sunday 3:08 (IST) The 2014 World Cup ends with one team outscoring the other.

 

Hamas Sending Drones Against Israel

JERUSALEM (WNB) -  Israel’s military downed a Hamas drone sent from Gaza on Monday. The unpiloted aircraft flew from the port city of Ashdod, about 14 miles north of the Palestinian enclave. It was the first drone known to have been sent into Israel from Gaza, adding a chilling new element to the week-old conflict.

The military air wing of Hamas claimed responsibility for sending the drone, describing the event on its website as one of the "surprises" it had promised over the last week.

An Israeli military spokesman downplayed the threat, saying the aircraft (below) consisted of a "crappy RC plane carrying a bag of dog sh*t."

 

Downed Hamas drone

 

 

Black Chicagoans: Obama "Typical Bitch-Ass Cracker"

CHICAGO (WNB) - A recent interview of Chicago inner-city Afro-Americans reveals anger and outrage over President Obama's attracting and sheltering thousands of illegal immigrants while the black community continues to suffer record crime and unemployment.

A common thread with many of the comments was the fact that many blacks now choose to identify the mixed-race Obama as being white.

"In typical fashion, the cracker half of this motherf*cker is calling the shots. We thought he was one of us, but turns out Obama's nothing more than your typical bitch-ass cracker with a good tan," said former Obama supporter Laqueefah "Juicy" Robinson. 

The avalanche of illiterate and unskilled immigrants are expected to commandeer many of the jobs blacks could have, if they wanted them.

 

Ex-Obama supporter: Obama's "white half calling the shots."