World News Bureau

Angry Obama Lashes Out Over Missed Intel Meetings

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama lost his temper with reporters at a White House news conference on Wednesday while answering questions about his missing the majority of security intelligence briefings during his second term:

• President Obama: I think you are all aware of the fact Michelle has us eating healthy these days, and that means lots of grains which means lots of fiber. As a result, during the time reserved for the intelligence meetings, on many mornings I've been forced to attend to 'personal' business.
• Fox reporter: Mr. President, what type of business was more important than the security of the country?
• President Obama: I think I just said - personal business. You know, bathroom business.
• CNN reporter: Mr. President, surely issues with White House restrooms aren't as important as possible terrorist threats.
• President Obama: Seriously, what are you not understanding about what I'm saying? I'm in the bathroom doing.... you know. Don't make me spell it out for you. C'mon, now.
• World News Bureau reporter: Is there a security-based reason why you are working in the bathroom versus, say, the Oval Office? 
• President Obama: No, there's a fixture reason - there's no toilet in the Oval Office. Really, people...
• CNN reporter: Mr. President, if I'm understanding you clearly, you're saying you would conduct the nation's business in the Oval Office if it was equipped with a toilet? Why?
• President Obama: No, I am not saying that at all. What I'm saying is I'm in the damned bathroom because I'm on the toilet during the scheduled daily intelligence briefings, okay? I'm on the toilet.
• World News Bureau reporter: Mr. President, can you elaborate on the nature of the threat to your office that is forcing you to work in the bathroom? Is it connected with ISIS or is it more of a domestic threat?
• President Obama: Look, I'm on the toilet because I'm pooping, alright? Do you understand? Because Michelle has me eating like a goddam cow, I'm blowing poop like a wood chipper three times a day. There, I said it. Meeting over. (leaves room)

   

President Obama lashes out out White House reporters

 

Clintons Delight In New Grandchild

NEW YORK CITY (WNB) - Bill and Hillary Clinton visited the newest member of their family, grandchild Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky, born to daughter Chelsea and her husband Marc on Friday.

While sources say the fiercely liberal former president and first lady were 'disappointed' their daughter chose not to abort the child, 'now that she's here they couldn't be happier.'  

Bill played the part of proud grandfather, reportedly telling anyone who would listen that little Charlotte has 'great legs and a promising rack - especially for an infant.' 

 

Artist rendering of Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky

 

Obama Picks Holder Replacement

WORLD NEWS EXCLUSIVE - White House sources say President Obama has chosen a replacement for outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder.

"After careful consideration, there was really only one candidate that possessed all of Holder's qualities, if not more so. The President's decision was an easy one," said the source.

While his name is yet unknown, a photo of Holder's replacement meeting with the President was exclusively obtained by World News Bureau (below).

The President will reportedly announce the new Attorney General publicly after notifying the House and Senate.

 

President Obama interviews Holder replacement

 

ISIS Vows Retribution For Counterfeit Shirts

QHATBOKS, Iraq (WNB) - ISIS, also called Islamic State, on Wednesday vowed to kill everyone involved in the production and marketing of counterfeit ISIS shirts (below) being unknowingly purchased by thousands of supporters worldwide.

"The infidels who have profaned Allah's chosen warriors will drown in their own blood - this we promise," said ISIS spokesman al-Fhart Aldai. 

Sources say over 623 non-English reading ISIS supporters have already been killed by their compatriots while unknowingly wearing the shirts marketed by international online news site World News Bureau.

 

 

Putin: Obama 'Weak', Maybe I'll Defeat ISIS

MOSCOW (WNB) - Russian President Vladimir Putin may be preparing to ride to the rescue in Syria and Iraq.

In a televised interview Tuesday, Putin called President Obama's air strikes against ISIS targets in Syria 'a meaningless show,' and referred to the American president as 'timid' and 'weak.'

"President Obama made a great show dropping bombs on empty buildings in the middle of the night," Putin said. "Maybe what is needed are fearless men on the ground killing these cowards in broad daylight, and possibly I am the leader to make that happen."

It's no secret that Putin has little respect for Obama, and rarely misses an opportunity to impugn his manhood and leadership (related stories: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6).

 

 

Tough Obama Rains Destruction Upon ISIS

RAQQA, Syria (WNB) - After finally relenting to worldwide pleas for his administration to do something about the brutal spread of the Islamic State (ISIS) in Syria and Iraq, President Obama directed the U.S. military to bomb multiple targets in and around the de facto ISIS capitol of Raqqa, Syria Monday night.

The assault consisted exclusively of dozens of planes and cruise missiles despite top generals' insistence that ISIS cannot be defeated without ground troops. The cost of the overnight bombing is estimated to be at least $100 million.

Tuesday morning revealed the following enemy assets destroyed:

• 7 buildings - apparently unoccupied at the time
• 13 suspected ISIS soldiers (or citizens wearing black tee shirts)
• 22 small, dilapidated pickup trucks - some with mounted guns
• 4 stolen Humvees
• 8 mopeds
• 12 donkeys
• 7 camels
• 124 goats 
• Inflatable swimming pool
• wheelbarrow

At a press conference Tuesday President Obama defended his decision to notify 'moderate' rebel groups in the area well in advance of the attack, insisting it played no part in the fact the thousands of ISIS troops living in Raqqa were apparently having a backyard barbecue in a neighboring town during the assault.

 

 

Hillary Love Letters To Saul Alinsky Surface

BERKELEY, California (WNB) -  Recently published letters from law student Hillary Rodham to radical Marxist Saul Alinsky expose her smoldering devotion to the author of 'Rules for Radicals', and vividly illustrates the basis of her left-wing political ideology.

Alinsky, who dedicated his book to Lucifer, is credited with defining modern day liberalism, and Hillary's letters appear to confirm the comments of one college acquaintance: "Alinsky was the brightest bug light of the day, and Hillary was uncontrollably drawn to him."

An excerpt:

"...your words speak truth to my innermost core. I lay awake at night feverishly yearning to be filled with your thoughts - my mind open, waiting, hungry.

Gradually my raw, vulnerable social consciousness yields to the relentless force of your inflamed ideology, and I am swept away by the heat of your passion. Your truths leave me breathless and wanting more - 

I really like your work."

Hillary 

 

New Study: Eric Holder Officially Dumbest SOB In America

NEW YORK (WNB) - A five year, $270 million study has concluded that Attorney General Eric Holder is officially the 'dumbest son of a bitch in America.'

Nine major universities took part in analyzing hundreds of factors, then superimposed the results upon 317 million residents of the United States - the largest study of its kind ever attempted. 

"We left nothing to chance - I can say with 100% certainty that Atty. General Holder is, by a comfortable margin, the dumbest son of a bitch in the nation," said MIT University Professor Clarence Young, project head. "In fact, he very well may be the dumbest son of bitch in the entire world."

 

 

Barbara Boxer Has Orgasm On Senate Floor

WASHINGTON (WNB) - In what will likely go down in history as one of the strangest moments in American politics, Sen. Barbara Boxer (RTRD-CA) reacted to an opponent's speech by apparently having an orgasm.

During the Senate Foreign Relation Committee hearing on U.S. strategy for combating ISIS on Wednesday, Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN) had just finished criticizing Secretary of State John Kerry's abysmal lack of leadership when a noticeably pale and quivering Boxer took the floor to announce his comments had left her "shaking and trembling." 

A source close to the California Senator later confided she had likely experienced an orgasm, but "having never had one before, was unable to identify it as such."

Thursday afternoon a laughing Sen. Corker told reporters that he would "make sure to at least take Boxer out to dinner" before criticizing Kerry again in front of her.

 

 

Obama Wants Wasserman Schultz Gone

WASHINGTON (WNB) - White House sources claim President Obama wants Debbie Wasserman Schultz replaced as head of the Democratic National Committee (DNC).

The President reportedly suspects Wasserman Schultz is secretly working with the Clinton camp to distance Hillary from the numerous scandals and failures of her former boss. "Obama thinks Wasserman Schultz is in bed with the Clintons, especially after she parroted Hillary's criticism of his inept handling of the border crisis," said the source. "The photo (below) didn't help, either." 

It's no secret that the Obamas and Clintons have little repect for each other.

  

 

Obama Sending Troops To Battle Ebola

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama on Tuesday announced he is sending 3000 troops to battle the Ebola virus in Liberia.

The Pentagon strategy calls for a planned combined forces assault starting with an aerial bombardment utilizing aircraft and submarine launched cruise missiles, followed by 'several days' of shelling by heavy artillery, then finally a coordinated mechanized and ground forces incursion into Ebola-held strongholds.

"Ebola is tough and unpredictable - it won't be easy," said General Payton Price. "Our plan is to hit it hard and hit it fast while minimizing collateral damage as much as possible."

In other military news, the Pentagon announced Wednesday they are sending another two military advisers and a drone to battle advancing ISIS forces in Iraq and Syria.

 

 

Obama ISIS Coalition Details Revealed

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The White House reports President Obama has assembled 'an impressive and formidable coalition' to battle the Islamic State (IS or ISIS), but has so far refused to divulge details. 

World News Bureau has now obtained exclusive information from sources inside the administration on the primary coalition partners and their individual contributions (below).

Australia - Sunglasses, sunscreen, beach towels, 2 kangaroos. 

Great Britain - 3 Small blimps, crumpets, socks, musical instruments.

France - Cheese, berets, white flags, poodles.

Germany - Bayonets, mustard, stylish uniforms.

Netherlands - Dykes, chocolates.

Canada - Snow shoes, plaid shirts, cookies, toboggans, clock radios.

Saudi Arabia - $300 billion, scarves.

Iraqi Kurdistan - Soldiers, weapons, 18 dilapidated Toyota pickups.

Vanuatu - Spears, axes, sticks.

 

 

Hillary Makes A Stink In Iowa

INDIANOLA, Iowa (WNB) - A calculated 'coming out' event for presumptive presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared to backfire Sunday, thanks to some bad potato salad and a hot microphone.

The Clintons were in Iowa to attend retiring Sen.Tom Harkin's annual steak fry fundraiser. All eyes were on Hillary as she addressed the enthusiastic crowd, but unfortunately what happened next cast a dark cloud over the event and likely left many supporters with a bad taste in their mouths: 

Audio file: Hillary in Iowa

Mrs. Clinton later blamed bad potato salad for the incident - the latest in a series of gaffes for the former first lady.

 

Pull my finger - former first lady Hillary Clinton clears her mind 

 

Browning-Style Planking Contest!

In honor of Unarmed Gentle Giant^(tm) Michael Brown, World News Bureau is pleased to announce the search for America's best Browning-style planker!

A distinguished panel of judges will pick a winning Browner based on composition, location, and style. Winner will receive a cash prize, valuable WNB gifts, and best of all, his/her Browning photo featured in a special World News Bureau article. Unimaginable fame and fortune will likely follow!

All photos must be of actual Browning, with details noted in illustration below - here's my girlfriend Heather showing how it's done. No regular planking photos. Email your entries (link in right column) no later than September 30. 

Honor the Unarmed Gentile Giant^(tm) with your best Browning! 

 

 

Uncovered: Syrian Rebel 'Vetting' Questionnaire

WASHINGTON (WNB) - In the wake of President Obama's declaration Wednesday that his administration intends to spend $4 billion to arm and support 'vetted moderate' rebels fighting in Syria, a source within the administration has released the vetting questionnaire used by the State Department to differentiate between 'good' and 'bad' rebels (below).

 

 

New 'Planking' Craze Honors Michael Brown

NEW YORK (WNB) - A new fad based on 'planking' (photographing yourself laying flat in interesting places) is sweeping the country, as people honor fallen Gentle Giant^(tm) Michael Brown with a new variant.

Called 'Browning,' the individual is photographed laying face down with his or her pants pulled down, exposing underwear-clad buttocks. Pro Browners take it to the next level by also holding several Swisher Sweet cigars.

Thousands of people including a number of celebrities have posted photos of themselves Browning, but authorities caution against doing it in dangerous places, as several individuals have been seriously injured while participating in the new fad.

 

Brave individual 'Browns' on California highway

 

Fast Food Customers Protest Workers

MIAMI, Florida (WNB) - Thousands of fast food customers across the nation took to the streets Monday to protest fast food employees.

"These people are demanding $15 an hour, but they can't remember my fries or a freaking napkin?" asked one protester marching with a group of approximately 200 outside a Miami McDonald's. "How 'bout this, you get a quarter an hour raise when you've learned how to say 'thank you' instead of 'no problem.'"

A spokesperson for a group of customers protesting outside of a Tucson Burger King summed up the feelings of many: "If I wanted to pay an illiterate, surly underachiever for bad service, I'd eat lunch at the DMV." 

 

 

Obama ISIS Strategy Leaked

WASHINGTON (WNB) - A source within the Obama administration has leaked the President's new ten-point strategy, called 'The Obama Plan,' for confronting the Islamic State (IS or ISIS). Obama will unveil the plan to the American people during a special news conference Wednesday.

The 'Obama Plan' consists of the following:

1. Start referring to ISIS as a 'pro' instead of 'junior varsity' terrorist organization.
2. Assemble an international coalition of nations to join the U.S. in publicly condemning the torture and killing of Christians and Shiite Muslims.
3. Use drones to scare ISIS members whenever possible.
4. Ask Mideast allies who are secretly financing and supporting ISIS to please stop.
5. 'Significantly' mark up prices for repair parts ISIS purchases for U.S. military vehicles they have confiscated.
6. Offer parts discounts to ISIS in return for not beheading U.S. citizens.
7. Threaten ISIS with financial sanctions if they don't surrender.
8. This space blank
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10. This space blank

President Obama has been strongly criticized, even by his own party, for his lack of a plan to deal with ISIS - his administration is hoping this aggressive strategy will quiet domestic criticism while thwarting the jihadists' progress.

 

President Obama to get tough with ISIS 

 

Hillary: Climate Change Is The Biggest Threat We Face

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (WNB) - Hillary Clinton told an audience at Harry Reid's (RTRD-NV) annual energy conference Thursday that climate change is currently the most dire threat facing the world.

An excerpt from Clinton's address:

Climate change is the most consequential, urgent, sweeping collection of challenges we face. It is real, it is on the move, and people and animals are suffering.

We, as a people, can no longer sit idly by while hundreds of polar bears are cast adrift, thousands of people are tortured and beheaded, tens of thousands desperately and illegally enter our country, hundreds of innocent young girls are kidnapped and abused, commercial airliners full of passengers simply vanish, and unarmed youths are gunned down in the streets because of the color of their skin.

We must confront this challenge or perish, and it all starts with dimming that lamp, riding that bicycle, or skipping that shower. Working together, we can defeat climate change and save our world.

Thank you and may God bless America.

 

 

Is Eric Holder Concealing Fact Michael Brown Was Armed?

WORLD NEWS BUREAU EXCLUSIVE - Despite repeated statements to the contrary, sources close to the Justice Department investigation into the death of Gentle Giant^(tm) Michael Brown say new photographic evidence shows Brown was 'definitely armed' at the time of the incident.

"The officer claimed Brown repeatedly hit him in the face using his arms and fists, while Holder's office continues to insist Brown had no arms. After carefully analyzing a new key photo of the scene (below), it has become clear that Brown was armed - in fact he had two." said the source.

Many are accusing Holder of concealing this new evidence in order to curry favor with Ferguson's overwhelmingly Democratic black voters.

More as this story develops.