World News Bureau

Al Sharpton In Ferguson For Halloween, Residents Upset

FERGUSON, Missouri (WNB) - 'Rev.' Al Sharpton's arrival Friday in beleaguered Ferguson, Missouri isn't sitting well with some residents.

"Al need to do Halloween in his own town, we got no extra candy or cash," said Ferguson housewife LaQueefa Jordon Jackson.

"What the hell is he back for? We ain't got no more money and whatever candies we got is for the kids," said entrepreneur Dante Washington.

Lashondra Jackson Jordan said, "Al come by my house tonight I'm turn'n off the muthaf*ckin lights, you better believe it." 

However, not everyone was upset with the faux reverand's arrival. "Sharpton's back? Must've heard someone got their welfare check. Whatever," said entertainer and mother of 12, DJ Booty Call.

 

'Trick or treat'

 

Lena Dunham Goes Topless For Planned Parenthood

NEW YORK (WNB) - Lena Dunham went on an Instagram spree on Thursday to promote the murder of unborn children.

The husky actress/fame whore shared several photos of some famous friends wearing pink Planned Parenthood tee shirts, plus one topless photo of herself (below).

In her post Dunham does not explain what the photo of her uncovered teats has to do with killing fetuses, other than the obvious fact both are abhorrent to normal (conservative) individuals.

Many experts credit the former parade float's excessive nudity with a sharp upswing in male homosexuality.

CAUTION: Below image contains nudity and may not be appropriate for some readers.

 

 

Apple CEO: Sexual Confusion God's Greatest Gift

CUPERTINO, California (WNB) - Apple CEO Tim Cook has formally admitted he's sexually confused mentally ill perverted gay.

The 53-year-old executive is reported to have called being homosexual one of the 'greatest gifts God has given me, especially when a hairy, sweaty 200 lb. man is boning me in the butt.'

The declaration makes Mr. Cook the highest-profile business CEO to have come out as being sexually abnormal.

In possibly related news, Wall Street reports Apple stock is 'getting pounded' in heavy trading this morning.

 

 

Netanyahu Responds To Insult From Obama Senior Official

TEL AVIV, Israel (WNB) - The office of Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu released a response Wednesday to comments from a senior Obama official calling him a 'chickensh*t' and a 'coward.'

Free Pumpkin Carving Stencil!

 (click to enlarge)

Clinton 2016 - It Takes A Village

Copyright 2014 World News Bureau

Majority Of ISIS Fighters Are Gay

KHATBOCHS, Syria (WNB) - Sources within ISIS report that due to a severe shortage of women and goats, most ISIS fighters have resorted to finding sexual gratification from each other.

The situation had gotten so bad that the head imam for the Islamic State recently issued a fatwa (edict), proclaiming homosexual acts morally acceptable under the present circumstances.

Imam Ihaba Tolunmuhed issued the following fatwa on Wednesday to all Islamic State members:

"Allah, the Most Merciful, has made it known to your servant that in this time of jihad it is permissible for a warrior to place his love sword in any scabbard, no matter how dark. Allah reminds you to wash your sword thoroughly afterwards."

A Kurdish minister called the fatwa "great news," saying "the poor goats have suffered enough."

 

Islamic State homos

 

Mike Brown Halloween Costume Maker Under Fire

SCOTTSDALE, Arizona (WNB) -  Clothing manufacturer Thugfail reports it has received hundreds of threatening emails in response to recent publicity about its 'Zombie Mike Brown' Halloween costume. 

"It's clear many people failed to realize that our only intent was to honor the big guy with this costume. Hey, everyone loves zombies," said Thugfail owner, S. Van Neuter. 

In an attempt to placate Brown supporters, the company announced Friday that 100% of the proceeds from the sale of Zombie Mike Brown costumes will go to the Van Neuter Fund Honoring Mike Brown. 

 

 

Mike Brown's Ghost: 'Yeah, I Jacked the Pig'

FERGUSON, Missouri (WNB) - During a seance Wednesday night, the purported ghost of Unarmed Gentle Giant^(tm) Michael Brown admitted to attacking officer Darren Wilson.

"Yeah, I jacked the pig. He was bein' a punk 'cuz we was in the street. If I was in better shape, I'd got dat Glock and capped his cracker ass. F*ckin' cigars and 'Lil Debbies..."

The seance was organized by the St. Louis Paranormal Society with the hope of learning the truth about Brown's shooting.

 

 

Investigation: Michael Brown 'Tore Off Officer's Nuts'

FERGUSON, Missouri (WNB) - Information leaked from the investigation into the shooting of Unarmed Gentle Giant(tm) Michael Brown indicates his assault on officer Darren Wilson may have been more violent than originally reported:

The investigation into the shooting of Michael Brown by Officer Darren Wilson established the following facts:

1. Officer Wilson politely asked Mr. Brown and his friend to not walk in the middle of the street. In response, Mr. Brown made an obscene gesture with both hands toward Officer Wilson while verbally disparaging the officer's mother.
2. When Officer Wilson attempted to exit his vehicle, Mr. Brown reached into the car and punched the officer in the face at least twice, then doused him with a flammable liquid and set him on fire using a disposable lighter.
3. As Officer Wilson doused his flaming clothes with coffee, Mr. Brown lunged through the window with a running chain saw in an apparent attempt to remove one or more of Officer Wilson's limbs.
4. When Mr. Brown lost control of the chainsaw after hitting the car's steering wheel, he then grasped one of Officer Wilson's testicles and forcibly removed it from his person.
5. Feeling threatened, Officer Wilson drew his sidearm, but Mr. Brown grabbed the weapon and turned it toward the officer, shooting him in his right foot, kneecap, and remaining testicle.
6. Mr. Brown turned to walk away and Officer Wilson exited his car while ordering Mr. Brown to stop. Mr. Brown then turned and threw several large, presumably poisonous spiders on Officer Wilson, then urinated on the officer as he attempted to remove the spiders.
7. Mr. Brown advanced on Officer Wilson with an industrial stapler and proceeded to staple Officer Wilson to the door of his patrol car. Mr. Brown then retrieved the still-running chainsaw from inside the car. 
8. Fearing for his life, Officer Wilson shot Mr. Brown as he advanced in a threatening manner toward him with the chainsaw and what appeared to be a large snake. 

After reviewing all available evidence, we conclude that Officer Wilson was justified in his actions.

 

 

Obama Administration Preparing Millions Of Voter IDs

WASHINGTON (WNB) - News of the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) bid request for up to 34 million immigrant identification cards has led to the discovery of a corresponding bid request for voter registration cards. A draft solicitation for bids issued by the Federal Election Commission calls for four to nine million national voter registration cards annually. 

News of the voter ID cards fueled more anger toward the Obama administration. GOP head Reince Priebus called the card's design (below) 'unbelievably partisan,' noting its lack of a 'Republican' party option. 

 

Ferguson Protesters Plan Mayhem If No Indictment

FERGUSON, Missouri (WNB) - Sources in Ferguson have released organizers' plans for civil disobedience in the increasingly likely event police officer Darren Wilson is found innocent in the killing of Unarmed Gentle Giant^(tm) Michael Brown. 

Titled "JUSTIS FOR MIKE BROWN," the document outlines various violent actions aimed at police and local businesses, and appears to confirm threats by organizers that 'all hell is going to break loose' if the officer is not charged.

(click to enlarge)

 

White House Clarifies How Travel Ban Would Spread Ebola

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The White House issued a press release Monday 'further clarifying' President Obama's declaration that a travel ban from Ebola-affected countries would actually spread the disease:

"Banning air travel from some West African nations would merely prompt those passengers to rent or purchase their own planes, something the United States would have little control over.

It is important to keep in mind that an aircraft like the Airbus A380 can accommodate up to 853 passengers. A number of these private planes landing in various U.S. cities could potentially cause a widespread outbreak of this deadly disease, putting many lives at risk.

On the other hand, current commercial flights offer the assurance of monitoring every single passenger through specific entry points, ensuring the safety of U.S. citizens."

The White House's response comes amid a growing outcry to do as many other countries have successfully done by temporarily banning the unfettered influx of people from the disease's epicenter.

 

White House warns West African Ebola carriers would buy or rent their own planes 

 

New Ebola Czar Proposes 'Ebola Section' On Planes

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Newly instituted Ebola czar Ron Klain on Friday called for 'segregated, safeguarded Ebola sections' on all commercial flights from high-risk countries.

The former White House advisor's first action appears to be an administration attempt to placate the American public who overwhelmingly want the flights stopped, while still honoring President Obama's insistance they continue.

"These planes would have a third class if you will - an Ebola class for anyone deemed high-risk because of symptoms or origin. This section would be enclosed with plastic, have its own air purifier, designated restroom, and hazmat-wearing flight attendants - the other passengers would be almost totally safe," said Klain.

President Obama applauded the proposal by calling it 'the best of all worlds' and encouraged airlines to immediately retrofit aircraft used on the routes in question.

 

 

First Lady Michelle Launches Anti Ebola Campaign

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The White House announced Thursday that Michelle Obama is taking the initiative to educate young people on how to avoid the Ebola virus.

Called 'Move! Drink! Cover!,' the new campaign combines the First Lady's signature healthy exercise and water-drinking messages with a new one stressing the importance of "dressing for good health."

"Mrs. Obama believes that children everywhere should be aware of steps they can take to safeguard themselves from the Ebola virus," said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

A video posted on the White House website promoting the new campaign shows Mrs. Obama exercising with hazmat suit-wearing children in the Rose Garden (below).

 

 FLOTUS leads children in anti-Ebola exercises in Move! Drink! Cover! video

 

Lena Dunham Allegedly Eats Baby

Husky actress Lena Dunham posted a photo to her Instagram page over the weekend in support of abortion fanatic and Texas gubernatorial candidate Wendy Davis. The photo appears to show Dunham eating an infant wearing a 'Wendy Davis' onesie. 

"I guess this is the penalty for not being aborted," remarked Davis challenger Greg Abbott. "Only God knows why liberals have such a lust for murdering babies, but it makes me want to puke."

Dunham has recently been working overtime to stay in the limelight promoting Democrats and their causes, much to the delight of Republicans.

 

Husky actress Dunham appears to redefine late term abortion

 

Catholic Church Notes Gay 'Gifts'

VATICAN CITY (WNB) - In a striking departure from traditional Catholic teaching, an assembly of Catholic bishops on Monday released a report calling for the church to welcome and accept homosexuals.

The 12-page report, written by a committee picked by Pope Francis, says that gay individuals have "gifts and qualities to offer to the Christian community." While the official document stopped short of outlining what those 'gifts and qualities' might be, we were able to obtain a list from sources in the Vatican:

Gay Gifts and Qualities Beneficial To The Catholic Church

• Advanced hair styling skills
• Unique sense of humor
• Sassiness
• Superior fashion sense
• Interesting voice inflections
• Creative interior design skills
• More than normal experience being on knees
• Most are over 18

Many are crediting Pope Francis for the church's apparent softening toward homosexuality.

 

 

'Zombie Mike Brown' Costume Hot This Halloween

FERGUSON, Missouri (WNB) - This year's most popular Halloween costume combines two of pop culture's hottest current themes - zombies and Unarmed Gentle Giant^(tm) Michael Brown.

"I love Mike and I love zombies - it's so dope, yo." said 13-year-old Rayshawn Jenkins as he waited in line to buy his 'Zombie Mike Brown' costume at a local store.

The Zombie Mike Brown is marketed by Thugfail and comes with mask and fake stolen cigars for a suggested retail price of $29.95. 

 

 

Arizona Executive Has Ebola

SCOTTSDALE, Arizona (WNB) - World News Bureau owner Scooter Van Neuter was taken by CDC emergency personnel to the Mayo Clinic Friday morning after bragging to friends about his Ebola.

"Mr. Van Neuter was taken to a special quarantine area of the Mayo Clinic where it was confirmed he did, in fact, have an E bola, or bolo. While Mr. Van Neuter's condition at this time is stable, doctors report the tie is 'awful,'" said Mayo spokesman Mark Reynolds.

 

Scooter Van Neuter and E bola

 

Lena Dunham Provides Police With Picture of Rapist

OBERLIN, Ohio (WNB) - After days of requesting detailed information, husky actress Lena Dunham on Friday finally provided Ohio authorities with a picture or her alleged rapist (below).

Dunham claims she was raped by a 'mustachioed campus Republican' while attending Oberlin College, where she majored in 'getting f*cked up and eating cheesecake.'

A recent poll indicates almost no one believes Dunham was actually sexually attacked, for obvious reasons.