World News Bureau

The Morning After

 

First Lady Michelle cries fowl

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

A traditional Van Neuter Thanksgiving

 

Most People Agree Ferguson Looks Better

FERGUSON. Missouri (WNB) - A recent national poll shows most people believe the city of Ferguson, Missouri looks 'significantly' better since rioting burned much of it to the ground.

The World News Bureau poll sampled over 5000 adults nationwide, asking the question "How has rioting affected the city of Ferguson?" Over 75% of respondents said the city looked significantly better, 20% said it looked slightly better, and 5% said it looked about the same. 

Overall, 98% of respondents classified Ferguson, both before and after the riots, "a fetid, crime-ridden sh*thole."

 

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Live From Ferguson

FERGUSON, Missouri (WNB) - Scooter Van Neuter Reporting

7:12 PM - Tension fills the air like a dog fart in a small pantry. Despite temperatures dipping into the 30s, the heat of perceived social injustice threatens to light the fuse of explosive citizen unrest in the town of Ferguson. 

From my sixth floor Marriott suite in North St. Louis, I see large mobs of people gathering in the streets. Flashing lights from police cars dot the horizon, and the sky is filled with news copters. The verdict is to be announced at 8:00 PM, so I finish my wine and take a nap until then knowing it will likely be a long, turbulent night.

11:46 PM - My sleep is shattered by the distant sounds of tear gas being fired. A half-mile away, downtown Ferguson has been transformed into Hell. The flames from dozens of fires illuminate swarms of people running around like so many over-caffeinated ants, if ants wore hoodies and carried large cans of malt liquor. What appears to be a police car burns in the middle of a street. I order more wine and a selection of fancy cheeses from room service.

1:22 AM - Images on television show rioters descending on a mobile phone store in a strip center just a few blocks from my hotel. I grab my coat and camera, and head out to get a hands-on perspective of this story.

2:!9 AM - Back at my hotel, I order a cup of cocoa, draw a hot bath, and review the notes I took in the streets:

It's really cold outside. People are running all over the place shouting about 'justice' and 'let's go shopping'. Several businesses are being looted. The frustration of people transporting large quantities of goods without containers is hard to watch, as is the destruction of many Ferguson businesses. On the plus side, it looks like all my family and friends are getting new Galaxy S5 phones and accessories this Christmas - yippee! My fingers are numb so I'm heading back to my hotel before I get knocked out/beaten/robbed.

3:07 AM - Judging by the flames on the horizon, the situation in Ferguson remains extremely volatile. I'm forced to close the drapes so I can sleep, but the cheeses conspire to keep me awake. The air is heavy in this troubled Midwestern city tonight.

  

 

Ferguson Grand Jury To Find Wilson Guilty

FERGUSON, Missouri (WNB) - Sources close to the grand jury determining the fate of police officer Darrin Wilson in the killing of Unarmed Gentle Giant^(tm) Michael Brown say the officer will be found guilty.

The grand jury reportedly determined early on that Wilson's actions were justified, but intense pressure from the Department of Justice and the White House has prompted the jury to find the officer guilty of other crimes, including:

Unsafe operation of a motor vehicle - Officer Wilson is guilty of operating a motor vehicle while being distracted by an un-belted passenger leaning through an open door.

Creating a public nuisance - Officer Wilson is guilty of disturbing the peace by yelling loudly and impeding traffic in a public space.

Noise violation - Officer Wilson repeatedly violated residential neighborhood noise restrictions by discharging a firearm within the city limits.

Aggravated felony littering - Officer Wilson is guilty of public littering by purposely depositing and leaving Gentle Giant^(tm) Michael Brown on a public thoroughfare.

Violation of federal EPA statutes - Officer Wilson is guilty of felony disposal of bio-hazardous waste greater than  five pounds.

Violation of public decency - Officer Wilson is guilty of violating public decency statutes by being complicit in the public display of an individual's improperly clothed buttocks.

Creating a public hazard - Officer Wilson is guilty of contributing to the establishment of an ongoing navigational hazard (Michael Brown memorial) on a public thoroughfare.

Jurors are reportedly working on other charges against Wilson, including public endangerment, bullying, destruction of personal property, and more.

 

 

Obama Limo Stripped At Amnesty Rally

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (WNB) - Thieves stole the wheels, tires, and radio from the presidential limousine outside of Las Vegas's Del Sol High School Friday, as President Obama spoke inside about his amnesty program for illegal immigrants.

"Eyewitnesses say the whole thing took just a few minutes. We're currently looking for six to ten tan individuals who possibly do not speak English," said Las Vegas Police spokesman Sgt. Steve Wyatt.

The embarrassing theft comes in the wake of criticism concerning the Secret Service's recent failure to stop a White House intruder.

 

 

Group Offers President Amnesty Victory Parade

DALLAS, Texas (WNB) - With the news President Obama is granting amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants, a pro-amnesty group has anointed him 'the greatest Democrat president since John F. Kennedy,' and is offering to honor the Obamas with a JFK-style parade.

The group, 'Another Man, Another Brother: Obama - Living Life In Kennedy' (AMABOLLIK) wants to honor Obama with a grandiose parade through downtown Dallas, even providing the President and First Lady with Kennedy's actual Lincoln limousine.

"We want to see President Obama rewarded, not only for his efforts giving amnesty to millions of illiterate, unskilled illegal aliens, but also for Obamacare, gutting the military, promoting gay marriage, advancing class warfare, stoking racial enmity, and many other acts marking his unbelievable presidency," said AMABOLLIK founder, Scooter Van Neuter.

The parade would culminate in several 'victory laps' through beautiful Dealey Plaza. 

White House sources report the President is 'honored and eagerly looking forward to the event.'

 

 

Amnesty: Obama "Going For Broke" In Vegas

LAS VEGAS (WNB) - Sources confirm that President Obama has chosen Las Vegas as the logical place to announce executive action amnesty for millions of illiterate, unskilled social parasites illegal aliens undocumented Democrats undocumented immigrants.

The program, called "Going For Broke," will grant citizenship and all associated benefits to anyone who does not speak English and can demonstrate the ability to either make a bed or operate a hedge trimmer.

In order to placate Congress into not cutting off funding for the move, the President's program will include strengthening border security, although conservatives may question how much of an impact the earmarked $2,500 will have in stemming the inevitable forthcoming stampede.

 

 

Caucasian Protection Hoodies Big Sellers

FERGUSON, Missouri (WNB) - Clothing retailer Thugfail on Monday reported record sales of their "Safecracka"^(TM) caucasian protection hoodies.

"We can't keep up with the demand, and why not - it's cheaper than a gun, and you won't shoot your d*ck off," said Thugfail CEO S. Van Neuter.

The innovative hoodie, originally made popular during the Trayvon Martin case, features a deployable "raging thug" image and reversible Star Wars / "Kill Whitey" insignia.

The Safecracka^(TM) retails for $129.95 in the St. Louis area, $49.95 everywhere else.

 

 

Retailers Preparing For Ferguson Grand Jury Decision

FERGUSON, Missouri (WNB) - Savvy retailers in the St. Louis area are preparing for the inevitable looting following the expected grand jury decision this week on the death of Unarmed Gentle Giant^(tm) Michael Brown.

Nearly all cell phone and electronics store owners in the Ferguson area have boarded their windows and prepared fake "Health Foods," and "Employment Agency" signs to cover the real ones. On the other hand, liquor and convenience store owners plan to save steps by going ahead and setting fire to their stores the second the decision is announced.

In a possibly-related story, one enterprising St. Louis entrepreneur reports over a million dollars in sales of black grease paint and afro wigs.

 

 

Pelosi Angry She Wasn't On Time Cover

WASHINGTON (WNB) - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-CA) bitterly accused Time Magazine of being sexist for not putting her on the cover when she became House Majority Speaker in 2000.

During the press conference Thursday, the wildly-blinking Pelosi noted Time put current House Speaker John Boehner on the cover when his party took back the chamber in 2010. She also pointed out the next Senate majority leader, Sen. Mitch McConnell is on its most recent cover.

On their website Friday, Time Magazine responded to Pelosi's complaint by retroactively featuring the then-Majority Speaker on a cover (below). A Pelosi spokesman called the gesture 'childish and insulting.'

 

 

Iran Responds To Obama Letters

FHETID KHATBOKS, Iran (WNB) - A top Iranian official said the Islamic Republic has responded to letters sent by U.S. President Barack Obama.

Ibe Hedendha Salamee, the secretary of Iran's Supreme National Security Council, announced on Iranian state television Wednesday night that a personal response from Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenai was hand-delivered to President Obama.

While sources say the White House is still analyzing the response (below), the President is reported to be 'encouraged.'

 

 

National Cathedral To Host Antichrist Religious Service

WASHINGTON (WNB) - In what many are calling the Obama administration's strongest attempt yet to provoke the wrath of God Almighty, the Washington National Cathedral is hosting an Islamic prayer service for the first time.

Planners say they hope Friday's service at the historic cathedral will "placate Muslims around the world by proving our Christian faith isn't that big of a deal to us anymore."

Critics are calling the planned service an unholy abomination as Islam denies salvation through Christ, something administration officials call a minor point. "Jesus shmesus, this is about appeasing millions of angry people who want to cut our heads off. Jesus needs to fend for Himself."

 

 

Veterans Day 2014

 

Iran Posts Obama's Letter To Ayatollah

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The Iranian government on Monday posted President Obama's secret letter to Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (below).

White House sources called the publishing of the confidential correspondence a move to 'shame and embarrass' Obama. "If the President had any idea the Iranians were going to share this, he would have probably done a better job."

The existance of the letter was reported last week in the Wall Street Journal. 

(click to enlarge)

 

Chinese Media Mock Obamas Before Visit

WANG CHUNG, China (WNB) - The state-run mouthpiece of the Chinese government, Global Times, has published a blistering editorial mocking the Obamas just days before they are scheduled to visit.

It stated in part:

Obama was elected by saying "Yes, we can." Sadly, the American public soon found out he was referring to eliminating their once-excellent healthcare system, flooding their country with illegal, illiterate welfare parasites, fostering social and racial divisions, and in general doing everything possible to turn the entire nation into Detroit.

Unfortunately, his transgendered wife has been even worse.

The editorial includes an insulting, obviously-altered photograph of First Lady Michelle Obama (below) and serves as a vivid reminder of the fact that the Chinese have never liked or respected the Obamas.

 

Chinese editorial image of First Lady Michelle Obama

 

Post Election News

Losers Unite: Wendy Davis, Sandra Fluke Console Each Other

FORT WORTH, Texas (WNB) - After losing by a combined margin of over 44 points, sources claim Democrats Wendy Davis from Texas and Sandra Fluke from California are seeking comfort and support from each other.

"It's a perfect fit - Sandra's a notoriously fertile mattress queen and Wendy gets off on the murder of unborn children. If she's not already, Sandra should be pregnant any minute - aborting the kid will do both these candidates a lot of good."

Nancy Pelosi Blames Loss On Voter Turnout - Suggests Fix 

SAN FRANCISCO (WNB) - Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-CA) claims the overwhelming defeat of Democrats in the midterms had less to do with voter dissatisfaction than with Democrats simply not going to the polls.

"The vast majority of voters support this administration, but for whatever reasons, were not able to make it to the polls. To help correct this situation, I am going to draft legislation that allows voters to pick up new EBT cards at polling places on election days," said the frantically-blinking Pelosi.

Hillary Clinton In Deep Hiding

NEW YORK, NY (WNB) - Hillary Clinton has become invisible since Tuesday's election. The presumed presidential candidate was last seen on the campaign trail stumping for a Democrat that already nobody remembers. The fact every candidate Clinton personally appeared with lost, likely has much to do with her absence.

One credible source claims to have seen Clinton on Wednesday in a remote area of Costa Rica. "It was either Hillary or a giant sloth with cankles."

Depressed Michelle Obama "Holed Up" In Bedroom

WASHINGTON (WNB) - White House sources say a depressed First Lady Michelle Obama has been locked in her bedroom since Tuesday night with a quantity of Ben & Jerry's 'Chunky Monkey' ice cream and several canned hams.

"Barry and Mooch had a big argument and she locked herself in the bedroom. I know she's still in there because I hear her farting," said the source.

 

 First Lady Michelle Obama takes down a Hormel canned ham

 

Harry Reid Out Of A Job

WASHINGTON (WNB) - After six years marked by often-incoherent rhetoric, hubris, and embarrassing gaffes, Harry Reid (RTRD-NV) is losing his position as Senate Majority Leader.

Incoming replacement, Mitch McConnell, congratulated Reid for his 'substantial part' in motivating voters to not vote for Democrats. "Every time my esteemed colleague opened his mouth, the Republican Party probably gained a hundred votes. Only the President, Rep. Pelosi, and Atty. General Holder did more for our party's victory," said McConnell. "I wish Harry well, and look forward to buying a Big Mac from him soon."

 

 

Election Day!

WORLD NEWS BUREAU ELECTION SPECIAL - by Scooter Van Neuter

Watch for updates here throughout the day

California Senate race - Ben Allen vs. Sandra Fluke - Infamous mattress queen Fluke has reportedly been working overtime servicing every voter in her district over the age 18. Sources say the bold tactic may backfire, as many prospective voters claim the experience was 'not pleasant,' while others declined altogether citing the near-certainty of catching an infectious STD. "It ain't worth it," said one independent voter.

It seems the more people Fluke connects with, the more Allen's catchphrase "I won't f*ck you" appears to resonate with prospective voters.

Eric Holder Sends Poll Watchers To Monitor Voting - Atty. General Eric Holder has dispatched poll monitors to 18 states. Sources at the locations report the monitors are 'skeevy, skinny black dudes wielding batons and wearing cheap sunglasses and pretend-military outfits. "They're walking mugshots - white turnout is down sharply," said one onlooker.

Texas Governor's Race - Wendy Davis vs. Greg Abbott - Sources say the desperate Davis is resorting to pro-abortion theatrics in a last second attempt to reignite support. Reports of Davis personally ripping fetuses from minority low-information voters at a clandestine abortion mill doesn't appear to be producing the same excitement as her earlier stunts.

Louisiana Senate Race - Bill Cassidy vs. Mary Landrieu - Reports of Landrieu 'twerking' and smoking crack in several black neighborhoods appears to be working - sort of. While Landrieu's attempt to bond with black voters is reportedly generating a lot media interest, resident feedback has been unimpressive. "I don't care what she do, she still jus' a flabby rich, bitch-ass cracker," said one black voter.

Harry Reid On Suicide Watch - Sources say Sen. Harry Reid Harry Reid is being closely monitored after reports the Senate Majority Leader has been suffering from a worsening bout of depression. Rumors that Reid received a gift of a loaded pistol Tuesday morning from Mitch McConnell have not been verified, but if true could bolster concern for the historically unstable politician's well-being.

Voting Machines Malfunctioning - There continues to be reports across the country of voting machines, primarily in Democratic districts, either registering Republican votes for Democrats, not listing Republican candidates at all, or physically preventing voters from voting for Republican candidates. "Every time I attempted to check the box for Abbott, a little boxing glove came out of the machine and punched me in the nuts," said Houston voter Harvey Farris.

The fact there have been zero reports of machines malfunctioning in favor of any Democrat is 'merely a coincidence' according to administration Election Commission officials.

Police Unconcerned As Thousands Of People Reported Missing - Authorities in predominately-Democratic areas are again receiving thousands of missing person reports - an election day occurrence that started exactly six years ago.

Cleveland Police Chief Darryl Brown blamed the dissappearences on 'certain' individuals either getting getting 'too drunk or high to get home,' or simply 'not being good with directions.'