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Losers Unite: Wendy Davis, Sandra Fluke Console Each Other
FORT WORTH, Texas (WNB) - After losing by a combined margin of over 44 points, sources claim Democrats Wendy Davis from Texas and Sandra Fluke from California are seeking comfort and support from each other.
"It's a perfect fit - Sandra's a notoriously fertile mattress queen and Wendy gets off on the murder of unborn children. If she's not already, Sandra should be pregnant any minute - aborting the kid will do both these candidates a lot of good."
Nancy Pelosi Blames Loss On Voter Turnout - Suggests Fix
SAN FRANCISCO (WNB) - Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-CA) claims the overwhelming defeat of Democrats in the midterms had less to do with voter dissatisfaction than with Democrats simply not going to the polls.
"The vast majority of voters support this administration, but for whatever reasons, were not able to make it to the polls. To help correct this situation, I am going to draft legislation that allows voters to pick up new EBT cards at polling places on election days," said the frantically-blinking Pelosi.
Hillary Clinton In Deep Hiding
NEW YORK, NY (WNB) - Hillary Clinton has become invisible since Tuesday's election. The presumed presidential candidate was last seen on the campaign trail stumping for a Democrat that already nobody remembers. The fact every candidate Clinton personally appeared with lost, likely has much to do with her absence.
One credible source claims to have seen Clinton on Wednesday in a remote area of Costa Rica. "It was either Hillary or a giant sloth with cankles."
Depressed Michelle Obama "Holed Up" In Bedroom
WASHINGTON (WNB) - White House sources say a depressed First Lady Michelle Obama has been locked in her bedroom since Tuesday night with a quantity of Ben & Jerry's 'Chunky Monkey' ice cream and several canned hams.
"Barry and Mooch had a big argument and she locked herself in the bedroom. I know she's still in there because I hear her farting," said the source.
First Lady Michelle Obama takes down a Hormel canned ham
