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Wiki Wiki, Hawaii (WNB) - Hawaiian locals and tourists were given a treat Tuesday when vacationing Michelle Obama hit the beach while her husband golfed.
Wearing a sexy red suit, the First Lady impressed onlookers with her toned physique as she exercised in the surf. Mrs. Obama has championed healthy eating and physical fitness while in the White House and judging by her sleek frame, it works!
Toned First Lady hits the beach in Hawaii
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NEW YORK (WNB) - Sources have released a campaign slogan for Hillary Clinton, likely signalling her eminent declaration to seek the presidency of the United States.
The slogan, 'Hillary - Just like Bill except no sex stuff,' draws upon the the former president's fame, while attempting to assure voters Mrs. Clinton will not repeat his errors.
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Dear readers, I'm taking the day off - here's an ancient, extremely retarded story from The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles -
December 30, 2005
Berkeley, California
Happy Holidays everyone!
I had the family over for Christmas: my brother Jerry, his wife Pam, their three kids, and Aunt Vera and Uncle Carl. Also, my ninety-year-old grandmother Edna brought her new boyfriend, Harlan, who I guess to be somewhere between ninety and five hundred years old. Of course, Edna brought Penny, her fat, gassy, and blind seventeen-year-old beagle who, as usual, got just inside the living room before pooping all over the place. My sister Sunshine from Hawaii couldn't make it but sent some nice gifts and a batch of baked goodies.
I decided we would open our presents in the morning, have a light lunch, and pretty much lie around and relax until dinner. Grandma Edna insisted on preparing dinner, something the rest of us weren't too keen on as three years ago she severely undercooked the turkey at Thanksgiving, causing several of us to get sick. Oh well, she's our grandma and what she says goes!
I turned on some Christmas music and we all sat down to open our presents at about ten that morning. The kids were jacked up and excited as usual. My living room looked like a Norman Rockwell painting with the children gathered around the Christmas tree while we adults, decked out in our gay holiday sweaters, watched from the couches while talking and laughing and drinking Uncle Carl's spiked eggnog. Penny dog was sleeping under the tree and except for her incessant farting, completed the festive scene.
After opening our presents, we sat down to a nice lunch of sandwiches, followed by some awesome brownies my sister had sent. The kids went outside; my brother and his wife headed off for her sister's house, and the rest of us played some Pictionary, our favorite game. As usual, Uncle Carl had a little too much to drink and fell into the Christmas tree while "moon walking" to Bing Crosby's "White Christmas." Although Carl was okay, the jolt to the dry tree knocked off just about every pine needle, transforming it into a skeleton draped with lights - oh well. Carl thankfully passed out on the recliner while the rest of us finished our game. Afterward, Grandma Edna and Harlan went to the kitchen to start on the turkey, and Vera and I went out on the front porch to have a glass of wine and catch up on our gossip.
Just about the time Aunt Vera morphed into Liza Minnelli with the body of a lobster, I knew Sunshine's brownies were "special." My first thought was, "Oh no, the children!" I ran for the back yard and what I found was probably something like Norman Rockwell would paint if he ate a lot of my sister's brownies: the kids were sitting like little zombies watching a naked Harlan French-kissing an equally-naked Grandma Edna in the spa! Oh crap! I pulled the kids into the house and, despite their protests that I was a huge beaver, put them down for a nap before lying down myself.
When I awoke later that afternoon, everything was sorta back to normal. Outside of being semi-catatonic, the children seemed all right. I found Vera sleeping in the garage behind the water heater, and after several cups of coffee, she was okay. Harlan was asleep in the spa, and the delicious aroma wafting through the house testified that Grandma Edna was cooking up a storm in the kitchen. I checked on her progress, and she seemed to be doing fine outside of the fact she could now speak only Spanish(?) and was wearing an apron, hickeys, and nothing else. Other than that, it seemed everything was thankfully back on track as my brother and his wife returned just in time for dinner.
Once the food was prepared, we all sat down at the table and as usual, Carl said grace, although his drunken rambling peppered with profanities hardly seemed appropriate, especially in front of the children (not that they'll remember). I only wish I could say the same, as what happened next will haunt me the rest of my life. Just as my brother was about to carve the turkey, Vera let out a bloodcurdling scream! Just then Jerry also saw Penny's dog collar on the misshapen "turkey" and proceeded to spew like a pink volcano, prompting a chain reaction that painted the dining room in the vibrant colors of lunch. The last thing I remembered was Harlan's false teeth flying into the gravy boat, and Grandma cursing in Spanish as she pulled off and gnawed on one of the four drumsticks. Fortunately, I passed out after that.
Well, another Christmas gone by. Maybe it wasn't perfect, but it was ours and I will always cherish it. The good news is that we found the real turkey tucked in Penny's dog bed and put it in the freezer for next year.
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BETHLEHEM
What did I think I'd find? Maybe an ornate throne set in a gleaming palace. Surely, at the very least, a large house with many rooms filled with fine furnishings.
As I traveled, I tried to imagine the trappings of a palace, how large the rooms would be, the fine cloth on the furniture, the weave of the carpets. I could see in my mind the servants lined up ten deep, all waiting to fulfill the slightest need. The air inside would smell of fragrant incense and flowers. As I shivered in the cold, I kept thinking how warm the room was going to feel and how I would thaw my hands next to the cedar logs blazing in the great fireplace. I could almost hear the crackling of the fire and see its patterns dancing on the walls.
In the dead of night, a man whose robes were bright as lightning visited me in the field and invited me to behold a king just arrived, whose presence was marked by a shimmering star hanging from the heavens. I left my flocks and followed this star a great distance to where I stand now.
There is no palace. There are no servants and no fireplace. Just a rundown stable filled with a few animals and several people gazing upon an infant resting in a dirty manger. Royalty resides in a stable? This tiny child will rule the civilizations of the world?
I came seeking a powerful ruler with a palace and riches, but what I discovered wasn't greatness as measured by man.
I found the glory of God among us, and his name is Immanuel.
"For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:5)
Merry Christmas to all -
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NEW YORK (WNB) - Presumably reacting to criticism that his anti-police rhetoric may have inflamed the murderer of two New York City policemen, "Rev." Al Sharpton told reporters Tuesday that he had "diverted his resources and time to reach out" to the officer's families.
Relatives of one officer confirmed Sharpton's claim by posting the card, below.
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NEW YORK (WNB) - A group protesting the murder and demonization of police officers by race pimps, liberal politicians, and thugs are rallying behind their own 'don't shoot' phrase.
Supporters at the memorial for the two slain NYPD officers were seen wearing sweatshirts with the words "Sitting in the car eating a sandwich, don't shoot" (below). Also popular were shirts bearing "F*ck that rat bastard de Blasio."
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PYONGYANG, DPRK (WNB) - Photos allegedly taken by CIA operatives in North Korea are said to 'personally implicate' leader Kim Jong-Un in the cyber attack on Sony Pictures.
Intelligence sources say an exhaustive trace led to a room 'near Kim's living quarters.' Photos taken in the room appear to directly link the portly dictator to the attack. "It's the smoking gun, no doubt - Kim did it," said a security consultant who reviewed the images.
Kim has long been rumored to occasionally participate in DPRK Department of Computer Warfare activities.
CIA photo of Kim Jong-Un's Computer keyboard
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CHICAGO (WNB) - Black civil rights leaders are accusing the nation's largest transgendered rights group of stealing their hottest catchphrase.
The claim comes after transgendered male organization Chicks With Dicks introduced a new awareness campaign featuring the phrase "I can't breed" (below).
"It's ours and they can't have it," said black activist 'Rev.' Booker Cleveland.
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New York (WNB) - Sony Pictures co-Chair Amy Pascal met with 'Rev.' Al Sharpton in Manhattan on Thursday over leaked studio emails some consider racially insensitive.
In an obvious move to deflect any racial fallout, Sony reportedly agreed to let Sharpton have a say in how Sony makes motion pictures, after the pretend-reverend declared there was an "inflexible and immovable racial exclusion in Hollywood."
The released emails were part of thousands of files recently stolen in a cyber attack on the studio by North Korea-affiliated hackers.
In a possibly-related story, a Sony Pictures insider claims the studio is planning an epic, big budget film based on the story of an 'overweight, young Afro-American preacher who leads a secret life as a crime-fighting superhero, while rising to become the preeminent voice of black America.' "Think Martin Luther King meets Batman," said the source.
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PYONGYANG, DPRK (WNB) - What may be further evidence that North Korea was behind the hacking attack on Sony Pictures came Wednesday when that country's leader, Kim Jong-Un, posted what appears to be a victory dance selfie online.
The video appeared shortly after Sony Pictures announced they were cancelling the December 25th release of the film The Interview, a comedy about assassinating Kim Jong-Un.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un
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WASHINGTON (WNB) - In a new People Magazine interview, the Obamas recount personal instances of racial prejudice in their lives.
In the article, President Obama tells of a time in high school when a white police officer accused young Barack of being a drug abuser. "Being called a pothead based on the color of my eyes taught me racism isn't dead. From what I can remember, it hurt."
First Lady Michelle also struggled with racist stereotypes in her childhood: "I was very tall and lanky as a young girl. In gym class one day we were climbing ropes. When it was my turn, I remember my white teacher saying, "Michelle, you should be good at this," obviously inferring that I was a big monkey. I never got over it."
Young Michelle Obama
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WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Sources confirm a behind-the-scenes fight is brewing between Democrat darling Elizabeth Warren and presumptive presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.
"Somebody from Cambridge, Massachusetts recently sent Mrs. Clinton an obviously fake photograph of her husband cavorting with Mrs. Warren," said a source close to Clinton.
Warren has reportedly received a number of native American related items, including arrowheads, a small hatchet, and a cheap bottle of whiskey. Sources say she believes they were sent by Mrs. Clinton because "they reeked of desperation and failure."
Political pundits say Warren has a strong chance of being the party's favorite, due to Clinton's low likeability scores.
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World News Bureau movie review by Scooter Van Neuter
I had high expectations for Exodus: Gods And Kings based on the fact it was directed by Ridley Scott who did one of my favorite movies of all time - Alien. The fact that Sigourney Weaver, who starred in Alien, also appears in Exodus pretty much guaranteed I'd love this movie - or so I thought.
This film had so many problems for me, I hardly know where to begin. Start with the fact this movie takes place in Bible times (pre-1800s) and doesn't feature a single alien, nor does Sigourney Weaver ever appear braless in a tight tee shirt (although she is really old now and that may have been a good thing). Also, this film had absolutely no kung fu and all the car chases were done with chariots. While there were several good special effects, unfortunately none of them involved giant robots. Can you say 'boring?'
The Exodus storyline involves a Jewish guy named Moses who wants to leave Egypt with all his Jewish friends. Without giving away the plot, Moses uses magic to torture and terrorize the Egyptians into letting him leave. From there the film devolves into one long chase scene through the desert, again, minus dune buggies *yawn*. There is one interesting surf scene near the end, but it simply isn't enough to make up for the lack of aliens or nipples.
The actor that played Bat Man (I can't remember his name) plays Moses. As I have never seen the real Moses, I have no idea how well he played him, but I'm pretty sure he sucked.
Despite these numerous shortcomings, the worst thing about Exodus: Gods And Kings is clearly its lack of Biblical accuracy. Although I slept through much of the movie, here are just a few things I noticed were missing:
I really wanted to like Exodus: Gods And Kings, but I didn't. I give this film 2 1/2 rubber dog toys only because the studio gave me free tickets and popcorn. Do yourself a favor and go see the penguin movie instead.
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SCOTTSDALE, Arizona (WNB) - A computer hacking group identifying itself as the same one that recently attacked Sony Pictures has mounted a similar attack on conservative news media outlets World News Bureau and Big Hairy News.
The hackers, believed to be from North Korea and calling themselves 'Guardians Of Peace' (GOP), released on Thursday a series of potentially damaging emails between WNB/BHN CEO Scooter Van Neuter and contributing columnist and noted conservative pundit, Gina Miller:
...Gina, I don't know about you, but I think President Obama has distinguished himself as being perhaps the finest leader this country has ever had - I simply love him, and would so have gay sex with him!!
Scooter
...Scooter, While I wholeheartedly agree that Barack is doing an awesome job as president and I wouldn't turn down the chance to pleasure him, Michelle is my hero. Strong, confident, beautiful in a primitive, 'dawn of man' sort of way - give me some of that delicious dark chocolate num num num num num num!!! :)
Gina
Van Neuter issued a statement Friday morning in response to the released correspondence:
"I deeply apologize to our readers for my comments, though meant to be private, concerning Obama. These comments are not who I am. I condemn everything Barry has done to this once-great country, and I have absolutely no desire to engage in any sort of personal interaction, especially of a homosexual nature, with him. Seriously, I hate his guts."
Van Neuter's sites have a history of running articles critical of North Korea's leadership, such as: LINK LINK LINK LINK LINK LINK LINK LINK LINK LINK LINK LINK
Hacker page displayed on World News Bureau and Big Hairy News sites
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RICHMOND, Virginia (WNB) - A billboard proclaiming individuals are not born homosexual has become the target of angry gay rights activists in Richmond, Virginia where it is displayed.
Paid for by an organization aimed at helping former homosexuals gain acceptance, the ad features a picture of male twins and reads, "Identical twins. One gay. One not. We believe twins research studies show no dude is born wanting to bone another dude in the pooper."
Virginia gay rights organization "Hairy Chicks With Hanging D*cks" is calling for the billboard's removal. "That sign portrays something beautiful as being somehow unsavory - well, it's not," said a spokesperson for the group.
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NASHVILLE, Tennessee (WNB) - President Obama played to his Southern audience in Tennessee Tuesday by using the Bible to defend his executive action providing amnesty for millions of illegal immigrants.
Excerpts from President Obama's address:
"After days spent crossing an inhospitable desert and avoiding smugglers and drug cartels, Joseph and Maria found no room at the inn. But then God acted through the leader of Bethlehem to give them a nice, free room complete with manger where Maria could poop out the Baby Jesús."
"I believe the good book says 'don't get stoned in grass houses.' These kids deserve real homes, not dilapidated huts in some marijuana field."
"We need to make sure we're looking at logs with our own eyes before we point sticks at other folks' eyes."
"Scripture commands us to ask not what our country can do for us, but rather what our country can do for others."
"Moses didn't build an ark for just himself, but for millions of unclean animals."
"One of the Jonas brothers got saved from downing by being swallowed by a friendly whale. The Jonas brother is millions of immigrants and the whale is America."
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NEW YORK (WNB) - A photo released Tuesday may have finally identified the rapist Lena Dunham wrote about in her book Not That Kind Of Girl.
The image, reportedly taken near Oberlin College, appears to show Dunham walking with her described attacker. After reviewing the photo, a source close to the chunky actress confirmed the mustached individual pictured was, indeed, Barry. "Yep, that's definitely Barry - he raped her all the time. Nobody else would touch her."
The identity of Barry has been the source of great controversy since a recent article concluded that he simply did not exist as described by the hefty leftist. This new evidence may challenge that assertion.
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KHATBOCHS, Iran - In the wake of the sensationalized deaths of Eric Garner and Michael Brown, Iran lashed out at the United States and the Obama administration on Sunday demanding that America immediately take action to end its crackdown on blacks.
"America must stop police brutality and the racist and inhumane treatment of colored people in the country and concentrate on eliminating their real problems - Jews and homos," said the statement issued Sunday from Iranian Foreign Ministry Spokesman Muhammad Fhartid.
White House spokesman Josh Earnest condemned the Iranian statement, saying, "The thought of 'eliminating' even one homosexual is unthinkable."
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STATEN ISLAND, New York (WNB) - Supporters of a 400-pound man who died while being arrested last week are condemning a clothing line featuring his now-famous last words.
Tee shirts from controversial apparel company Thugfail went on sale Saturday bearing the phrase "I can't breathe - quit farting!", prompting the angry outcry.
"That just ain't right, doing that with his words," said protester LaQueefa Williams. "And if he did say that he was kidding - everybody know that."
Thugfail CEO Scooter Van Neuter defended the design, saying, "We're pretty sure he did say that. These shirts are available in all popular sizes and make a great Christmas gift."
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Click retard!
