World News Bureau

Photos Indicate Hillary Preparing To Run

WORLD NEWS BUREAU EXCLUSIVE - New photos purportedly taken in Hawaii may indicate Hillary Clinton is getting 'tuned up' in preparation for a presidential run, and why she has not been seen in public for some time.

"It looks like she's had a face and brow lift, and possibly cheek implants. Also, I'd say she's had breast augmentation as well as radical cankle reduction. She looks a lot better," said a plastic surgeon who studied the photos.

One political expert theorized Hillary's new look has less to do with getting elected, than with keeping her husband from diddling interns once they're in the White House.

 

UPDATE:  The following photograph of Mrs. Clinton reportedly taken this morning in Manhattan indicates the above story is likely untrue, and the woman pictured is almost certainly not Mrs. Clinton. We regret any confusion this may have caused our readers.

 

Netanyahu To White House - I'm Coming And May Stay For Awhile

TEL AVIV, Israel (WNB) - Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu responded Thursday to the increasingly shrill White House threats over his upcoming address to Congress. 

"I'm looking forward to visiting the United States and addressing our friends in Congress - so much so that I've decided to extend my stay in order to hopefully have more than one day to speak, as I have much to say. After that, maybe I'll do some sightseeing," Netanyahu told reporters.

Netanyahu's comments come after the White House mouthpiece, the New York Times, ran another article quoting anonymous Obama officials threatening unspecified retributions should Netanyahu follow through with the visit.

 

 

Saudis Shun First Lady Michelle

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia (WNB) - A defiant Michelle Obama paid the price for refusing to follow local customs during a brief visit to Saudi Arabia on Tuesday. The President and First Lady left India early to pay respects to the Saudi royal family on the death of King Abdullah.

Mrs. Obama chose not to cover her head - a violation of religious and cultural protocols in the Arab world. In return, nearly all of the Royal Family members refused to shake her hand, and several audibly farted as they walked past her. During President Obama's visit with new King Salman, Mrs. Obama clearly appeared angry as she was seated off to the side next to a royal attendant who held a bug zapper over her head.

Before departing, the new Saudi king presented parting gifts to the first couple - a gold putter to the President, and a diamond-studded dog collar to Mrs. Obama - presumably for one of their two dogs.

 

 

CA DMV Ordered To Ignore Identity Theft By Illegals

LOS ANGELES. California (WNB) - A new California policy directs their Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to overlook identity theft by "Hispanic applicants who may have attempted to obtain or been issued a license or ID card previously through submission of false information."

A DMV source said that over 75% of the 1.2 million drivers licenses issued to Hispanics since the policy was enacted January 1st have been to the same 9 people, including Cesar Millan, Jennifer Lopez, and a character from the popular show Breaking Bad (below).

 

First Lady Startled By Drone Crashing Into White House

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Authorities say the White House was locked-down early Monday morning when a drone crashed into the southeast side of the building. President Obama is in India, but First Lady Michelle and daughters where at home at the time. 

Secret Service spokesman Brian Leary said the unmanned drone narrowly missed an open bedroom window in the family's living quarters, hit a wall, then fell to the ground below. "The device was flying at a low altitude before it crashed into the southeast side of the executive mansion around 3:08 a.m. Monday," said Leary. "The First Lady was startled by the noise, and helped us retrieve what appeared to be the drone's payload - a Honey Baked Ham and large bag of Gummy Bears." 

Authorities cancelled the lock-down shortly after analyzing the items.

 

Crashed drone near White House 

Obama Behind Attempt To Embarrass Netanyahu

WASHINGTON (WNB) -  Israeli intelligence has confirmed that an anonymously-released photo of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu originated from the Obama administration.

The photo, showing Netanyahu wearing a bra and eating bacon, was photoshopped from a White House photo taken several years ago, according to a Mossad spokesman. "It's not even a good forgery - my son could do better and he's only 13, It's obviously the work of the Obama administration."

The photo is seen as retaliation for Netanyahu's acceptance of Republican John Boehner's recent invitation to speak before Congress.

 

Obama payback: Crossdressing Netanyahu eating bacon

 

800,000 Muslims Rally Against Charlie Hebdo

GROZNY, Chechnya (WNB) - 800,000 Muslims out of Chechnya's population of 1.3 million people rallied Monday against the French magazine Charlie Hebdo. The giant crowd assembled in the city of Grozny to protest the magazine's repeated cartoon portrayal of the Prophet Muhammad.

At first relatively peaceful, passions soon escalated as tens of thousands of angry Muslims rampaged through the city, looting and burning everything in sight. However, the resulting damage was minimal, as there was nothing worth stealing, and rocks, concrete, and sand are nearly indestructible as well as being non-flammable.

Unfortunately, authorities reported numerous deaths and injuries. Sources say dozens of young boys were 'accidently' sodomized in the melee, as were hundreds of goats and donkeys. The official death toll stands at 43 rioters, all reportedly killed by goats and donkeys.

 

 

State Of The Union 2015 - Live Blogging

WORLD NEWS BUREAU EXCLUSIVE 

Live blogging by Scooter Van Neuter  

Due to a scheduling conflict (rerun of Blossom) I was forced to record the President's State of the Union address last night so I could live blog it today. Let's see what's happening.

There's a large room full of politicians. It appears to be a courtroom. In the middle is a watchtower manned by Joe Biden and that orange guy. These two have a great vantage point and are probably doing everything in their power not to spit on the milling underlings below.

President Obama just came out like a rock star. The room is going crazy. Nancy Pelosi is either having a seizure or an orgasm. Joe Biden is clapping like a seal on meth, and grinning like he just discovered a free decoder ring at the bottom of his glass of Scotch. Even Michelle Obama looks happy, a glistening film of what appears to be bacon grease coating her feral lips. 

Finally, the President starts talking. I use this opportunity to go mix up some delicious margaritas. When I come back he's telling us about "newlyweds Ben and Rebeka" from Minnesota, and how they had a great life until their business went bust (I'm pretty sure these are the people who got sued for not make homo wedding cakes). Then, almost like magic, the economy came roaring back, catapulting them into a pile of dough that has Rebeka pooping out kids like Pop Tarts. Everything's okay now! Even I could have written a more interesting story than this. I go whip up some Chex Mix and little wienies on toothpicks.

When I get back, I watch Barry drone on for a few minutes until the sound of his voice cinches my lower tract like a bungee cord from Hell. The concussion of the ensuing fart parts the fur on my cat, and slightly melts a small area of pleather on my new couch. Crap. I switch over to Joel Osteen until I feel better. Mesmerized by his smile, I send him a check for $135.

Back to the SOTU. President Obama is droning on and on about a bunch of crap that's so uninteresting I can't even tell what the hell he's talking about. I hop over to Animal Planet and watch a fascinating show about the mating habits of fruit bats. I make mental notes to (1) apply what I've learned on my new girlfriend next time she's drunk, and (2) make some interesting modifications to my Batman costume before next Halloween.

Back at the SOTU I'm disappointed yet greatly relieved to see President Obama not talking. He's now strolling around the courtroom shaking everyone's hand like he just cured cancer. I notice Joe Biden evidently peed himself at some point, and make a mental note to monitor Ebay for the chair - it would go great in my home office. 

The President works the room while everyone continues to clap like crazy, even some of the Republicans. The President must have announced something really great at the end, like everyone's getting a new car or Kim Kardashian was crushed by a yak. I pray it's the latter. 

Summary: All in all, it was a solid speech. It sounds like the President ran the country perfectly last year, and I really liked the way he looked into my soul while actually reading the teleprompter - only Larry King does it better, and that's high praise indeed.

 

President Obama gives State of the Union address (artist rendering)

 

France To Repay U.S. For Kerry 'Present'

PARIS, France (WNB) - The French government announced on Tuesday that they intend to repay the United States for last week's visit by John Kerry.

In what may have been the most awkward foreign policy incident in recent history, Sec. of State Kerry attempted to make up for the recent U.S. snub of France's Charlie Hebdo memorial rally, by dragging singer James Taylor to that country a week later to play a sappy song using what sounded to be a Mr. Microphone with low batteries.

A statement released by French Foreign Minister Lepeu Me'fharte said his country will be sending aging ventriloquist, Jacques Strepp, to the White House to do his famous 'Farting de Gaulle' routine as soon as Strepp finds his dummy.

 

French ventriloquist Jacques Strepp

 

Happy SVN Day!

World News Bureau - Today we celebrate the birthday of a well-known and much beloved public figure.

While his accomplishments are notable, what this man has not done is even more so:

• He never plagiarized his doctoral thesis and numerous other academic and public writings. 
• He was never associated with the American Communist Party, nor privately described himself as a Marxist. 
• He was never a serial philanderer, ardent whore-monger, or abuser of women. 

The man whose birthday we are celebrating today is, of course, World News Bureau founder and Editor in Chief Scooter Van Neuter.

Van Neuter achieved fame early in his career with his famous "I Have To Scream" speech he gave at Wichita State University in 1965. An excerpt: 

"I have to scream when I hear those immoral holders of the public trust, our liberal politicians, pushing their agenda of abortion and sexual perversion.

I have to scream when I see the left nurture sloth and disengagement with their vote-buying social welfare programs.

I have to scream when I see generation after generation of progressives and Democrats appease and coddle those who wish to destroy us, always to the peril of our security and that of our allies....."

Those words still hold true today. We join conservatives everywhere in wishing Scooter a very happy birthday!

 

Scooter Van Neuter gives his famous "I have to scream," speech

 

Pope Warns Against Mocking Religions

VATICAN CITY, Rome (WNB) - in a recent interview, Pope Francis warned against making fun of anyone's religion, saying freedom of expression has limits. 

“Every religion that respects life and the human person has dignity. And cannot be mocked," said the Holy Pontiff as he kissed small statues while wearing a billowing white dress, weird towering hat, and several pounds of gaudy gold jewelry.

Islamic cleric Muhammad Sariazcrek called the Pope's comments "too little, too late" and swore to cut off his head with a butter knife.

 

 

Imam: Cartoon Of Muhammad 'Act Of War'

LONDON, England (WNB) - British Islamic preacher Anjem Choudary is calling the cartoon of Muhammad on the cover of French magazine Charlie Hebdo an 'act of war.'

"Depicting the Prophet Muhammad as a cartoon figure is the worst insult one could give him or any Muslim. The shame is unforgivable - it is an act of war," Choudary told reporters.

The imam's comments have caused some media outlets around the world to refuse to show the magazine cover. 

 

Imam Anjem Choudary

 

Scooter Van Neuter.Com, Gina Miller

PHOENIX, Arizona (WNB) - World News Bureau CEO, Scooter Van Neuter, announced on Tuesday the creation of a new website exclusively featuring renowned editorial writer, Gina Miller. Gina's site features hard-hitting, intelligent commentary on today's most controversial issues, and is accessible by clicking the ad in the left side column. Check back often for her latest articles!

Van Neuter also introduced his new site Scooter Van Neuter.Com - an informal, freewheeling destination for Scooter's unique take on news, politics, entertainment, and even religion. Juvenile and retarded Relevant and real, it's the place for fun and lively interaction with your fellow retards readers! Access SVN.Com by clicking its ad in the left column.

Bookmark both sites!

 

 

Christian Baker Forced To Make Gay Wedding Cakes

DENVER, Colorado (WNB) - The Christian owner of a bake shop has been ordered to provide wedding cakes to homosexual couples, after a decision by Colorado's Civil Rights Commission.

The owner of Masterpiece Cakeshop, Jack Phillips, declined to make a wedding cake for two  local rump-wranglers in 2012, who then filed a complaint that led to a legal battle.

Despite the order, the Phillip's problems may not be over, as several other gay couples have recently threatened to file complaints against the baker, calling his new 'gay' wedding cake 'offensive.'

 

Christian baker Jack Phiiips prepares a wedding cake for rope-smokers

 

Obama: I Supported France From Home

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Barack Obama replied Monday to growing international criticism over his not joining other world leaders at a Paris rally in support of France and denouncing terrorism.

"Look, I was with the people of France yesterday in mind, body, and soul. My prayers and thoughts were with them as I resolutely stood against violence and all forms of racial and religious hatred," Obama told reporters at the hastily-called White House press conference.

To back up his statement, the White House released a photo of a solemn President Obama wearing a symbolic black beret on a golf course Sunday (below).

 

14th hole: President Obama stands with France

 

First Photos - Dead Charlie Hebdo Gunmen

WORLD NEWS BUREAU EXCLUSIVE - PARIS, France - French WNB sources have obtained first photos of the bodies of Charlie Hebdo killers, Cherif and Said Kouachi (below). The photos were reportedly taken just moments after French authorities killed both brothers in a hail of gunfire in the small town of Dammartin-en-Goële, just outside Paris.

Items found at the scene apparently confirms that the two were indeed radical jihadist Muslims.

 

Deceased brothers Cherif and Said Kouachi

 

Iran Activates Missile Defense System

QHATBOKS, Iran (WNB) - Iran announced this week that they have activated their own version of Israel's 'Iron Dome' missile defense system.

Unlike Israel's stationary installations that fire missiles at incoming targets, Iran's 'Sandstone Umbrella' system is a mobile unit "designed to provide an impenetrable protective shield over military and civilian assets - literally anywhere."

The Pentagon is said to be studying photos of the new defense system (below) in order to research possible countermeasures.

 

Iran "Sandstone Umbrella" mobile missile defense system

 

Hillary Upset At Magazine's Defense Of Bill

PALM BEACH, Florida (WNB) - Sources say Hillary Clinton is not happy with a popular magazine's defense of her husband amid allegations he was possibly involved in sexcapades tied to wealthy Florida degenerate, Jeffrey Epstein.

"You'd think Hillary would appreciate somebody sticking up for Bill, especially with her on the verge of running for the presidency, but when she saw this piece, she went crazy," said a Clinton insider. 

The Political Trends feature story by Scott Randolph is one of the shortest ever written, consisting of just two words and a photo (below, right).

 

 

Republicans Rally Around Replacement For Boehner

WASHINGTON (WNB) - A group of House Republicans announced Monday that they have chosen a replacement for John Boehner as Majority Speaker of the House. Their candidate, a block of wood, was chosen over Boehner based on the merits of intellect and determination.

Rep. Boehner has been repeatedly criticized within his party for not defending conservative principles. "The only real differences between Boehner and Nancy Pelosi is the fact Pelosi has a bigger d*ck and isn't orange," said one GOP representative.

Boehner's office downplayed the challenger, pointing out its "lack of experience and the fact he's not even a person."

 

Boehner challenger, a block of wood 

 

Harry Reid Injured While 'Exercising'

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (WNB) - Senator Harry Reid (RTRD-NV) broke some ribs and facial bones in an accident while working out at his Nevada home.

Sources claim the outgoing Majority Leader sustained the injuries when he 'bounced off' his exercise device (below) and hit a dresser.

Reid was treated at St. Rose Dominican Hospital in Henderson, then transferred to UMC where he was admitted overnight as a precaution.

 

Harry Reid exercise machine