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World News Bureau - Today's top headlines:

Thousands Without Service In Arizona After Cable Cut

Cell phone, Internet, and telephone services across half of Arizona went dark after vandals sliced a thick fiber optic cable. Authorities said the cable had apparently been cut with a hacksaw.

The incident is raising concerns about the safety of U.S. infrastructure.

 

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Llamas Captured After Chase

Two llamas eluded authorities for hours Thursday in Sun City, Arizona. National news outlets covered the nearly four-hour chase through the retirement community. "It's unusual to see two llamas in Arizona running for no apparent reason. We suspected they were possibly up to something, and it appears we were correct," said a police spokesman.

One of the llamas was reportedly apprehended with a hacksaw while the other was carrying a shovel, prompting authorities to consider criminal charges against the two in connection with a recent vandalism.

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Injuries Reported In Lois Lerner Email Investigation

 Sources claim two individuals from the Inspector General's office who were doing a preliminary investigation of thousands of recently discovered Lois Lerner emails were briefly hospitalized Thursday after allegedly coming across several "sexting" ones.

"Apparently, the investigators unexpectedly saw three or four emails with images of a very personal nature. From the description I was told, these guys are extremely fortunate they weren't made permanently gay," said an anonymous source close to the case.

Investigators are combing through tens of thousands of emails that Lerner had claimed were destroyed.

 

 

War Of Words Intensifies Between US & Israel

TEL AVIV, Israel (WNB) - Sec. of State John Kerry traded barbs with Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu this week, just days before Netanyahu visits the U.S. to address a joint session of Congress.

The latest exchange started when Netanyahu accused the US of forsaking a pledge to prevent Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons. Kerry responded by questioning why the U.S. should listen to Netanyahu, as he was a proponent of the Iraq war (as was Kerry).

Netanyahu responded by questioning why anyone would "listen to a hippy who once committed treason against his own country," to which Kerry responded by saying "Well, at least my family didn't kill Jesus." Netanyahu reportedly then left a personal message on Kerry's answering machine threatening to drop by his house "with some 4x4s and big-ass nails" while in the U.S. next week. He also apparently made profane comments about Kerry's wife, dog, and sailboat.

The war of words is expected to continue leading up to the Prime Minister's visit next Tuesday.

Dear Obama Administration

 Concerning your proposed government oversight of the internet:

Details Of Iran Nuclear Deal Leaked

GENEVA (WNB) - Specifics of the nearly completed State Departement agreement with Iran over their nuclear program were leaked Monday. If true, the details promise to further inflame Israeli anger and mistrust with the Obama administration's handling of the situation.

The agreement is a stepped plan that would gradually give Iran a nuclear weapon over a period of time in return for  their 'good behavior.'

Here are the highlights of the plan:

Years 1 - 5: In return for the following, Iran is allowed to complete development on no more than ten (10) nuclear weapons of unspecified design.

• Iran promises to not engage in attacks against the United States or its assets, either directly or indirectly through third parties/proxies.
• Iran promises to not engage in attacks against Israel directly. Iranian proxies such as Hamas, Hezbollah, Palestinian Islamic Jihad, Popular Front for Liberation of Palestine are exempt. 

Years 5-10: In return for the following, Iran is allowed to deploy up to thirty (30) nuclear weapons of unspecified design for defensive purposes.

• Iran promises to not engage in attacks against the United States or its assets, either directly or indirectly through third parties/proxies.
• Iran promises to not engage in attacks against Israel directly unless provoked. Iranian proxies such as Hamas, Hezbollah, Palestinian Islamic Jihad, Popular Front for Liberation of Palestine are exempt as long as they do not use nuclear weapons.

Years 10 -: If provoked, Iran is allowed to use their nuclear arsenal against threats in the Middle East, in return for the following:

• Iran promises to not engage in attacks against the United States or its assets, either directly or indirectly through third parties/proxies.

Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's initial reaction to the agreement was reported to be "Oh shit."

 

 

Push Under Way To Place ISIS Jihadists In White House Jobs

WASHINGTON (WNB) - An organized movement is under way to assist the Obama administration with their strategy to defeat ISIS by providing the jihadists with job opportunities.

Noted philanthropist and online news maven, Scooter Van Neuter, has established a crowdfunding site to raise funds to bring ISIS fighters to Washington DC where they will work at the White House as waiters, housecleaners, and maintenance workers. 

"I'm not a big fan of Barry, but his idea of giving these homicidal carpet-kissers jobs really makes sense. Let's see how they do at his house, and if they prove to be reliable and don't cut anybody's head off, we can employ them elsewhere," said Van Neuter.

 

 

GOP Proposes White House Jobs For ISIS

WASHINGTON (WNB) - In a surprising move, GOP head Reince Priebus has enthusiastically endorsed two of the Obama administration's stated goals - increasing Muslim immigration and defeating ISIS by giving them jobs. 

Preibus held a news conference on Friday to announced his party will be promoting the immigration of ISIS jihadists to work in the White House as waiters, housecleaners, and maintenance workers. "President Obama has an opportunity here to set an example to all jihadists that the United States is their friend, willing to provide jobs so they have something better to do than fighting," said Preibus.

The State Department has so far refused to comment on the plan.

 

 

Bloggers: Show your support for this initiative, post this on your site! 

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<img src="https://peacemoonbeam.typepad.com/White%20House%20Jobs%20For%20ISIS.jpg"/>

Cuba Home To Deadliest HIV

HAVANA (WNB) - Scientists say a strain of human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) found only in Cuba may be the most aggressive ever studied in humans. 

"The Cuban strain is the first in which all observed patients infected progress to Aids at an accelerated rate," Belgium researcher Anne Milke told World News Bureau. "The first cases were found approximately 15 years ago. We're still attempting to identify the original carrier."

 

Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro circa 1999

 

White House Defends Biden's "Playfulness"

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The Obama administration issued a press release Wednesday night in response to photos circulating the internet showing Vice President Biden molesting the wife of new Department of Defense head Ashton Carter.

"To call Vice President Biden's warm interaction with his guest anything other than congenial and proper would be incorrect.  The Vice President is well known for exuding an affectionate playfulness that personifies his unique ability to put anyone at ease," said the statement.

Critics say the press release didn't go far enough in explaining why Biden's pants were down or why he  apparently unclasped Mrs. Carters' bra.

 

Playful' Vice President Biden at first base

 

State Dept. Giving Jobs To ISIS

KHATBOKS, Iraq (WNB) - Sources in ISIS-held territories confirm that the Obama State Department has been covertly implementing its new foreign policy strategy against the Islamic State by providing jobs to the jihadists.

Iraqi government authorities claim that in the last two months the U.S. State Department imported over 350 Prius taxicabs to a number of ISIS-held towns and paid local businessmen to organize and run cab companies, exclusively hiring ISIS fighters as drivers. 

Reports say the strategy has met with mixed success - all of the cabs are said to be in service, but so far nearly every paying customer has been either beheaded, raped, or simply shot, somewhat dampening demand for the new service. In addition, approximately 275 of the cabs now sport large guns mounted in place of the cab's passenger seats, further hampering sales. 
"Look, it's not perfect, but teaching these men self-confidence and a skill is the first step in turning them into productive, peaceful citizens," said one State Dept. official.

 

 

State Dept. HInts ISIS Fighters Are Zombies

WASHINGTON (WNB) - State Department Deputy Spokesperson Marie Harf dropped a bombshell on Monday when she confided that killing ISIS fighters will not stop them.

Appearing on MSNBC's Hardball, Harf declared "we cannot win this war by killing them," prompting  a visibly shaken Chris Matthews to ask, "Zombies? Are you telling me these guys are turning into zombies?" Harf quickly sidestepped the question, instead talking about "providing job opportunities" to ISIS members, presumably to prevent them from fighting, getting killed, and coming back as lethal, undead zombie jihadists.

Later, critics were quick to condemn the Obama administration-friendly Matthews for not questioning Harf further about the possibility that ISIS fighters are coming back from the dead.

If true, Harf's statements would explain the jihadist's zeal for decapitating their victims, as it's a well-known fact zombies eat only human brains.

More on this important story as it develops.

 

 

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WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Today's top stories:

Radio One Bans Madonna

Pop radio powerhouse Radio One has dropped Madonna from their playlist citing the fact the Material Girl is "too old and irrelevant" for their young listeners. "Besides the fact she looks like a veiny chicken bone and possesses no discernable talent, our average listener simply isn't into their great grandmother prancing around dressed like a slut and singing about having sex. Hell, Nobody is," said a radio executive.

White House Issues Statement On Beheadings

The Obama White House released a strongly worded statement Sunday condemning the killing of 21 Egyptian Coptic Christians by Islamic jihadists in Libya: 

The United States condemns the despicable and cowardly random murder of 21 Egyptian citizens in Libya by unknown assailants. This wanton killing of innocents is just the most recent of the many vicious acts largely precipitated by an increasingly unstable climate, primarily caused by man-made emissions. The United States urges the nations of the world to join in combating this imminent threat to all of mankind.

 Al Sharpton Poses With Palin

The "Reverend" Al Sharpton managed to get next to Sarah Palin for a photograph on the red carpet at last night's Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary special. Sources said the human bobble head sidled up to Palin as she was being interviewed and was photographed apparently rubbing himself against her thigh. Afterward, Palin was seen attempting to remove a stain from her dress and looking for her purse.

FLOTUS To Vacation In Japan

Japanese newspaper Asahin Shimbun has reported that Michelle Obama and daughters Mihalik and Sasher will be visiting Tokyo and Kyoto in several weeks. The First Lady's physical stature coupled with traditional Japanese behavior is prompting local officials to educate citizens in those cities in hopes of preventing mass hysteria and the possible stampeding in streets. "Hory smoke, it rike Godzirra with bigger ass," said one frightened Kyoto housewife after being shown a photo of Mrs. Obama in yoga pants.

Ginsburg: Justice Breyer Roofied Me

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg admitted to an audience at George Washington University Thursday night that she wasn't "100 percent sober" when she passed out during President Barack Obama's State of the Union address.

Sources say Ginsburg privately accused fellow Justice Stephen Breyer of drugging the glass of wine she drank before the President's address, claiming she woke up in the Capitol cloakroom with her skirt on backwards, missing her brassiere and Depends, and 'reeking' of Old Spice.

Unconfirmed reports say Justice Breyer was later seen in a washroom 'dousing areas' with hand sanitizer, possibly giving weight to Ginsburg's remarks.

 

 

Elizabeth Warren Preparing To Run?

DES MOINES, Iowa (WNB) - Encouraged by recent polls showing voters strongly preferring Sen. Elizabeth Warren (RTRD-Mass) over Hillary Clinton, a new political action committee (PAC) has formed to pave the way for her to run for president. Warren is reportedly behind the effort, and if true, would confirm rumors she is preparing to run for the presidency.

Sources say the PAC, "Warren On The Warpath," will spend at least $5 million on bumper stickers (below), billboards, and newspaper ads. "We're going to capitalize on Elizabeth's proud Cherokee warrior heritage in getting the word out she's sharpening her tomahawk," said PAC spokesman Myron Wendleman.

 

 

America Stunned By News Jon Stewart Stepping Down

NEW YORK (WNB) - Americans are in shock today over news Comedy Central's Jon Stewart is leaving The Daily Show. The comedy genius made the announcement Tuesday to a stunned nation, setting off a firestorm of speculation over who, if anyone, can replace him. 

"Jon is a brilliant comedic genius, the likes of which this universe has never seen. He's simply irreplaceable," said one media expert. "He (Stewart) raised comedy to new heights. His intelligence and timing are as close to God-like as is humanly possible. When he leaves, comedy dies," said another.

Sources report Comedy Central has already put out a casting call for "40 - 45-year-old men who can smirk while reading jokes off a teleprompter."

 

God-like brilliant comedy genius Jon Stewart 

 

Obama Chosen For Prestigious Award

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Online news organization World News Bureau announced Tuesday that President Barack Obama has been chosen to receive their Dumbest SOB In America award. The award recognizes the individual who consistently demonstrates the inability to make good or intelligent decisions, thereby affecting as many people as possible.

"Quite literally every single thing Barry has done since becoming President has been an unmitigated disaster. He's either criminally stupid, hopelessly retarded, simply evil, or a combination of all three," said WNB spokesman Jeffrey Stiles in announcing the award.

 

Iran Having Its Way With Obama Administration

MUNICH, Germany (WNB) - Candid photos of Sunday's secret meeting between Secretary of State John Kerry and Iranian counterpart Muhammad Javid Zarif in Munich (below) vividly illustrate Iran's dominance over Obama administration foreign policy.

"Zarif really had his way with Kerry - it wasn't pretty," said one observer.

After months of high-level meetings over Iran's nuclear program, the Obama administration has given in to at least 80% of Iran's demands. Judging by this last meeting, the other 20% is soon to follow.

 

Iran Foreign Minister Muhammad Javid Zarif makes U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry his bitch

 

Brian Williams Should Be Forgiven

World News Bureau Editorial by Scooter Van Neuter

Since NBC's Brian Williams recently confessed to "disremembering" certain events that occurred during his coverage of the Iraq war, there has been a rush to judgement that I feel ignores the circumstances beyond his control that likely contributed to this unfortunate error.

Having also experienced the nerve-wracking, frantic confusion of being in combat, I can understand how easy it would be to forget minor details like which helicopter got shot down and whether I was in it. When bombs are flying and bullets are exploding, there's no time to take notes - every second is spent figuring out how you're going to get out of that disintegrating warbird, if you were to be in it. 

It's easy for those who have never been in real combat to cast stones, but until they have experienced the fog of war emanating from the heat of battle, they need to keep their opinions to themselves. Everyone makes mistakes, and war amplifies those mistakes. Cut Williams some slack.

Disclaimer: The author of this editorial has admitted to possibly disremembering certain events during his time reporting from a combat zone.

 

 

Obama Secret Iran Strategy Is Working

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Critics accusing Barack Obama of having no foreign policy strategy may be proven wrong, based on new information concerning his secret talks with Iran.

State Department sources claim that not only does the President have a strategy for the Mideast, he is enjoying surprising success in getting major parties to agree to it.  Here is what we've learned of the Obama administration's strategic blueprint for the Mideast:

1. Agree to stop Israel from attacking Iran if Iran will talk to us
2. Drop all sanctions against Iran if they promise to do something about ISIS
3. Give Iraq and Afghanistan to Iran so they can establish armies and bases to battle ISIS
4. Give Iran $40 billion a year to combat ISIS and not attack Israel
5. Allow Iran to develop nuclear weapons as long as they promise not to use them against anyone but ISIS - especially Israel
6. Sell Iran long-range rockets to attack ISIS anywhere in the world
7. Reassure Israel by giving them an extra $50K a year for additional missile defense systems and bomb shelters

"As a community organizer, Barack Obama learned that adversaries become friends when they share a common enemy, you give them things, or preferably both. That's the basis of his strategic vision for the Middle East, and so far he's getting his way with it," said one pleased State Department executive.

 

 

MSNBC Bloodbath

NEW YORK (WNB) - Insiders say news network MSNBC will reportedly make dramatic changes in a desperate effort to hold on to their remaining handful of regular viewers.

Sources say Network President Phil Griffin was ready to aggressively "slash and burn" the lineup of every unpopular program until it was realized that strategy would leave only Chris Matthew's Hardball, a show even Griffen allegedly hates. Instead, Griffin is said to be considering a more surgical approach:

• Get rid of Chris Hayes. Viewer studies indicate the only people watching his show 'All In' is his mother, sister, and cellblock 'G' of Indiana State Penitentiary (and they have no choice).
• Get rid of Alex Wagner. His show 'Now' garners 50% fewer viewers than the off-air test pattern of Cleveland's WKYC Channel 3.
• Have Ronan Farrow and Joy Reid killed and buried in the desert. 
• Makeover Rachel Maddow. Polls indicate that normal, non-sexually confused viewers are simply too weirded out to watch this androgynous freakshow. Plans call for making him/her into an easily identifiable gender and losing the stupid glasses.

Industry experts say these and other changes are coming soon, but will they be enough?

 

MSNBC's Rachel Maddow

 

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Suge Knight Denied Bail

Rap mogul Suge Knight was charged Monday with murder and attempted murder following a fatal hit-and-run incident in Compton last week.

A judge denied bail for Knight on the grounds he posed a flight risk, has two prior felonies, and "drives like sh*t."

Trayvon Martin's Father To Headline 'Black Excellence' Gala

Tracy Martin, father of Trayvon Martin, has been asked to headline Texas Tech’s Black Excellence Gala. Martin will reportedly speak on 'being excellent while black.'

Sources say Martin was a last minute substitute when the original keynote speaker was denied bail.

The event is being hosted by the Wassup Chapter of Kappa Yoass Fraternity, to commemorate Black History month.

Millions Of Illegals Secretly Given Visas

An investigation into shortages of some consumer goods has led to the discovery of an illegal alien illegal immigrant undocumented immigrant undocumented Democrat New Americans Who Can't Speak English amnesty program by the Obama administration that has secretly given millions 'work permits.'

The secret amnesty program was found after a six year investigation into nationwide shortages of spray paint, lawn equipment, cheap car stereos, and Oakland Raiders apparel.

 UK Okays Three Person Babies

The UK will become the first country to introduce laws to allow the creation of babies from three people. In a free vote in the Commons, 382 MPs were in favor and 128 against the technique that mixes the DNA of two women with that of one man. 

The process was originally discovered in the United States in the 1950s, when two Tennessee sisters, a boyfriend, and a bottle of cheap whiskey combined to produce a 'three way.'