World News Bureau

FBI Seizure

Israel: Real Friends Don't Want Friends Dead

TEL AVIV (WNB) - Israeli politicians are lashing out at the Obama administration, as details emerge of the U.S. State Departement's negotiations with Iran. By all accounts, the pending deal is a miserable one for Western interests, financially rewarding Iran while allowing them to continue enriching uranium to weapons-grade levels in their secret underground bunkers.

"Real friends don't want friends dead," said one Likud Party councilman. "We desperately need some new friends - how long until the American's elections?"

Sec. of State John Kerry dismissed Israeli complaints, saying the proposed agreement would prevent Iran from possessing a nuclear weapon "for months."

 

 

Panic As President Locks Out Media

WASHINGTON (WNB) - A growing number of media outlets are sounding the alarm on the Obama administration's adamant refusal to share information about its actions. Included are networks and newspapers that have been obvious supporters and apologists for the President.

"President Obama has definitely locked us out," said one NBC News executive. "We're banging on the door while the country is in a freefall - what the hell's going on in there?'"

  

 

Iranian Demands Leaked

WASHINGTON (WNB) - A source  allegedly within the State Department has leaked a list of demands Iran is seeking in return for an agreement to curtail their nuclear program.

According to the document, Iran describes the following items as "non-negotiable and integral" to their acceptance of any agreement:

• The United States and its partners immediately drop all sanctions against and release all funds held by, or earmarked for, Iran.
• The United States agrees to pay Iran $20 billion to cover their costs of not developing nuclear weapons.
• The United States agrees to sell Iran defensive arms, including fighter aircraft, tanks, anti-aircraft defense systems and artillery at a significant discount in order to secure their nuclear facilities against ISIS and other threats.
• The United States pledges to "reevaluate" its relationship with Israel.
• The United States agrees to provide Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Hosseini Khamenei with a personally autographed photo of President Obama and his wife sitting in a tree eating bananas.
• John Kerry must sign the agreement in Tehran wearing a bunny costume.

 

 

White House: Israel Responsible For Syphilis Epidemic

WASHINGTON (WNB) -The Obama administration on Tuesday accused the Israelis of being behind the syphilis epidemic in New York City.

"We know the Israelis are responsible, as this particular strain of syphilis is Kosher," said Center for Disease Control spokesman Tom Skinner. The news brought condemnation from high-ranking Democrats as well as several Republicans.

The news comes one day after the White House accused the Israelis of spying on its nuclear arms negotiations with Iran - a charge adamantly denied by the Israeli government. "We don't need spies to know the current American administration is doing a bad deal - they have been nothing if not consistent," said an Israel intelligence official.

 

 

San Francisco Has Largest LGBT Population

A new Gallup survey of America's 50 largest metropolitan cities confirms that the San Francisco area has the nation’s highest concentration of men and women who identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

The largest LGBT populations are in San Francisco, Portland, Austin, New Orleans, and Seattle. The city with the smallest LGBT population in America is Birmingham, Alabama.

The same poll also rated the fastest growing cities in America, with Birmingham, Alabama coming in first by a considerable margin. The majority of new Birmingham residents were from San Francisco, Portland, Austin, New Orleans, and Seattle.

Experts credit Birmingham's low cost of living as being the primary factor for the influx of new residents.

 

 

Obama Addresses Iranian Citizens

WASHINGTON (WNB) - While his administration prepares to oppose Israel in the United Nations, President Obama observed the Iranian spring holiday of Nowruz by sending a warm video message to the Iranian people. 

The four-minute message features the President wearing a small beard and extolling the friendship between the two countries and the benefits of a nuclear weapons treaty. 

"For decades, our nations have been separated by mistrust and fear, mainly due to mistakes made by my predecessors. Now it is early spring, and we have a chance to make progress that will benefit our countries, not to mention upset someone who should not have just got re-elected," Obama says in the video.

The Iranian state news agency on Friday called the President's message "like a frightened girl begging for mercy."

Iranians traditionally celebrate Nowruz by preparing feasts, exchanging gifts, and sodomizing young relatives and the occasional goat.

 

President Obama addresses Iranians

 

Japanese Emperor Akihito Suffers Heart Attack Meeting FLOTUS

TOKYO, Japan (WNB) - Japanese sources report Emperor Akihito is resting comfortably after apparently suffering a minor heart attack while posing for photos with First Lady Michelle Obama. 

Photos of the meeting indicate the 81-year-old Akihito may have been startled by Mrs. Obama who towered over him by nearly five feet (below). 

An earlier visit to Japan by the First Lady produced several incidents referred to as "Godzilla moments," where local residents, many raised on the popular monster films, were traumatized when approached by Obama. Sources say the Emperor may have suffered a similar reaction.

 

"Godzilla moment?" Michelle Obama greets a startled Emporer Akihito

 

Netanyahu Victory Winners And Losers

TEL AVIV (WNB) - Reaction to Benjamin Netanyahu's unexpected and decisive victory Tuesday has been widespread.

Nearly all of the Israeli leader's critics appeared to be relishing his impending political demise, resulting in much angry indignation today as the scope of Netanyahu's victory became clear.

Based on response, here are the winners and losers of yesterday's election:

Losers

• Iran
• Obama administration
• Hamas
• ISIS and their affiliates
• Islamic jihadists everywhere
• Most of Europe

Winners

• Israel

 

 

Bibi To Barry: Bite Me

TEL AVIV (WNB) - By all indications, Benjamin Netanyahu and his Likud Party have won the election today in Israel. This contest was the closest yet for Netanyahu, thanks to massive leftist campaigns, including from the Obama administration, to unseat him.

Obama's contempt for Netanyahu is well known, and with Bibi's last second attempt to woo conservative voters by promising he will never give the Palestinians their own state, he has provoked outright derision from Obama. Obviously aware of this fact, the Likud Party posted a message Tuesday night on their website presumably to President Obama (below) with just two words: "Nice try."

 

Bibi to Barry: Nice try, now bite me.

 

ISIS Courting American Public Support

KHATBOKS, Syria (WNB) - A 30-minute audio message to the West recently released by the Islamic State (ISIS) appears to be an attempt to curry favor with the American public.

In the message, ISIS spokesman Sei-Mahhari Bunghol specifically promises to "blow up" the White House, marking the first time the group has directly attempted to appeal to average Americans.

Reaction in the U.S. has been mixed, with the Obama administration condemning the message, but nearly 40% of American voters saying it gave them a "more favorable" opinion of the jihadist group and at least some of its stated goals, according to polls.

 

 

Transgender Teen Lands Reality Show

LOS ANGELES, California (WNB) - Cable network TLC will premiere a new reality series featuring Jazz Jennings, a mentally ill male transgender teenager who has been living as a girl since the age of five.

According to People Magazine, the series All That Jazz "will focus on the life of an average teenage girl dealing with school, friends, family, and a larger than average penis."

Jennings is a 14-year-old activist and author, well-known for being vocal about transgender issues and was named one of Time Magazine’s "25 Most Likely teenagers To Need Electroshock Therapy." 

 

 

Holder Condemns Police For Inciting Shooting

WASHINGTON (WNB) - In the wake of two Ferguson police officers being shot by protesters Wednesday night, outgoing Atty. General Eric Holder said his department will investigate the Ferguson Police Department to determine whether they are guilty of provoking residents to break the law.

"We believe that by lining up in front of the protesters night after night after night, the police are taunting the residents of Ferguson to shoot them," Holder to reporters Thursday morning. "Encouraging individuals to break the law is, of course, a crime. Just because one wears a uniform doesn't give him or her the right to break the law."

The ongoing nightly protests are in response to the justified shooting of Unarmed Gentle Giant^TM Michael Brown last year.

 

Atty. General Eric Holder

 

Technology 1, Hillary 0

CHAPPAQUA, N.Y. (WNB) -  Critics have been quick to ridicule Hillary Clinton's statement yesterday concerning why she used her private server for State Department, as well as personal email communication. 

"I opted for convenience to use my personal email account...because I thought it would be easier to carry just one device for my work and for my personal emails instead of two," said Clinton. "Looking back, it would have been better if I'd simply used a second email account and carried a second phone, but at the time, this didn't seem like an issue."

Now, new information indicates the former first lady may indeed possess the technical intelligence of your great grandmother. Sources close to the former first lady say they have observed her engaging in yelling, profanity-laced arguments with both her car's navigation system and 'Siri' on her iPhone. "Hillary hates Siri with a passion," said the source. "She's convinced Siri's sleeping with Bill."

 

 

News News News!

World News Bureau - Today's top stories:

Charlie Hebdo Named Islamaphobe Of The Year

Muslim website 5 Pillers has named the staff of Charlie Hebdo that were murdered by Muslim terrorists as 'International Islamophobe of the Year' for portraying Muslim terrorists as terrorists.

The website stopped just short of calling for the staff of Charlie Hebdo to be murdered (again).

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Black Pastors: Don't Compare Civil Rights To Gay Anything

A black pastors association is outraged that President Obama compared the civil rights struggle of the 60s with gay marriage, during the 50th anniversary of the "Bloody Sunday" march.

"We didn't suffer and die for messed-up perverts to bone each other in the butts, we marched for opportunity, equality, justice, and freedom from oppression," said Rev. Clarence Jenkins of the Association of African American Pastors. "Obama is a disgrace to the black community, and his bitch ain't much better."

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Chelsea Clinton: I Would Absolutely Consider Politics

Chelsea Clinton recently told an interviewer that she would "absolutely consider" running for political office.

One media pundit said Clinton's lack of any identifiable skill or talent, coupled with her mother's looks restrict her ability to do anything other than being a politician. "She's got the face of an aardvark, the body of Poppin Fresh, and her voice gives people diarrhea - what else is she going to do?"

Some are blaming Clinton's comments for a sudden increase of Americans renouncing their citizenship.

 

 

Dems Propose "Dept Of Peacebuilding"

WASHINGTON (WNB) - A group of Democrats have introduced legislation for the creation of a massive new federal agency charged with establishing world peace.

To be called "The Department of Peacebuilding," the new agency is the brainchild of intellectual powerhouse Rep. Barbara Lee (RTRD-Ca) and nine other Democrats, most of whom are members of the Congressional Hate Whitey Black Caucus.

When asked how the department would achieve its lofty goals, Lee explained, "Well, we'll first start by combining the building blocks of peace - love, trust, and harmony - into one large peace which we will then spread around the world. Areas with war will get larger amounts of peace, and areas of the world already peaceful will, naturally, receive less. It sounds complicated, but really it's not."

Critics of the plan point to the plan itself and literally everyone involved.

 

Rep. Barbara Lee (RTRD-Ca)

 

Hillary: I Don't Even Know What A Server Is

NEW YORK (WNB) - Hillary Clinton is reportedly close to presenting a defense against the growing scandal that she used a private email account based out of her home during her tenure as Secretary of State. The presumed presidential candidate will reportedly claim ignorance about how emails work and will deny having knowledge that email servers were located in her personal residence.

An alleged Clinton campaign source divulged what is described as a working draft of a forthcoming press release:

My Fellow Americans,

Recent news stories alleging I may have inadvertently utilized an email system not fully compliant with State Department guidelines has prompted me to mount an immediate investigation into my email system as well as the reported potential presence of 'servers' in my residence, and what organization or individuals may have placed them there.

As most Americans know from reading my book "It Takes A Village," I am foremost a woman and a mother. As such, my technical knowledge essentially begins and ends at operating a toaster. Like all females, I naturally have no understanding of high-tech electronic devices such as servers (what's a server?) or how emails work. All I know is when I type something on my phone and hit 'send' it flies through the air to the person's phone I sent it to - it's simply magic to me.

Reports that my husband and I have these servers in our home is frankly news to me, but may possibly explain what those boxes with lights are in our basement. I am reasonably certain they were there when we bought the home, but if not, I will determine how they got there and punish those responsible. I have instructed workmen to inspect them, and if found to be servers, to disconnect them and carefully pour out and burn any emails they may contain.

All Americans can confidently trust that I will always knowingly adhere to all government outlines and will redouble my efforts to assure that those in positions of authority around me do the same.

God Bless America.

Hillary R. Clinton

 

 

Dems: Hillary "Turd In The Punchbowl"

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Leading Democrats are frantically seeking a presidential candidate to take Hillary Clinton's place, as 'Emailgate' gathers steam.

"Hillary is unquestionably the turd in the punchbowl at this point," said Sen. Al Frankin (RTRD-Minn). "We've now got to find a viable candidate that's not a proven liar, fraud, or criminal. It's going to be tough."

Many Democrats are looking seriously at either Sen. Elizabeth Warren (RTRD-Mass) or former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley to challenge Hillary for the nomination, even though both have their own baggage. Warren, more commonly referred to as 'Liawatha' or 'Fauxcahontis,' is despised by many for her blatant lies about her non-existent native American heritage, while O'Malley is a dim-witted, unrepentant abortion fanatic who campaigned for baby-killing Texas gubernatorial candidate Wendy Davis.

Meanwhile, Clinton remains hunkered down in a undisclosed safe house, presumably desperately trying to figure out a way out of her self-imposed mess.

 

 

Sabotage - Hillary Emails Hacked?

WORLD NEWS BUREAU EXCLUSIVE - Embarrassing photos purported to be hacked from Hillary Clinton's private emails have surfaced just weeks before she is expected to announce her candidacy for president. 

The question everyone is asking is who is responsible? The infamous hacker 'Guciffer' who discovered and publicized the fact Clinton was using a personal email server for her communications is the obvious suspect, but many believe the images may be the work of GOP operatives. At least one expert believes the photos are fakes, created to humiliate Clinton.

Another obvious question is who were the racy photos intended for? Sources claim GPS tagging info on at least one of the images indicates it was taken in or near Vice President Joe Biden's residence in Greenville, Delaware.

WARNING: The images below may be disturbing to some readers. Do not view if you suffer from any of the following: High blood pressure, low blood pressure, cardiac arrhythmia, fainting, high anxiety, headaches, erectile dysfunction, fat and/or blubber phobias, sexual confusion, seizures, nightmares, jimmy legs, excessive sweating, uncontrolled flatulence, weak bladder, nausea, or are under the age 65.

 

Obama Photographed Playing During Netanyahu Address

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Photos taken Tuesday morning (below) appear to contradict White House assertions that President Obama was too busy to attend Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's address to a joint session of Congress. 

The photos show a jubilant President Obama building, then hugging what looks to be Arab terrorist snowmen on the White House lawn.

One major Israeli news network called the photos "deliberately insulting."