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DERTBOL, Tanzania (WNB) - A plane carrying former president Bill Clinton made an unscheduled landing in Tanzania Wednesday. According to sources, Clinton visually detected problems with one engine, and the pilot made an emergency landing in a rural area known for its primitive tribes.
After a thorough inspection and interaction with a group of natives (below), the flight resumed several hours later with no problems.
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WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama is being criticized for entertaining guests and partying while America suffers some of the worst rioting in years.
"Again, the President fiddles while Rome burns," declared the headlines in one Maryland newspaper.
The President and First Lady Michelle posed for photos with Japanese Prime Minister Meiso Hoeni and his wife Meto (below) as the city of Baltimore was being ravaged by widespread looting, assaults, and destruction.
The Obamas with Japanese Prime Minister Meiso Hoeni and wife Meto
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BALTIMORE, Maryland (WNB) - City of Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake told reporters Tuesday that her primary concern at this point is the "safety and well-being" of protesters.
"We have a great number of our young people in the streets in danger of cars and traffic, broken glass, and burning fires. I've directed police to make their protests as safe as possible, and allow them the room they need to destroy things in order to achieve the social justice they deserve."
There appear to be tensions between the mayor and Governor Larry Hogan after Hogan complained yesterday that he attempted to reach Rawlings-Blake for hours before finally getting the OK to deploy the National Guard. Sources say the Republican governor privately refers to Rawlings-Blake as "Mayor Moron."
"Mayor Moron" Baltimore Mayor Stepanie Rawlings-Blake
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By World News Bureau investigative reporter Pepe Rivera
BALTIMORE, Maryland (WNB)
8:00 PM - I'm in Baltimore outside on street. I see policemans. Lots of policemans with big things to block rocks and things that are throwing at them. They are all in the street looking at black peoples who are yelling at them. There are many black peoples yelling and throwing things. The policemans are not yelling. They have things to stop the rocks which is good for them because black peoples throwing everything.
9:30 PM - Buildings on fire. Lots of black peoples running around with things from shopping. They are shopping in stores. Policemans are looking at them and say stop shopping in stores. I see little bomb throwing from policemans that smoke everywhere. I can not see and make me cry. Black peoples running and cry and shopping. Very much shopping and running. Everybody cry because of police bombs.
11:00 - Black peoples jumping on police car. Car look new but now getting ruin. Polices down street yelling stop jumping on car! More police bombs throwing at black peoples but they throwing rocks back. Everybody throwing back and forth. Police car ruin.
1:15 - So many black peoples I ever seen. Black peoples shopping. Black peoples running. Black peoples burning, Black peoples yelling. Everyone shopping. Policemans looking at them and looking at ruin car. I guess they don't want to get ruin like the car so they just look. Black peoples have fun with shopping. Policemans not having fun because car ruin and so many black peoples.
3:00 - Many more policemans come and black people finish shopping. Everything on fire. Police cars are ruin. Street is dirty and everything dirty with fires. Many policemans are looking at fire. This party over.
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VATICAN CITY, Rome (WNB) - The reality of climate change appears to have been finally settled as Pope Francis prepares to convene a Vatican workshop on the subject. The Pontiff has been calling for increased action against climate change, calling it "a threat to all mankind."
"Well, I think when you've got a guy in a dress and gigantic headgear who claims to be God's personal envoy to the world saying it (climate change) is real, it must be real. I don't think God would lie to us," said one scientist.
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MALIBU, California (WNB) - Sources claim Bruce Jenner was provoked to switch genders by his ex-wife's constant insults.
"You know, you can only hear "why don't you go f*ck yourself" so many times before it becomes ingrained in your thought process. Now that she's gone I'm looking forward to giving it a try," the ex-Olympian allegedly says in an upcoming interview with Diane Sawyer.
While not specifically mentioned, the reported comments possibly allude to a process of undergoing transgender modification surgery without removing existing organs. "In medical sexual modification terminology it's called a "self serve," said one specialist.
Jenner has already completed at least some transitional surgery, having been recently observed "rocking a killer rack."
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By Scooter Van Neuter
Yesterday was Earth Day, one my favorite holidays. Every year this special day causes me to reflect upon Mother Earth, and what I might do to help preserve her.
I always do something special on Earth Day to nurture our planet. Last year I gassed my Corvette with premium instead of 106 octane and didn't urinate in the backyard until evening. This year I wanted to do something really special, so I decided to plant a tree.
Judging by my fatigue after cleaning the pool, it's become obvious that climate change has depleted the oxygen levels in my area, so I researched to find the most prolific oxygen-producing tree I could plant. I decided on the the Ceiba pentandra, or kapok tree. Beside producing tons of oxygen, the kapok was perfect for my yard, as just one would shade my entire property, and growing to over 200 feet tall would comfortably get above my neighbors' non-oxygen producing palm trees.
I hired a crew of botanists in Costa Rica to go into the rain forest to find a healthy specimen, then chartered a jet out of San Jose to fly the kapoc to Phoenix. I paid extra to have the flight attendants sing softly to it while applying moist towelettes to its trunk. It arrived in perfect condition.
After the transport company arrived with my new tree, I had arborists from Arizona State University move it into a temporary structure I had erected in the back yard while a hole was being prepared. After a brief ceremony of solemn prayers to Mother Earth and the symbolic sacrifice of a 1992 Chevrolet Suburban by fire, I gingerly planted the kapok tree into the earth's rich soil, where it would beautify the landscape and become a home to nature's wildlife for generations to come.
Unfortunately, later that night I found the mangled remnants of the kapok laying beside the pool, an apparent victim of my two Cocker Spaniel puppies. As I roasted s'mores over it in my outdoor fire pit I was already making plans for next Earth Day.
Thank you kapok tree for making the earth a better place.
My Earth Day kapoc tree (Ceiba pentandra)
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MOMBASA, Kenya (WNB) - Tensions are running high off the coast of Kenya as a U.S. carrier group faces off with an Iranian naval armada attempting to deliver arms to Hoopteedo rebel forces.
"The Iranians are blatantly taunting our forces out there," said U.S. Navy Admiral Herbert Shank, "Clearly, they're trying to provoke an incident."
Photos released Wednesday morning by the Pentagon show an Iranian heavy destroyer displaying the international sign of disrespect as it comes dangerously close to a U.S. naval vessel (below).
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St. LOUIS, Missouri (WNB) - Black residents are up in arms after a tree honoring Unarmed Gentle Gianttm Michael Brown was found destroyed just hours after being dedicated.
Alleged witness Anfernee Washington claims the tree was brutally bent and broken by an unidentified white police officer for no apparent reason. "He pull up and get out and jus' kick that tree. The tree wadn' doin' nothin' - it had its branches up like "don' shoot! Don' shoot! Damn."
Reports say the tree was earlier identified as being responsible for stealing water from another nearby plant. "The tree was much bigger than this little shrub. The little guy's lucky he wasn't killed," said one investigator.
The Black Caucus of the American Library Association is holding its national conference in St. Louis this summer, and dedicated the tree as a symbol of hating whitey healing.
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WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Pro-abortion groups are decrying new restrictions recently enacted or pending in several states.
Advocates are particularly upset at a Montana bill that would require an unborn child be anesthetized before being aborted. "This type of legislation is simply another attempt to portray the item to be removed as something more than an alien parasite," said one NARAL activist. "Maybe if these things felt a little more pain, they'd quit attacking women."
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SALT LAKE CITY, Utah (WNB) - A Utah Girl Scout troop is wanting to expand on the organization's embrace of LGBT individuals by attracting transgender "girls" through their new "Gay Pride Center."
Nancy Nawtee (formerly known as Hank Blatz) told Associated Press, "Girl Scouts is all about empowering young, confident females. Nothing says that more than a boy in a wig tucking his wiener."
The organization has created a merit badge for their transgender members (below).
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TURDHOLLOW, Iowa (WNB) - In a shocking departure for a name long considered synonymous with honesty and truth, reports indicate a Clinton may have been lying to the American public.
A recent story in Buzzfeed is calling into question Hillary Clinton's repeated assertions that her grandparents were black slaves who immigrated to America in search of freedom. "While Mrs. Clinton's grandfather did immigrate from a penal colony in Blechistan, her grandmother was a prostitute from Cleveland (below). Also, neither one of them were black," said investigative reporter Toby Richards.
Bill Clinton was quick to defend his wife, saying whether she lied "really depends on the definition of "immigrated" and "black."
Hillary Clinton's grandmother, "Sweet Cankles" Hanna Jones Rodham
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TURDHOLLOW, Iowa (WNB) - Sources say several staff members of Hillary Clinton's campaign team are traveling in a separate rental car because of conditions in "Scooby," the custom van transporting Clinton.
"Inside it smells like mothballs and ass." said one staffer, "The toilet's clogged and the trash is full of used Depends and hair - I couldn't take it anymore."
Reports say campaign workers are also quickly tiring of the former first lady's tirade of angry, profanity-laced complaints and demands. "The old battleaxe is an angry drunk - by mid-afternoon she's throwing F Bombs and pushing everyone around. I see why Bill is how he is."
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WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Today's top stories:
Biden Still Deciding On Whether To Run
Vice President Joe Biden says he is still trying to make up his mind on whether to run for president.
"I'm not kidding when I say being president would be a lot of fun - I know it would be. On the other hand, I like being vice president, so I guess right now I'm leaning towards just staying where I am."
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Hillary Set To Raise $2.5 Billion
Hillary Rodham Clinton is set to raise an astounding $2.5 billion for her presidential run, which will result in a record number of political commercials. "The American voters will see and hear Mrs. Clinton nonstop for the next year and half," gushed Democratic National Party head, Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
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Republicans Encouraged By Clinton Fundraising
Republican National Committee head Reince Priebus expressed optimism over reports Hillary Clinton will raise over $2.5 billion for her campaign. "Unless they can figure out how to make that many commercials without actually showing their candidate or playing her voice, they're in very serious trouble," said Priebus.
Hillary Clinton, Debbie Wasserman Schultz
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CHAPPAQUA, New York (WNB) - Sources say Hillary Clinton will be entering the presidential race this Sunday. Clinton will enter the race at a time when her favorability ratings are plummeting, and recent polls reflect the public's growing distrust of her.
Clinton's new campaign slogan was leaked Thursday afternoon to both accolades and criticism. The tagline "Let's start over" appears to confirm reports that Clinton will strive to distance herself from her former boss, using the well-known 'reset button' symbol she wielded as Secretary of State.
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SCOTTSDALE, Arizona (WNB) - A new poll rating voter's perception of the honesty of declared/likely presidential candidates* shows Hillary Clinton to be the least trustworthy by a considerable margin.
Respondents to this week's Farnum Poll placed Clinton in the "lying bitch from Hell" catagory. In comparison, the next least-trustworthy candidate, Jeb Bush, is considered to be just less than "mostly honest" by likely voters.
The poll sampled results from 4750 likely voters in 10 states, with a stated accuracy of +/- 2%.
*Poll was taken prior to Rand Paul entering
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WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama told an interviewer on Wednesday's Good Morning America that climate change "got personal" for him when his daughter Maleinko experienced an asthma attack.
"What I can relate to is the fear a parent has when your four-year-old daughter comes up to you and says, ‘Daddy, I’m having trouble breathing. Please put out that cigerette.' The fright you feel is terrible - nobody should be driven to smoke because of the fear of climate change."
Barack Obama and daughter Moleeki
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CHAPPAQUA, New York (WNB) - Reports that Hillary Clinton recently underwent cankle reduction surgery are fueling speculation that she is preparing to run for the presidency.
Sources say the two hour liposuction procedure removed over 14 pounds of fat from the former first lady's cankles. "I won't say she looks normal, but it's better than it was," said one Clinton insider.
Mrs. Clinton also reportedly had a laser procedure performed on her vocal chords that will hopefully allow her to raise her voice with less discomfort to listeners while campaigning. "Creating scar tissue on the vocal chords should hopefully make Mrs,Clinton sound less like an electrocuted yak when speaking up," said one medical expert.
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