World News Bureau

Jihadists Threaten Arizona "Draw Muhammad" Event

PHOENIX (WNB) - Islamic jihadists are promising to murder attendees of tonight's "draw Muhammad" event in Phoenix, Arizona.

The event, organized by patriot bikers, is being held across the street from the mosque attended by the two jihadists who were gunned down in Waco, Texas recently as they attacked a similar event.

Being in Arizona, in addition to the expected heavy police presence, literally every human over the age of three will likely be heavily armed and drunk, so organizers are sincerely hoping the jihadists attempt to make good on their threats.

Yours truly will be in attendance to cover and hopefully participate in the fun.

 

Jihadists threaten to keel anyone doing this at AZ event

 

Hollywood Not All It's Cracked Up To Be

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - Recent comments by a television actress lays bare the seedy side of filmmaking.

Plus-size actress/pretend rape victim/abortion advocate Lena Dunham says she refuses to wear a "nude patch" that conceals the genitals when filming nude scenes. "There's not one guy who works on my show that hasn't seen the inside of my vagina."

When asked about Dunham's statement, one production member refused to comment but produced a photo of the area in question (below) before falling violently ill. 

An Academy of Television Arts and Sciences official called the reports "beyond disturbing," and promised a full investigation.

 

The inside of Lena Dunham's vagina

 

Gay Population Surges

NEW YORK (WNB) - Researchers report a sudden and dramatic increase over the weekend of males identifying themselves as homosexual, including thousands who have been happily married for years. 

"I can't explain it, one second these guys are happily heterosexual - the next, they're repulsed by the thought of relations with a female," said Dr. Horace Fritch of John Hopkins University. "We're currently studying sunspot activity over the weekend, for lack of anything else."

In possibly related news, actress/rape victim/pro-abortion activist Lena Dunham inexplicably shared an Instagram photo of herself Sunday modeling lingerie (below).

 

 

Baltimore Police Blamed For Memorial Day Shootings

BALTIMORE, Maryland (WNB) - Baltimore recorded 29 shootings and 9 dead over the Memorial Day weekend - one of the deadliest on record, prompting some black leaders to blame the police.

"When we say we don't want no cops in our neighborhoods or talking to us don't mean we don't want them to stop the violence," said Rev. Willis Jackson. "They need to hear us - no cops, no violence - we want it now."

New Black Panther head Cinc Shabazz agreed: "The police need to do something, but they best not show their faces around here if they know what's good for them."

 

New Black Panther Party head Cinc Shabazz

 

Hillary Popularity Plummeting

 NEW YORK (WNB) - A new Farnum Poll shows Hillary Clinton's popularity with American voters is in a free-fall. The latest results indicate a drop of over 17% - the largest of any candidate in recent history. 

In a sampling of 2050 registered voters across the country, a majority said they have a higher opinion of genital warts, ISIS, and even Kanye West than of the former first lady.

A publicist for Clinton discounted the results, pointing out that Clinton still has a higher favorability rating than many venomous spiders.

 

 

Michelle Obama Workout

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - A new video featuring First Lady Michelle Obama has gone viral. The video, released under her "Let's Move" initiative, shows Mrs. Obama lifting weights and kickboxing.

Critics claim the video gives weight to rumors that the First Lady may possibly be a transgender male.

 

 

 

Obama: Climate Change A Security Threat

NEW LONDON, Connecticut (WNB) - President Obama is warning that climate change has morphed into something significantly more dangerous than a possible increase of 1/3rd degree over the last 40 years - it has now reached the level of national security threat. 

"Make no mistake, climate change is directly affecting the way the U.S. military defends our country. Don't think that the bloodshed taking place in places like Syria, Iraq, and Kenya doesn't constitute a threat to our nation - it does," President Obama told a graduating class at the Coast Guard Academy in New London, Connecticut on Wednesday. 

The President's comments set the stage for his expected signing of an executive order declaring war on climate change.

 

Girl Scouts Court Transgender "Girls"

SIXTH CIRCLE OF HELL (WNB) - A blog post by "chief Girl Scout expert" Dr. Andrea "Andy" Bosconi double downs on that organization's new-found acceptance of boys masquerading as girls.

Titled, "The Meaning of Serving All Girls - Even Those With Weiners,"  the post says "Girls Scouts gladly accept all girls in kindergarten through 12th grade as members, even those with a penis or facial hair. Any girl who says they are a girl is welcomed as a Girl Scout."

Conservative groups have launched a petition against the new policy.

 

 

Move Under Way To Send Bikers To Baltimore

WACO, Texas (WNB) - With Waco, Texas no longer a viable option, a movement is underway to have outlaw motorcycle clubs meet in Baltimore, Maryland.

"It just seems like a good mix - heavily-armed inbred, meth addict bikers and feral, illiterate, homicidal street thugs - I think society would ultimately benefit," said the organizer, wealthy online news maven, S. Van Neuter.

The organization is attempting to raise $2,500 for gasoline, meth, and ammunition to get the bikers to Baltimore. Ferguson, Missouri is an alternate, should the fundraising fall short.

 

Pelosi: Republicans Caused Train Wreck

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi blamed the fatal train crash in Philadelphia this week on Republicans.

"Republicans' refusal to spend money played a major role in this accident. More infrastructures would have caused this engineer to slow down on that curve - there's no denying that," Pelosi told reporters Thursday afternoon. "We need more infrastructures, not less."

Majority Speaker John Boehner replied by offering to buy every Amtrak engineer "at least two infrastructures in order to reduce speeding."

 

 

God Supposedly Recognizes State Of Palestine

VATICAN CITY, Rome (WNB) - In what appears to be a divine revelation, God's personal envoy to earth, Pope Francis, has officially recognized the "State of Palestine" in a new treaty.

"Yes, it's a recognition by God Himself that the state exists," said the Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi.  

The treaty also recognizes Israel as "an occupying force of Christ-killers," prompting Prime Minister Netanyahu to tell reporters Wednesday, "Our country has bigger worries than the opinion of an old white guy in a dress."

 

 

Michelle Obama: Being Black FLOTUS Difficult

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Michelle Obama says that being the first black first lady has been difficult.

"Was I too loud or too angry or too prehistoric looking? Would people think of me as less feminine because of my size, strength, or because I have a penis?" Obama told an audience at historically black Tuskegee University.

"It's been hard, really hard. People assume that taking a new exotic vacation every month or wearing the finest clothes, eating the finest food, or having a staff of 50 wait on you like a queen makes being a black first lady easy. Well, it doesn't."

 

 

Planned Parenthood Celebrates Mother's Day

Iranian General On War With US: "We Keel You"

KHATBOKS, Iran (WNB) - Iran's senior general says waging war against the US is "no big deal."

Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps Brigadier General Husseen M'Salami said in an interview with Fars News Agency on Wednesday, "We have prepared ourselves for the most dangerous scenarios and this is no big deal. Our many little speedboats and pickup trucks with mounted guns proudly proclaim to the Americans 'we keel you.'"

 

Poll: Hillary Least Trusted

NEW YORK (WNB) - A new Farnum Poll shows presidential candidate Hillary Clinton struggling to earn the American public's trust.

In a sampling of nearly 4000 registered voters, only 4% trusted Mrs. Clinton more than a foreign telemarketer, used car salesman, or even a Ferguson, Missouri crime witness (below).

Many political experts point to Clinton herself as being the problem: "I think the problem is she lies about everything. She's a liar," said one Democratic analyst.

 

Hillary Clinton Located

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colorado (WNB) - For somebody running for president, Hillary Clinton has been virtually invisible for the last few weeks. The candidate has been in hiding since the book "Clinton Cash" publicized the questionable financial contributions to her Clinton Foundation during her tenure as Secretary of State. 

Sources claim Mrs. Clinton has finally been found, living in a nondescript house in Colorado Springs under the name "Ethel Munk." 

"I'm pretty sure it's her - she's shaped like a walrus, wears pantsuits, and has a voice like an air raid siren," said one resident.

 

"Ethel Munk" - Hillary Clinton?

 

Mass Cancellation Of Phone Service Reported

NEW YORK (WNB) - Communications companies are struggling to cope with a sudden avalanche of customers cancelling their phone service. Affected are both land-based and mobile accounts.

"We've never seen anything like it - we had over 200,000 cancellations in New York alone," said one Verizon employee. Along with the cancellations, phone service providers are also reporting a sharp spike in requests for new and unlisted numbers.

Some experts believe that Americans have reached a 'tipping point' with today's connected society, longing for simpler times when they weren't constantly in contact with everyone, while others say it is too early to identify a reason for the cancellations.

 

 

News News News!

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - This week's top stories.

Jihadist Wannabes Gunned Down At Cartoon Contest

GARLAND, Texas - Two illiterate, black retards men who considered themselves to be something other than illiterate retards "mujahideen" were sent back to Hell dispatched to Paradise killed outside of a Muhammad cartoon contest Sunday after they attempted to storm the building. 

"They appeared to have achieved what they wanted and are no doubt being anally raped by Satan as we speak," said one Dallas police officer at the scene.

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Female College To Accept Trannies

NORTHAMPTON, Massachusetts -  All-female Smith College, is changing its policy to accept sexually mentally ill men transsexual "women."

The new policy, which takes effect for those applying this fall, followed a year of study. "We figured, what could it hurt to have a bunch of wig-wearing guys in the women's restrooms with their penises out?" said one administrator. "It sounds like fun."

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Bill Clinton Denies Foundation Wrongdoing

TANZANIA, Africa - Former president Bill Clinton told an NBC interviewer that his foundation has done nothing wrong that he "knowingly knew about."

"I want you to listen to me...I did not have inappropriate financial relations through that organization, the Clinton Foundation," said Clinton as he jabbed the air with his index finger. "I never told anybody to lie, not a single time, never. These allegations are false and I need to go back to work for the American people."

 

 

Baltimore Police Charged In Freddie Gray Case

BALTIMORE, Maryland (WNB) - City State's Attorney Marilyn Mosby announced Friday that there is probably cause to charge six police officers with wrongdoing in the death of seasoned felon, Freddie Gray.

"I have determined that there is credible evidence that attending police officers are guilty of violating Maryland Transportation Code § 22-412.3 - failure to use a  seat belt," said Mosby. 

An investigation showed that Gray died when he hit his head on the rear door of the police van because he was not properly restrained with a seat belt (see artist's rendering, below).

The charge, which carries a mandatory $25 fine, sets the stage for what promises to be a lengthy legal battle and further heightened tensions between the Baltimore felon community and police.