World News Bureau

White House Promises To Never Flood

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The Obama administration sent a powerful message to the world on Friday by illuminating the White House in the colors of the rainbow.

Borrowing God's visual promise to never again destroy the world's population by flooding, the multicolored-lit White House appeared to be a message from President Obama that he will never use full-scale flooding to kill all life, a move praised by Pope Francis and other religious leaders.

"We, who follow God in condemning war and destruction, applaud President Obama's vow to never destroy all life on this planet with a flood. Peace is the only answer," said the Pontiff.

 

Obama administration vows to never destroy all life with flood

 

EXTRA: Supremes Approve Same-Sex Marriage

 

 

Lois Lerner Hard Drive Failed Because Of "Impact"

WASHINGTON (WNB) - IRS employees testifying before the House Oversight Committee say that former IRS head Lois Lerner's hard drive appeared to have failed due to "impact damage."

An IRS technician who was summoned to repair Lerner's computer found the hard drive had 'crashed.' Upon examination, it was determined that data on the unit was non-recoverable because of the severity of the failure. The following is an excerpt from the hearing:

Rep. Jim Jordon (R-Ohio): Mr. Walker, as the IRS IT technician sent to repair Mrs. Lerner's computer, in your professional opinion, what caused the hard drive to crash or fail?

IRS technician Chris Walker: I'd say possibly an impact.

Rep. Jordon: Like the computer was jarred?

Walker: In a manner of speaking, yes.

Rep. Jordon: The computer had impact damage?

Walker: Well, not to the PC, but the hard drive.

Rep. Jordan: The computer was fine, but the hard drive inside had damage?

Walker: Yes.

Rep. Jordan: What kind of impact damage are we talking about here?

Walker: It's hard to say. Like maybe an axe or something like that.

Rep. Jordon: It had dents like it had been struck with an axe?

Walker: More like gouges. Gouges and dents.

Rep. Jordon: How many gouges would you say?

Walker: I don't know exactly. Maybe 20 or 30.

Rep. Jordon: So somehow an axe-like object inside the computer struck the hard drive 20 to 30 times, destroying it?

Walker: Yes, I would say so.

Rep. Jordon: This doesn't sound physically possible, wouldn't you agree, Mr. Walker?

Walker: It happens.

 

 Lois Lerner hard drive (API)

Islamic State Introduces Its Own Currency

BHUTPHUK, Syria (WNB) - The Islamic State (ISIS) has unveiled its own currency. The "Islamic Dinar" coin shown below has a reported value of 39 cents and is made of tin, spray-painted gold.

 

Transgender The New Normal

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Kim Jong-Un Develops Cure For Aids, Ebola, More

The state-run North Korean news outlet reports that leader Kim Jong-un has produced a revolutionary serum that cures Aids, Ebola, SARS, and MERS.

According to the report, the elixir's main ingredient is ginseng, which is eaten in large quantities by Jong-un, whose body then produces the serum. No mention is made of how the serum is collected or administered.

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Vatican Clarifies "Immense Pile Of Filth" Remark

In response to criticism over his referring to the earth as an "immense pile of filth," the Vatican issued a statement on Friday saying, "While our entire planet is facing environmental challenges, His Holiness was specifically referring to Detroit."

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Democrats Decry Gun Violence

In the wake of the mass shooting at a Charleston, South Carolina church Wednesday night, Democrats are calling for restrictions on guns.

"These guns are killing people all over the place and must be stopped," Rep. Maxine Waters (Retard-CA) said in a statement released this morning. "If we can't get rid of all guns completely, at least legislate they must have some kind of stopper in the barrel."

"Again, we see what happens when guns go bad," Tweeted Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (Retard-TX). "I favor the harshest penalty you can think of for any gun that kills or injures a living creature, especially humans."

 

New $10 To Feature Black Female

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Treasury secretary Jack Lew announced that the next $10 bill will feature the face of a prominent black female, in addition to that of Alexander Hamilton.

"The next generation of currency, starting with the new $10 note, will celebrated diversity as well as democracy," said Lew. "In keeping with that theme, it is only appropriate that we feature an African American woman."

The Treasury released an artist's rendering of what the note will look like (below).

 

 

Pope: "Treat Earth Like A Little Boy"

VATICAN, Rome (WNB) - A leaked transcript of Pope Francis' encyclical on climate change has been published, days before its scheduled release. In it, the Pope advocates strongly for "climate justice" and calls on mankind to show renewed respect for our planet. An excerpt:

"The earth is fragile, like a little child. By wantonly abusing it for our own selfish gain we are only bringing judgement on ourselves later. Like that little boy, we need to gently but firmly nurture the earth and its ecosystem with a hungry desire to not only satisfy our own needs, but also the needs of the environment. Give a hoot, don't pollute."

 

 

Michelle To Tall, Big-Assed Girls: "I See Myself In You"

LONDON, England (WNB) - First Lady Michelle Obama gave an address on female empowerment to a predominately-Muslim group of young girls in the London borough of Tower Hamlets Tuesday. 

Mrs. Obama told the girls that she saw herself in them: "When I look out at all these young women, I see myself - especially the tall, lanky, massively-thighed, big-assed girls with prehistoric facial features."

Sources blamed "poor translation" for the scattered cries from the audience in response to the First Lady's statement.

 

 

NAACP President "Hates Hip Hop, Likes Hockey, Eats Sushi"

SPOKANE, Washington (WNB) - More damaging news emerged over the weekend about Rachel Dolezal, the (apparently) white woman who's been masquerading as black while heading Spokane's NAACP office.

Sources say Dolezal privately loves hockey and would much rather eat sushi than fried chicken. Also, she is said to "loathe" hip hop, referring to rap as "retards talking to music." "Rachel mainly listens to country, classic rock, and lots of Clay Aiken," said one source.

If true, these latest allegations would confirm that the NAACP president is unquestionably 100% white.

UPDATE: NAACP regional head Rachel Dolezal resigned her position today after photos allegedly surfaced of her hunting with Sarah Palin.

 

NAACP President Outed As White

SPOKANE, Washington (WNB) - The parents of Washington state NAACP chapter president Rachel Dolezal have come forth to report their daughter is not black. 

"Rachel has chosen to pass herself off as African-American or biracial, but the only thing black in her has been likely every male NAACP member and their friends." 

The NAACP released a statement standing behind Dolezal, saying, "If this bitch is a cracker, she's one of the good ones." 

UPDATE: A day after her parent's disclosure, Dolezal was reportedly beaten and robbed of her phone and iPad at the NAACP offices in Spokane. Sources say she identified her attackers as "several middle-aged Jewish men."

 

Dolezal now and as a child

 

Obama Sending Troops To Retrain Iraqis

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama on Wednesday authorized an additional 450 U.S. troops to be sent to Iraq to train Iraqi security forces how to flee properly when confronted by Islamic State (ISIS) fighters.

The move comes after Iraqi forces apparently forgot their earlier U.S. military training, abandoning major cities and scattering like frightened schoolgirls at the mere mention of ISIS. In their panicked withdrawal, the Iraqis left tens of millions of dollars of donated U.S. tanks, Humvees, artillery, and other weapons to the comparatively tiny enemy forces.

"We obviously didn't do a good job of training the Iraqis the first time. This time we're really going to stress the importance of not leaving all the equipment behind when they flee," said White House spokesman Josh Earnest.

 

Iraqi tank crew reacts to rumor of ISIS in the area 

 

White House Briefing Evacuated

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Tuesday's White House press briefing was temporarily evacuated after several reporters complained of a "strong, awful" odor.

Secret Service staff quickly cleared the room and sent the reporters to the Eisenhower Executive Office Building to wait. Bomb squad and hazardous waste crews were called in to search the area.

After approximately forty minutes, officials allowed the reporters back into the press room after determining the odor to be merely the stench of failure emanating from the Oval Office.

 

 

White House Announces ISIS Strategy

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Apparently reacting to the widespread outrage over President Obama's admittance Monday that his administration has no strategy for dealing with the Islamic State (ISIS), the administration announced today that it now has an ISIS strategy.

State Department spokesperson John Kirby answered questions at a hastily-called press conference Tuesday morning:

Kirby: I am pleased to announce on behalf of the President and this administration the institution of a comprehensive strategy to arrest and eradicate ISIS forces in Iraq and Syria.

Reporter: Could you please provide some details of the plan?

Kirby: Of course. The main focus of the strategy is to first stop the spread of ISIS. Next, we will eliminate the ISIS armed forces altogether.

Reporter: How will the United States stop the spread of ISIS?

Kirby: I'm glad you asked that. We will stop their advancement by utilizing a comprehensive strategy of arresting their forward movement.

Reporter: And how does the administration plan to destroy ISIS?

Kirby: Our strategy calls for a the implementation of a plan to gradually eradicate ISIS fighting forces by focusing on their troops in both Iraq and Syria.

Reporter: How will you do that?

Kirby: Gradually.

Reporter: This sounds like an ambitious plan. How long does the administration estimate it will take to eradicate ISIS?

Kirby: We predict it will take about the normal time - maybe a little longer. Of course, when discussing conflicts such as this it is impossible to say for sure, but we anticipate a successful conclusion in what would be considered a normal timeframe.

Kirby: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

 

 

Obama: ISIS Strategy Still In Works

GARMISCH-PARTENKIRCHEN, Germany (WNB) - President Obama admits that his administration is still trying to come up with a strategy for dealing with the Islamic State (ISIS).

Obama told reporters in a press conference at the G7 Summit in Germany, "We don't have a complete strategy at this point. Our original plan to use our immigration strategy showed signs of being less than adequate, so we're looking for something else."

White House insiders confirmed that the President's decision to not hamper ISIS in any way with the hope they would peacefully enter the U.S. and fill jobs for lower-than-average wages and vote Democrat was possibly naive. "His (Obama's) default action on pretty much everything these days is to go play golf and hope things work out," said one aide. "He's a moron."

 

President Obama discusses his administration's ISIS strategy

 

 

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Cat Poop Parasite Tied To Mental Illness

Researchers say coming into close contact with cats can spread a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii (T. gondii) - also referred to as the "cat poop parasite" which is linked to schizophrenia and other serious mental diseases. 

"Longterm exposure to felines has been shown in two different studies to conclusively be a major factor in humans developing serious mental illnesses," said John Hopkins researcher Dr. Robert H. Yolken.

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Poll: Republicans Own Dogs, Democrats Prefer Cats

A new Farnum Poll shows the majority of Democrat politicians prefer cats over dogs (78%) while Republican politicians overwhelmingly own dogs (83%). An earlier poll indicated the same preferences hold true for voters, with Democrat supporters preferring cats while Republican voters tend to own dogs.

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Nancy Pelosi Injured By Pet

Reports say Minority Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was admitted to a San Francisco area hospital Thursday night after being attacked by her cat. "Apparently there was an incident over a piece of fish. We're trying to determine at this point who started it," said a police spokesman. 

Mrs. Pelosi is expected to make a full recovery.

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"Caitlyn" Jenner: My Only Friends Now Are My Cats

Sexually-confused former Olympian and reality TV star, Bruce Jenner, says the mixed reaction to his efforts to pretend to be a female have left him feeling isolated and alone. "Even my older kids don't want to be around me lately. My only close friends at this point are my 14 cats."

Jenner will be starring in a new reality show featuring his metamorphosis.

 

 

Move Underway To Reduce Baltimore Gang Deaths

BALTIMORE, Maryland (WNB) - Police in the city of Baltimore say the prescription drugs looted from 27 pharmacies and clinics during recent riots are responsible for the skyrocketing number of gang-related homicides. Now, a wealthy philanthropist is taking steps to do something about it.

Online news maven S. Van Neuter has announced a program to collect unused and outdated prescription narcotics for distribution to inner-city Baltimore street gangs. "The only way these gang members are going to stop killing each other is if there's a sufficient quantity of prescription drugs to go around. It's time to stop the bloodshed, stop the violence," said an emotional Van Neuter at a Thursday morning press conference.

The public is asked to send all outdated or unneeded narcotic prescription drugs to:

Stop The Violence, P.O. Box 1536, Baltimore, Maryland 21228

 

Scooter Van Neuter: "Stop the bloodshed, stop the violence."

 

Obama Announces Safeguards On Arms Going To Iraq

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Recent reports that ISIS is armed to the teeth with thousands of U.S. tanks, Humvees, personnel carriers, artillery, etc., left behind by fleeing Iraqi troops has prompted the Obama administration to alter massive new arms shipments.

"We are aware that ISIS may have obtained some U.S. weaponry accidently discarded by Iraqi forces. Because of this, we are instituting safeguards on all new weapons (photo below) going to that country," White House spokesman Josh Earnest told reporters Wednesday.

 

Poll: Public Fears/loathes Hillary Clinton

WASHINGTON (WNB) - A new CNN/ORC Poll shows the American public has an increasingly unfavorable opinion of Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton.

A growing number of people say Mrs. Clinton lies even more than President Obama (57%, up from 49% in March), nearly half feel she would murder them for a dollar (47%, up from 23% last July) and more believe she is an evil alien sent to destroy us (50%, up from 42% last March)

 

 

Bruce Jenner Injured In Photo Session

NEW YORK (WNB) - Sources say Bruce Jenner accidentally injured himself while being photographed for a Vanity Fair cover story. 

The former Olympian reportedly suffered a non-specific "strangulation" injury during a photo session with celebrated photographer to the stars, Annie Leibovitz. Jenner, now pretending to be a female and calling himself "Caitlyn," was reportedly treated and released at a local hospital.