World News Bureau

Poll: People Associate Hillary With Dishonesty

HAMDAN, Connecticut (WNB) - The first thing people associate with former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is dishonesty, according to a new Quinnipiac University poll. The second, third, and forth responses aren’t much better, demonstrating that the email scandal and perhaps other past controversies are taking their toll on Clinton, though she still leads the pack among the other Democrats seeking the party’s presidential nomination.

Here are the top associations, according to the poll:

1. Liar
2. Piece of sh*t
3. Lying piece of sh*t
4. Lying piece of sh*t with cankles

 

Kim Jong-un Threatens War

PYONGYANG, DPRK (BHN) - North Korea took one step closer to all-out conflict with South Korea, as photos released this morning show leader Kim Jong-un in the "Top Secret Make War Command Room," reportedly preparing his forces for an attack.

The startling images are the latest threats from that country in recent days, as the fiery, yet plush, leader continues to put his country on a war footing.

South Korean and United States forces in the region reacted to this latest provocation by staging a softball game and car show.

 

Surround by his top generals, Kim Jong-un prepares for war in his command center

Black Activist Leader Is White Teenage Girl

FERGUSON, Missouri (WNB) - Information has emerged that indicates Black Lives Matter activist leader Shaun King is, in fact, a 14-year-old white Valley girl from Redondo Beach, California. 

King's story appears to mirror that of Rachel Dolezal, the former NAACP official who pretended to be black for years, in order to hang out with inner-city African Americans without getting beaten or robbed.

According to sources, Shaun King was born Shawna Feldstein to parents Jules and Ethel Feldstein, who own a deli in the city of Redondo Beach. Why or when she decided to identify as a black male is unknown, but in the wake of the news, most who know King say it should have been obvious. "He never did look right. We just thought he was one of those albino brothers or something," said one colleague.

Shaun king / Shawna Feldstein

 

Scientists: Aliens Trying To Contact Us

 SOCORRO, New Mexico (WNB) - Scientists claim that aliens may be trying to make contact with us. A recent report says that transmissions received by radio telescopes contain structured syncopations, meaning they were probably created by intelligent beings.

Dr. Hayward Jenson of the National Radio Astronomy Observatory (NRAO) told WNB, "While the sound is chaotic and weird to the normal listener, there is a deliberate cadence that's not naturally occurring. We're pretty sure it's Tejano music being transmitted from somewhere in South Texas.

 

Ferguson Observes One Year Anniversary Of Gentle Giant's Death

ISIS Executes Women For Refusing Sex

FETID-KHATBOKS, Iraq (WNB) - Kurdish officials claim ISIS has executed 19 young women for refusing to have sex with them.

A UN envoy said the group treats women as a commodity, with the prettiest being traded for money and goods numerous times between men who use them for sex. When the men get bored, they simply pick up another. "These men are spending much of their time having sex - there's little actual fighting taking place," said one source.

In a possibly-related story, former president Bill Clinton said that reports he has been attempting to join ISIS through their website have been "completely blown out of proportion."