World News Bureau

Obama Hits Climate Change Panic Button

PARIS - (WNB) - President Barack Obama sounded an ominous warning to leaders and attendees from nearly 200 countries at the opening session of COP21, the U.N. climate conference in Paris, outlining the numerous ways climate change threatens the world.

Here is an excerpt of the President's address:

"Polar bears floating around on tiny, melting icebergs, peace-loving people in the Middle East driven to fanatical terrorism, major cities like Venice flooded, penguins sweating uncontrollably - we all know climate change is causing these things. As serious as these things are, I'm here to address the ultimate threat our civilization faces from rapidly rising temperatures caused by greenhouse gasses - spontaneous combustion.

Spontaneous combustion is what happens when something bursts into flame due to its temperatures reaching a flash point. At the present rate, it is simply a matter of time* until our entire planet is completely enveloped in flame, essentially becoming another sun. Little children suddenly catching fire in school. Mom and Dad exploding into flames at the dinner table. Grandmother's car becomes a fiery inferno on the way to church. This is our future if we fail to act NOW." 

*Approximately 2.3 billion years

Aftermath

Happy Thanksgiving!

A traditional Van Neuter Thanksgiving

 

ISIS: Kill Women Who Provoke Sexual Desire

KHATBOKS, Syria (WNB) - An ISIS fighter says that all women who provoke sexual desire need to be killed. 

"Any woman who doesn’t put a hijab on her head or exposes any part of her body should be killed for causing men to lust," said Ahab Abu Bhu in a radio interview Sunday. "The only exception is that American, Lena Dunham - any man who lusts after that deserves death himself."

Abu Bhu discussed his experiences as an ISIS fighter on "Aaron Klein Investigative Radio," the popular weekend talk radio program broadcast from Tel Aviv, Israel.

 CAUTION: NSFW Photo

Lena Dunham - safe from jihadis

 

Hillary Tweets Support For Sexual Assault Victims

NEW YORK (WNB) - Following an airing of a CNN documentary about sexual assault on college campuses, Democratic Party frontrunner Hillary Clinton tweeted her support for victims of sexual assault, only to quickly clarify her remarks apparently after giving the matter some thought (below). 

A Clinton campaign insider was quick to defend the candidate. "It was happy hour - enough cocktails would make anyone forget their husband is a serial rapist. Cut her some slack."

 

 

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California Dilemma: More People On Welfare Despite Increased Welfare Spending

Los Angeles - California officials are at a loss to explain why welfare applicants are up sharply despite spending over $25 billion on the nation's most generous welfare benefits.

"I just don't get it - we give the homeless everything they need to get a job and get ahead - housing, food, clothes, transportation, cell phones, even free marijuhana, yet they continue to be mired in poverty. Apparently $25 billion isn't enough," said LA mayor Eric Garcetti.

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Poll: Americans Want ISIS Irradicated After They Destroy The White House

A new Farnum Poll shows that an overwhelming number of Americans, 97%, want ISIS removed from the face of the earth, but only after the terrorist organization makes good on their promise to blow up the White House. 

"Americans clearly view President Obama as the more immediate threat," said a Farnum spokesperson. The poll has an error margin of plus or minus two percent.

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ISIS Poptart Undergoes Successful Makeover

SAINT DENIS, France - ISIS groupie Hasna Ait Boulahcen, 26, underwent a dramatic self-administered makeover on Thursday when she ignited explosives that blew her head off of her body.

"She had the kind of face that drives jihadists to sodomize young boys and farm animals," said an acquaintance of Boulahcen. "She looks a 100% better now - I'd do her."

French police were seen extinguishing the terrorist's flaming eyebrows with streams of urine before discarding her head in a nearby dumpster.

 

Doable - Hasna Ait Boulahcen before and after dramatic makeover

 

Obama: Unfair To Demonize ISIS Infiltrators

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama pushed back at critics of his immigration policy on Thursday by downplaying the dangers posed by the possible immigration of ISIS terrorists into the U.S. "This rush to label all ISIS operatives immigrating as Syrian refugees as "evil" is typical of the far right. They say the same thing about gay individuals yet we don't see them killing Americans or blowing up things. Give me a break."

Reaction was swift, as conservatives and even a few Democrats expressed anger at the President's comparison. Most outspoken was candidate Donald Trump: "Comparing perverts to ideological mass murderers is ridiculous - being revolted is a far cry from being killed. Hey Obama, go f*ck yourself."

 

 

South Side Chicago Women Launch Sex Strike

CHICAGO, Illinois (WNB) - A Chicago woman has launched a "sex strike" in her inner city neighborhood in an effort to stop area men from shooting each other and everyone else.

Chaqueefa Johnson Brown Washington said she's "fed up" with gun violence in the Windy City and is using the only weapon she has to force her male neighbors to lay down their guns. Her rallying cry is, "Peace: Put down that piece if you want a piece."

Despite the fact Johnson Brown Washington claims to have over 200 neighborhood women participating in the strike, inner city gun violence remains unchanged. Critics say the effort will remain ineffective until it expands. " You get 200 nearby fat white women on strike, and this whole thing works like a mutha*****," said one resident.

 

 

Barbie Commercial Features Boy

World News Bureau - In what can only be considered a sign of the times, the latest Mattel commercial features a very gay-looking little boy enthusiastically promoting their new "Moschino Barbie." The aspiring little rump rider gleefully exclaims "Moschino Barbie is so fierce!" as he holds what appears to be the doll's removal penis.

The Moschino Barbie sold out within an hour of its launch on Monday amid reports of slap fights and hair-pulling among eager shoppers vying to purchase the doll.

 

Je t'emmerde ISIS

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Gay Rape Underreported In Military

Far more military men are being raped by other men than is reported by the Pentagon says a new study by the American Psychological Association.

"Rates of military sexual trauma among men who served in the military may be as much as 15 times higher than has been previously reported, largely because of barriers associated with stigma, beliefs in myths about male rape, and feelings of helplessness," the APS said in releasing its findings Monday.

In possibly related news, on Tuesday the Pentagon applauded a new wave of patriotism sweeping the San Francisco area as recruitment centers have been inundated by men of all ages attempting to enlist. 

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Young Women Not Into Hillary

New polling shows younger women do not identify with Hillary Clinton. This week's Farnum Poll says that fewer than 15% of women under the age of 58 would vote for the candidate. When asked what turns them off about the former first lady, the vast majority (87%) listed "everything."

Clinton's campaign manager called the poll results "encouraging," saying, "Once we address these areas, it looks like we'll pick up some solid support.

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 Blacks Join Tarantino Boycott

The latest group to threaten a boycott against moviemaker Quentin Tarantino appears to be black people. The NAACP announced Tuesday that they are calling upon all black individuals to boycott Tarantino's upcoming film The Hateful Eight, but not for the same reasons as thousands of police departments across the country. 

"It's not because Quinton called cops murderers - everybody knows they are - it's because he's an insufferable attention-whoring dickhead who makes crappy movies," said a spokesman.

 

 Quentin Tarantino