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Crime In Los Angeles Soars in 2015

For the first time in over a decade, all types of crime increased dramatically in Los Angeles and other Southern California towns and cities. Violent crime - which includes aggravated assault, robbery, rape, and murder - increased 19.9% while property crimes increased 10.3% - an overall increase of 15.1% over 2014.

"We're working hard to try and figure out what's happened here," said Assistant Police Chief Ruben Morales. "The thinking right now is that the increase is somehow related to the burning of fossil fuels."

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Immigrant Populations Soar In Sanctuary Cities

New statistics show unprecedented immigrant population growth over the last year in towns and cities labeling themselves "sanctuary cities." The largest increases were seen in Southern California, especially Los Angeles, with an increase of 15.1% over last year. 

"Sanctuary city policies have really benefited our communities. In fact, Los Angeles officially now has the highest sales of spray paint in the entire world - and that includes China," said one proud LA council member.

At the current rate of immigrants entering and being allowed to stay, next year's foreign-born population increase in California is expected to nearly double that of 2015.

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Erectile Disfunction Linked To Early Death 

Men who suffer from erectile dysfunction (ED) are 70% more likely to die early according to  a new study. In addition, the study found that men who achieve sexual release a minimum of three times a day tend to live much longer than normal. The study was reported in yesterday's New York Times.

In possibly related news - Donald Trump posted this shout-out on his Facebook page this morning to his Democratic challenger's husband (below).

 

Netanyahu Downplays Obama Spying Report

TEL AVIV (WNB) - There is apparently no hard feelings on the part of Israel in the wake of a new Wall Street Journal story detailing President Obama's continuing surveillance of Israeli leadership.

The news comes after Obama publicly announced two years ago that the U.S. would stop eavesdropping on friendly heads of state. The story details how the Obama administration has been recording personal conversations between Netanyahu and his staff and even members of the U.S. Congress and Senate, because of the President's dislike and mistrust of his Isreali counterpart.

Netanyahu on Wednesday downplayed the report, releasing a photo of himself with the handwritten statement "We remain one with the Obama administration" (below).

 

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to Obama: No hard feelings

 

ISIS Issues Rape Rules

KHATBOKS, Syria (WNB) - A new "fatwa" issued by the Islamic State (ISIS) outlines how and when members can rape their female captives. The documents were revealed after U.S. special forces discovered the fatwa among a trove of documents in a recent Syrian raid.

In possibly related news, former president Bill Clinton was photographed in Syria Monday on a humanitarian mission on behalf of the Clinton Foundation (below).

 

 

Clinton Christmas Photo-op

NEW YORK (WNB) - Bill and Hillary Clinton were photographed strolling a quiet Manhattan street with daughter Chelsea and her family on Christmas day. 

The pre-arranged photo-op was meant to convey candidate Hillary in a "warm, grandmotherly fashion," but social media has been more focused on the bizarre coat she's sporting. "Hillary must have gotten a bottle of Scotch for Christmas = she's wearing an oriental table cloth or thinks she's Mao Tse Tung. Freaky." said one Twitter comment.

 

Bill and Hillary Clinton stroll Manhattan

 

Obama Christmas Card 2015

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Friends and associates of the Obama administration received this year's official White House "Holiday" card this week. The festive card features the First Family and dogs Sunny and Bo (below).

 

 

ABC Developing Miniseries On LGBT Movement

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - ABC has announced it is creating a miniseries chronicling the history of the gay rights movement. When We Rise will celebrate notable American homosexuals' efforts to elevate their mental illness lifestyle to "normal" in the minds of average people.

"This miniseries chronicles the personal and political struggles, setbacks and triumphs of a diverse family of LGBT men and women who helped promote homosexuality to what it is today, without mentioning the godless depravity, substance abuse, endless STDs and diseases, and mental illness and suicide that accompany it. It's going to be upbeat," said one network source.

An earlier working title of "Ass Pounders" was abandoned by ABC when it was found to be the title of an existing video production.

 

 

Trump Clarifies Hillary "Schlong" Remark

DETROIT (WNB) - This morning Donald Trump attempted to walk back his statement that Hillary Clinton was "schlonged" by Obama in their 2008 presidential race. The comment has generated widespread criticism from both parties.

"Look, I used a term to describe Hillary getting beaten by Obama in the '08 race, and I want to apologize for that. I think we all know the only way Obama would actually schlong Hillary would be if he mistook her for a he. Okay, maybe it's possible - I don't know." said Trump in an interview on MSNBC's Morning Joe.

In a move certain to generate more controversy, Trump displayed an artist's rendering of what a Clinton/Obama love child would look like (below).

 

Hillary Trashed Debate Restroom

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire (WNB) - The mystery surrounding why Hillary Clinton was late getting back on the stage at the last Democratic debate seems to have been solved after an investigation of the restroom stall she allegedly used showed signs of "extensive use" (below).

"It looks like somebody had a poop party in there," said one maintenance worker who spent nearly an hour sanitizing the area.

A Clinton spokesman says the bathroom was in that condition when the candidate entered.

 

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NOAA Using Compromised Thermometers To Promote Climate Change

A landmark study looking at three decades of temperature reporting by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has found the overwhelming majority of the department's thermometers are located near heat-generating devices or terrain.

Of the 1,218 stations used by NOAA to determine U.S. climate trends, 692 were found to be inside the homes of employees, 85 are located in restaurant kitchens, and 31 were found in the main parking lot of Disneyworld, leaving only 410 thermometers that are considered to be at least somewhat accurate.

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Democrats Doing Everything Possible To Hide Candidates

Political analysts say the Democrat's scheduling of debates indicates the organization's lack of confidence in their candidates. The next debate between Clinton, Sanders, and O'Malley is scheduled for Saturday night at 11:42 PM - one of the best times during the week to hide someone on television from the American public.

DNC head Debbie Wasserman Schultz defended the timeslot, pointing out that the lead-in to Blossom reruns usually pulls a strong liberal audience.

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Putin: Trump Has Balls

Russian President Vladimir Putin told an interviewer that he's impressed with Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump isn't afraid to lead. He has balls - I admire that. Not to say that President Obama doesn't have balls - he does - unfortunately, they're attached to his wife," said the Russian leader with a smile.

Trump was grateful for the compliment, saying, "I appreciate President Putin's words. By the way, he thinks Michelle has some balls, he should see her d*ck."

 

 

Planned Parenthood Celebrates Funding Deal

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Planned Parenthood is celebrating the new spending bill approved by Congress for sparing the organization from any funding cuts. 

Pro-life organizations are condemning the abortion provider's website that proclaims "Merry Christmas to us!" and features what appears to be a blood-soaked present under a Christmas tree (below).

 

Russia Media Awash With Vulgar Anti-Obama Rhetoric

MOSCOW (WNB) - As Vladimir Putin enjoys tremendous popularity at home for his decisive and strong leadership, President Obama is being openly portrayed in the Russia media as weak, immoral, and lazy - and that's his good qualities.

Popular television host Dmitry Kiselyov, host of the weekly program News of the Week, regularly refers to Obama as lazy, a liar, a clown, and an idiot - in general, a "schmoe."  In Russian, "schmoe" resembles the Yiddish "schmuck," but with much stronger negative connotations. Kiselyov regularly applauds American conservatives for correctly identifying Obama as the main reason for their country's growing problems both at home and internationally.

The "Obama schmoe" tag has become so popular in Russia, you can find it everywhere on tee shirts, cartoons, and bumper stickers. Next to Putin action figures, this Christmas's hottest items in Moscow feature President Obama (and/or his wife), such as this popular poster that Putin himself reportedly has in his office (below).

 

 

Exclusive: LA Schools Terror Threat Email

LOS ANGELES, California (WNB) - An exclusive source has leaked the email received by the Los Angeles Unified School District (LAUSD) that prompted a closing of all LAUSD schools Tuesday. Nearly 700,000 students were affected by the shutdown.

"It is apparent that the electronic communication was sent by jihadist individuals with an extensive knowledge of building and deploying explosive devices," said LAUSD Superintendent Ramon Cortines. "We had no choice but to take the threat seriously."

 

Business Magnate Offers To Claim Terrorist's Body

SCOTTSDALE, Arizona (WNB) - After weeks of nobody coming forward to claim the body of San Bernardino female terrorist Tashfeen Malik, a wealthy Arizona businessman has offered to do so as an act of compassion. The offer comes as authorities said they would be forced to cremate the remains if her body was not claimed - something that is expressly forbidden in the Islam religion.

Noted philanthropist and online news magnate, Scooter Van Neuter, announced Monday his intention to claim Malik's body and provide a gravesite. "Look, regardless of what this woman has done, she's still somewhat of a human. I feel compelled to give her a fitting final resting place." 

A spokesman for Van Neuter said Malik's body will be preserved and placed on display at his corporate headquarters in Scottsdale, Arizona (artist's rendering below).

 

Proposed Tashfeen Malik gravesite

 

Hillary: I Will Use Love To Confront Hate, Fear

URBANDALE, Iowa (WNB) - Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told a crowd of several hundred people that she will use "love" to confront a wave of hate and fear afflicting America.

"We've got to do everything we can to confront hate and fear. My answer is to use good old-fashioned love - the kind of love exchanged when people drop their defenses and open up to each other. But not physically - I'm not talking about physical love - the kind my husband has been unfairly accused of using, but a non-sexual kind of love. You know, the kind that doesn't involve the use of force or exchange of bodily fluids. Good love."

Her answer was in response to a question during a campaign stop in front of several hundred people in Iowa. 

 

 

 

 

First Lady Michelle Squeezes Out A Healthy Rap

WASHINGTON (WNB) - First Lady Michelle Obama has produced another rap video - this time encouraging kids to go to college.

Once again going by her hip-hop name "'Lil Mooch," Obama raps with SNL comedian Jay Pharaoh about the big money one makes if they attend college. The message appears to be aimed at black, inner city youth. An excerpt:

Yo fools, here's da deal,

To make da Benjamins yo gots to keep it real.

Chillin on da couch wit you forty don't go far

To put yo lazy ass in dat spensive, fly car.

Get yoself some student loans

And get dat f*ckin education, Homes.

Yo, don't pay no tension to all dat debt,

Cause we Dems be workin on cancellin it yet!

Fool, get yo ass to class,

Yo not even gotta pass.

Go to college, nigga! Word.

"Go To College, Nigga" by 'Lil Mooch 2015, all rights reserved

 

First Lady "'Lil Mooch" Michelle Obama raps

 

Atheists Unveil Christmas Billboards

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colorado (WNB) - As they've done in years past, atheist activists have unveiled Christmas-themed billboards encouraging people to "skip church."

The billboards from American Atheists, a group based in New Jersey, include and image of a demonic Santa and a message telling people to "be good for goodness' sake." A spokesman said, "We want people to know that they can deny God and still be a good person. They can worry about burning in Hell later." 

 

 

Obama Takes Offensive Against ISIS

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Apparently reacting to bipartisan criticism over his lack of action against ISIS, President Obama announced a tough new offensive Tuesday against the jihadist organization called "Terror: Taking The Offensive."

"This action presents a clear message to ISIL and their operatives that the United States is not going to idly sit by as they commit their atrocities around the world. We're taking the fight to them," said the President in the televised 10-minute address.

The new hashtag offensive consists of photos of the President, First Lady, and notable celebrities and sports figures glaring menacingly while holding signs announcing "#I'm fighting back against terror!" 

Hillary Clinton applauded the move, saying, "It's time we got tough with these terrorists, although I would have added another exclamation mark - they need to know we're serious."

 

The President and First Lady take the fight to ISIS

 

Hillary: Defeat ISIS With Highest Tech Possible

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Hillary Clinton said on Sunday that the most effective way to battle ISIS is to use technology to remove their presence online.

"As many of you know, my experience as Secretary of State has given me an extensive knowledge of tech, both low and high, and if elected I would employ the highest tech possible against ISIS, unhooking every internet that they are on - even cutting the wires if needed to prevent ISIS from using it again," Mrs. Clinton said in an hourlong speech and question-and-answer session at the Saban Forum, an annual gathering at the Brookings Institution.

Donald Trump was quick to criticize Clinton's plan: "Hey, this is the same woman who not too many months ago professed to not knowing what a "server" was, for God's sake. You just know that anything more complicated than a typewriter is magic to her."

 

 

Obama: Climate Change Causing Guns To Kill

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama said on Friday that climate change is a prominent contributing factor in the increasing number of gun deaths in the United States and abroad.

"I think it's clear that the increasing temperatures we're experiencing are having a very real effect on guns, especially in the United States where they are killing more people every week," the President told an interviewer on MSNBC's Morning Joe. "Anyone who says a hot gun isn't more likely to injure or kill is simply blind to the truth."

Presidential candidate Donald Trump called Obama's statement "probably the most intelligent thing the President has said this week," while making an obscene hand gesture below his waist.

 

 

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Obama: San Bernadino Attack Perpetrated By Guns

President Obama blamed the mass shooting in San Bernadino on Tuesday on guns and joined other Democrats in calling for the removal of guns in America. "We saw yesterday yet another instance of innocent civilians being killed and injured by guns in our society. We know that in addition to the guns that carried out this attack, there were other guns at their home that were fortunately taken into custody before more lives were lost. The proliferation of guns in our nation assures more lives will be needlessly lost unless we take action to remove them - and that's exactly what I intend to pursue."

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Porn Actress Accuses Fellow Actor Of "Bad Touch"

Another female porn actress has come forth with accusations that fellow actor James Deen was sexually inappropriate with her during the filming of a movie several years ago.

Actress Nasty Canyon told World News Bureau, "When we were shooting Butt Plungers Palooza Part XII, James got this weird look while he was violently piledriving me in the *ss, and he suddenly touched me near my breast. I told him to stop, but he did it again only harder. I cried out and repeatedly used my safeword "harder," but he wouldn't stop! It traumatized me so much that I can't stand being touched while I'm being pounded in the butt now."

Canyon is the seventh adult actress to accuse Deen of bad touch.

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 Palestinian President Calls Stabbings Of Jews "Peaceful Uprising" 

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas described the recent wave of stabbing attacks against Israelis as constituting a "peaceful popular uprising." He made the statement on Palestinian TV November 15th.

According to Israeli Foreign Ministry figures compiled from the Israeli Defense Forces, 22 people were killed and 215 were wounded in Palestinian stabbing, shooting and car-ramming attacks in Israel over the last three months.

Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu responded to the comments by inviting Abbas and his top officials to a "peaceful, popular get together" at an undisclosed location.