World News Bureau

"Blossom" Rerun Edges Out Trumpless Fox Debate

DES MOINES, Iowa (WNB) - Viewership information published today appear to dispute Fox New's claim that Donald Trump's absence from Thursday night's GOP debate had "minimal" impact.

Nielson data from metered markets indicate the Trumpless Fox debate finished near the bottom in last night's ratings:

1. Big Bang Theory (Rerun - CBS)
2. Beyond the Tank (ABC) 
3. You, Me, And The Apocolypse (NBC)
4. Loving Homos (Bravo)
5. College basketball (St. Matthews vs. Branson State - ESPN)
6. Why We Fart (Rerun - Health Channel)
7. Paid programming - (Ronco Showtime Rotisserie - BUY TV)
8. The Sex Life Of The Stink Bug (Rerun - Insect Planet)
9. Martin (Rerun - BET)
10. Blossom (Rerun - MEH Network)
11. Republican Presidential Debate (Fox News Channel)
12. Amazing Phlegm (Rerun - Respiratory Channel)

"Would our ratings have been possibly a little higher with Mr. Trump participating? Maybe, but any time you beat Blossom, you're doing something right," said Fox chairman and CEO, Roger Ailes.

 

 

Mattel Introduces New Barbie

NEW YORK (WNB) - Mattel has redesigned their Barbie doll to more accurately reflect today's female shape. The toymaker has been increasingly criticized for selling a doll whose slim. curvy proportions may give young girls a negative self-image. 

In seeking a model for today's female, Mattel chose someone who personifies good health and fitness - First Lady Michelle Obama. "We felt that Mrs.Obama has a physique that nearly any female can, and likely will, obtain."

The new Barbie is featured in this month's Time Magazine and features a flat chest, bulging biceps and abdomen, large, cellulite-dimpled posterior, thick, chunky thighs, and feet equivalent to a men's size 17.

 

 

Iran President Rouhani Attacked Pope

VATICAN CITY, Rome (WNB) -  Church insiders claim Iranian President Hassam Rouhani attempted to sexually accost Pope Francis during their private 40-minute meeting Tuesday.

Vatican sources say the Iranian leader "became aroused" by the Pontiff's movement in his dress-like attire. Rouhani was physically detained by the Pope's bodyguards after he exposed his genitals and attempted to "rub" them against Francis. The meeting reportedly resumed without incident after the Pope changed into slacks. 

While great pains were taken by the Italians to cover all nude statues in the reception area, no one considered the sexual stimulus a devout Muslim would experience by seeing exposed pale flesh under a flowing gown. "We should have known," said one Bishop.

In addition to the Papal incident, there were also several reports of Iranian delegation members "uncontrollably masturbating" to a ceiling fresco depicting angelic cherubs and "improper contact" with a Holy icon featuring a lamb.

 

Pope Francis and Iranian President Rouhani

 

Hillary Chokes On Truth

DES MOINES, Iowa (WNB) - Onlookers were horrified when candidate Hillary Clinton coughed uncontrollingly for minutes after choking during a speech in Iowa. 

The spasm came when Clinton attempted to make what may have been a true statement during a speech to the Jewish Federation of Greater Des Moines. A closeup photo of Mrs. Clinton (below) appears to confirm that she did choke on the truth.

This is not the first time Mrs. Clinton has reacted this way when not lying, leading many to say she may suffer from a physical or mental condition that makes her incapable of telling the truth.

 

Migrant Behavior Guide Appears Stateside

CHAPPAQUA, New York (WNB) - Posters aimed at warning migrants against improper physical contact with females have recently appeared in the United States.

The cartoon-style posters have been posted at public pools and social areas in several European countries in response to numerous acts of sexual impropriety perpetrated by migrants against resident women and girls.

Similar posters (below) have now appeared in and around the quiet, upscale township of Chappaqua, New York. Officials say they are at a loss to explain why, as there are no reports of immigrants from any country recently moving into the area.

 

 

Trump: I'd Kick Hillary In The Nuts

NEW YORK (WNB) - Donald Trump responded to criticism from Hillary Clinton on Friday by saying he would not hesitate to physically defend himself should she invade his personal space. 

"You know, the thing about Hillary is that like Rosie, she'll try to intimidate you with her size. I'll tell you what, she gets close, I'm kicking her in the nuts - I don't care who she is." 

The brash mogul's comments prompted immediate criticism from the Clinton camp, with an aide telling reporters, "It's no surprise he'd fight dirty."

 

 

Actresses Celebrate Roe V. Wade Anniversary With Tales Of Death

HOLLYWOOD (WNB) - In celebration of Planned Parenthood's 43rd anniversary and nearly 55 million abortions performed, seven relatively unknown actresses are appearing in videos discussing the killing of their own unborn children.

The monologue series, called "Draw the Bloody Line," highlights why an organization that slaughters the equivalent of the population of Cincinnati every year needs to be preserved and protected. This latest pro-murder effort coincides with PP's popular "#killthelittleparasites" campaign on social media. 

 

 

Palin Endorses The Donald

NEW YORK (WNB) - The Trump For President campaign has confirmed that Sarah Palin is officially endorsing him for president.

Palin issued a statement Tuesday afternoon saying, "I am somewhat proud to endorse Donald J. Trump for President of the United States of America."

Mr. Trump celebrated Palin's support at a campaign stop in Ames, Iowa Wednesday: "I have great respect for Sarah. As a fellow Christian, I can say this - many people don't know, but she's got great t*ts. I've seen her in a bikini and she really does."

Palin is set to appear with Trump at his rally tonight in Tulsa, Oklahoma before jetting off with her family for a three-week vacation on a recently purchased private island in the Bahamas.

 

 

Actress: Blacks Need To Break From Mainstream Culture

BEVERLY HILLS, California (WNB) - Actress Jada Pinkett Smith has blasted the Acadamy of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences for the lack of black Oscar nominees this year. Apparently missing the point that awards are generally only given to individuals who've earned them, Smith was so outraged that she spewed a string of tweets into the social media ether, calling for blacks to break from (white) mainstream culture.

"At the Oscars… people of color are always welcomed to give out awards… even entertain, but we are rarely recognized for our artistic achievements. Should people of color refrain from participating?  How about we break away from mainstream culture altogether and come up with our own way of talking, maybe get some weird hairdos instead of jobs, have lots of babies and give 'em crazy names - stuff like that."

 

 

Happy SVN Day!

World News Bureau - Today we celebrate the birthday of a well-known and much beloved public figure.

While his accomplishments are notable, what this man has not done is even more so:

• He never plagiarized his doctoral thesis and numerous other academic and public writings. 
• He was never associated with the American Communist Party, nor privately described himself as a Marxist. 
• He was never a serial philanderer, ardent whore-monger, or abuser of women. 

The man whose birthday we are celebrating today is, of course, World News Bureau founder and Editor in Chief Scooter Van Neuter.

Van Neuter achieved fame early in his career with his famous "I Have To Scream" speech he gave at Wichita State University in 1965. An excerpt: 

"I have to scream when I hear those immoral holders of the public trust - our liberal politicians - pushing their agenda of abortion and sexual perversion.

I have to scream when I see the left nurture sloth and disengagement with their vote-buying social welfare programs.

I have to scream when I see generation after generation of progressives and Democrats appease and coddle those who wish to destroy us, always to the peril of our security and that of our allies....."

Those words still hold true today. We join conservatives everywhere in wishing Scooter a very happy birthday!

 

Scooter Van Neuter gives his famous "I have to scream," speech

 

Chelsea Fresh Face Of Clinton Campaign

NEW YORK, (WNB) - Chelsea Clinton is stepping into the limelight for her mother in order to deflect the growing criticism surrounding Hillary's past efforts in suppressing accusations of sexual impropriety against her husband Bill.

"The Clinton campaign really needs a fresh face, and Chelsea is perfect," said one Democratic operative. "She's fresh, young, and hip - the perfect image for this campaign."

Republic challenger, Donald Trump, surprisingly agreed, saying, "Oh yeah, this is a great strategy - nobody's going to think of Hillary when they look at Chelsea. Are you f*cking kidding me?"

 

 

Uproar Over Iran Humiliation Of Americans

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Outrage is growing as more facts surrounding the detainment and release of 10 U.S. sailors by Iran become known.

Photos showing the sailors kneeling before their captives, as well as depicting a female sailor forced to wear a hajib in captivity sparked furor yesterday, despite statements by the Obama administration that the incident was ultimately a positive one between the two countries.

Today it was learned that the Iranians insisted that Secretary of State John Kerry personally take custody of the captured sailors. A photo (below) shows Kerry arriving at an Iranian airport dressed as a "French whore" and carrying what is reported to be $10 million in cash - conditions for the release.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump condemned the administration's actions, saying, "Hopefully the Iranians did to Kerry what he's been doing to the U.S. for decades."

 

John Kerry arrives in Iran for US release of US sailors

 

Were Joint Chiefs Of Staff Sending Message During SOTU?

WASHINGTON (WNB) - People are questioning today whether the Joints Chiefs of Staff were subtly expressing displeasure with parts of President Obama's State of the Union address last night.

PBS cameras focused on the military leaders as Obama touted the United States as the "most powerful nation on earth" and refuted "rhetoric" that America’s enemies are "getting stronger."

"I told you earlier all the talk of America’s economic decline is political hot air," Obama said. "Well, so is all the rhetoric you hear about our enemies getting stronger and America getting weaker. Let me tell you something - you can't add that many transsexuals and gay individuals and be anything but stronger."

As Obama finished making those remarks, the camera panned to the Joint Chiefs who appeared to be somewhat solemn (below).

 

Joint Chiefs of Staff show little enthusiasm for President's remarks

 

White House Corrects Obama "Existential Threats" Comment

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Hours before his final state of the union address, President Obama said in an interview that he doesn’t believe there are any existential threats facing the United States. The statement came in response to a question inquiring if the "state of the union is strong"- a traditional phrase used by presidents in the annual address.

Response was nearly immediate, with thousands taking to social media and the airwaves questioning how anyone with a television could not be aware of the numerous direct threats presently posed against this country. The White House was quick to defuse the president's statement, issuing the following press release:

 

 

Sean Penn Under Investigation For "El Chapo" Interview

ENCHILADA, Mexico (WNB) - Mexican officials confirm that actor Sean Penn under investigation following the publishing of a controversial interview with fugitive Mexican drug lord, Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman.

El Chapo ("The Chapstick")  had been on the run for months after escaping a Mexican prison. Penn apparently worked to conceal his location while interviewing him for the article. Mexican police and military recaptured Guzman on Friday after a bloody gunbattle that killed 5 of his bodyguards and injured a police officer. 

Penn is denying any wrongdoing. "Outside of having sex with Madonna, this accusation is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I'm 100% f*cking innocent."

In a possibly related story, Los Angeles police are investigating who is responsible for storing over 28 tons of marijuana in a rental house owned by actor Sean Penn.

 

Actor Sean Penn

 

Kim Jong-un Taunts Critics On His Birthday

PYONGYANG, DPRK (WNB) - Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un on Friday released a taunting video of him celebrating his 32nd birthday and recent (claimed) successful test of a hydrogen bomb. The move is seen as a rebuke to his critics and display of power to his allies.

The video features no soundtrack but engineers believe it was done to the Tag Team song Whoomp (There It Is).

South Korean President Park Geun-hye called the video "Unnecessarily provocative" and promised a strong response.

 

Kim Jong-un taunts his critics

 

More Reports Of Hillary Ailments Surface

NEW YORK (WNB) - Numerous individuals have come forth claiming Hillary Clinton is suffering from serious health issues. A growing number of Security guards, Secret Service agents, police officers, aides, friends, and acquaintances say that the candidate is not only still struggling with symptoms from an earlier concussion but also a number of other health problems, including:

• Van Horton's Syndrome (VHS)
• Ankle Elephantitus
• Rigellian Fever
• Halitosis
• Anal Fissures/Warts
• Jimmy Legs
• Incontinence
• Uromysitisis Poisoning
• Herpes Simplex 10
• Chronic Flatulence
• Collins' Syndrome
• Nipple Decomposition Disorder (NDD)
• Amoria Phlebitis
• Merkin Mucus
• Groat's Disease
• Liplingus

Dr. Drew Pinsky, a nationally syndicated talk show host and internal medical physician, said that any number of these maladies would severely hamper Clinton's ability to govern and the combination of all would render her as "little more than a fetid, gelatinous blob of barely-functioning humanity, which seems to be what we're seeing."

 

Hillary Clinton

 

North Korean H Bomb Likely Not Real

PYONGYANG, DPRK (WNB) - North Korean claims that it tested a hydrogen bomb today are being questioned by some experts. 

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jung-on said in a televised statement Wednesday, "This morning the glorious and powerful Democratic People's Republic Of Korea sent a frightful message to those who threaten us by testing a new and all-powerful H bomb. The H Bomb of Justice will burn our enemies with death should they dare to cause us a scare."

While there are seismic indications that an explosive device was detonated, covert photographic evidence obtained by World News Bureau (below) may show deception on the part of the North Koreans. "Yeah, it pretty much looks like the little troll painted an "H" on a regular bomb," said one nuclear weapons expert who reviewed the photo.

 

 

Obama Gun Control Order Angers LGBT Community

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Among the first groups to protest the Obama executive order dealing with gun control are members of the LGBT community. The law would require physicians to report patients who are mentally ill, potentially denying all transsexuals and most homosexuals the opportunity to purchase a firearm.

Caitlyn Jenner said in an interview Monday that denying him the right to buy anything for any reason is discrimination. "Just because I have a penis but suddenly think I'm a girl shouldn't preclude me from buying something."

Popular teenage reality show celebrity, Jazz Jennings, (below) also finds fault with the Obama order. "I don't really want a gun, but if I did I'd be mad that I couldn't buy one just because of, you know, my confusion." 

 

 

Greenpeace Condemns New Year's Party Photo

VANCOUVER, Canada (WNB) - Greenpeace has expressed outrage at what appears to be a photo of a dead whale featured at a star-studded New Year's Eve party.

"We are grieved at the sight of this innocent mammal being used as a macabre party prop by wealthy celebrities. Placing a jacket on this gentle giant doesn't make this act any less gruesome or wrong."