World News Bureau

Prohibited: Filming Hillary Boarding Planes

NEW YORK (WNB) - The Hillary Clinton campaign has issued a notice to media outlets prohibiting the filming off their candidate boarding aircraft.

The ban comes in the wake of recent stories questioning Mrs. Clinton's health, as well as the posting of a video showing Clinton stumbling while boarding an aircraft when she was Secretary of State (below). 

A press release from the Clinton campaign denied the ban is in any way connected to Mrs. Clinton's health, saying the move is simply an effort to respect Muslim cultural sensitivities that prohibit the gazing up at the female posterior. "As a champion of diversity, Mrs. Clinton respects and honors the customs of all religions."

 

  

 

Does Trump Own Sharpton?

WASHINGTON DC (WNB) - Nearly 150 years after the abolishment of slavery in America, this shameful practice may still exist today. 

Political pundits say that comments made yesterday by pretend-reverend Al Sharpton are undeniable proof that the black civil rights hustler is owned by white billionaire mogul and presidential candidate, Donald Trump.

Sharpton told an audience at the Center for American Progress Action Fund event on Thursday that he would "flee" the United States if Trump wins the presidential election, immediately giving Trump an estimated additional 15 - 25 million votes nationwide and guaranteeing a victory over presumed challenger Hillary Clinton.

Further proof of Sharpton's servitude may also be the new Bentley Continental seen being delivered to his New York residence Wednesday night (below).

 

Chelsea Clinton: Our Family Is Very Religious

NEW YORK (WNB) - Chelsea Clinton, daughter of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, recently spoke about her family's faith.

"My mother is very deeply a person of faith. Outside of maybe a few areas, it guides so much of her moral compass. As for my dad, when I was a child living in the White House I used to hear him in the Oval Office hallway calling out to God all the time."

Chelsea said her own walk of faith ended when she was young. "I was a devout Methodist until they started bad-mouthing abortion, so I left. Nobody should be able to tell a girl who's been raped she can't have an abortion - even if it was just an accident."

 

The Clintons observe the birth of Christ in the White House

 

Hillary Works Harder For Black Vote

COLUMBIA, South Carolina (WNB) - Ahead of Saturday’s Democratic primary in South Carolina, Hillary Clinton intensified her efforts to gain the black vote. 

In an appearance at one inner city Baptist Church, Clinton decried white privilege and criticized police for "automatically assuming we're committing a crime, just because of the color of our skin."

After receiving what could best be described as a cool reception by the predominately black crowd, Clinton managed to stir enthusiasm when she unexpectedly broke into a "Holy Ghost shuffle" during a rousing sermon by Head Pastor, The Reverend Bishop "Cadillac" Horace McClendan (below).

"I never seen the other old white guy (Bernie Sanders) do that - I'm voting for this b*tch," said one impressed onlooker. 

 

 

 

Trump: If Elected l'll Have Hillary Jailed / Tortured

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (WNB) - Donald Trump said Monday night that one of his first acts as president will be to see that Hillary Clinton is punished for using her private email server to relay numerous highly classified messages.

"Look, Obama's going to make sure Hillary isn't prosecuted, but once I'm in office that's the first thing on my list," Trump told Fox News' Sean Hannity.

When asked whether he believes Mrs. Clinton is deserving of incarceration for what may be little more than poor judgment, Trump replied, "If I had my way, she'd get the chair for being such an idiot, but I realize that's not going to happen. I'd settle for waterboarding and putting her in solitary confinement for the rest of her miserable life, which by the looks of her probably isn't that long." 

The billionaire business mogul explained the statutes of limitations will allow him to prosecute Clinton for any crimes she committed from 2009 to 2013. 

 

 

Researcher: Hillary's Voice Harmful To Living Creatures

TEMPE, Arizona (WNB) - According to a new study, Hillary Clinton's voice is harmful to most living creatures - especially humans.

"There's very good reason why literally everyone who hears Mrs. Clinton's voice feels discomfort and irritation," says Dr. Myron Phelps of Arizona State University. "The pitch of her voice stimulates neurological receptors in the brain that produce anxiety, anger, and irritation of the lower bowel. As Mrs. Clinton speaks louder, those effects intensify."

The ASU study showed that laboratory rats, when subjected to extended listening of Mrs. Cinton's speeches, experienced escalating anger and tension coupled with uncontrolled bouts of elimination, ultimately leading to the animals desperately trying to kill themselves. 

The Clinton campaign called the study's findings "inconclusive," noting that ring-tailed lemurs are actually attracted to Mrs. Clinton's voice.

 

 

Trump / Pope War Gets Personal

VATICAN CITY, Rome (WNB) - The war of words between Pope Francis and Donald Trump gained momentum on Friday, as their comments took on a personal nature.

The public feud between the leader of the Catholic Church and the outspoken tycoon running for president started Thursday when the pontiff questioned Trump's Christianity because of his calling for a wall to be constructed on the U.S. border with Mexico. In turn, Trump chastised the Pope for passing judgement on his faith and pointed out the fact that Vatican City is itself surrounded by massive walls. Those comments prompted Friday's exchange:

Pope Francis: The walls around the Vatican were built long ago. Today, everyone is welcome to enter, except, of course, militant Muslims and climate change deniers.

Donald Trump: Seriously, climate change deniers? Do you think Jesus would turn them away? I really don't think so. I would welcome these people because that's what Jesus would do, and as anyone who knows me would tell you, I'm a big fan of Jesus. Really big. Look, he brought millions of Jews out of Egypt, what's not to like? I agree about the Muslims, though. They look just like Mexicans - it's too risky.

Pope Francis: Your comments again illustrate that you are probably not a Christian. Outside of having Benny Hinn's hairdo, I see nothing religious about you.

Donald Trump: Okay, why the thing about the hair? I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't say it was okay to disparage people's hair, any more than he thought is was a good idea for men to wear dresses. I mean, if I'm an altar boy and the old guy I'm working for is wearing a dress...you know what I mean. Seriously, it's unbelievable.

Pope Francis: Holy robes are not dresses. May I remind you that Jesus wore robes and was a friend to all children. I will pray for you.

Donald Trump: Well, I'm pretty sure Jesus at least wore underwear - I'm not so sure about you guys. I'll ask some altar boys - they'd know. Oh yeah, I almost forgot -  Little Wayne, who I happen to be very good friends with, called and wants his jewelry back.

Pope Francis: I will pray that God forgives you, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Well that's great, but I'm not the one boning little boys and dressing like a sissy. Buy some pants, for God's sake.

 

 

Pope Survives Mexico

CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico (WNB) - Pope Francis wrapped up a whirlwind visit to Mexico that saw millions of people turn out to see the popular head of the Catholic Church. 

Much of the Pope's visit was aimed at criticizing a U.S. immigration policy that still requires immigrants to either walk or provide their own transportation to the border. The pontiff concluded his visit by performing a mass at the United States/Mexico border.

While security was very tight because of ongoing drug cartel violence, the only incidents reported during the papal visit was the Pope "losing" his gold crucifix, watch, and ring as he waded through the adoring crowds, and the "Popemobile" parade vehicle being stripped while the Pope and his entourage took a break for lunch (below). Vatican officials reported that Mexican police later found the vehicle's radio, transmission, and one wheel and tire, and were in the process of negotiating a price for their return.

 

Welcome to Mexico: Pope Francis parade vehicle stripped 

 

Hillary Suffers Another Coughing Fit

NEW YORK (WNB) - Hillary Clinton suffered yet another coughing fit while giving a campaign speech. Midway through her address to voters in Harlem on Tuesday, the candidate suddenly broke into spasms of uncontrolled coughing and gagging in an attempt to clear her throat.

A magnified frame capture of Mrs. Clinton's coughing fit reveals that she was expelling what a appears to be a mass of short, curly black hairs (see inset photo).

Longtime aide and confidant, Huma Abeden, rushed to Clinton's side when the veteran politician started speaking like a 90-year-old man, unable to regain her normal voice. After a few minutes, Clinton was able to finish her address, but not until she had lost nearly all of her audience.

"Sweet Jesus, I don't know who that be talkin' inside Hillary, but I don't want no part of it," said one woman as she ran from the building.

 

Hillary Poll Numbers Soar

RENO, Nevada (WNB) - For the first time in this contest, Hillary Clinton's poll numbers have risen significantly.

The latest Farnum Poll indicates Clinton has nearly doubled (+91%) her popularity with Cocker Spaniels in the last few days. Political experts credit the impressive surge to the candidate's "shout out" Monday during a stump speech in Reno, Nevada. "Woof woof woof woof woof woof," said Clinton to the obvious delight of the small audience.

"Mrs. Clinton is the first candidate so far to reach out to the canine demographic in their own language, and the results speak for themselves," said one CNN political analyst.

In a related story, Bill Clinton was overheard telling a campaign staff member after the speech, "Every time she does that, I automatically get a boner."

 

Clinton: "Woof woof woof woof woof woof" 

 

Sources: Obama Ready With Supreme Court Appointment

WASHINGTON (WNB) - White House sources say that President Obama already has a Supreme Court appointment in mind, and will submit his name as soon as the Senate returns next week from recess.

Obama's choice reportedly possesses all of the qualifications he wanted for the position:

• Person of color
• Strong civil rights background
• Accomplished communicator
• Perception of morality
• Sharp dresser

The news comes just two days after Justice Antonin Scalia was found dead with a pillow over his face at Cibola Creek Resort in Texas. The last photo taken of Scalia (below) showed him in apparently good health, relaxing Friday night in the resort's lounge.

 

Last known photo of Justice Antonin Scalia

 

Black Voters: Hillary Not Genuine

CHARLESTON, South Carolina (WNB) - A new poll indicates that black voters in South Carolina are leery of Hillary Clinton. Responses from over 2000 registered black voters show that 82% believe Clinton is "a rich old white bitch" who "will do or say anything to win a vote."

The Clinton campaign shrugged off the results, saying Mrs. Clinton "has a long and close relationship with the colored community," and released photos of their candidate partying with locals at a popular Charleston inner city nightclub Thursday night (below).

 

Hillary gets funky at Charleston nightclub

 

Hillary Courts Black Vote

SPARTANBURG, South Carolina (WNB) - Hillary Clinton denied accusations that her new hairstyle and wardrobe is an attempt to make her "look more black." Clinton sported the look as she visited black churches and community centers in Spartanburg, South Carolina ahead of the upcoming primary election.

"I often wear my hair like this at home. You know, it is naturally curly - probably due to the fact my great, great grandmother was fifteen percent Mullato," Clinton told reporters on Thursday.

So far, feedback from the local black community on Clinton's new look has been mixed. "She maybe look better than before, but that ain't sayin' much," said entertainer Shaquandra Porshe Brown. "I'd hit that," said the Reverand Rashon T. Washington.

 

 

Hillary: Now I Know How Juanita Broaddrick Felt

CONCORD, New Hampshire (WNB) - A somber Hillary Clinton told supporters this morning that her crushing New Hampshire primary loss to Bernie Sanders was a painful one for the veteran politician.

"Let me tell you, this isn't the first time I've been pounded by a scrawny, old white-haired guy, but this one really hurt," said the candidate. "I guess now I know how Juanita felt."

 

Hillary feels the Bern

 

Abortion Activists Fume Over Portrayal Of Unborn Child As Human

NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL (WNB) - In a Twitter post yesterday (below), abortion promoter NARAL expressed their disgust at a Doritos Superbowl ad featuring an unborn child in the womb reacting to his father waving a bag of corn chips.

The organization strongly objected to the ad's "humanization of a fetus" by portraying an unborn human child as being a human. For real.

 

 

Hillary Blames Shrill Voice On Medical Issue

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Hillary Clinton is blaming a medical condition for the shrill quality of her voice when speaking loudly. The candidate's explanation comes amid recent articles and criticisms from a variety of sources complaining about her inability to speak up without sounding unpleasant.

The Clinton campaign released the following press release Friday:

"Mrs. Clinton has a very normal, and many would say pleasant, speaking voice. However, when background noise necessitates additional volume, the physical strain exerts painful pressure on Mrs. Clinton's prolapsed bladder - a condition quite normal for women of her age. The pain naturally affects the quality of her voice, as it would anyone."

 

Rubio: Republican Obozo?

CHIMICHANGA, California (WNB) - The cover of the new La Opinion, the nation's largest Spanish newspaper, portrays presidential candidate Marco Rubio (R-FL) as a "Republican Obozo" (below).

The publication points out that the two men share many of the same goals, including expanded immigration.

A Rubio campaign insider called the publication's endorsement "the f*cking kiss of death."

 

 

Obama Worships At Mosque

CATONSVILLE, Md. (WNB) - Barack Obama paid his first visit as President to a U.S. mosque on Wednesday, working to confront bias that Muslim-Americans say is increasing at an alarming rate amid Muslims uncontrollably murdering literally everyone, everywhere.

Before joining in prayers (below), the President addressed the faithful present, calling for "peace and understanding among all people" and condemning Israel for "wanton crimes against humanity, both here and abroad." 

 

President Obama offers prayers at mosque

 

 

Sanders Honors Clinton Flips

DESMOINES, Iowa (WNB) - Hillary Clinton made history Monday night, picking up delegates by winning all six coin flips in Iowa districts where she tied her challenger, Bernie Sanders.

The situation came about in precincts where Sanders and Clinton were running neck-and-neck, but there were an odd number of delegates, so they couldn’t be evenly split between the two. That was the case in precincts in Ames, Newton, West Branch, Davenport and two in Des Moines.

In a supposed show of good sportsmanship, the Sanders campaign announced Tuesday the minting of a coin (below) celebrating Mrs. Clinton's incredible luck. However, a Clinton spokesperson expressed reservations with the gesture, asking Sanders to not issue the coins, saying, "While we appreciate the salute to Mrs. Clinton's hard-fought and well-deserved win, we would prefer to design our own coin, should we decide to issue one."

 

Iran Bestows Medals For Capture of U.S. Sailors

TEHRAN, Iran (WNB) - Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei on Sunday awarded medals to Revolutionary Guard commanders for capturing two small U.S. Navy boats and their crews earlier this month.

Along with the customary open-mouthed kiss, Khamenei awarded the "Order of Fat'h" medal to Rear Admiral Zmel M'azcrakh, commander of the IRGC Navy, along with four other commanders "for not soiling themselves while in close contact with the U.S. military," according to Iran's official media outlet.

Iran's gloating was short-lived when, on closer inspection, the "Order of Fat'h" medal was identified as being the hood emblem off of a 1953 Cadillac (below).